Warning- This post contains the actual, horrible, shocking truth about me, and I how I am feeling right now. Please, if you know me In Real Life and this is going to piss you off, don’t read it. Seriously. I will not be held responsible for any emotions this post generates in you.
Easter Egg, my geeky Net friends…?
OK. Given that I am a crumpled ball of hate and rage at the moment, it’s really not surprising that a few things piss me off.
My own blogging is one of them.
Why? Because there is something I’m not saying. This place has gone from my haven, where I write what I like and show off a bit and disconnect from the Real World; to somewhere where I’m a bit apprehensive about being me. Where I feel, just that tiny bit, that I have to play the grieving widow. For the people In Real Life, the anonymous commenters, that are reading.
Fuck that. I am grieving, all day, every day. And I loved Tony pieces.
We’ll start with those basics.
And then we’ll throw in a ‘but’ (I hate that word, at the moment, it’s everywhere I turn.)
Marriage vows explicitly state, “Till death do us part”. Ours did, anyway.
So, if Tony chose death, then he chose to end our marriage. I had nothing to freaking do with it, I was loving him all the while…
I’m no angel, we’ve already covered that.
But he chose to leave, and what do I owe him now?
Not a damn thing. Not a thing, except, perhaps, to raise his children in the way he would have wanted, to be good people.
But he’s not here. So even some of those ideals will bend, and break, and go by the wayside… that’s life. I have a lifetime left, of raising these children, on my own, without Tony.
And, sometimes, I’ll do and say what I need to, to survive.
Because that’s the crux of it. Survival. I’ll do what I need to do to get up every day, to not think, every second, how delicious dieing would be.
I don’t owe anyone, anything. All these people, all Tony’s mates, who seem to think I owe them something- I owe you nothing. And to top that off, as we all already know, I’m not from around here. There are very few ties, only a handful of people I’ll actually miss, to keep me here.
And, given the ‘support’ I’ve been given from all of you, why the hell would I stay? So you can ignore me and my kids for the next few years?
Think not.
I owe none of you, anything. Nothing at all. Tony chose this, not me.
And before the gangland chorus of “You drove him to it” starts up, I’m not taking responsibility for Tony’s death, either. As I keep saying- I am no fucking angel, we know that. But I didn’t tie the noose that apparentley had been sitting in the shed for months. I didn’t put it around his neck.
I was there the whole time, remember? Screaming at him not to.
Sad as it is, as much as it fucks me over to admit it- Tony had been thinking about this for a while, abstractly at least. I don’t think he actually planned to die…
But he tied a noose, put it around his neck, and jumped off a chair.
That makes him suicidal, no matter which way you slice it. That makes him mentally unstable. That makes him a temporarily- but also, unfortunately, permanently- selfish prick.
Not matter what I did, no matter what I said… divorce is always an option. The back gate was ten feet away. I was telling him to leave.
He could’ve walked at any time.
I’ve been saying for weeks now, I’m not afraid of anything anymore. What a blatant lie. Everything is terrifying, from the tiniest tasks to the most monumental. Selling my house, to stopping for petrol. Moving away from my Purple Life, to putting the kid’s shoes on.
The thought of packing up and moving from this house… I wish it had happened yesterday. But at the same time, walking out this front door will be almost the equivalent to walking away from Tony’s still-ventilated body, his still-warm tattoos.
My daughter was born here.
Every time I walk outside, I see my husband hanging from a beam.
There are things here I will miss. But, (that word again), I won’t really be missing the place. I never even knew this tiny suburban pocket of the world existed much, before I met Tony.
I’ll just be missing my sunshine-y, Purple life, that I was so innocently happy with.
Walking out of this house, means it really the end of it. It’s not coming back, never in that shade of purple, with that sparkly tint of sunlight and the kids and Tony outside in the spa… that’s never coming back, and staying here, it just reminds me of that, every day.
So.. I’m out of here. I have my mates, who I love… but from Tony’s side of my life, with the obvious exception of his family… there are very few people who I want anything to do with.
Put it this way- if you’re local, and you haven’t called me, or come round here, since the weekend after Tony’s funeral- don’t bother. Doors closed.
OK. With all that out of the way- wake up, those in the back, it gets interesting again here- here’s the Sordid Truth. (Remembering, one more time, if this is going to piss you off, use the little x in top right hand corner now. Thankyouverymuch.)
I just want somebody, somebody else, to love me.
I know, no biggie, right, we’ve discussed that before? As an abstract concept, with the disclaimer that I don’t think I’d actually be able to do that.
What if I’ve had a taste of the reality of that, and it was such a comfort, it bores at my brain with the insistence to find it again?
What then?
I don’t want a ‘relationship’. I don’t someone to pay my bills, squash spiders for me or mow my lawn. I don’t want a father figure for my children, they’ll be just fine with what they’ve got, thanks.
I just want someone for me. To love me.
To sit beside me, while I heal.
Not to heal me- if I was being philosophical, I’d say the only person who can heal me is myself. If I’m being honest, then I don’t know how healed I’ll ever really be. Time is all it will take, I know….
But why is it fair, that I have to wait? I didn’t do this, I did nothing wrong here…
I know, I know. Because it’s what we’re meant to do. Give ourselves time to heal. Avoid making huge decisions.
That is so fucking unfair.
As I said, all I want right now is someone to love me. Someone to stroke my hair. Someone to kiss me. Someone to call me, and tell me they love me.
And I know, I shouldn’t be ready for that. And I should say I’m not. But I don’t care. Why is this such a difficult thing… I know this is fucked up. But is it really that painful, to be in my presence?
Would someone, someone for me, someone to love me… would that really be such a bad thing, for me, right now?
