I think I need to clear something up here, more in my own head than anywhere else.
The further time takes me away from this, the more perspective I get on death and grief and this whole universe changing event in general. It’s logically- the bigger the distance, the more of the picture you see.
And this is all becoming bizarrely mundane for me- I have to remind myself that dealing with a suicide, a visible one, isn’t really a ‘normal’ activity. I remember the distress in the health workers voice, on the phone to me the weekend directly After this happened- “There is no literature on this, Lori… I can’t find a documented, psychologically studied case.”
An oddity. So horribly, horrifically unique.
Anyway. Enough of that. That’s what we’re here to talk about today.
There’s something that’s been slowly solidifying itself in my the subconscious part of my mind, just lately, the part that deals with that big picture, and brings it into focus as it drifts away. There’s a phenomenon that has grated on me since Tony’s death. I don’t know if it’s specific to this situation or death in general.
But there was so much discussion, so much emphasis placed, on how Tony would feel, what Tony would think of this or that.
When someone’s dead, they’re…well…dead. Isn’t that the essence of it, the bottom line? They don’t think or feel anything.
I believe in an AfterLife, I think. I have to, after this, because some nights that’s the only thing that lulls me to sleep- the thought that there is an afterlife, and eventually I’ll get there, and Tony and I will catch up over tea and toast, and all this pain will seem just like the blink of an eye, a stitch in time. But if there is an AfterLife, I’d hate to think of it as the kind of place where you worry and stress about the insignificant things that happen in the life that going on without you, below. I doubt you’d stress and stew over stupid things, little arguments and trite, petty concerns.
Wouldn’t you be returned to your happiest..? That’s what I’d like to think. You’d be returned to the time of your life when you were happiest, felt complete, when life’s problems felt passable and mundane, and the good times where so sweet the aftertaste of them ran from one to the next.
So, I like to think my husband is in a place where he loves us, where all the material concerns of life are gone- where he doesn’t stress about all this bitching going on.
And if he is that place, then all he’d want to do is protect me.. all he’d want to do is make all the hurt better.
And that’s where I am, right now. Damn the guilt over how Tony would feel, about this, or that. Tony’s not here. And I have to think, I have to believe, he’d be OK with me doing whatever it is I need to get through, as long as both myself and our babies are happy and safe.
The AfterLife- it can’t be a place where you’re bothered by little stuff. If it was, why would anyone bother going there at all…?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh yes i believe there is an after life, I waited for messages from my ,man, who passed away over a year ago. I had a amazing dream that left mewith all the answers needed to keep going after so much grief. I had the dream analysed, and yes lori, my mn was at his extreme best when i saw him in the dream, there were symbols and signs which led me to the place i am now, listen and look for the signs, stay calm and you will find what you are looking for, before you even realise it,.
Oh yes i believe there is an after life, I waited for messages from my ,man, who passed away over a year ago. I had a amazing dream that left mewith all the answers needed to keep going after so much grief. I had the dream analysed, and yes lori, my mn was at his extreme best when i saw him in the dream, there were symbols and signs which led me to the place i am now, listen and look for the signs, stay calm and you will find what you are looking for, before you even realise it,.
I don't know either, but like you, I hope there's something more than this, somewhere we go where there is no pain, no worries – big or small, loved ones to be with, and where we are happy. That's what I want to believe anyway.
Absolutely. I agree 100%. xx
Beautiful post Lori.
I did a bit of research on the Afterlife when my mum was dying, and the person I found helpful to read was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross
Her books are amazing. Please read them, i think they will help you x
I believe very strongly that life is for the living and you simply cannot try to make decisions that would meet the approval of someone who has passed on. Its exhausting enough trying to meet the approval of living family, adding deceased family to the mix makes it impossible and draining.
If people are trying to tell you Tony would want xyz or Tony wouldn't approve of xyz its really a cop out way of saying 'I want xyz or I don't want xyz' for whatever reason. I think you're 100% right – once you're in the Afterlife you are not bothered by small details, you don't want to control the lives below. Spirits dwell in the Afterlife, the living deal with the details of Life. That's just the way I think of it. xx
Your post has got me thinking. Even now after 10 years, I still forget my Mum is dead. Just every now and then.
This book may be of interest to you: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Dying-Peter-Fenwick/dp/0826499236
Peter Fenwick is a neuropsychiatrist who has researched this area.
Lori, what an amazing post. I am so sorry for your loss and you and your babies are in a happy and safe place.
There is so much to take from this post. Thank you.
I remember becoming very interested in the afterlife after a serious illness in my twenties – I scoured the bible searching for a description of where we are headed (though I am not a typically religious person) unfortunately there isn't a ton of information out there on that subject either. I think you have to live your life the best way you can – you are doing just beautifully for yourself and for your kids – and as for the afterlife – we'll just have to see when we get there.
My sister and I both think/wish that you go back to your happiest time. I hope it's true.
I agree that Tony is in his happy place, and that you will find yours in time too. Please give yourself permission to be really happy again, you deserve it x
I dont know what exactly I believe in, but I am open minded and I think we have to believe in little things (like there Is no stress for Tony in his afterlife) in order for us still here on earth to experience some extent of peace with their passing?
The statement that there is 'no documented case' is, with respect, about the health worker's panic (maybe… I am making a professional guess) in the face of the enormity of what has just occurred. She complains that there are no guidelines, no rules,manualised treatment program, nor is there a researched evidence base for this. And, heaven help us all, why should there be? One of the tasks of being human is to listen and be listened to – no matter what happens. You are listening deeply to yourself and finding your way through, as we all will. As this blog is showing.
Since we are rational beings, I guess what we try to do it put a spin on death by saying there is an afterlife. I'm not sure where I sit on the subject. My dad died suddenly on Jan 1 this year and I want to believe that he is in some kind of afterlife. There are days when I forget that he is dead and think about calling him to talk about something funny I've just heard or something that is going on in politics. Sometimes I feel like he is around me..so what is that? I certainly don't believe that people burn in hell. But then again, maybe they do because how do murderers etc have any justice?
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I also don't believe the afterlife is at all stressful for those that are there.
I DO believe that now that Tony is there, he's possibly seeing the "bigger picture" unfolding, your future and that of your kids and as hard as this might seem, Tony may be seeing that what he did was what had to happen to get you to the place you're eventually meant to be. Although if you WERE meant to be with Tony, perhaps the past and future happenings has distant meaning for your kids.
It's all unclear to those left behind and of course the ones left behind are the ones suffering the stresses.
Beautifully written Lori. Certainly something to ponder.
I hope you're right Lori, but either way, I think it's a beautiful way of looking at it.
Sorry for the deleted comment… :/
I don't know if there is an afterlife. I have felt the presence of the unseen, the spiritual. I have felt love emanate from someone who has passed on. I don't know where this feeling, that love comes from. But I agree with you – it must be a very happy place.
It is my belief that where ever Tony's spirit is right now that he would be upset by how he treated you in the days leading up to his death. I believe he would be loving on you and the littlies from up above and wishing you peace and happiness.
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Here's what I believe. I don't think that, if there is an afterlife, people would be stressing about little things. I do, however, think that our loved ones are still concerned about us and our well-being after they've left this earth and I do believe that they continue to keep tabs on us and want nothing but for us to be happy again.