Despite loving him so much, some nights– like last night– I hate my husband.
I hate him for leaving me like this, leaving me to deal with this. Leaving me alone and cold and with two children to raise all by myself.
I hate him for leaving the way he did. I hate him for making it so violent, so traumatic, so fucking ugly. I hate him for leaving me with that picture in my mind.
I hate him for leaving me unable to be loved, to be held tight, by anyone else. I hate that the stigma follows me around, stains me with its oily blackness, wipes off onto everything I touch, everyone who comes near me.
I hate that its left me so broken, so traumatized, that I don’t even know when my reactions are ‘normal’ and when they’re not. I don’t remember what it was like to be a normal person.
I hate it, that every time I reach for happiness, something from the past seems to pull me away from it, claw at my clothes, wrap its cold bony fingers around my escape route.
I hate that no matter how much I try and break free, this follows me around, everywhere, a shadow of what life could have been, a stench that won’t let me go.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. And I hate that I love him so much, I love him like fire… and that means this still burns, and badly. Because if I really did hate him, it wouldn’t hurt at all.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh God, I get this, after 23 years I still get this. My husband didn’t commit suicide, well not really unless you count a blood alcohol reading of 186 and then getting on his motor bike and crashing and killing himself while I was at home with five kids, two of them babies. I get the anger, frustration, loneliness, despair and pain of telling your children that their father was not coming home. Even after therapy I still have a hole inside that won’t heal, so I continue on with life and pretend. Love your honesty and the raw emotion you put out there, something I can’t do, my generation was programed to get on with it.
Thanks so much Wendy. Welcome to RRSAHM xxxxxxx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Countdown To Borneo: 13 Days
Aww crap, you made me cry, AGAIN.
Is it wrong of me to say that I love this post? I love that you can articulate both feelings. I love that you can own them both, simultaneously. You love him, of course. But for now you have every reason to be angry with him, to want to kick his ass for doing this, and then hold on to him forever.
But I can only imagine the conflict and the whiplash you must feel at times.
Thinking of you Lori. xxxx
I wish I could bring you a casserole, chocolate and a hug xx
Hon – I felt the same this morning … but for me it's the hating of this life transferred onto my husband…. and Greg's death was completely out of his control so I have no right to hate him, even though I love him so very much, but I hate that he left and I have to stay. I swear at him for getting the easy side of "til death do us part" while I have to live through this half-life. XXXX
Beautiful Lori. Thinking of you xx
*HUGS*
♥
Just wanted to send hugs xxx
Impossible to imagine. Sending love. xx
Impossible to imagine. Sending love. xx
Hugs Lori. I cannot fathom what this is like for you. xx
Oh god. This is SUCH a great post, Lori. That seems weird to say… but I truly mean it. This is a special, spectacular one. There's fire and passion in this one, there's fight. Keep working through it, you good thing xxx
Keeping you in my thoughts today. There's nothing else I feel I can say. Lots of love to you today.
I hate that you have to feel this way Lori, it is just not fair. You have every right though to feel each of these emotions xx
Beautiful post, beautiful picture. Lots of love for you and the kids.
XXX Wendy
One of the many, wishing I could just hold you.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
No words, only love. xo
xxx
I am thinking of you. Hugs x
xx
That is one of my fave poems of all time. <3
xoxoxoxo
{HUGS} xxx
We all are hear for you Lori
Hate & Love…the 2 most powerful emotions in the world, I reckon!
Massive hugs to you Lori. I know right now a virtual hug from a stranger will not help in anyway…but it's what I can give you right now & let you know that you're amazing and strong and beautiful.
x
I am thinking of you- I usually just read, but wanted to tell you that I am thinking about you. I am a big believer in the balance- with great love, there is also feelings like yours. . .it is not wrong, in my opinion, to feel this way, it is just how it is with us humans. . .
Michele
Its good to unleash Lori.We are all here for you and we understand your need to get it out.
Big warm hugs sweetheart xxx
Yea, and it's not bloody fair!! Even now, after 27 years, I still hate that I can't stop loving him. That even though he promised to never, ever let me go, he let go! But it no longer hurts, now I'm just so glad he was in my life to help make me who I am.
Big hugs for you all
Hugs.
It's good to love. It means you are human. And love hurts. Wasn't that in a def leopard song?
Xxx rah rah in melbs
xxx