No. It’s what I want. As I said, someone to sit near me while I heal. Someone to be patient, and understanding, and tolerant.
Don’t I deserve that?
A flashback, of Tony saying the same thing, comparing me to his ex-girlfriends, calling me “clean” and “pure”, and didn’t he deserve that? He did, and he got it. And he chose to leave me, and I just want to throw myself on the ground and cry and kick and scream and sob until someone, someone male, comes and scoops me up and tells me I’m worth something.
Let’s not even get started on how my self worth is connected to people loving me. Everyone’s is. Especially in this situation, and don’t you dare judge that unless you’ve been here.
The ultimate rejection, from my husban
d… and every tiny one that follows rubs salt into my wound.
All this longing, all this wanting… what does this bring us back to?
The flip side of my truth.
How it looks from the outside, from the perspective of others looking in.
Let’s start with two children under four years old. No matter how much I say, no pressure, no expectations.. we are a package deal, we three, and that’s the end of the story, really. And when my children are so very young, and so very needy, and I’m still so very needy myself…?
And that’s more the point, more than anything, right now.
I seem to feel like I’m draining everyone, of everything they’ve got. Depleting their resources, when the one thing I really want, the one thing that has bought me any peace since this happened… I can’t have that.
It feels like I plug into people, and suck their patience, their strength, their happiness. I’ve been told, by someone I love and trust to tell me the truth, that keeping company with me at the moment is exhausting, that I am a difficult, painful person to be around.
I know that.
I can’t help it.
I can only imagine how difficult it would be to love me right now, to be with me.
I’m irritable and short tempered. I’m fragile, and I get offended easily. The tiniest things are massive problems, the slightest unkind word can bring tears to my eyes.
I’m timid, in social situations where I’m not simply grinding on with day to day business. New people are now terrifying to me in a way they never have been, and I hate that about myself.
Give me a room full of people at the moment… and I’d be the one in the corner, curled up in the fetal position, quite possibly weeping.
Just wanting someone to hold me and kiss it better and tell me they love me.
It’s too difficult, for everyone, I know that. Even the people closest to me have difficulty being with me, how could I ever expect someone else to take me, broken and bruised and traumatised as I am?
Some days, I feel like I am unlovable, that no one will ever want me again.
Any daydreams I was entertaining, about a fresh start… next lifetime, it’s just not ready for me, as much as I am ready for it.
And that sucks.
Because, as I said… I really just want someone to wrap me up, love me, tell me I’m beautiful, and kiss it better…. why is that so much to ask for…?
Don’t I deserve that…?
The best answer my head can give me is- I had, for myself, someone special enough that he did deserve that, most of the time. And he hated me enough that the hung himself in front of me.
It just feels so very cruel.. The person who I loved so much, the only person who ever loved me enough to want to be with me all the time, he left.
And he did it in such a way that I don’t think I’ll ever be lovable again. Too damaged, too broken.
Too raw. And too impatient, to wait for the wound to close on it’s own.
{ 79 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen, sister. Amen.
Lori – You do whatever you can whenever and however you can to survive. Sure, you're in mourning. But your needs are important for your healing, the kids healing. I can't imagine how it must feel to be selling and moving from your wonderful house with so, so many wonderful memories – and one really horrid day.
Every single one of these feelings is VALID and REAL and you are ENTITLED to them. Anyone who says otherwise? Fuck them.
My grandfather did essentially the same thing to my grandmother. I can't know what you are going through. I was young. But I know what the after math looks like. You are RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. You are RIGHT TO BE HURT. You are RIGHT TO FEEL ABANDONED.
And most of all, more than anything else, you are right. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You don't deserve this and you have to see that taking the way out that he did was the result of his problems not anything you did. I don't know whether or not anyone actually has told you that you drove him to it or if that is just the perception you are getting from some assholes. The truth is you can't drive someone to suicide. It is not a normal, rational response. Even if you wanted to you couldn't have driven him to it. You didn't do this. You didn't do anything to cause him to do it. Love yourself. You deserve it. Find love. You deserve it. Go home, wherever that is. Be with people who can wrap you up in love and support.
I have been the "tiring" friend many times. The friend whose pain is exhausting to be in the presence of. I wish so much that I could be there for you in some real way.
If you need to talk to someone any time- ANY TIME- find me on Twitter. We can gchat or ychat or ichat or whatever. If Sydney wasn't so far from Melbourne I would say jump in your car right this moment and come have coffee with me (I have no car to come get you). If I was here for longer than a week I would just figure out a way to make it happen.
Love. Hugs. Understanding.
You do deserve to be loved again. I know it seems impossible, so so impossible, right now. Sadly, this will always be a part of your life, of your story. But it doesn't have to be the entire story. In the book of Lori's life, this awful tragedy might be several long chapters, but it is NOT the entire book.
I am going to tell you a story. It isn't like yours in many ways, but I hope it can still bring you hope. A cousin of mine also lost her husband, the man she had been with since they were teenagers, the love of her life, before she was 30 years old. They had a young son and had been trying for another, when they discovered he had cancer. The prognosis was good, but he still died. It was still a shock to her, that he died. She felt lost with ONE small child to look after. Long story short, she grieved and grieved, but in her grief another man found her. He loved her, even before she could possibly love him back. She talked to him about her husband and cried a lot, I'm sure, and he waited and loved her and held her. Eventually, she loved him back. They are married, and have two more kids. It seems impossible, and at first it was incredibly bittersweet for her. She has this man and these two new children who she loves more than life itself, and she would do anything for them, yet this life of hers would not exist, her babies would not exist, if her husband had not died. If given the choice way back then, before he died, I'm sure she would have chosen to keep him alive instead. Since that isn't how life works though, she has molded the best life for herself. She has accepted that she has a right to be happy and to love her life again. She loves, and she is loved.
