I’m called, now, a survivor of suicide.
I’m not really sure how that sits with me… I’m not the survivor, if you know what I mean. I’m not the one who tried to die. If Tony had lived, he would be a suicide survivor.
But he didn’t. And no one wins here.
Although I am surviving, no doubt about that.
So.. I don’t know.
Whatever.
Anyway, they say that survivors of suicide-like me- one thing we report, one thing we have in common, is a feeling of constant exhaustion.
Part of it, it’s just wanting to sleep. Because sleep is so black, so dark and warm; and it’s a place where you get twisted up in dreams and memories, and the lines between what was and what is can blur.
But it’s not all about sleep. Part of it is just over exposure, your mind running itself on the same circuits over and over until it begins to burn, that sulphury, hot melting smell.
Because, you see, most things- everything- it reminds you of the person who has passed. And as soon as that memory hits, it starts the circuit….
Why…?
Why…?
Why….?
And every unanswered ‘Why?’ falls on your soul, over and over like a heartbeat. Your mind stretches and turns- every word they ever said, every thing you did in those last few weeks. And all you come up with is more questions, more “why?”s, all of them without an answer.
It’s exhausting. Thinking so hard, all the time, without any satisfaction.
It’s no wonder I am so damn tired.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear, dear Lori, I came across your blog on Friday. And since then, have read everything on here…from 2009 to today. And I know this may not sound like much, coming from a random girl in Illinois…but I can't stop thinking about you. I'm thinking about your grief, I'm thinking about your confusion, I'm thinking about your strength, and I'm thinking about your courage. You are amazing and you've left a deep impression on me. There have been so many times when I've thought about giving up. Times when I've felt that its all gotten either too f*cked or to hard and I just don't want to do it anymore. I think that sometimes we don't think of what we leave behind or the grief that follows. We just think how much easier it would be for us to be out of our own minds for awhile and we think that everyone else won't be disappointed in us or bothered by us anymore. As unbelievable as it may seem, I feel like I can identify with both you and Tony. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Please know that across the world, I'm thinking about you and the children. I'm wishing you well andI'm hoping that things get brighter.
No it isn't. I always think, accepting that there is no answer to the "why" is so unimaginably hard.
M2Mx
As always Lori I'm humbled when I come here. You are amazingly strong, and I pray and pray that you will find a few moments of peace in each day.
No that's just wrong. You're a survivor, that's for sure. But a survivor of life, not of suicide. That's if I had to put a label on it. Which I don't like to.
You're just being you, being as strong as you can, and getting through this one day at a time.
I just admire you so much. I know there are times when you fall apart, and times when you want to sleep … but you are hanging in there.
I wish I could make everything better, but I can't. All I can do is send you my most positive vibes and give you a bloody big hug next time I see you. xo
It just sounds like torture:( I'm sitting here trying to find a way to say I hope things get better, way better, without it sounding like an, 'oh well, hope it gets better' cop out. But really, that's all I wish for you; is for things to get better, much, much better.
Ah Lori, I agree with MIA. You are a survivor of life. Only those who have tried & failed, can be called survivors of suicide. It's tiring on both sides of the fence. Take the time to take care of yourself, even if all you do is lie on the couch while the kidlets potter. (X)
Words are inadequate to soothe and mollify; know that you are thought of and loved and held up to the healing of the great spirit.
God, really? Survivor of suicide? That doesn't sit well with me.
I've had two brothers commit suicide and the mental exhaustion is so hard to deal with. I too went through the constant why? and If only. 10 years down the track and I am still asking What if? What if I had rung him that morning…
It never goes away, but it lessens. It lessens.
I listen too.
my gosh, a survivor of suicide is not one of the ways I've ever looked at it, (according to that pamphlet, I also am a survivor through losing a loved one).
You are so strong. Every time I read a post, I connect with every emotion you describe.
Thankyou for being so brave, and sharing.
A very new but loyal follower xx
Cherie from 'a baby called max'
It's just relentless isn't it and sleep is just a little bit of relief. Sending you love and energy Lori xxx
This will pass Lori. As the years pass, the exhaustion will ease.
I know I don't comment much, but I am thinking of you often Lori, and I pray for you every time I do. And I'm quietly listening. x