All Bets Are Off

by Lori Dwyer on April 1, 2011 · 63 comments

Just to let you all know, this blog may be exceptionally quiet for the next week or so. I know, that’s quite alarming, but it’s a product of my slower-than-dial-up Internet access that I’m running here. Hopefully my broadband will up by next Friday at the latest. Stick with me- I have so much to say, so little 3G reception with which to say it….

All bets are off.

The further I am, psychically, from the place this happened, the more perspective I get.

Wow, this is fucked up.

All of it.

From beginning to right now.

Someone has hacked my husband’s FaceBook page, and changed his relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

Totally true. But fucking creepy, none the less.

My head stretches and twists and shakes itself. It struggles to cope with the reality of events. With the ache of missing my best friend.

With the sense of impending doom, and sweet, selfish relief, that comes with knowing you’re Different.

Because I am- we are, my children and I, different now. Not only ‘different’, changed from the Purple people we were before, but Different in every aspect.

Now, forgive me if this sounds arrogant, self-centered and childish, but I can’t help but feeling that we are outside the normal stratosphere of rules, regulations and expectations.

All bets are off. We have had to deal with this- let the rest of our lives be simple and sunshine and filled with the smell of fresh cut grass and cakes cooking. We deserve that, please.

We deserve comfort and love and pleasure in small things. And it’s difficult for the world to give that sometimes, there never seems to be enough of it. So I will be selfish, and I will make sure we have those things, those little mercies that make surviving this pain easier.

It angers me intolerably when people try to embarrass or shame my three year old son about still having a dummy (pacifier) or not yet being toilet trained. Yes, perhaps three is too old for a dummy, but the Chop is no longer a normal three year old.

He’s a three year old who is grieving deeply for his father, his best mate… and probably his place in the Purple Life too. And if a dummy is what it takes to quell his anxieties, to make this transition a little easier, then so be it. Leave the poor kid alone.

Everyone was so concerned about the violence and ferocity of the chop’s tantrums, in the weeks after Tony died. I was blamed for them, for not being there with him.
The tantrums continue- kicking, screaming fits of fury.

I sit near him, and wait, then I hold my arms open and talk softly to him as the screams become sobs.

What else can I do, what else would I do, when I feel like throwing myself on the ground and screaming just as much as he does?

I’ve been accused of acting like a six year old, of being an irresponsible parent, because I do drop my kids if I get the chance. If I’ve had them, alone, all week, and dealt with the tantrums, the requests, the crying…. The discussions of where Daddy is, and when he’s coming home… then I do run off the first chance I get, as soon as they are settled and comfortable with a responsible relative.

Why the hell wouldn’t I? Why would I want to be an adult, when I have half the chance not to be? Being an adult, dealing with all this- it’s some scary shit.

And, yeah, I know, welcome to the world of being a parent.

Making excuses? You bet your arse I am. I don’t plan to use this as an excuse, or let my kids use it an excuse, for whatever happens, whatever goes wrong in the future.

But right now, while the grief is so fresh, while it’s all still so difficult… I’ll take all I can get. I’ll make life as easy, as sweet, as rich as possible, for myself and my two kidlets, for as long as it takes- until life is a new kind of normal, until the hurt starts to recede again.

If that’s what it takes to cushion the fall.

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{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }

THE Bird April 7, 2011 at 10:11 pm

…I know who hacked into Tony's FB… I have to say, I thought it was totally thoughtless & thoroughly heartless!! I was amazed, in fact… I'd have thought there would be a lot more understanding for what you are going through Lori…


Cate April 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Hmmm – seems to me that your kids are safe, fed, clothed and loved. All the parenting boxes ticked, so take what precious minutes you can to put some time into you and stuff those who would say otherwise.

Cannot believe the petty-minded, hateful hacking of the FB page!


Navhelowife April 5, 2011 at 5:31 am

You're dealing with a new normal now. And the pacifier? Is not a big deal. You're handling the tantrums lovingly and calmly…and they will fade. Children heal faster than we do in oh so many ways, but they are not immune from pain and mourning. They just are more honest about it, I think. We try to behave in socially acceptable ways, and give ourselves ulcers and anxiety attacks, and so on. It sounds like he is dealing with it, and processing it in an age appropriate way. I'd be very proud of your son.


MaidInAustralia April 4, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Holy crap, what is wrong with people? Seriously Lori, you are one of the most loving, giving, open people I know. And we all do what we can do to make our kids happy. Hell, my daughter still climbs into bed with me most nights (on the weeks I have her). I'm sure I could be judged poorly for that, but it works for us. If you're a good parent, your kids are loved, and safe, and have their needs met, no one has the right to comment or criticise. Honey, you have an army here for you, so call on us whenever you need us. As for the sick fuck who hacked into your late husband's account – he/she seriously needs help.