Your situation is totally fucked, and I am glad you are an honest voice on the internet. People need to hear of the devastating aftermath of something like that. I think though, that one day you will start to enjoy things again. You do deserve to be loved, and you do deserve to love life. You have the majority of your life left to live, this can't be where your story ends Lori.
Lori – I KNOW how you want to be loved, scooped up, have your hair stroked and kissed like it is meant and my husband is still here – but his depression is so black that he can't look after himself let alone give any of that to me… I don't have an answer (truly wish I did), but I am praying (if that doesn't offend you) and sending you positive energy and thoughts, because you DO deserve to be loved, just like you want and I hope that it happens soon soon soon for you. You have endured enough pain for a lifetime…
(again anonymous on this one, because it implicates another without their permission)
<3 and light and peace and warmth to you…
I admire your honesty Lori. Your determination to be honest no matter who is listening and judging you. Judging you unfairly and unjustly – doing the "i would never…" thing that noone should do til they've walked in your shoes.
M2Mx
I know my cuddles won't help much, but I'll offer lots of them anyway
Love you lots, you will get there & someone will love you. Promise.
I admire you hun……….you are an amazing woman and you deserve to be loved.xoxoxoxo
You know, they say time heals all wounds, but I don't think it does, really. It fades all wounds, but the only thing that heals is love.
I'm just so fucking sorry that the people around you don't understand, that they aren't willing to get in it with you and sit with you and let you feel all this shit in whatever way you need to feel it.
Nothing fucks people up like surviving the suicide of a loved one. Nothing. Of course your feelings are huge and messy and nasty and ugly. Of course they are. You don't owe it to anybody to somehow make it easier for THEM.
@edenland above said: "the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind"
I really like that. We don't mind Lori. We support you in whatever choices you make for yourself.
Sending love, strenth, and peace,
Marianna
of all of that, the thing sticking in my mind is that he didn't reject you…he rejected himself.
For the record, little old me, who only knows you through this blog, and not even from BEFORE, I'm glad you have decided to move, and sell.
Sure they all say you aren't supposed to make big decisions at emotional times. whatever. that's bullshit. Most people make big decisions at emotional times.
How the hell else are you meant to move forward if everytime you walk out the back door you are reminded of everything.
It probably undoes you every time all over again. That's not fair. That's a circumstance not giving you a chance.
As for the love stuff…who could blame you? Not anyone with an ounce of compassion, and only someone full of judgement who doesn't deserve an opinion.
You're beautiful, I've seen the pictures.
You're beautiful, I've listened as you pour out your soul.
Sorry I'm a woman, and straight, and thousands of miles away, but if I can see it then other folks can to. I believe the right person is out there for you. I don't know how to get the two of you together, but I'll keep praying for you.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and that is what you are doing right now, grieving.
I wish there were words to help you, but there aren't. Stick close to those who are supporting you and step away from those who aren't.
I am sending you warm thoughts from a far.
Hi Lori,
I've read your blog for a while now, but I've never commented… especially with recent events, I felt I shouldn't say anything if I didn't have anything useful… beyond saying "I'm unbelievably sorry for your loss" I didn't know what to say. However, I the other day I heard a book review on NPR (America's public radio station) for a book called "Why Suicide" (http://whysuicidebook.com/). It was written by a man whose father committed suicide when he was just a boy. I think it might be a beneficial read for you, as you've mentioned several times you're worried about how these tragic events will mold your life and those of your children. I assume you've got my email address as a result of this post, and I'd be happy to purchase and send this to you if you'd like to provide me your address. If it's something you think you would be interested in reading… I hope such a suggestion isn't unfeeling right now, it's truly meant to be helpful.
You're in my thoughts.
Lisa
That is the least shocking and sordid thing I've read all day:P What could possibly be shocking or sordid about needing or wanting to be loved and comforted?
I think moving away is the best idea, and I love that you're laying down some boundaries to those destructive people in your life.
I know you hate it when we tell you you're strong. You say, 'I have no choice'. Not true. You could've chosen a more destructive choice or choices. But you've got the courage to try to be strong. This sort of strength in life only comes about by constant usage, and it was YOU who has been making that choice to constantly build your strength by doing the tough things, such as getting out of bed, eating, spending time with your kids, living your life, however painful it's been to do that.
To be strong or get strong needs a choice to begin with. You definitely didn't choose this situation, but you've chosen to do what's right, even though that's not always the easy path.
Look back from now to when all this happened, and realise how far you've come along again. I know I asked this of you recently, but you've had a hell of a lot of progress even since then:)
We all keep telling you you're strong because we're proud of you. We all keep telling you you're strong, because you do what's got to be done despite not having a choice in what's happened. To remind you for those darker times, that when you think you can't do it, there are so many of us who know you can.
And you know what? There are rewards for the strong ones in life. Please don't listen to anyone who thinks that what you are going through is merely a 'role'. Fuck, these are people who were telling you at five weeks to get on with it, then at two months, to grieve harder and put the ring back on! These people want you to sit at home for the rest of your life, keep the ring on your finger, do not leave the house, just look after the children and never have a good time again.
I'm just glad that instead of taking on that role, you're changing the audience;)
I need to comment again to say I FOUND THE EASTER EGG!
A fact you are already aware of but still, I'm here to show off.
And it makes me love you even more! x
You are loveable, Lori and you will love and be loved again. In the meantime, you're doing okay. To be able to think and write this way, yes, you're doing okay.
