Absolutely, Confrontatingly Gorgeous

by Lori Dwyer on January 21, 2013 · 21 comments

‘The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?”

“…I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut… up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.”…It’s just a ride.’
Bill Hicks


I feel as though I’m pouring out of myself. As though the dams on some fermented, stagnant fjord of solvable karma have slid down to a gushing release of swollen, pent up misfortune.

What remains is a cool, calm, bubbling deep blue teal; a tranquil bath for the soul.

I continue to shed hang ups and snags at a rate that amazes me, layers of myself peeling and papering away, catching and tumbling in the almost autumn breeze that’s rushing past.

I lose a cat, and the Universe decides that’s a mistake and sends it back, then changes it’s mind again and takes the other cat instead♦. The backdrop of my writing salvation becomes unrecognizable♦. I stealthily siphon off a car my husband bought♦, a lounge he once slept on… a person he thought he knew. (you didn’t know me, that not much, not at all… you couldn’t possibly have, because I didn’t even know me, then, so how on earth could’ve you?)

And the world around me, it clangs again. Coincidences that are far too big to be simple coincidence hit and split in the air like atoms, spreading the dust of their consequences around and leaving illuminated trails to ensure me that something bigger is happening here, something is working even more silently than I am behind a huge drop of scenery that looks just like a real world should. Names and dates and songs and images intersect and intertwine, obscure references finding companions in conversations and happenstancials that occur within the tightest of timeframes, creating fluorescent gunpowder sparks of tiny awe into the everyday-ness of common existence. They feel like signs, a mystical illumination of stepping stones set in a Grimm’s fairytale– but this time the breadcrumbs are leading out of the dark impending doom of a thick Black Forest. Not into it.

And I’m beginning to believe in fairy tales again, maybe. Perhaps not the Grimm Brothers variety, this time around.

This time around, I’d prefer the Disney version. Please.


I find someone, just when I thought no one like him existed.

He takes me as I am, and I don’t scare him even when I try, when I push him with knowledge I thought he already knew. I tell him “I am broken, waiting for what I thought was the perfect answer (I will fix you…”), and instead he looks at me in genuine disbelieving amazement and says “No, you’re not.”

And for the first time in a long time– since before the sky fell in, probably since before post natal depression sucked the color from the world– that feels true. The world opens up again. There are the sweetest melodies exist in the air I fill, and some kind of light shines from within me when I’m with him, arms and legs intertwined, skin flush as though we we’re melting into one another. I think it’s the phosphorescent essence of feeling beautiful, feeling amazing… feeling worth something, to someone, as more than just the sum of the parts that make me.

We exist in a bubble, reality suspended a thousand kilometers away, caught still on spiderwebs of the heaviest silk. I sleep and laugh and drown in his embrace. We watch movies and tell stupid jokes. He makes me breakfast, takes me places, shows me things he thinks I will like and every one of them speaks to my soul. He greets me with the best hug I’ve ever had and a bunch of bright sunflowers– happy flowers, not funeral flowers, and I fall in love with him even more.

I won’t insult the intelligence of my fellow social media junkies by pretending his name is any kind of secret. But, given everyone except myself gets a pseudonym on my blog, it seems patently unfair not to let this new man have an alias, too. For now, I think we’ll just call him ‘The Most Amazing Man In The Universe’.

Because really, that name suits him. More than anything else I can think of.


On a totally different but weirdly related note; there is bitching and bad karma going on. Because this is the Internet, and sometimes that what happens here.

Amongst all the snarkiness was the opinion that reading RRSAHM feels like looking at me naked. I’m assuming it was meant as an insult. (Or maybe a ‘concern’. As seems to be the more PC term for it. Of course.)

I can only say that that is, possibly, the most awesome freaking compliment I’ve ever been given. Because in all my naked, honest reality… aren’t I just absolutely, confrontatingly gorgeous?


♦Due to– well, to be honest, mainly to that bubble I’ve been existing in, but we can call it extenuating circumstance– this place has been sadly neglected. Explanations for all these events and more, later this week. (Really.)

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrea October 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm

So, in German we say ‘nukkedeye’(phonetic spelling) for little naked ones, or ‘nudey rudey’ as you probably know it. Little nudey rudeys run around joyously and don’t give a shit. Not a bad idea really! :) glad to hear your wonderful news. Belated reading it- I’ve been reading your posts back


Suzy Mac July 17, 2013 at 8:34 pm

I’m trawling through your archives and found this absolute poetry…Awesome girl (am grinning for you like I didn’t know I was capable of today)
Suzy Mac recently posted…I’m a TurnupstufferMy Profile


Lori Dwyer July 18, 2013 at 5:05 pm

Thanks so much Suzy :) x
Lori Dwyer recently posted…The New Wiggles.My Profile


Madmother July 9, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Hey my darlin’! Long time no connect. My bad – the world of blogging has fallen from my life this year or more and just by some strange universal karma your latest post showed on my FB! And hence link jumping I come back to here.

