You Wanna Know About Me?
Really?
OK then… brace yourself. And remember; you asked for it.
My name is Lori.
I’m thirty one years old, and I live a little way out of Sydney, Australia I’ve just recently moved to live in Melbourne, Australia. I always thought I was common-or-garden variety normal… I’m sure that, for a while there, I was. My life has been good fun. I studied to be a social worker, and that didn’t work out; so I ran away to be a clown, and that did work out. At twenty five years old, I met the man I would marry.
His name was Tony, and in the space of five years we managed to squeeze in a lot. We bought a house, moved in to it, became engaged, got married, and had two gorgeous kids in very quick succession.
This blog begun in The Purple House, in the time of the Purple Before, when God was in his heaven and all was right with the world.
On the 6th of January, 2011, everything changed… and nothing has quite been right since.
Things unfolded in a way I still don’t completely understand, and my husband suffered a sudden and violent psychosis that resulted in him taking his own life, in our Purple backyard, while my youngest child and I watched on.
…
Don’t worry… I never really know what to say after that, either. I guess if you want to know more, the RRSAHM Mental Health page is the best place to start.
My name is Lori. I still write this blog. I’m still a mum to two beautiful kids– the Chop is all boy and all energy at five years old, the Bump is sugar and spice and a princess at four.
We lived in the TinyTrainHouse, in the TinyTrainTown, for a while, and we spent a lot do time in our heaven scented backyard. There’s always been lots of love here… and we started to laugh a bit, too.
Not too long ago, I met The Most Amazing Man In The Universe and he’s… well… pretty damn amazing. He’s taken on all three of us, with all our lumps and bumps and faults. These days, we live in The New House, in Melbourne’s inner suburbs, and we’re currently working on making this blended family a pleasant, messy reality.
In case you’re wondering (I know I would be) the About Me page I wrote long ago, way back in the crystal Before, is archived here.
I still prefer pasta to steak, and cake to chocolate. I’d still choose Billy (Connelly) over Jerry (Seinfeld) and I’ve come to the conclusion that Russell (Brand) is a douche. I like flowers, I like to sleep, I accidentally take good photos occasionally. I listen to a lot of music, I hate bullies, I live on sugar, and I don’t watch TV. I’m a chicken hugging hippy with some serious nanna tendencies who speaks semi–fluent geek.
I am a black widow spider, an urban explorer, a story teller, an accidental advocate for mental health.
People like to tell me I am little, but fierce… I got it tattooed on my leg as a reminder.
And this place? This is my salvation. I talk a lot about things other people don’t, and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. This blog can be a strange place. It’s about life and death and children and nappies and diaphragms and vibrators and grief and loneliness and loss and love and suicide and survival.
It’s about all those things and more.
It’s about the things that make us real.
And, of course, it’s about the jellybeans– if nothing else, it’s all about the jellybeans.
So… come on in. Grab a cuppa, maybe some tissues. This is my life, and it’s a strange place to be, too. But I’m told it makes for interesting reading, and you’re welcome to partake, if you wish…. but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
When your entire world starts shifting beneath your feet, you reach for the only solid object you can see. Like it, or hate it… this blog is my truth.
And I write what I like.
{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Lori,
Just started my site today and need some ideas, can you help me???
Regrads
Somebode-little
Hey there Lori,
I was just reading through a magazine yesterday when I saw your story, it was truly inspirational. I also feel your pain as it is not easy to take in the fact that half of my family have moved to the states. But anyways, I’m 12 years old and am not to bad at horse riding but if you could reply to me that would be great
Regards,
Somebode-little
Don’t know why my last comment got cut off…
I’m glad you’ve updated your “about me” page. It really sums up your journey and I’m so happy for you to see the sunny/happy reappearing for you.
Marianne recently posted…Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever
I love that you’ve updated your “about me” page.
Marianne recently posted…Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your next post
thank you once again.
coupon recently posted…coupon
I was researching ideas about a “unity” sand sculpture for a non-profit children’s charity summer camp for autistic children. Your image of the “unity family” on your blog page is a great inspiration for the design. I can send you a pic when it’s complete. I’ll be working on the design this week and complete the sculpture on July 9th.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Hi Lori,
I have been reading your blog and it is very touching.
I wanted to also see how old your child is now? If not older than 36 months then I would love to send you some information about a great new product we are looking after the PR for.
Regards,
Georgie
Hi Georgie,
Thanks for reading, and for your comment. Sadly, my youngest is 3 and a half- just a little past what you’re looking for!