I find it unforgiveable of those "friends" who are now turning away from you. Of course, they don't need to be ther 24/7, they have their own lives, but to stay away, to ignore you completely to the point where you feel a stranger in your home? That's wrong.
I have been following your blog for a while (since the Before) and I am still intrigued at how strong you have been through everything!
My heart breaks for you and your children every time… Do what you need to do to be happy again Lori, and f**k those people who aren't there to support you; you're probably better of without them.
I'll leave you with a quote that was pulsing through my brain as I read this last post:
"Never apologise for saying what you feel – it's like saying "sorry for being real".
Put yourself first Lori !
Many hugs, thoughts and prayers for you.
Lauren, Sydney
I was using WittyUserName, but you know who I am IRL, Lori.
And I am calling 'bullshit' on who ever said you are 'a difficult, painful person to be around'.
You and I both know that I am the only one who has spent large blocks of time just 'being' around you and the kidlets recently, hanging in the background to help in the tiny insignificant ways that I cant with the 'small things that fry your brain'.
I just spent the whole weekend with you and the littlies in your hometown, and have I ever, even once, said anything negative of your actions? Have I commented that you are a drain on me, or acting in any other way, than is to be expected?
This person who you 'love and trust to tell you the truth' told you that you drain their 'patience, their strength, their happiness' makes me want to scream.
You love me, and trust me to tell you the truth, and I'm telling you now, that was bullshit. That is not true, and was not said with your best interests in mind.
When you move, leave those sorts of people behind, the heart-sinkers, and cherish the heart-lifters.
Lori, don't let Tony's actions and choices define you. He was suffering. He was not mentally stable when he took his life. You may never be able to get inside his mind and understand why he did what he did. But it does NOT say anything about who you are or whether you are or are not lovable. You are a beautiful, honest, amazing woman. You deserve to be loved and comforted and cherished. You will find love again. I know it. xx
Tony chose to leave.
You are choosing to live.
Do whatever you need to do to make that a reality for you and your babies.
It might be hard for Tony's friends to read that you want to be loved because they were too close to Tony to be able to see past their own grief.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, but I wish some people had a filter button so difficult situations were't made even harder by judgemental taunts from others.
Live, Love, Laugh
Right now you are living, my wish for you is to be living the other two x
guh! fuck, words are inefficient at times.
no judgment, just love.
You're accepted here.
We love you.
You've made an impact on my daily life.
take care precious girl xox
Lori. I vote all bets are off at this point. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. There is no rhyme or reason in what has happened in your life right now. In some ways, it must feel better that more time is passing, here in the After. And I expect that in some ways …. it must be starting to feel worse.
Do what feels good. As long as you and your two babies are fed, loved, and tucked in to bed safely at night …… nothing else matters. NOTHING. As long as you kiss them and love them – love them with your broken heart … then you are doing your fucking job goddamit.
Up where I live, many years ago … a firefighter died suddenly. Not from a fire – he had a heart attack and just dropped dead one day. Gone. You know what his wife did? She hooked up with another guy, pretty much straight away. She had small children too – and it's a fucking small town up here, so there were many murmurings of disapproval.
But also not. She had people around her who understood and accepted and loved her and wished nothing but happiness and joy for her, throughout such a terrible time in her life. I think they eventually parted ways, after a few years.
And so the fuck what? WHAT?? It must feel good, for some people to feel so damn holier-than-thou. So judgemental. So RIGHT.
Lori, the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.
I, for one – don't mind. I would do anything in my human powers to give you anything at all to make you happy. And I have met you in real life ONCE.
You are beautiful XOXOX
Ummm I thought I posted this before then I came back to read the comments and it wasn't there? So here goes again…
Hey Lori,
You don't know me although I think we may have met once briefly. A few times now I've wanted to comment with words of support but I've felt a little out of line to do so. Like I didn't really even have the right to be reading what's been happening etc. I don't know. And I'm sorry. But now I realize that with the negative treatment you have been getting from everyone else a little supportive comment from someone you don't know but knew Tony surely can't be out of line in comparison? I can't relate to alot of what you explain te you're going through but I can certainly understand it and why you feel certain ways and you know what – I agree with you. I think you are doing what you need to do and think you should continue doing it. I don't lie in the area anymore but I grew up there and one thing I know is that it can be a very viscious place sometimes. I know you probably have loads of people to talk to and to support you but I'd really like to let you know that you have another in me. To talk about Tony, your feelings, the kids or even the happy things and fun things. Whatever. With no judgement. No criticism. Complete confidence. There shouldn't be side's really but clearly some people (not you) have made it that way. Lori – I'm on yours.
You have to think what you think, Lori. If you start censoring yourself then where will you be? x
I am waiting for the day that you find everything you want/need. Including a man to love you in whatever form it is you need. A friend with benefits, a friend who just gives the love and companionship without the *extras* or a second love of your life. If that is tomorrow, then it is what it is. If it is in 2 years, that's when it was meant to be.
There will be all kinds of crap said from all corners i am sure, and that will happen no matter when the love comes.
I don't think it is disrespecting Tony… and if people think it is, fuck it, he was a whole lot more than disrespecting you in his last day (days? weeks?)
I am sure you are hard to be around for people close to you. Not because of any of the reasons you said about short tempers etc but because they desperately want to fix things for you and they can't. Seeing someone so hurt, so grieving… it's tough.
I wish you all the love Lori, from friends, family, readers and a man.
How anyone can blame anyone else other than the victim of suicide is beyond me. You are right, Tony made his choice, whether he meant to die or not, he made that choice. Youd didn't cause it, no one can you blame you for HIS actions. They need to pull their heads in and deal with their own feelings of loss and inadequacy for not seeing how much trouble Tony was in. Easier for them to blame you. They are wrong. Tony did leave your marriage and you have every right to be hurt and angry by that.