Can I tell you my heart sings for you? And that the kids WILL adapt and be happy, especially as you are happy.

And just tell him, if by some rare chance he hurts you badly (for all the little hurts we do each other are merely living), warn him he will have to deal with a Madmother. You may want to explain exactly how daunting that is too. xx


Lori Dwyer July 10, 2013 at 10:41 am

Madmother!! Lovely to ‘see’ you :)
I will warn him… scary stuff :p


MultipleMum February 9, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Ah Lori. I haven’t been around for a while. So, so, SO happy to read this. You deserve every happiness. Smooch x


Lori Dwyer February 12, 2013 at 8:06 pm

Thanks so much MM :) xx


Miss Pink January 30, 2013 at 5:46 pm

Oh how I love this. Really truely love this. Even if I sting a little reading this. That person who comes along and makes you not have hope that fairytales exist, but feel like they exist because surely you’re living one?
I just hope your ending is the disney kind. You really truely deserve it my love. I love you to the moon and back and your happiness means the world to me. Keep me in the loop ok? And truely lets catch up and talk shit soon ok?


Lori Dwyer January 30, 2013 at 7:52 pm

Thanks Pinky. Just out of curiosity… can I ask what “Even if I sting a little reading this” means? I’m more than 98% sure I know, but wanted to know if you wanted to elaborate. IYKWIM :p xxx


Miss Pink February 4, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Long long story best said over some Maccas?
Just that love, and longing for that addictive eat you all up kind of love hurts. Sure there’s something to be said for that comfort, but it’s not that all consuming whisk you off your feet want to know everything about a person love. It’s just…steady, predictable, comfort.

Have you moved to wordpress?


Lori Dwyer February 6, 2013 at 12:23 pm

Indeed I have, Pinky. That’s also a very long story to be be done *soon* over Macca’s. I’m not sure WP is all it’s cracked up to be… ;) xx


Miss Pink February 6, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Dude, our small world got smaller over Christmas for me. I’ve got to stop being so surpirsed at how many people know you, or well Tony.
I still want to hear all about The Most Amazing Man In The Universe. So bummed I am missing DPCON.

It doesn’t *look* too much different. Only the comment box threw me. Of course this was before you changed your header and layout ;P

Brad (Griff) January 29, 2013 at 2:53 am

…oh, and some tears. Feels pretty freaking good hey Lori :)


Lori Dwyer January 30, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Indeed, it does :)


Brad (Griff) January 29, 2013 at 2:52 am

Big smiles :) :)


nightwolf January 22, 2013 at 11:23 am

doing a little happy dance here for you. I’m so glad u met most amazing man in the universe. It’s been awesome to see you so happy recently and when we finally see each other again I’ll give u big squishy hugs.
And yes, I’d take that comment about your blog as a massive compliment. You are brave and gorgeous and take that and run!
Look forward to continuing to read your blog for many years to come ;)


s_lynn4 January 22, 2013 at 12:34 am

I have not been living in the world of blogs for very long, but have recently found the time to sit and read some powerful words from bloggers from all walks of life, and I am impressed beyond my wildest dreams. With every post I read, I learn something new, either about them or me. As I read this post I was taken away to a beautiful world of hope, imagination, joy and poetry and then you described it as nakedness and it could not have been more appropriate! LOVE your posts that I have read (the old and the new) and will look forward to joining you on your journey into your future xo Sandra xo


Tegan.C January 21, 2013 at 10:05 pm

I hope you get your Disney fairy tale.
Your rawness is what keeps bringing me back. Your ability to tell it like it is, sets you apart. Not everyone is going to like it, but then again why have ‘everyone’ when you can have the ones that enjoy you for you.


Bina January 21, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Reading RRSAHM is like looking at you naked? You should damn well take that as an awesome compliment. It takes guts to bare your soul and let anyone and everyone see your innermost REAL self. You’re a brave lady Lori. So happy you found your Most Amazing Man In The Universe. Cheers!


Sharon @ Funken Wagnel January 21, 2013 at 3:25 pm

I think this is a brilliant turn of events! So happy to see you happy. And yes, you are fairly naked on here, but let’s face it; everyone has different abilities to cope with/tolerance to nudity:P Can’t please everyone.


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