by Lori Dwyer on June 25, 2011 · 20 comments

I’m in a state of limbo that is both irriatiting and disconcerting.

Moved on, as much as I can. Feeling unable and unwilling to go any further, for now.

Unable to make plans for our future, while financially things are still very much a mess of untied ends, waiting for bureaucracy to catch up with the tangles.

Still very much in love with a dead man. And unable to properly love anyone else.

Living, surviving, existing, day to day. Forcing myself to extend gratitude to the shattered pieces of my soul, to appreciate the little things.

I have things that make me happy, activities I enjoy. But happiness is no longer a general state of being for me.

I think, right now, I’d call it numb.

Ask me what would make me happy right now… I couldn’t tell you. Nothing realistic comes to mind.

And I’m watching, from a distance, a tectonic shift in my personality. My nuances, superficial likes and dislikes.. they all feel the same, when i poke them, their texture has the same give and suppleness they always did.

It’s the more fundamental concerns that are realigning.




Grieving, mourning… they are, by their nature, solitary activities.

A cocoon can be a suffocating, isolating, peaceful place to rest. Being quiet and turning in on myself… neccessary. Frustrating. But real.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Rin June 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I too have no words, but I am still here every day, checking in on you, sending love xxx


Crystal Cheverie June 27, 2011 at 7:37 am

HUG! You will get further – when YOU are ready.

Much love to you as always.


Melissa June 26, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I wish there was something I could do or say to make this time easier for you, but I think you're right – grief is a solo journey. We're all here for you, as you linger in limbo for a little while.


Cate June 26, 2011 at 8:34 pm

I also agree with Miss Pink. I have no words, but am listening and praying for you. You really are an incredible woman.


MJ June 26, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Agree with Miss Pink. Sometimes things are just beyond words- I don't have any words…I give you silence- but its a silence full of love for you- hope it reaches you.x


Miss Pink June 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I have been quiet lately. I am reading, always, sitting here, taking it all in. But at the same time, my words? They feel so small and insignificant. Really what help are small insignificant words? You need, and deserve so much more than that. I worry that something I may say with good intentions could be taken wrong. Could come out wrong. The last thing I want is to cause you more hurt or upset. Yet I am completely aware that you cannot see me listening, you cannot feel my support and love, and so I need to try to say something to let you know my thoughts are always still with you.

Just remember there is no "correct" way to grieve. What you're doing? It's fine. It's not like when someone you love dies someone comes and hands you a checklist with what you need to do, things you need to take care of, and how you take care of them.
Just know that there are many around you who love you and are here if you need it. You just need to speak up first.


KellyMellyBoBellyBananaFanna June 26, 2011 at 11:56 am



Naomi June 26, 2011 at 8:52 am

Nothing to add, just letting you know I'm here. x


Jean June 26, 2011 at 6:07 am

Beautiful words. You are where you need to be. XXX


Watercolor June 26, 2011 at 5:32 am

Hugs sweetie! Look, the man I loved cheated on me and left and it took me 2 years to find happy again. I'd imagine your happy will find you again in due time, but it will take time. That's both the good news and the bad news. Hugs! You remain in my prayers.


Lynda Halliger-Otvos June 26, 2011 at 5:08 am

Hear Mum Roar’s profound words struck as true and for me, unthought of as I travel this grief highway.. Losing two sibs in under three years has rocked me to the core. Realizing that I HAVE to set it down and regroup once in a while shed new light on the dark dark passage. Excellent metaphor for journeying this path.


Tone-in-Oz June 26, 2011 at 1:57 am

Yeah, numbness leaves a logical thinking space[not time] but/and/but/and you have other things you can do without that feeling interfering too. I think. Have Short Showers- you cannot read a book in That Space like in the dunny!


Mrs Woog June 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

Love you Lori. But you knew that xx


the-mfp June 25, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Thinking of you…


Hear Mum Roar June 25, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I think it's just like having to walk a long distance carrying all these heavy bags and they're cutting your hands up, breaking your back…

You've got to stop walking now and then, put the bags down and rest.

Just remember you're carrying a lot. You're going to have to stop and start a lot before you get where you want to go.


wishihadakarmaanghia June 25, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Wise words from Maxabella – "The future is now" is a good mantra all round. Healing will take much longer but life carries on. Sounds like you're doing all that you can, Lori xxx


Maxabella June 25, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Limbo. Not such a bad thing. Neither backwards nor forwards. Just a state of being. Relax into that for a while. The future is now. x


Zoe Paige June 25, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Don't push yourself. Live through this at your own pace.



Kimmie June 25, 2011 at 10:31 pm

As eloquent as ever Lori



Nicole June 25, 2011 at 11:18 pm

No words, just love & support.


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