You deserve to be loved again, I truly hope you find it. In your own time, be that now or whenever, the right person will come along when they are meant to. There is no right and wrong in grief. Give yourself a break, and it sounds like it is time to move away from the destructive forces that are around you now.
Hugs to you xxx
It just feels so very cruel.. The person who I loved so much, the only person who ever loved me enough to want to be with me all the time, he left.
You are right! it is very cruel. Tony did/does love you and he left. But YOU. ARE. LOVABLE. If you are christian.. I will say this is you being stretched…(into with in inches of your life maybe) and if you are not I will say… this SUCKS. But you are strong, you are lovable…and one day you will have another man who will be all that you need and want. I will pray for you and your family…but in the non obtrusive, helpful way, not in the obnoxious uber christian way
Hey Lori,
You don't know me although I think we may have met once briefly. A few times now I've wanted to comment with words of support but I've felt a little out of line to do so. Like I didn't really even have the right to be reading what's been happening etc. I don't know. And I'm sorry. But now I realize that with the negative treatment you have been getting from everyone else a little supportive comment from someone you don't know but knew Tony surely can't be out of line in comparison? I can't relate to alot of what you explain te you're going through but I can certainly understand it and why you feel certain ways and you know what – I agree with you. I think you are doing what you need to do and think you should continue doing it. I don't lie in the area anymore but I grew up there and one thing I know is that it can be a very viscious place sometimes. I know you probably have loads of people to talk to and to support you but I'd really like to let you know that you have another in me. To talk about Tony, your feelings, the kids or even the happy things and fun things. Whatever. With no judgement. No criticism. Complete confidence. There shouldn't be side's really but clearly some people (not you) have made it that way. Lori – I'm on yours. And I'm not fazed about anyone knowing it. X
Lori — I think, and I know less than nothing, but I think that Tony was hurting (for whatever reason) so badly that he wanted you to hurt too in that moment. Like, he didn't want to be alone in it.
Everything you've written here is exactly what I have imagined I would be feeling since I started reading about your After. I've marvelled sometimes reading your posts at how you are still breathing cos I try to put myself in your shoes and just can't imagine the horror. When you wrote about people thinking you should be over it, well, i was mortified because with my mind imagining being you, I couldn't believe you were even getting out of bed yet. I have young kids too and it would be my biggest fear to perhaps not be able to smile from my heart for them…and to not be able to properly again in the foreseeable future. I feel for you every day, and there is no answers for you. You have alot of us out here wishing the best for you, and wanting for you not to feel guilty for feeling any of your feelings. I hope in some small way that helps you.
Like so many other people write to you, simply, HUGS.
xxoo
You will find that special someone again. I have walked your shoes and continue to walk them everyday!
I posted last week on one of your blogs but you may not have seen it. I feel like I am reading my life from start to finish just several steps behind from where I am today. I lost my husband in Sept 2009, he died of a sudden heart attack and my world fell apart.
I too was left with children aged 2 and 4 and I struggled long and hard with my grief and insecurities but everyday put on my game face and kept going.
There is so much I want to say to you to let you know that it does get better and easier and like you I wanted to tell those so called do gooders and "concerned others" those people who left the immediate phonecalls…if you need anything… blah blah blah to fuck off!!! (I am still waiting 18 months later for some of them to call just to see how I am doing…..)
As a result I no longer speak to many people including my mother who felt they had a right to judge me and my actions. I picked myself up after 4 months, grief and all despite what anyone thought…. and met a wonderful man who has taken me and my girls for all we are worth.
He is not my "new" husband, nor the father figure that everyone accused me of replacing Brett with but he is the person I continue to cry too on many days, whom I still yell at when the stress gets too much but he is the one who is helping me to put my life back together piece by piece.
Life does go on, you are on the right track, days blur but you do what gets you through those days and if means you move on, then do it!
You are the one who has been left alone to pick up the pieces of your children's broken hearts, not to mention your own. All the so called people who want to help are not there during the night when you just want some sleep or someone to hold you or to bath and feed the kids when you really can't be stuffed.
I have only been following your posts for a week after a friend recommended it to me. I feel like we are similar in so many ways.
Please feel free to contact me via email trinaw_75@hotmail.com I really could have done with communicating with someone who really knew what it was like…. from start to finish. Right down to the knowing my husband for a total of 5 years, falling in love and becoming pregnant within months of meeting each other.
I am out here and I am here to listen if you want me too…
Take care.
Trina
Lori, this all just sucks and I can only begin to imagine your hurt…yes you are okay, yes you are okay to want someone to take care of you….totally normal I think….nohting I say or do will change any of this BUT (and here's my but…) I absolutely WILL pray for you (and my God listens, He has shown me that on a number of occasions!!!), TK xx
Lori, hmmm maybe…I dunno…call a gigolo to come and 'pretend'. Hold you, stroke your hair. caress you, tell you you're beautiful, still desirable…Hell, pay him to role play!! If it helps? No shame in that. Don't need to tell anyone.
Just remember there are no rules to this, no definite timeline. You make your own rules unique to you, you decide on your own timeline. No one can tell you how to live your life. NO ONE.
And i totally get why you are moving. I would too.
I hope that we can have a chance to meet before you go though, that is if you want to?
I don't really know what to say that would help, except that I do know how you feel, I've been there. Have been betrayed by the man I married, who turned out to be someone I didn't even know. It felt like a burning sword slicing me open. Everything I ever believed in turned to ashes. None of it was true. He chose to leave, to betray, to hurt…. To erase our entire history… To turn out to be a criminal, the lowest of the low… And then turn everyone against me… Yes, I got the "You drove him to it!". Right!