Erin April 4, 2011 at 10:17 am

I have been commenting on and off for a couple of months. You are awesome, and wonderful, and you deserve all the simple pleasures life has to offer. Fuck all of them who judge you. My sweet mother died by suicide two years ago, and I know I will never be the same. Not the same b/c of losing her (I was 34 years old), but esp not the same b/c of suicide. People who have not experienced it, they just don't know. Please GOD, don't let them know — it's terrible. It's like being part of a really dark, sick, secret, totally fucked-up club . . . you will never be the same, but you can TRY and hope and work and wish and pray to be BETTER. A little bit every day . . . Love and best wishes to you.



Being Me April 4, 2011 at 9:04 am

What I wouldn't give to have every opportunity to drop the kid and run. Now, I'll quantify that by saying… I have a partner and I have one pretty self-sufficient child. Quite different to what your situation is and I still have that built-in desire to break free for a few hours every so often.

Anyone who judges you for that needs to get over themselves. You know that. Hell, even THEY know that!! It's just a good excuse for "them" to bag you. Why? Because THEY are the miserable ones. Flick it off, babe, like a speck of lint on your shoulder. It's all those comments are worth.

Use this massive tide of support and encouragement you receive here to buoy you over the waves of the ignorant few, Lori. Use it and thrive on it. Nothing astounds me more than the way people – whether they are strangers, shop attendants or people who are taking advantage of their familiarity with you to say what they think – opinionate and judge so quickly. Without properly standing back and looking at why they are opening their mouths to say what they're about to say! Why-why-why???

I am loving how you're sounding. I know you're still in it. Engulfed by it. Surrounded by "it all"… but Lori, can you feel the spiral slowly bringing you up and out? Love love love to you and your dear little children.


Jo April 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I am the mother of a 3yo – one who lives a perfect purple life – and still whose fragility & tantrums bewilder me… a mother who works so hard & is lucky to shield her & create a pure perfect life far away from harm & danger & heart ache. I cannot begin to comprehend what your Chop has had to process but tantrums, nappies & dummies sound completely reasonable to me. Stand guard, Mama Bear, and ravage anyone who says different. We stand with you. X


Karen April 4, 2011 at 1:53 am

I just can't understand where people are getting off saying hurtful judgemental things when you are doing just fine keeping your family together and taking good care of your kids.
I am sure Chop has his own anger to deal with as he grieves and am not at all surprised to hear he is having tantrums. No one has the right to put expectations on how he processes it all.
I did not find your blog until just after Tony died. I've kept up with it since and have also read through a bit of your archives and have mostly followed the rule of 'if you don't know what to say then keep your fool mouth shut'.


Marianna Annadanna April 3, 2011 at 2:32 am

I have, quite recently, kicked and screamed and cried on the floor. Anxiety and depression.

I'm not comparing my shit to what you're going through – just saying that is hard for most supposedly "well-adjusted" adults to manage life sometimes. Let alone small children and single mothers who have been through what you have.

Your courage inspires me every day.

love, strength, and peace,


Ms Fifikins April 2, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Perhaps direct the (insert several obscenities here) people to studies that show children with transitional objects (like dummies, blankets, teddies etc) are better adjusted than those that don't have transitional objects as they have things that comfort them.

Hugs to you beautiful woman. xxx


Brooke Farmer April 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Wow. All I can say is tears are welling up and I am filled with rage on your behalf. Who the fuck would judge you for needing a break and taking some time for yourself??? Everyone needs that! Single parents expecially need that. And I can only speak as a single parent under much more "normal" circumstances.


Andrea April 2, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Tell em all to stuff their perspectives and expectations up the proverbial.

Go at your own pace. No one knows your kids better than you, and no one knows better than you what they are going through.

So there!!


Dazee Dreamer April 2, 2011 at 10:45 am

To those people that are big jerks, go away.

Your son and his pacifier are just fine. My daughter had hers till she was almost 4. We just slowly weened her from it. Some kids need it longer that others. and hell yes, he need that comfort right now.

Potty training. That to is a kid by kid thing. My granddaughter just starting finally going potty in the toilet and she is 3-1/2. Not to mention, the trauma of what he has gone through, he could have been potty trained and reverted back to not going in the potty. Tell them to shut the fuck up.

And any parent, even if they have a spouse, needs times away from their kids.

