My Babies.

by Lori Dwyer on April 6, 2011 · 30 comments

I haven’t written much about my kids, on this blog, in the After.

I used to write about them all the tim, just about every day.

But After, now.. it just hurts too much.

We are in pain, my Chop and I. We are grieving. My Bump, she is not old enough.. but she knows that there is Something. And she knows, of course, that her Daddy is gone.

But sometimes, I forget that before they were grieving children, they were just children. And they still are children, children like any other.

My little man, he’s three, and the spitting, cheeky image of his dad. He is a fussy eater- sandwiches and fruit- but he loves lollies and ice cream. He’s a daydreamer, a dawdler, always ten steps behind me when I’m walking… taking everything in. He listens, and watches- he’s smart for his age. He loves to sing, and dance, he loves the Wiggles. The Chop is very much a boy’s boy- he plays with car and tools and fixes things with his drill. His curiousity nearly kills me, he loves anything electoric and can tell you exactly how both the TV and antenna work, and his favorite word is ‘Mum’. He’s gorgeous, funny, passive, deep and sweet.. and my heart aches for him, every second of every day. Because I know how it hurts to lose your best mate.

And my little girl, my Bump? She was born in the sunshine, and it’s showed ever since. She’s happy, bouncy, funny. Always laughing and smiling. As she gets older, she just gets cheekier. She was the apple of her father’s eye, his princess, his little girl, and he adored her. I remember, he used to walk her round and round the block when she was tiny, and screaming with reflex. “Look,” commented our neighbours, “there’s Toz with his princess.” You’ve heard her at this time of night, she’s no princess…”

But we were talking about the After, the now.

The Bump is a stirrer, with fiesty temper- she lashes out, smacks her brother in anger the way he never would have. She loves pretty things- dollies and hairclips and beads and her Dorothy the Dinosaur tail. She’s permantaley attached to a small pink doll’s stroller that she pushes around, and she eats anything and everything, especially pasta or strawberries, with gusto and relish.

I remember, in the depths of my own depression after the Bump was born, Tony saying to me “they’re such happy kids, darl, and I don’t want to do anything to ruin that.”

I’m doing my best. They are happy kids, still, but, in the same way I walk a very fine line between finding the happiness in one moment at a time, in the simplest things, and the falling down the rabbit hole into the very depths of blackness… so, I think, do they.

I’m doing my best, babe. The cards are stacked just slightly against me here- but our biggest goal, as parents, was to raise happy, resliant children. And that hasn’t changed.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

sheena August 12, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Really a great post.I liked it and i will share it with others too.
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sam May 25, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Really a great post.I liked it and i will share it with others too.
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Sarah April 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

They are gorgeous, well behaved, happy normal kids. I love them to pieces & you are doing a fantastic job with them. Don't ever doubt yourself mummy, you are doing great.


Mamapumpkin April 8, 2011 at 2:06 am

Oh, Lori….I cried when I read this. I just cannot imagine your pain but if I could share some of it and take some away from you, believe me, I would, just to help even if a little. I'm so proud of you for staying alive and braving this life for your kids. Don't ever give up, sweetie. Fall, if you must, but don't ever give up. Sending you all my love xoxoxoxox


Joe April 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

You are great mum.All the best……………..

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Donna April 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You are all taking care of each other, and will help each other heal. They will never forget their father, but they'll also come to know they have a kick-ass, strong mother xx


Amelia {Weddings, Babies… Everything} April 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Your little treasures are lucky to have such a loving mum. They will be fine because they have you. :)


Wanderlust April 7, 2011 at 6:47 am

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, sweetie. Your kids will be okay. Kids are incredibly resilient. As long as you are okay, they will be okay, so take care of you. xo


Wombo55 April 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

And they are beautiful kids Lori. Such a pity that we weren't able to stay longer when we called in to see you on Sunday. :(

You are doing a great job and I take my hat off to you and your strength :)


Hear Mum Roar April 6, 2011 at 11:14 pm

You're remembering what's most important in life, and I think any mum who can keep sight of that is a fantastic mum. Much love xxx


Lavender Hearts April 6, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Together with your precious babies you'll find your way through the pain and changes. You're doing so well Lori. Love from here.


cassey April 6, 2011 at 9:36 pm

You can do it! Hugs.


Melissa April 6, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Oh this post makes my heart hurt. I look at my kids and worry about what life will throw at them – I want to shield them from pain, though I know I can't – but I can't imagine having to watch them grieve their father. It sounds to me like you're doing your best and that is all anyone can ask of you – including your children.


Kristina Hughes April 6, 2011 at 7:35 pm

I totally hear how hard it must be – dealing with your own grief, let alone the grief of your children. But it sounds to me like you give them an ocean of love and understanding and, ultimately, that's what kids need. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, Lori xx


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow April 6, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Mamas rock.


A Daft Scots Lass April 6, 2011 at 5:04 pm

…the words of a great mum!


River April 6, 2011 at 3:57 pm

All you can do is love them, be there for them, and maybe let them lead the way now and again.


Lucy April 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Hook into that purpose. xx


alliecat April 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm

You are doing your absolute best, we can see that. Tony would be proud. Love to you and your babies xox


edenland April 6, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Oh Lori this post. Fuck.

Every time I see a snippet of a photo of your children – every time, I literally gasp. I can't believe this has happened and how young they are. And how extraordinarily hard it must be for you, to get through this world on a day-to-day basis – taking care of two small children.

I send you all my love XOXOX


Marianna Annadanna April 6, 2011 at 11:11 am

They are wonderful. And they have a wonderful mum. They will make it out of this, and so will you.
love, strength, and peace,
xo Marianna


Miss Pink April 6, 2011 at 11:05 am

<3 Your kids are tough cookies. There are kids out there with both parents, who act up a lot more than your two. It's still early days, and your kids doing so well? That's all because of you hun.


Jane April 6, 2011 at 10:22 am

You are such a great mum xxx

Reply April 6, 2011 at 10:08 am

I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. My heart is breaking again for you and your kids. You are one amazing lady Lori and I know deep down that the stack of cards will shift and they will be in your favour.


Dorothy April 6, 2011 at 9:46 am

That's right, Lori, you ARE doing your best. Never forget that. Some awful shit has happened to you and it must be dealt with in the best way you know how. And you're doing it…

Don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't allow others to do it either. Not even Tony….


Being Me April 6, 2011 at 9:36 am

*applause* love, love, love to you and your babies.


bigwords is… April 6, 2011 at 8:10 am

You keep giving your babies big hugs, love and your honesty and they will grow strong and know they are loved. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job xx


Corinne – Daze of My Life April 6, 2011 at 8:07 am

You doing the best you can do, Lori. Which is all any of us can do.
Take care of yourself and your babes and everything else will fall into place eventually. xxx


Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures April 6, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Beautiful description of her children from a beautiful Mum xo


Mrs Woog April 6, 2011 at 9:38 am

You are a great Mum and your kids are going to be fine. And you are going to be fine as well x


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