One person can never make another person do anything. Unless they are as skilled at psychological manipulation as my ex was and manage to get you to think that you're worthless and the whole world would be better off with you dead.
Sorry, Lori. Your post has brought all this back… The point being that I know how you feel. It stinks, it's awful. It does pass. You want it gone immediately, but it stays for way too long. You're the best judge of what is best for you. Trust yourself.
I'm so glad you wrote this. It's been hinted at in previous posts, but I hated that you seemed to be shying away from it. I assume for the benefit of Tony's 'friends'.
I think that as horrible and selfish as that final act was, it was the act of someone mentally usntable. So while it was his 'choice' at the time, it was not really Tony. Not the Tony that loved and married you, and made those babies with you.
And me, personally? I think that the real Tony would be horrified at his so called 'mates'. Horrified, appalled that they haven't scooped you up and taken care of you. That they didn't respect him enough to look after those he held most dear.
The real Tony would have wanted that for you. Maybe not 'sick' Tony. But the real Tony, would be sick to his stomach and ashamed of those 'friends' of his.
You deserve better than all of them. You deserve another love, Lori. You do.
You are completely deserving of love…and it's the opposite of what you're getting now. I think you need to move to a new city. You need a place where you have to rely on you, instead of wishing you could rely on those you can't. Where you can become you again. Not old you, but new you. You have a chance to be a better you than you had been, but you can't do it in a place where everyone holds you to the old-you. Wishing you the best from the US! Michelle
We all deserve love and right now is the time you need it most. I can completely understand your feelings and by articulating this others in your situation now know they are not alone by feeling the same way.
Just take it all one breath at a time, you are doing a marvelous job just by doing the best you can under the shit circumstances
I could say a 1000 different things, and all of them would sound inadequate, or trite… so I will just say this. keep telling YOUR truth honey. this is YOUR blog. tell it how it is. If you don't have this space to download what's going on in your brain, then what do you have. Don't say it how you think it should be said – keep saying it how it is.
xoxoxoxo
Hello Lori,
I am a random follower (no one you know or converse with). I have been following you periodically. Thank you for your contribution. Sharing your thoughts and experiences — it has touched many lives, and has helped me personally in many ways. You are making a difference.
Firstly, you are one courageous lady. Way to speak your truth!
I am not writing to comment on your appropriateness. I have no real opinion in this matter, or right to weight in on where your thoughts and actions supposedly read on some imaginary moral meter. What you are going through, and your thoughts … this journey is yours. No one has the right to criticize. Of course, that will not stop some from criticizing anyway.
I am writing to share something I have observed in my life, and in the lives of others close to me. I had the (mis)fortune of falling in love with a bipolar man. I am in no way comparing any of my experiences with yours — they are not in the same vicinity. I met and fell in love with someone I thought I knew well, and I spent many near perfect blissful years with him. When his mental illness advanced and his alcoholism surfaced, the hardest part was dealing with the personality changes … which appeared and disappeared without explanation, and not only when he was intoxicated. How did I think that I knew this man, and how could he all of a sudden turn into such an asshole? What happened to our incredible relationship and effortless communication? Why did he suddenly stop showing/demonstrating his once passionate love for me?
I have now met many others who have loved ones who suffer from mental illness, substance abuse, or both. I still maintain that the hardest part is feeling estranged, to have the person we know and love slowly turn into a stranger. It is so easy to doubt the character, motivations, sincerity — everything that we have ever shared. The person we loved, their personality goes away and is replaced by something ugly and unfamiliar. It is confusing to say the least.
So I suppose I am writing this drawn out response to remind you of one thing you already know — your husband suffered from an illness … a serious illness that effected his behavior, thoughts, actions. Only one who is mentally ill would attempt suicide. Whatever his motivations were for doing whatever he did, they were clouded by an actual chemical process … an ongoing chemical process, not just a sudden lapse of judgment. I have had struggles with depression, and you have eluded to your struggles in this area as well — confusion doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am not excusing his horrible actions, nor am I telling you how to feel/act. I suppose I am writing to share my perspective and to point out that it is very difficult to use a rational mind/thought process to understand one who is afflicted in such a way. And I hope that my post hasn't upset you, as that is not my intention. You have more than enough on your plate.
I am sending positive energy your way … I think of you often and hope that you are getting by the best you can in your horrible circumstance.
I'm just appalled! You mean you want to be loved? Wow. Crazy stuff.
Seriously, of course you do. Everyone does! But when no one is there to hold you and stroke your hair and make you feel safe, it's up to you to be your own love. To love yourself. Sure, it sucks, but at least you know where you stand and you know that you don't plan to betray yourself.
With that said, I truly believe it will come along for you – just when the time is right. And you'll look back and know just why there wasn't someone there for you at this time. But when you're in the middle of it, the quagmire and muck and stench suck…..
No, I'm not telling you to wish for it. I'm just saying do everything you can for yourself and to find forgiveness and love for yourself until someone else is there.
xoxo
You deserve every bit of what you want and if people can't understand that well then FUCK THEM. They aren't the ones dealing with this, you are and you deserve whatever will help you through it whether anyone approves or not. Do whatever helps you, whatever is best for you. Be selfish. And don't apologize for it.
Seriously those people judging you and saying shitty things deserve a slap or two. It's not your fault that Tony did something stupid, and don't let them say anything like that to you.
Just keep on feeling, your normal, feelings.
Hugs
You do deserve love … and I know you will find it again sooner than you think. Sounds very clairvoyant of me I know … I just have a feeling xx
Hi Lori,
As others have pointed out here. It is not wrong that you want to be loved again.
It is perhaps one of the most basic human drives – that craving for love and affection.