You are doing a wonderful job. Know that for every one of the assholes to you, there are 100 that love you and would love to hurt them for you. :)


tenille-help-mum April 2, 2011 at 10:40 am

The judgemental ones are talking out of their arse. But it hurts when they're people close to you.

You're totally right; all bets are off. You set the pace, you do what you need to do for yourself and your kids.

Hope you've managed to deal with those last boxes, if that meant turning them into new bedside tables or not (hey, it worked for me) xox


Ms Styling You April 2, 2011 at 10:39 am

You owe no-one an explanation or justification. It's your life and they are your children. Sending love xx


Michael April 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

As I say to all parents of multiple children, and I've never meant it more: I give you credit for getting your fucking pants on.


Kelloggsville April 2, 2011 at 8:36 am

I took a lot of stick from my MotherInLaw about my daughter still having a bottle at bedtime when she was 4-1/2. It worried me and a friend said to me "she won't walk down the aisle with it, let it take it's course", she naturally just sort of stopped it really but at 12 still sleeps with her blanket. 3 is very young. They are still babies. And yes, single motherhood is the hardest damned job. It sent me crazy. You have to get out, you have to get away sometimes. It's not just related to how Tony died, it's a hard job.period. As an aside I noticed when we were last in Perth there were a lot of child counselling services around, holistic things like painting therapy. These just don't exist in the UK but I discussed it at length with one of my friends from Albany way. She used them during her seperation for her kids. I am sure you are already doing all you can, I only mention it as a just in case you hadn't been offered them as a bit of extra support.


Jenn @ South of Sheridan April 2, 2011 at 5:29 am

It's really sick that anyone would feel the need to change his facebook status. Sick and ridiculous.

In a world where there are so many different ways to parent your child, I think there's really no "right" and "wrong" unless it's going to cause serious physical or emotional harm. And your kids are dealing with enough emotional harm to last them a lifetime, so I say let them have the pacifiers and get to potty training when they're ready. *hugs*


In Real Life April 2, 2011 at 5:15 am

My son has his soother (pacifier), until after he was three, I remember I would cringe as old ladies would approach us and admonish me for letting, "such a big boy, have a soother, shame on me. Take that thing away from him." But, you know what, he is a happy and well adjusted 9 year old now.


Melissa April 2, 2011 at 4:28 am

Ugh that facebook thing is horrible beyond imagining.
You do whatever you need to do to get through this period – and f anyone who judges.


Stella April 2, 2011 at 4:20 am

Hi Lori
Just stopping by to leave some love. If people can't help you, why don't they just shut up and keep their thoughts to themselves?
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. xx


Watercolor April 2, 2011 at 2:53 am

Amen hon. I just read something in the NYTimes about studies that show the brain processes emotional pain in the exact same area as physical pain. It literally does hurt like hell and you are due some gentleness and peace and joy for healing. And all the haters need to shut the fuck up and get a hobby. Seriously. Hugs!! You are in my prayers.


insertwittytitleheremomstired April 2, 2011 at 2:52 am

FWIW, I think it's more than "normal" for Chop to throw tantrums. He's three, he's dealing with a tragedy even most adults have troubles processing. Do others expect him to walk up to you, express his concerns calmly, and then have an adult conversation with you? Fuck them. Everyone grieves differently, and no one can make it easy or "right." You're doing a great job. You need your own private time to grieve or relax or scream and throw a tantrum with no little ears around. XOXO


Kate April 2, 2011 at 2:30 am

My pediatrician is great about stuff like that. He says that a lot of parents really stress about weaning their kids off the bottle or off a pacifier by a certain age (usually 18 months and 2 years respectively) but he tells them that "very few children bring a bottle or a pacifier to kindergarten and even fewer bring them to college."

We usually limit the pacifier to when our son is in bed but if he's sick or just seems sad I let him have it. Your son doesn't need any unnecessary changes right now so you let him have that pacifier as long as he needs it.


Good Golly Miss Holly! April 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

YOU know what is best for YOU and YOUR BABIES. Period.

All bets are off. It's your way and if people can't respect that, then it's the highway.



Emma. April 2, 2011 at 12:57 am

Everyone's pretty much already said everything I was going to say. Go with your gut, do what is right for you and your kids and bugger "normal" – because you are trying to find and adapt to a new "normal", and you just take your own time doing it, because YOU have to live it.

You really are incredible.



