2011

‘Hem… *ahem*, *ahem*, *ahem*. A fractured fairytale. Definitely not for children.

Once upon a time, there was a young wench named Lori.

One Saturday morning, Lori and her devoted, loving betrothed, the Man, awoke at the peaceful hour of 8am, to find their children still sleeping.

In the land of the Purple House, this was indeed a unique and exciting occurrence.

“I doth think we should partake in a bit of nookie” intones the Man.

Lori retires to the powder room to grapple with her troublesome contraceptive, the Holy and Glorious Diaphragm. This Diaphragm has been the source of many a happy adventure. It lives in small, white plastic case in the bathroom drawer.

Whatever-oust. Nookie was had, and all was well in the land of the Purple House.

That is, until approximately two hours later, when the land of the Purple House was hit by the dreaded Gastro Monster. Lori and the Man realized, too late, that it was under the Gastro Monster’s spell the children had slept so peacefully.

Three days and three nights passed. The children, Lori and the Man had recovered well and continued about their daily business raising cows and harvesting crops on Farmville. On the nigh of the third day, The Man turned to Lori and said

“Does thou fancy a bit of nookie?”

“Indeed, my Lord, with your pork sword“, replies Lori.

And she skips up to turret stairs to grapple with her friend the Diaphragm.

Lori creeps down the hall, past one, two sleeping children. Tiptoes into the bathroom, and by the light of the lamp in the hallway, cracks open the drawer….

…. but when she got there, the diaphragm case, it was bare!!

Oh fuck.

Lori sent frantic message via carrier pigeon to her fairy godmother, the health line nurse, who attempted not to giggle whilst she reassured our heroine all was well, and to see the local surgeon and drink a brew of newt’s eyes and mugwort if signs of tepid infection became apparent.

Lori, fraught, came close to throwing the Holy and Glorious Diaphragm in the pig slop receptacle. Then, she remembered the tragic days of yonder Pill, when she wanted to stab her husband and run over random strangers with her car. And she decided to hang onto her hallowed contraceptive.

But she never forgot to remove her diaphragm ever, ever again.

*This asterisk doesn’t refer to anything in particular, this whole post needs a freaking asterisk. In my defense, diaphragms are supposed to be left in for six hours after… nookie…. and I normally just leave the plastic case out so I don’t forgot about it and an incident like this does not occur. But somewhere in my vomit and fever, I must have put the case away. Personally, I think it’s just a miracle I didn’t turn the Man’s second request for nookie down the way I usually do. Or things could have gotten really…. uncomfortable.

{ 11 comments }

Many moons ago, I guest posted at The Mother Media. I love this post- loved it then, loved it now. It goes a long way toward explaining this social media addiction of mine. I believe my shrink would call that ‘self serving justification’. Undeniably true… but this post holds a lot of truth in it, too.

When I reveal to people in my Real Life that I write a blog, there are two very common questions I’m asked. The first is “What’s a blog?”. After I finish explaining that and assure them that I am not, in fact, a geek, I usually get asked,

“Who reads this stuff, anyway?”

And the answer to that question is slightly more complex.

In short, the demographic of readers for most ‘mummy blogs’ is other mums, other dads, other women and men; at home or at work; with kids or without. The demographic for my blog is, specifically, other women, other mums, at home, with kids.

Most ‘mummy bloggers’ will confess that, at one point or another, their husband has told them to “Get off that damn computer!”. Things have changed. Where my mum, at home, 20 years ago, would have watched a midday movie and chatted on the phone to a friend, trailing 20 feet of phone cable behind her so she could house-work while she chatted; in the year 2010 mums log onto FaceBook, Twitter, forums and blogs while our children are sleeping or playing outside. Loneliness is less of a problem for stay at homes mums in this technological age. We have the blessed advantage of being able to go online and log on to a social life when we can’t leave the house.

It’s an accepted sociological fact that women are communal creatures. Surely, you’ve wondered why women go to the bathroom in pairs…? That’s just how our brains are wired. We like to chat, to gossip, to form friendships, networks and social circles. While we all know this can lead to catty in-fighting by immature people, for the most part, the communal, sharing women of nature brings us strength and solidarity. It’s in the nature of women to share and swap stories, ideas and experiences.

And all of this becomes even more important once we have kids.

A hundred years ago, human beings in the western world were intensely tribal creatures, much more than what we are now. The 21st century has seen most women go back to work, and families move vast distances from one another. While again, this has it advantages (especially the families-at-vast-distances bit), it also means that women are often lacking the family network that once existed. There are no grandmothers at home to help pick up the slack of a mum with a newborn. There isn’t a neighbor next door with small children, who you can laugh with, who’ll reassure you the worst will soon pass.

In this day and age, mums get all that online.

We turn to FaceBook and Twitter to share casual conversations and day to day events with those in the same situation as us. We log on to parenting forums for advice on breastfeeding, discipline and sleeping problems.

We use our blogs to vent our frustrations, to celebrate our triumphs, to engage our adult selves in a place more creative than our lounge rooms. We read the blogs of others to feel enlightened, to gain perspective, to learn, to share and to grow.

These blogs, these online social networks that we form, they serve as our community of like-minded women, as our social circle of writers, mentors and other mothers. The traditional model of women in society has changed, and we are grasping for something to steady ourselves.

The Internet becomes our community. It’s real, it’s powerful. And the bonds we form here can be as strong as those formed In Real Life.

Who reads this stuff, anyway? Other women, other men, other mother, other dads. Other bored, frazzled parents, who are reaching out for something more.

{ 9 comments }