I hope you find it.
I am thinking of you and wishing you strength.
Trisha
I get that. Somebody once said to me- 'don't be afraid to look at your wounds- as this is where the light shines through' (as ugly, dull & distorted as that light may be at the moment). Much love & healing to you girl- Janey (Em's sister) xxxx
Lori, I truly hope you find what you're looking for. You most certainly deserve to be loved!
Smooches,
Lucy
Sounds totally normal. Hugs sweetie!!
You are *beautiful* – inside and out. You deserve comfort and peace. I'm sure it will come, eventually, little by little…
I'm still here, reading, and supporting you in every way possible from so far away.
Sending you LOVE, and PEACE,
Marianna
Hello Lori,
I am a random reader(no one you know or converse with). I have been following you periodically. Thank you for your contribution. Sharing your thoughts and experiences — it has touched many lives, and has helped me personally in many ways. You are making a difference.
Firstly, you are one courageous lady. Way to speak your truth!
I am not writing to comment on your appropriateness (or lack thereof). I have no real opinion in this matter, or right to weigh in on where your thoughts and actions supposedly read on some imaginary moral meter. What you are going through … this journey is yours. No one has the right to criticize. Of course, that will not stop some from criticizing anyway.
I am writing to share something I have observed in my life, and in the lives of others close to me. I had the (mis)fortune of falling in love with a bipolar man. I am in no way comparing any of my experiences with yours — they are not in the same vicinity. I met and fell in love with someone I thought I knew well, and I spent many near perfect blissful years with him. When his mental illness advanced and his alcoholism surfaced, the hardest part was dealing with the personality changes … which appeared and disappeared without explanation, and not only when he was intoxicated. How did I think that I knew this man, and how could he all of a sudden turn into such an asshole? What happened to our incredible relationship and effortless communication? Why did he suddenly stop showing/demonstrating his once passionate love for me?
I have now met many others who have loved ones who suffer from mental illness, substance abuse, or both. I still maintain that the hardest part is feeling estranged, to have the person we know and love slowly turn into a stranger. It is so easy to doubt the character, motivations, sincerity — everything that we have ever shared. The person we loved, their personality goes away and is replaced by something ugly and unfamiliar. It is confusing to say the least.
So I suppose I am writing this drawn out response to remind you of one thing you already know — your husband suffered from an illness … a serious illness that effected his behavior, thoughts, actions. Only one who is mentally ill would attempt suicide. Whatever his motivations were for doing whatever he did, they were clouded by an actual chemical process … an ongoing chemical process, not just a sudden lapse of judgment. I have had struggles with depression, and you have eluded to your struggles in this area as well — confusion doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am not excusing his horrible actions, nor am I telling you how to feel/act. I suppose I am writing to share my perspective and to point out that it is very difficult to use a rational mind/thought process to understand one who is afflicted in such a way. And I hope that my post hasn't upset you, as that is not my intention. You have more than enough on your plate.
I am sending positive energy your way … I think of you often and hope that you are getting by the best you can in your horrific circumstance.
You DO deserve someone to love you. And I'm glad to hear that you want that. You are young and beautiful and it will happen. Kids and all.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Tony's friends need someone to blame. They won't blame themselves. They could be part of the problem. I hear it all the time at work. "yeah, my old lady is a bitch". Makes me mad because I see them with their wives and they are all nice and cuddly with them, but I think it is just a man thing that makes them "have to be part of the she's a bitch" crowd.
You are really an amazing woman to put all this out there. Just know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
You are not wrong.You deserve what you want and you will find it. I'm sure of that.
Maybe he loved you so much he couldn't walk away. Rejection from the person you love stinks and you have been handed it in the worst imaginable way. Incomparable, I know but when I was going through my divorce I remember once curled up in a ball against the living room wall sobbing with hurt and pain. The manner in which he chose to leave is not your responsibility, it was his. Bringing back your happiness is your responsilibity and you go for it. Of course you need a man, it's completely natural. Why do so many people in bad marriages have affairs? We all desire and crave that unconditional, I love you for who you are love. You are lovable, we all are, you are beautiful and there will be a time when somebody else gives you that feeling. And if you want to go seek it now, then hell why not. And if it is easier to do that in a new life, a new home, away from people who make you feel judged then get away..do what you need to do and fuck the rest.
It sounds like you need to get away from those people…a new start. You are not responsible for his death, as tragic as it is.
xoxo
i thought of this song when i read this post
Sia – Breathe Me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM
You deserve to feel loved so much. I feel for you.
So sorry you are not getting support either
This comment has been removed by the author.
I suspect it is a total normal human reaction. My fathers first wife died. He had three children. He met and married my Mum within less than a year. People frowned. It was the making of him (and me, quite literally.)
xx
You deserve happiness, Lori. You deserve love, compassion and joy in your life. It will come. One day. I don't know when, but it will come. xxx
You are beyond description – in a good way. The plainest way I can put it is this : bugger everyone's opinions. Look after you and your kids and that's all. I think you're just lovely awesome cool – my official opinion – from meeting you in the flesh, without much knowledge of what you have going one. I truly hope you do what makes you feel good, happy, positive, like you can get through – whatever it takes on any given day.
Never apologise for your feelings – they are your own! You have every right to them. And if people think less of you because of the way you think or feel, that's their shit.
I found myself nodding in agreement as I read your post because I can identify with a little of what you are going through (my situation will never compare with yours though). A few years ago when I was severely depressed and suffering from PTSD, I became too afraid to answer the phone or open the mail. Even being in the presence of other people became too much to cope with at times.