Cheers,
Lori x
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jennifer recently posted…jennifer
Just want to tell you I admire your strength, your wit, and your courage. I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety since I was 15 I am now 28 with a beautiful 2 year old little boy. Only YOU can understand your pain because only YOU have lived it but just know that you are admired beautiful creative courageous FIERCE and that though you have already lived thru such tragedy that most cant begin to comprehend that "Every little thing is gonna be alright"
Australia has odd relationship with suicide. We like to believe we are strong, but strength isn't about dodging issues. Suicide needs good discussion in schools and generally. Mental health is a big issue, but needs more understanding.
I hope we learn from the horrors and tragedy of those poor folk who suffer from mental illness. We need to be strong, but in a real way. Our fragile strength isn't good enough when life becomes overwhelming from illness and sorrow.
All the best to those seeking to understand,
seeking peace and working through their pain.
Haven't checked in for a while. I just wanted to let you know that I am glad you are still blogging, healing and finding joy where you can.
Blessings to you and yours,
R – from America
Hey, have had my own slice of hell – a variant to yours but just as unpalatable. Fortunately I am in the 'new normality'. Just wanted to say I do think you are brave to bear all on your blog. Somethings are very raw and those bits of me I saved for the 'in my head blog'. People still tell me I am brave etc but when you have a couple of little kids staring at you, you don't get a lot of choice but to be brave. I don't know where the inner resources come from that help you to cope but I am sure as hell glad they are in there somewhere. Solidarity Sister!
I too have had this most terrible and isolating experience. I was 28years old when my 32 year old husband committed suicide leaving me and our two children, son 4 years old and daughter 2 years old. I still remember the Police knocking on the door to tell me that my husband's body had been found at the bottom of a cliff. I felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me and that I had fallen into a black hole that I was to remain in for quite some time. The hardest thing in the world was to tell my two children that their father was gone and was not coming back. Organising the funeral was a surreal experience – I was too young to be a widow and it all just seemed to be so wrong. So called experts recommend that you see the body to say goodbye as it helps with the grieving process. I looked at this person who was once my husband and said goodbye. This was 16 years ago and I still have nightmares about it. The funeral didn't seem real either. The kids were running around, not really knowing what was going on. After the funeral, I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by friends and family. In the weeks that followed some people could not do enough for you, others avoided you at all costs. It was those who avoided me that hurt the most. I stayed at my parents' house for a couple of months as I could not face going to what used to be our family home. Eventually I went home and had to sort out my husband's things. I kept the things that would best describe him to the children that would never know him. I then had to sort out all the legalities of loans etc. When the cause of death is suicide, some wanted to know why he did it. I guess that is when I would tell people he died in a car accident – not that I was ashamed but because people would not question it and seek answers that you could not give. I would try to hide my grief as best I could from my children and found the shower was a great place to break down and cry without upsetting my children. My children were my strength but I needed time out just to re-discover myself as a single person again. Two years after the tragedy I went on a world trip for 2 months without my children. I was criticised as a bad mother for leaving them but it did much for my bruised and battered soul and I returned a better parent and person. Looking back I would say that it took a good 5 years to be comfortable with myself and my situation. You never forget but you learn to live with it. Each year would bring milestones with the children that their father was missing. Although my children were too young at the time their father died, they have grieved at different times and in different ways. My son had some memories of his father and grieved at the time. My son continued to miss his father terribly until he was about 10 years old but then seemed to accept it and coped ok until he went through puberty. He went to spend a few weeks with his father's parents and it did him the world of good. My daughter had no memories of her father and seemed to cope ok until she was about 8 years old when she asked to see her father's grave. My daughter went through a grieving process when she was going through puberty. It saddened her that she had no memories of her father. I have always talked about their father to try to give them some memories. I did not tell them that their father had died by suicide until they were in their late teens as I felt that they would be better equipped to understand it then. They have never felt anger towards their father, just sadness and loss for both themselves and me. For me, I eventually found my independence and made new personal goals which I achieved on my own. I have been lucky enough to find love again and have remarried, living a very different life now. But you never forget it, you learn to live with it and life does become enjoyable again. Life becomes more about adding and less about subtracting. This is my ramblings about surviving suicide.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey. I'm back where you were in January. I have a one year old and a broken heart. I found my partner just over a week ago, he had taken his own life after an argument about mowing the lawn. It feels horrible to summise in such brutal terms. It helps hearing that people know how this feels even though I'd never wish it on anyone…it helps knowing others have survived the grief.
Stumbled across your blog and think its great that you write what you feel from your heart. Pain and suffering can blanket us for sometime but having two wonderful children must bring sunshine to your life and give you meaning to keep going day to day. All i can say is try hard to let the sun shine in and keep those dark clouds out. Time is on your side….much luv xxx
I feel your pain, stay strong and you'll get thru this.
I find it's my kids that keep me going.
