I think the only bonus to being prone to depression is that you can recognise it quickly when it happens. Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. Or to your partner. Or to the people who love you, a thousand kilometres away.
I woke up yesterday morning crying. It’s not just a matter of being tired, of waking up to my daughter six or seven times every night. It’s not just being sick, having gastro, and the sinus infections seep into our house like small, unwanted vermin. It’s not just this Melbourne weather, being cold all the time, and never knowing when it will rain. It’s not just being broke and worried about money. It’s not just missing my mum, missing my friends. It’s not just feeling as though I’m never on top of things, like I’m always behind and disorganised.
It’s all of that… and none of it. It’s this black dog that nips at my heels, that eats happiness as though it’s scraps of food thrown out too early.
I have this whole new life, and it’s supposed to be okay. It’s supposed to be easy.
It’s not easy, and I’m not coping. And I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate myself for hating myself, and then I hate myself some more. The meds reach the outer boundary of their effectiveness- they make it so I’m able to feel nothing at all. But not so much that they can conjure up happiness, not so much that they can shed light on this kind of darkness.
I give up on cleaning the house, give up on showering, stop walking the kids to school and choose the easier option of driving them instead. I cant write. I haven’t been laughing at anything much. My sex drive is non-existent. I don’t bother putting on make up, or wearing anything other than jeans and black t-shirts. I have strange dreams. I wander round in a foggy half state, not thinking about anything much– my consciousness is stuck in past tense, events from years ago swirling through my brain with such thickness nothing new gets through. I am a ghost of myself, haunting my New House that doesn’t really feel like mine at all.
I don’t look forward to anything much, right now. Looking forward to things would mean I’d have to feel something, and I’m not sure I’m capable of feeling anything right now.
I have a doctor’s appointment today. They can’t up my medication any higher than what it currently is… but I’m telling myself that, surely, a good shrink is going to help.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
It will get better.
In the meantime…shower even if you don’t want to…get some exercise even if you don’t want to…maybe look into getting a lamp to help with the sunshine issues.
I know that I will have a hundred people screaming about how unhealthy this is…but when it’s been more than a week with no sunshine…I go to a tanning bed. I don’t go to tan…but I FEEL better afterwards
Marianne recently posted…Phil
Oh Lori , I’m sorry to hear this … Come up to Sydney , Me and Mrs Woog could take you out and make you laugh !? Hopefully things will get better , all the best for today , incredibly written by the way , as always x
Comment
Is there anything I can do? I don’t know what or how unless you tell me. Ring me if you need to talk and I am not scary as you once said.
Aww Lori, :0(
You’ll be fine, better you’ll be great – it just your resilience has taken a bit of a hiding.
Dr Mac prescribes you immediately rent these films: ‘Intolerable Cruelty’ (watch this first as a mood lifter) then “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”, sit down with your favourite chocolate biscuits and take the day off. (Paint your toenails if you don’t want to feel totally unproductive.)
“Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end.”
(Sonny; The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel)
Suzy Mac recently posted…Achy breaky heart
I hope the doctor can give you all the support you need.
Take Shape Fitness recently posted…O2Fit Clothing – Giveaway
I’ve been in the hole lately too. My doctor changed my meds entirely and it seems to be helping. I just couldn’t cope and i was stuck in my head. Everything turned to tears. I’m so sorry you are here too. Please feel free to reach out if you ever feel like you can. Xoxo
You need sleep, exercise, some counselling support. Can your mum visit for a few days to give you some sleep?
I really hope you feel better soon. Some people say having insight is a blessing, but all it really is is knowing what and how and why, it doesn’t stop or change anything. That being said, I’m glad you know what the go is and are taking steps to help yourself. I hear this is what grown-up types do (being not very grown up, this is mere speculation on my part
)
Sending you sunbeams and other bright, happytime stuff.
Whoa, Molly recently posted…Big Things and Little Things
Thank you for the transparency. We are not alone in this!
Girl in the Corner recently posted…Decided to stay…
Best wishes from Alaska. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Lori, I don’t suffer depression but I have to say this wintery Melbourne weather has me in a real funk at present. It’s amazing how I really feel so much more positive in the moments where the sun has fought its way through.
Hopefully with some nicer days on the way and with the help of a good doctor you’ll be feeling more able to face the world.
Don’t underestimate what sleep deprivation can do to your mental and physical well being. My partner’s psych is very big in reinforcing how you can cope with life so much more easily when you are well rested and sleeping well. Hopefully the Bump is sleeping through soon.
Be kind to yourself.
Hiello Lori,
Depression. It’s aptly named hey! Maybe dilibertating would better suit some days. I am going through a patch now too. Probably if I am telling the truth it’s 6 weeks since I heard it whisper that it was coming and like an unwanted guest you know is due to arrive I didn’t want to deal with until it got here. That was a couple of weeks ago now and I am once again in its grip. I suffered through this for many years without knowing why I felt this way. My family have been no help they don’t acknowledge the label they tell me they don’t know why I try to be happier. For years I thought I just needed to try harder. I could win lotto tomorrow and these feelings would still exist, don’t get me wrong I put myself through uni, work in a very demanding job, built a strong career all the time experiencing the black cloud at times some predictable some out of the blue. Your blog is honest and real I read it often comment almost never but you make me feel normal cause many more people suffer depression then admit to it and I too will make an appointment with my doctor. Thank you. N
Love you.
You have my number if you ever need to talk. Any time, about any thing.
It’s ok to have these moments. Just make sure they’re moments and not weeks that stretch into months.
Miss Pink recently posted…What does Magique, Million and SuperLiner all have in common?
Hiello Lori,
Depression. It’s aptly named hey! Maybe dilibertating would better suit some days. I am going through a patch now too. Probably if I am telling the truth it’s 6 weeks since I heard it whisper that it was coming and like an unwanted guest you know is due to arrive I didn’t want to deal with until it got here. That was a couple of weeks ago now and I am once again in its grip. I suffered through this for many years without knowing why I felt this way. My family have been no help they don’t acknowledge the label they tell me they don’t know I try to be happier. For years I thought I just needed to try harder. I could win lotto tomorrow and these feelings would still exist, don’t get me wrong I put myself through uni, work in a very demanding job, built a strong career all the time experiencing the black cloud at times some predictable some out of the blue. Your blog is honest and real I read it often comment almost never but you make me feel normal cause many more people suffer depression then admit to it and I too will make an appointment with my doctor. Thank you. N
Aww Lori,
I’m sorry that you are experiencing a visit from your black dog again.
Hugs.
Just keep hanging in there, you will get through this because you are a strong amazing woman! The only place to go from here is up! It could just be the post moving blues heightening your depression, which is totally understandable and acceptable. Went through this myself about six weeks after my move away from everyone and everything I knew.
I’m so sorry Lori that your’re going through this. It must feel awful and disheartening after all the energy & effort you have put into the move to another city. Feeling nothing much would make me frightened. I hope you can be kind to yourself to ease the anger you feel at yourself. I know when I’m struggling mentally, turning my anger inward ups the feel shitty factor by 10 to the power of 10 and gets in the way of working through whatever it is that’s bugging me.
Getting some support, professional or otherwise is right on the money. I can recommend a professional who works on a micro level with feelings in Melbourne. I like this approach better than cognitive therapy. I can email their details if you like. You’re doing the right things Lori – even if you think you’re not