“It’s Not A Vibrator, It’s A…”

by Lori Dwyer on May 25, 2012 · 21 comments

It is gobsmackingly difficult to get laid some times.

I guess most people would think, and I’d always assumed, that if a woman of relative attractiveness wanted to be promiscuous and sleep around, it would be easy. I remember having that conversation with a male friend, who stated that being a girl would be so simple– no man is going to say ‘no’ to coming home with you, ever. The best response I had was that, while that may be true, there was no guarantee that the random one night shag you picked up would be any good in bed.

That’s still true– no guarantees of vitality or performance, ever. But there’s actually no guarantee of getting into bed at all, which is somewhat disconcerting. I’m discovering a double standard that I probably should have already known about– while it’s just fine for men to push for sex on the first date, it’s a different arrangement for women altogether.

Being honest in the first seems to make little difference– it’s as if false promises and a game of chasing and flirting (tease) are expected, and the game is thrown when a woman is assertive and… well… acts just like a guy would. My time to myself is limited, my needs defined– men are intimidated and distrusting, unable to grasp that you really aren’t that interested in getting to know them, and you are eager and willing to fuck on the first date, in the way nice girls don’t… the amount of men who back down, shy away, won’t (so to speak) rise to text messages and dirty phone calls, leave me all dressed up with no one to….

Well. It’s enough to make a girl wonder why on earth she hasn’t already invested in a good vibrator. Even a quick visit to an adult shop in the Cross with wanton sex goddess Holly Homemaker (before she was all up duff again) wasn’t enough to entice me.

In fact, I may have just driven to the ACT for the first time ever and not stopped in Fyschwick. (For my overseas or under a rock readers– Fyschwick, small suburb of Canberra in the Australian Capital Territory, is an adult supermarket mecca. Not shops– supermarkets. Aisles and aisles, maybe ten different establishments, catering for every kink you can imagine. Our federal politicians spend most of their time in the ACT. It’s a sweet coincidence that all the things marked illegal in other states– pot, fireworks, hard core porn, prostitution– are legal and abundant in our government state.)

Being a single female in a sex shop feels akin to walking down a dark alley half naked at midnight– it’s highly possible that nothing will go wrong, but it feels damn seedy anyway. I’m guessing this is where shopping online comes in– you can spend as long as you like browsing, doing your research, and choosing which adult toy is right for you. The third alternative is those sex to parties where you go together with your mates, drink a lot of wine (or, you know, not, if you’re me), and everyone tests different toys on the tips of their noses (apparently, that’s the polite way to test vibrators at a toy party. Who knew.)

The disadvantage of that– you know now exactly what all your friends are pleasuring themselves with. Congratulations.

Not that I can talk– you may remember what became of my last vibrator. It ended up in the bin as I was packing up my Purple Life– I vaguely remember coming across it and staring at it, wondering how on earth something so silly, so much stupid fun… how did it survive this nightmare? Shouldn’t all evidence of intimacy, of breathing into each others space, shouldn’t they have been erased with all the salt I cried….?

Anyway. The whole point of this post is.. umm… I guess I really need a vibrator. In honor of that, the people at The Adult Toy Shop have given me one ‘Romance Pack For Busy Moms’ with these items:

· Moist Water Based Personal Lubricant – Strawberry 4 oz.
· Satin Scoop Vibrator
· Vivid Mini Bullet Vibrator

to give away to one very (very, very) lucky reader. The difference here– this comp is open to my US readers (or those with a US postal address) only.

To win, leave a comment with your answer, completing this sentence– “But boss, it’s not a vibrator, it’s a….”

The answer that amuses or confuses me the most wins. My decision is final and no discussion will be entered into.

This one’s open to US residents only. (‘Finally!’ I hear you say… I told you it was coming.)

Entries open Friday 25th May and close midnight (AEST) on Friday the 1st of May.

The winner will be announced via RRSAHM’s FaceBook page and Twitter feed, and probably in the newsletter as well. Winners will be emailed and have 48 hours to respond to that email with their postal address, or the prize will be redrawn.