Lori,
My name is HitNMiss, and I am a 47 year old male. I tried to kill myself twice, both about 3 years ago, but thanks to a security guard on a bridge and a chance passerby, I ams till here. I have two fantastic teenage kids and a wife who went through hell and I have to say I am glad to still be here. Your story echo'ed with me and made me cry. I wish you hadn't gone through all this, and I wish your husband hadn't put you through it. I also wish he'd had someone to listen to his pain, and sadly our spouses cannot. It just doesn't work that way, our spouses are too close, and see us too clearly to see our "darkness". Walk On!
I found your blog searching for SAHM's thinking the same as me…I was shocked to read your story. The strength you show by sharing your life is amazing. I join the others with a hug, thoughts and the hope that one moment of clarity will spread to a day, a month and eventually to good times again. Love to you and you little ones xx
I've only just come across your blog. It is so inspiring. You are such a strong person.
Hi Lori,
Another new comer to your blog – I came across it while writing an article for web media about the best blogs in Australia (yours won the Lifesrtle/Personal category in the Sydney Writer's Centre comp – congratulations!)
I have children the same age as yours – I am amazed that you have the energy and motivation to post, especially since you loast your husband.
What can a stranger say except that you appear to be an incredible human being. I hope life from here is kind to you. I think your children are blessed to ahve such a witty and obviously strong mother.
Take care and if you can, keep the great writing coming!
Your strength is inspiring, and your writing is gorgeous. Your kids are lucky to have you.
I'm just reading through your heartbreaking posts.
Your strength and honesty is inspirational, Lori. Keep speaking your truth x
i saw your link at sandra of http://www.absolutelynarcissism.com/
indeed, your blog is awesome. i just finished reading this section and it made me smile, and sad, and also cracked me up.
your new follower.(;
Lori, as of this writing, I am your newest follower. Your story struck me. Will link you up so that I could visit your site through mine whenever I want. Blessings to you and your kids. xo, Pearl
What an inspirational lady you are. Would love to meet you. Your husband would be so proud if he could see how you are getting your life back together slowly.
With love and best wishes to you and your children.
OMG – you must be awesome. To have gone through what you have, there are no other words. Well done you. Through tragedy, you find words. I'm glad I have found you. =)
I think you have written your story very well, Lori. x
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I only just stumbled across your blog today from a link on another blog I stumbled across and yet my heart is aching for you and your beautiful kids. I'm so glad you are still blogging. I haven't read your recent stuff yet but I look forward to when I get time.
I'd just written a long, meandering comment here, but Blogger threw a shit-attack and lost it. Probably a good thing, since I ramble too much. Anyway, Lori, I just wanted to say that, platitudinous as it sounds, your posts since your husband's death reflect are remarkable in their candour and courage, and have reduced me to tears. In reverse, the posts from Before have made me smile and laugh
I can't imagine your pain. Again, it's trite, but you and your children are very much in my thoughts, and I hope that somehow you'll find some peace sooner rather than later. I hope Tony is at peace too.
I'm really glad to have found your blog – but I'm so, so sorry for the circumstances that led me here. However, your strength and your message of speaking out if in mental distress are inspiring. Thank you for sharing all that you have.
Take care, and sending you very best wishes
Pandora xxx
So brave, as always, superstar Lori. Can imagine things like this which appear simple, would be heartbreakingly hard to do. I commend you, as always for you unbelievable determination and strength x
well done xxx
I know its inadequate, but I'm so sorry for your loss. You are one awesome human being, don't ever doubt it. No matter what anyone says, you are frickin awesome and deserve your life of happiness back. What happened was not your fault. A big NOT and anyone who says otherwise has issues that are their own, not yours. No one s perfect, you are allowed to make mistakes and still be awesome. Love your blog Lori. You are a talented writer. Major talent. And you love your kids and they love you. The negative people are NOT right to attack you. Hold on to yourself. You will find your way again, it just takes time. It will never be the same of course. The hurt will always be there, but you can find your way again. Sending you love. You do deserve love and support. xx
So many people take things in life for granted and after reading what you have recently been through I am not going to do that anymore.
Thank you for sharing your feelings here. Thank you for being honest and down to earth in your words.
I pray and hope in time your pain will ease and you will find some comfort and happiness once again.
i just got to your blog 10 mins ago & i type thru tears for you & your kidlets..when you send your thoughts out into the cyber void please know that they are powerful & important,& i for one am in your corner quietly pushing you forward step by step,day by day! thank you for sharing… j9mrox@hotmail.com
Lori,
I knew you as a teenager. You are my daughter's dear, dear friend. I knew then that you are a very special person. You have just gotten better. I wipe a tear from my eye as I type. That this should happen to you is wrong. So wrong. You will feel the sun on your face again.
