Messed Up.

by Lori Dwyer on February 10, 2014 · 5 comments

I am so many kinds of messed up.

In my mind, most everything leads to suicide. The Most Amazing Man and I have a disagreement, and the thought sneaks in that he just may kill himself. Stressed about money? Surely someone will die soon. Work not going great? Suicide may be imminent.

It’s a difficult way to live. I have to constantly catch myself; remind my subconscious that it’s not going to happen. Things aren’t going to go down that way.

We pass happiness back and forth between us like a hot potato, twin batons of hope and despair. I am miserable, he is optimistic. I get back on my feet, I feel him beginning to slide. This is hard. Blending a family like this is difficult. Neither of us ever give ourselves the kudos we deserve for doing something so complicated and potentially emotionally explosive.

Six months in, and there is no yelling, no violent arguing. We don’t throw guilt at each other. We work out any little snags, smooth things over with words until they no longer threaten to catch on our clothes and cause resentment.

We- all of us, kidlets included- adapt and change and settle in to our new life. The Most Amazing Man continues to be patient and supportive. I work on getting my head together, on feeling better. On not missing my ‘old life’ quite so much.

And I remind myself to take a step back occasionally- like I’m doing right now- and take a deep breath. To be proud of me, of him, of the kidlets. We are doing something good for all of us. And we’re doing it together.


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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Vegemitevix February 11, 2014 at 8:06 pm

It isn’t an easy thing, blending families. Just as it isn’t an easy thing blending adult lives, choosing to compromise and relearn ways of doing things (But I’ve always done it like that). It’s hard blending backgrounds, and histories and dreams and dirt-on-your-elbows now. You and the Amazing Man are doing a hard thing but oh so amazing. Vix x


Emma Joyce February 11, 2014 at 4:53 pm

You are doing well Lori, one day at a time. And so beautifully written x


Anonymous February 11, 2014 at 9:46 am

Blending a family is the hardest thing you will ever do, especially when there are kids from both parties pasts and different ages. Good luck and remember one foot in front of the other.. hopefully one day we will all be happy.x


Carly Findlay February 10, 2014 at 7:01 pm

This line is amazing.
“We pass happiness back and forth between us like a hot potato, twin batons of hope and despair.”
So sorry you’re feeling like this. I hope to see you very soon x
Carly Findlay recently posted…A blog is a secret shared.My Profile


Whoa, Molly! February 10, 2014 at 10:51 am

Fear is the worst. THE WORST.

But you are doing an amazing job. And the Amazing Man. And the kids, even though they probably don’t know it.

I always forget that life happens after momentous events and big life changes. Like, things don’t just automatically switch to ‘JUST FINE’ mode once there’s been that big change. Life just keeps on and sometimes it’s just fine and sometimes not. Things will always be bumpy but maybe I can learn how to deal with it better. It sounds like are working on that too.
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…And then she wrote: The End.My Profile


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