Comments must have a valid email address to be included in this competition- I cannot stress this point enough, people. The number of times I pick a winner and have no contact address for them… it makes me sad. If you’re on Blogger,, make sure you’re logged in then click this link to set your email address to reply-able. Cheers.

Happy Friday, jellybeans.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Wanderlust May 31, 2012 at 9:04 am

How did I miss this? "Hey boss, it's not a vibrator, it's just that you make the earth move everything you talk about sales projections…or, um, benefit elections, or staff insurrection, or…actually, never mind. It is a vibrator. Can you just shut the door?"


Tickling Pink May 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

“But boss, it's not a vibrator, if you look closely you'll see that it's a living metaphor of what this company does to me every day I work here.”



Pinkie May 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm

“But boss, it's not a vibrator, it's my therapist”


Melissa May 27, 2012 at 8:08 pm

So when you said the giveaway for the US readers was coming…you weren't kidding. :) (Assuming you guarantee..ahem… satisfaction). <3 <3

I'm laughing at the longer arms comment. Funniest thing ever.


Anonymous May 26, 2012 at 9:01 pm

But boss, it's not a vibrator…it's the latest Iphone…yes, I have it on vibrate because I didn't want to disturb the others with it. I'd let you make a call…but I am kind of busy…


A Daft Scots Lass May 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Pity i dont live in the states


Ema May 26, 2012 at 5:15 am

"But Boss it's not a vibrator, it's a Walkman" (my boss is 20 something and would be impressed by something from the 80s which is considered the old days)and everyone KNOWS how "into" synthesizers (I spelled that correctly without looking) everyone was back then. . .which explains the "playlist" being as it is:)


Steph(anie) May 26, 2012 at 1:58 am

Jbizek FTW!


Jbizek May 26, 2012 at 12:15 am

"But Boss it's not a vibrator, it's BOB! (battery operated boyfriend). Bob is the best boyfriend ever! Always rises to the occasion, never talks back and if he gets on my nerves I can just put him in a drawer until I'm ready for him.


Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 11:59 pm

At 8 months pregnant I don't need a vibrator. I need longer arms!


Zoe May 25, 2012 at 11:50 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.


Lori @ RRSAHM May 25, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Dachlostar- Nooooooooo- don't tell me. You're all ruining my image of Canberrians being the coolest people in the country… no. Wait…


Lori @ RRSAHM May 25, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Anon, dude- that's still more legal than it is here. Thanks so much for fact checking me- what would I do without you?!
Cheers, Douche.


Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Don’t mean to burst your bubble re the ACT but pot isn’t really totally legal there.

Possession of up to 25 grams, or five plants, is not a criminal offence but carries a $100 fine.


dachlostar May 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Would you beliive they have banned fireworks? But not hardcore porn and prostitution ;)


Miss Pink May 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

We need to take another visit to a shop, I will be your seedy friend who comes with (not to be confused with "cums with" that would be a little over the friendship line, yes?). I need some good sex, even if it's of the battery operated type.

Ok now for my entry.
But Boss, It's not a vibrator it's a vaginal cleaning device. Not really, it is! Yes, that's why it looks like a dildo.


Jamie Leigh May 25, 2012 at 11:58 pm

I just have to say, as a fellow single female, and halfway around the world, no less… FOR REAL! How hard is it to be honest, straight out, and everyone involved get something out of the deal? Apparently pretty hard. I feel your pain…


Jen May 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

It's not a vibrator…it's a NASA pen. You know, the kind that writes upside down or underwater. I'm just THAT diligent.

I'll be taking that break now…


Draft Queen May 25, 2012 at 10:16 am

"it's a blood transport tube from Australia. Really. There was a sample in here. Right where these um, batteries are…"

(I use this, because we often get blood samples in tubes that look like quite phallic. *true story* I suppose it's to keep the tubes from being broken during shipping, but really it makes for a bunch of giggling and inappropriate comments from those of us opening up the package.)



L May 25, 2012 at 9:51 am

But boss, it’s not a vibrator…it’s crack.



Sarah M. May 25, 2012 at 9:08 am

But boss, it's not a vibrator…it's a tiny rocket ship; I have an entire collection, you know?



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