There is a huge network of us out here loving you even if some of us have never had the luck to actually meet you. If you fall we will catch you. It is OK to cry because you will laugh again. If you let us help you then that will ease our pain.
Big motherly hug from Una
It's amazing the way messages can be impressed upon you.
Today, after a craptastic week, I logged on to her to catch up, to laugh and to feel a little bit better. She sent me here.
Your words are deep and profound and I am amazed that you can hold your head up and stand against the thoughts and emotions that I can tell are weighing you down. I find your strength and desire to persevere not only admirable but it's an inspiration as well.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but your voice and most importantly your message, the message to speak, it's being heard.
My heart is breaking thinking about the trauma you have gone through recently. I only hope that with your gorgeous kids and obviously supportive group of friends you have, that one day you can wake up and life is just that little more bareable! HUGS to you!
Oh my heart is broken for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Julieanne.
Also found my way here today via someone else's words. Of course, there are no words that are not too small, too trite, too hollow-sounding. So consider this me reaching through my computer screen, and taking both of your hands in both of mine, and simply breathing for a long moment. Like so many other strangers out here in the ether, I would embrace you if I could.
I watched my sister survive this very same situation that you are now facing. She was left with her 2 year old son after her fiance took his life. The pain you are in is shocking and real and I am so sorry that you too have to find a way to make it through each day. Please know that this one irrational act was just one uncontrolled moment and was never intended to cause you the pain you are in. Your children will be the reason you get up each day to face it all again, and one day although it seems like forever away, there will be more peace and less pain in your life. I am truly sorry for your loss.
I found this blog from a link on fb. I wish I had found it a lot sooner. Absolutely love it. So funny, so normal, so … great. As many have said before me, I'm a stranger (with an awesome name though) but I want to send my most deepest sympathies and lots and lots of healing energy to you at this, the most difficult time in anyone's life. I'm sure many tears have flowed from behind computer screens for you and your loss – mine will add to them.
Lots of love to you xxx
Hi, I found your blog thru a forum. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your little ones.
I know there isn't anything a stranger on the net could possibly say to make you feel better, but if it helps any, I'm terribly, horribly sorry for your loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your little ones.
-Dawn
This comment has been removed by the author.
Found your blog via another and I have no other words than…HUGS
Just talk ? Not so easy when no one around is listening, is it ? Hope you and your children will get over this. Just wait and see, the sun is still here, birds and seas too. They are just hidden behind cloud. Believe me it took me 10 years to find them back. But they are still there. Somewhere. Not sure I found enought words in your language to ease off your sorrow. Can't pray for you, but you are all in my thoughts, if this can help. Still there to listen if needed, above all when everybody else will be asleep…
ALAKO5 on tweeter
Sorry just doesnt cut it. But ive learned to hug my guy a lttle closer, appreciate the small things, and ask a lot of questions because of eveything youve been through. Youre helping me, and i hope, in that way, you also help yourself.
It fucking sucks. And will fucking suck for quite a while. Very few understand, but theres a helluva lot out there that care. count me as one of them and ive known you for all of three hours.
*hugs* if you ever need a stranger to talk to….
I found your blog through a Facebook page, who put up a link for your blog whilst your Man was on lifesupport. I really wish all of our prayers had created a miracle for you, I hope you can feel the love everyone is sending. Your blog has helped me to get help for my hubby – before it was too late. So thank you xxx
*hug*
Hi Lori, What a fucking nightmare. OMG, what words to say?. I've just followed a link from somebodys blog I read every now and then. I can't begin to know the heartache and pain you have-and I hope I never have to. I hope you can get through this.
You sound like an amazing person. Keep on taking one step at a time. I wish you strength. I really do.
It's so hard to know what to say. You don't know me, but I'm holding you and yours in my heart.
this, for me, is the calm for my brain when i just can't find it anywhere else. put on headphones, turn it all the way up. i wish you peace and a strong rudder to get you where you need to go. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgcoBKWTW14
I recently came upon your blog and I just wanted to let you know that I have been in a similar (although less heartwrenching) situation and I and sending you love and support. Seriously. I wish like hell that I could hug you.
There are no words to heal this horror for you, so I will just send a wave of love to you and your kids and maybe day by day the door that slammed on you will open just a little and you'll be able to feel some of the love shining on your skin and slowly it will reach deeper and maybe one day your heart will thaw and you will find peace. Blessings upon you all.
So sorry to hear of your loss from a blog I follow.I don't know you but I send you a big hug and say you just have to stay in there for the kids Lol Angela
You are feckin hilarious I love your blog!
Tania @ http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/
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