Lori Misplaces Something Very Important (and it’s not her passport or her virginity)

by Lori Dwyer on July 2, 2010 · 22 comments

This one’s not a guest post, it’s all mine. Although quite frankly, I should probably pretend it happened to someone else. So scrap that last sentence. An anonymous guest post!!!

Once upon a time, there was a young wench named Lori.

One Saturday morning, Lori and her devoted, loving betrothed, the Man, awoke at the peaceful hour of 8am, to find their children still sleeping.

In the land of the Purple House, this was indeed a unique and exciting occurrence.

“I doth think we should partake in a bit of nookie” intones the Man.

Lori retires to the powder room to grapple with her troublesome contraceptive, the Holy and Glorious Diaphragm. This Diaphragm has been the source of many a happy adventure. It lives in small, white plastic case in the bathroom drawer.

Whatever-oust. Nookie was had, and all was well in the land of the Purple House.

That is, until approximately two hours later, when the land of the Purple House was hit by the dreaded Gastro Monster. Lori and the Man realized, too late, that it was under the Gastro Monster’s spell the children had slept so peacefully.

Three days and three nights passed. The children, Lori and the Man had recovered well and continued about their daily business raising cows and harvesting crops on Farmville. On the nigh of the third day, The Man turned to Lori and said

“Does thou fancy a bit of nookie?”

“Indeed, my Lord, with your pork sword“, replies Lori.

And she skips up to turret stairs to grapple with her friend the Diaphragm.

Lori creeps down the hall, past one, two sleeping children. Tiptoes into the bathroom, and by the light of the lamp in the hallway, cracks open the drawer….

…. but when she got there, the diaphragm case, it was bare!!

Oh fuck.

Lori sent frantic message via carrier pigeon to her fairy godmother, the health line nurse, who attempted not to giggle whilst she reassured our heroine all was well, and to see the local surgeon and drink a brew of newt’s eyes and mugwort if signs of tepid infection became apparent.

Lori, fraught, came close to throwing the Holy and Glorious Diaphragm in the pig slop receptacle. Then, she remembered the tragic days of yonder Pill, when she wanted to stab her husband and run over random strangers with her car. And she decided to hang onto her hallowed contraceptive.

But she never forgot to remove her diaphragm ever, ever again.

*This asterisk doesn’t refer to anything in particular, this whole post needs a freaking asterisk. In my defense, diaphragms are supposed to be left in for six hours after… nookie…. and I normally just leave the plastic case out so I don’t forgot about it and an incident like this does not occur. But somewhere in my vomit and fever, I must have put the case away. Personally, I think it’s just a miracle I didn’t turn the Man’s second request for nookie down the way I usually do. Or things could have gotten really…. uncomfortable.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

lori July 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Oh man that's funny! "pork sword!" Heh heh. You crack me up.


reality raver July 4, 2010 at 11:29 pm

Hilarious, agree with The NDM about even thinking about sex after a gastro outbreak.


Katie July 4, 2010 at 6:38 am

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus that was beautiful!


The NDM July 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm

You had sex twice in a week that also contained a Gastro Outbreak?

Impressed. Very impressed.


Thea July 3, 2010 at 9:33 am

Hahaha, that is the funniest damn fairy tale I have ever read! :)


marketingtomilk July 3, 2010 at 2:39 am

Oh lori lori how i doth loveth your script.
This story is funny of course, but i just adore the way you have written it. i think you are a very clever lady indeed, and fast becometh my favourite blogger.



Our Park Life July 2, 2010 at 11:49 pm

New to your blog via FYB Friday…

Loved your story…I needed a laugh today so thanking you for that…But Good God, the diaphragm has always been a bit of a mystery to me and after reading this, I think it will be staying that way!
Happy FYBF!


Kimberly July 2, 2010 at 11:06 pm

Lori, I think I love you! Hahahah so funny.


Jodie at Mummy Mayhem July 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm


Ah, you're funny.


Maxabella July 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Too funny (but not funny, ya know!) I trust all is well on the anon farm and that our heroine is expecting nothing more than happy days ahead.


Brenda July 2, 2010 at 2:50 pm

That has got to be the funniest sex story I've heard in quite awhile. And that's saying something.

PS. your fecking feed is still delayed. Ugh! I just received this a few minutes ago.


Wanderlust July 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Best fairytale ever!!


Alex July 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Ewww. Took me a while to get the gist of it all…. which is probably why I never used that type of contraception ie. lazy.

And I have 4 kids so hmmm….


Veronica July 2, 2010 at 10:05 am

I had an incident with a diaphragm that ended up with my diaphragm shooting out of my hands and flying across the bathroom to land, *thwap* on the floor. I conceived Amy shortly afterwards. I wonder why.


Coma Girl July 2, 2010 at 9:55 am

That was hysterical!

I think from now on, I am going to make my husband say "I doth think we should partake in a bit of nookie".


Teacher Mommy July 2, 2010 at 9:35 am


*wipes tears from eyes*

I don't know how you do it. I don't think I could possibly handle (*snort*) that sort of contraceptive.

I'm glad all is well.


Lucy July 2, 2010 at 9:03 am

Oh shudder shudder shudder. Although it makes for a good yarn…xx


thepixiechick July 2, 2010 at 8:54 am

ROFL…… I can relate!


Holly Homemaker July 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm

It is for that reason that diaphragms scare the beejezus out of moi!


Noel July 2, 2010 at 12:36 pm

My eighth child will be born in September (see http://dadjokes.com.au/2010/06/19/the-hardest-question/)

What's a diaphragm? ;-)


ezymay July 2, 2010 at 9:12 am

hee hee too funny!!


MMBB July 2, 2010 at 9:06 am

hahah lesson learnt


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