After 100 excruiatingly, extremley longhours of heartbreak, uncertainity and unthinkable, unfathomable, unimaginable pain- for us, and also, I’m sure, for him, it’s over.
My Tony is gone.
This is the most painful thing I’ve ever done. My worst nightmarehas come true. I have two very small, very resiliant,but so, so tiny children who’s daddy was the light of their life. I am burying my husband, probably on Friday.
I am not yet thirty. My husband turned thrity four the day before this alll began.
I miss him, already. But we said what we had to, and I know that he was at peace, as much as possible, with what happened. He knew. That I loved him. That he was my best mate. That he was the most perfect husband, the best dad. My soul mate.
The pain is everything right now. I just need to ride. It’s awfully like childbirth, but so prolonged. The next pain is coming. This hurts like fuck. This pain will be over soon. But fucking brace for another one, Lori. Ride the waves. Hang on. Your worst fucking nightmare has just come true, and you’re living it right now.
I don’t know why I’m writing. I imagine it will strike some people as just the strangest thing- as if any of this is normal, in any way. But Ihave to write. For no other reason that it comforts me. I know Tony won’t read it- he very rarely read my blog, because he knew it was an important space for me. But he’s right here with me, encouraging me and telling me to write. Because he was so proud of me.
So.. I’m spent. Here’s the important bit. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. WIthj erveryhting I have. YOu have no idea how much this continued support means to me. I can’t even begin describe… this is my community. You have pulled behind me in a way I never expected. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. ANd bless you, every single person who posted anyhting, anywhere. It all helps. It still helps. When I’m unbearably lonely, when my chest might burst, this is where I come. And I cry, but it’s so good. I can’t describe.. balm for a wound, just to take the edge off the excruiating pain.
ANd I’m out. After running for 100 hours, I am preparing to crash and burn tonight. It’s all over. The absolute worst of it has passed. The rest will still be a living nightmare.
But I am strong. As I told my husband, time and time over the last few days, I am strong. I don’t know how the fuck I am doing this, but I am. One foot in front of the other. I can do this. I have to do.
Bring it on guys. No miracles this time. Just leave me love, to catch me when I fall.