You deserve everything my darling. First up, I think it best that you move.xx
Please do not think you are alone in these thoughts – I walked a parallel path 16 years ago with two children aged 6 and 3. And if you and I are the only people to feel this then we can be the 'normal' ones and everyone else is not.( I do think though that there could be lots of people who feel this way, they just aren't prepared to come out and say it). I think you have already worked out that there will be people you will probably never see again – they don't matter. When someone leaves you this way, you doubt yourself and think you are unlovable. But it isn't true, you are worthy, and you do deserve to be loved.
It's funny to think that 16 years have gone for me. It feels like yesterday but also another life time. I did find someone to hold me and comfort me – I wasn't wrong to want it.
I've just stumbled across your blog tonight and I'm so sorry to hear whats happened to you. I couldnt imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, and I'm sure you will go through the whole range of emotions while you process and deal with what happened. Just remember, your allowed to be angry, be hurt and upset just remember you have two beautiful children that love and need you, so be sure to get strong again for them. Like others have said, your not broken, just grieving. Human Nature is to crave love and effection and thats what you are craving, no shame in admitting that.
No-one has the right to make you feel ashamed for whats happened, you didnt make him kill himself, he chose that himself, dont ever feel guilty for that.
hugs
Kirsty xx
Lori I read the following online…
"According to psychoanalyst John Hassler of La Jolla, California, it is common for young widows to have a series of sexual encounters. These affairs give widows permission to feel and reaffirm their aliveness."
So your current feelings are not unusual gorgeous girl~!
Hugs
Kimmie
x
It is totally human nature to crave that affection! And you deserve it so much right now.
This is a completely random thing to say, but the Grey's Anatomy scene where Denny has died, and Alex scoops Izzy off the bed and just holds her while she sobs is burnt in to my memory as a prime example of a time when ONLY the comfort of another person (for me it would be a man) would come anywhere close to providing the affection needed in that moment. I know it's a tv show, and this is real life, but I am trying to say that I think it's pretty normal to crave what you're craving right now.
I hope with everything that I am that you find it. Much love! xx
I wish I knew what to say. I've been checking in every day to see how you're going. I'm so sorry for the lack of support from those who you thought were friends – such a slap in the face on top of everything.
Wanting to be loved again, to feel safe again and have someone to lean on is so very natural to want and that doesn't take away anything you had with Tony.
I have no doubt you'll find that again and I wish you much healing & love in the meantime.
And to those judging you – unless they've spent a day in your shoes, what possible right do they have to judge you? So very cruel and cowardly of them. Surely Tony would not have wanted his "friends" to treat his wife and mother of his children in such a way?
It's the most human thing in the world to want to be loved. It's what we all want. And it's why we all feel so much pain when that love it taken away.
I can't imagine what you're going through, but it doesn't surprise me at all that you want to feel that kind of love again. I hope that you find it.
You're grieving – not broken.
Be kind to yourself and remember, that you are worth it. Whatever you want, you are worth it.
(((hugs)))
It truly sucks Lori. Wish there was more I could give you then my words. You are in a place most of us can't even imagine. Be gentle to yourself. You deserve that.
…You are craving for the love/Tony that you have lost. It is not wrong. You deserve a man to love YOU. At this point in time, any man who would hope to show you this love, would NOT fit the bill…
You have lost your love, in the most horrific way imaginable & you just want this not to be true! It can't be real. You need to have your purple, lovely, amazing love life BACK! You need your Tony, the Tony you loved & married…
the love that made you feel so safe, happy & secure, has been ripped from you & you just want it back! Your circle of love, life, security & strength has been broken..
The love that you have described can only come from someone who knows you so deeply & so intiamtley & who loves you more than you love yourself, Someone who knows you better than you know yourself. Someone who doesn't 'blame' you for what Tony did to you & your kids…
… Lori. You need to heal & you need to love yourself. THEN, you will find the man who knows & loves himself & will do everything in his power to know & love you too…
I agree with Kimmy – sounds like you need a 'friends with benefits' situation..And why the hell not?
I also agree with everyone else – you certainly do deserve some love. You are not undeserving. At all.
Good luck with the fresh start.
xxx
You deserve love, and you deserve happiness. Stuff what people think about "moving on too early" No possible amount of passing time could bring him back.
I will happily rock back n forth in the corner with you. x
Sweetie i've been a single mum for over 4 yrs now and i have those feelings too, i dont need a man to kill spiders mow the lawn or be a dad to my 2 boys, i just wont someone to love me for me so i can remember that i'm special and worthy too.
Its your life now, he chose his actions and left u to pick up the pieces, U now get to make all the decisions regardless of what anyone else thinks , these are your babies, and i know you'll make the right choices for them and u,
Good luck Sweets
I am still completely and utterly gobsmacked that you have copped so much flack off people for actions that weren't even YOURS!
I agree – You're grieving, not broken. Everyone craves love, comfort and affection x
Follow your heart, Your not fucked up, It's your life, YOUR life, and when you find someone new which you will, well, I wont say i told you so, I'll just watch you smile….
You totally deserve to be loved and hug and told your beautiful and how dar anyone judge you for that ,everyone greives and heals in their own way and that is ok …..i know we dont know each other but i think you are amazing and maybe just maybe by blogging about it you are helping others that might be going through simillar things ….xxx
It's SO not wrong for you to want that, Lori. Everyone deserves love and comfort when they need it.
I expect you probably are hard to be around right now, and as you said, you're not to blame for that.
It's because you're not holding back. You're not pretending, to make others feel better.
And I reckon that's the best thing you can do; it's the best way to heal.
I know you don't see it right now, but you have balls of steel. It takes so much courage to go on, the way you have.
You're smart and funny and gutsy, and honest and real.
I wish you could see the 'you' that we see.