December has passed so quickly, been so busy… it’s had new life and Christmas trees and the weather here in TinyTrainTown still feels oddly like winter, not at all like last year… or maybe it is like last year, the heat didn’t break properly last summer until the beginning of January. All that heat, all that pain… it felt like hell, and the few hot days we’ve had leave me pawing frantically against sensory memories, a disturbing feeling that something is wrong, even when it’s not.
But December, so far… December has been OK.
I feel like I’m in the eye of a storm. A big one. The eerie, quiet centre of a cyclone, with a strange bursting air pressure filling my ears. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but do you blame me…? It feels as if there will be two weeks of penance, two weeks of relived torture. And they begin on January the first.
So… forgive me if I starve you all of new blog posts for the week between Christmas and New Years. It’s not all bad news- the 26th till the 30th of December is Retro RRSAHM Week. I’ll be reblogging some of my favorite posts from Before which you may not have stumbled across yet. I promise you, if nothing else, I will keep you supplied with light jellybean style entertainment while you lounge off the Christmas and Boxing Day overindulges (and the earlier-than-even-close-to-reasonable wake ups endured by the parents of small children).
I’ll be back January second. It might not be fun here, those first few week of January. But stick with me, hey? Not only are things getting sunnier, but I got a brand new blog design to add to the surreality of it being almost a whole since Before.
Almost a year. A year. If I’ve done a year… this will not be the thing that breaks me. Not this lifetime.
Oh, and don’t go anywhere just get… I have a story coming for you tomorrow, that we’ll call a Christmas carol. I promise you, you’ll like it.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Try and have a rest *hugs*
You're just incredible Lori. <3 <3
I've only been following your blog for a couple of months since you were profiled in the Offspring Mag, now I'm addicted!
My 'girlfriend' committed suicide just over 2 years ago, we were only casual and had no kids etc, but god-damn it was hard and I took a hard slog, ending up in hospital myself a few times.
I now have a 1 year old daughter and get that you have had to get on with things for them.. (the only thing I can compare it to is when i've been horribly sick with the flu & had to 'suck it up' even though I feel like death to look after bub)
When I read about your medium experience I think I cried for 2 days..I am 'atheist' but for the past 2 years have been desperately searching for something..& sometimes.. sometimes I think maybe she's here.. but then I struggle with those thoughts because I don't believe in that!
I also struggle with *wishing so much* that she was back here.. that I could bring her back.. but then I think how selfish I am, because this world was just not enough (Or too much?) and she chose to exit, so who am I to bring her back (if it were possible)
The first year is ABSOLUTELY the hardest.. there's so many 'firsts'… first birthday without them, first anniversary, christmas, winter…'
It starts hurting a little bit less after the first year… just a little.
Much love to you, Chop & Bump. I hope the new year brings you all nothing but happiness & love!! xx
I hate that impending sense of doom. I get it around October most years (not for nearly the same reason as you though).
I hope you take the time you need to get through the next few weeks. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
I'm all for time off, we all need it from time to time no matter what we've been through. I've been reading here less than a year, and though I've read through some of your archives I haven't read NEAR everything, so I'll look forward to the posts that will be new to me I'm sure. Just remember that as you go through the anniversary of everything going wonky we're here for you however you need it. If you need to rant or cry or just hide, we're here for you.
Merry Christmas to you, Bump, and Chop. I hope there is joy and laughter. We'll be right here waiting for you when you come back. And we'll stick with you during this first anniversary. Lots, lots, lots of love you brave little mama, you. Hold on. Ride it out.
Hey Lori, we'll be here – right beside you xx
xmas l. x
It's been amazing to see you move from strength to strength, Lori. What a ride it's been. Wishing you all the very best for you and your gorgeous family this Christmas x
Sending you love and light. You will make it to the other side. You've come through so much worse, and look at you. You're doing great. x
Taking time to be kind to yourself and to love your babies sounds like the best way through Lori.
Sending you much love x
Have a good bloggy break. Your pretzel m&m;'s are on their way.
I remember my first Christmas "After"…it was only 38 days later. It was AWFUL, but my children were my saviors. They kept me stable enough to get through, they kept me remembering there was a future, they kept me remembering there were plenty of opportunities for grand times after all we had been through.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, leaning on friends and family and even complete strangers half way around the world is not showing weakness in the least. It actually shows strength that you need to do what you need to do for you and your children. May your Christmas be wonderful, find anything positive you can this holiday season and hold onto it, it will grow and grow and help you more then you can believe.
Thinking of you always…. And will be with you in spirit & loving care at all the bumps, the turns and the different ways the journey towards Jan & beyond takes you… Much love D xxxxx
Who's going anywhere?
I haven't left yet, and I don't plan to!
Remember to reach out if you need it. We're here and want to help.
Who's going anywhere?
I haven't left yet, and I don't plan to!
Remember to reach out if you need it. We're here and want to help.
Oooh… Retro RRSAHM? I've been around here almost since the very beginning, so i'm looking forward to this!
Just take care and do what ever has to be done. XO
Have been thinking of you a lot at this time of year. Please be gentle with yourself
Yes, you've done a year. You are strong even when you think you are not xx
This will not be the thing that breaks you, and if this doesn't, nothing will.
I so admire your courage, your love, both for your children and for Tony, it would be too easy to hate. I admire your strength. On your worst days you still make it to the next. I admire your honesty. I have read you for a year and I have nothing that can make you feel better or stronger or healed or anything else that I could wish you, but I do hold you in my heart and hope that that, in some small measure, adds to all your other friends who hold you in their hearts. We hold you and hope. I hope that you have a happy and hopeful Christmas and new year. And I send you love.
You have such amazing courage. I can sense that "eye of the storm" feeling in your writing.
Whatever comes your way over the next few weeks, know that you have hundreds of people right here standing beside you.
Have a beautiful Christmas lovely. I will be here every step of the way. I have been thinking about you and the first two weeks of January. But as you say, it has nearly been a year, and here you are. This will not be the thing that breaks you. You are truly amazing. Wishing you lots of love and happiness for Christmas with the kids and the new kitty.
Merry Christmas, petal. Xxx
Hey. xxxxxx
I get what you're saying about hot days — for me it's rain in July.
It's just all wrong that you're having to do this, Lori.
We're all watching you walk forward into it, and there's not a damn thing we can do but wait for you to come out the other side.
But you WILL make it.
xxx