Danielle April 2, 2011 at 12:40 am

sounds like you are in the right place doing exactly all the right things in this most terrible situation you have found yourself in. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, I hope each day brings you at least something little to smile about x


Toots April 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Yes, yes, & yes again Lori. Sod 'em. It doesn't matter WHAT you are doing in life, someone will always judge you – particularly women if you're a mother. Chop's not going to be in nappies & sucking his dummy when he's 21 (well, hopefully ;) ), so what does it matter? Who's going to car in five years time if he toilet trained early or late (or has tantrums. A three year old having tantrums? Well gee, THAT'S unusual…. Pfft *rolls eyes*) Bull. Other people seem to think life is a competition to do it all the 'right' way; funnily enough, the 'right' way always seems to correspond incredibly closely to 'their' way….

And as for the small pleasures, I couldn't agree more. I read a beautiful saying yesterday: "Zen is to chop wood & carry water." I like that, a lot.

Take care sweet girl,
Sophie xxx

(ps. I have my kids two days a week & with my other half on weekends. And they wear me out on those two days. You take breaks whenever you need them. Attend to your own mask first, remember?)


Hear Mum Roar April 1, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I think you're doing everything exactly as you need to be. If people can't see that these aren't average tantrums, then they should shove it. How could people not see the connection and the cause of them? I'd throw tanties too if I were you guys!

I think the dummy is really the least of anyone's worries right now. I'm sorry someone hacked Tony's account, that's despicable.

I see something amazing happening in front of me though. You're changing. You're not saying you're a piece of crap, or a terrible person, you're standing up loud and proud and proclaiming that you and your kids deserve a happy, simple life!

And you're right. You do. I'm so proud of you for seeing that you are worthy and deserving of these things.

As for all the judging, just remember, you're the mum, that makes you the expert on your kids.


freefalling April 2, 2011 at 9:57 am

Who ARE these arseholes who have been giving you such a hard time?
You need some new people in your life, coz those old ones are shithouse!


Autumn April 1, 2011 at 10:43 pm

I don't mean for this to come across the wrong way, so my sincerest apologies if it does.

I am a single parent by completely different circumstances and there is no shame or harm in leaving your children with perfectly capable and no doubt loving adults to get a few moments to yourself. Even without all the other things you and your precious children are going through, even if you ended up here (single parentdom) by very different means, the same must be said. There is no shame or harm in having a break to recharge and find yourself and stop yourself from hitting a wall on the Mummy train.

Better to have a break and be a better parent for it then be completely worn out and at your own breaking point. And no doubt those who dare to judge you for it… haven't walked even half a mile in similar shoes.

Know your limits and continue to take care of you. You are important for yourself.


Glen April 1, 2011 at 10:43 pm

If it helps – I had a totally 'normal' (what is normal) upbringing. We didn't move house, we didn't have anything awful happen and both my parents are still around.

I can easily remember loving my dummy. I couldn't give it up. I was almost at school before I succumbed to peer pressure and gave it up. I am ok, It hasn't mattered at all, nothing is damaged by having it for so long.

Nothing matters.

Not really.

Other than doing exactly what you can to make things okay.

If they need some small things to cling onto – then let them cling.

And keep going.


Girl From the Ville April 1, 2011 at 10:32 pm

For what its worth, my DD is 4 in May and still has a dummy. I think it is up to her to decide when it's time to let it go. My kids all throw tantrums at times too – sometimes violent and I choose to cuddle them and soothe them as well.

You are a great mum. The things that I read on here that you do for your kids are amazing. Don't feel that you have to make excuses for needing a break or time away from your kids. We all need that. I think part of being a good mum is knowing when it's time to take a break.

I don't know a lot about greiving but there doesn't seem to be any right or wrong way to do it for you or for your children.

As for your husband's FB page – I can not begin to imagine how much that must sting. What an awful thing for someone to do.


Lucy April 1, 2011 at 10:19 pm

You should not even need to explain.

Retreat into yourselves and do whatever is required to get to the next day. Simple as that.



cassey April 1, 2011 at 9:42 pm

I agree with Melissa, just do what you and you kids need to do to cope. Hugs


Susan April 1, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Hi Lori,the nerve of some people telling you how to run your life…& bring up your kiddies,you do whatever it takes to soften the fall,to embrace some normality,do people forget what you have all gone through…what you are still going through!
To hell with the people who can`t offer you comfort & support,a shoulder to cry on.
Our son Brendan passed away 6 years ago,I`am not over it!I don`t think I will ever be over it!…We all grieve in different ways,we all cope differently,we do need time out from our kids,but I know all about the tantrums,crying hitting kicking,shouting waterfalls of tears.
You go girl,tell them to fuck off…just do your best,take one step at a time,hugs gorgeous,live your life now how you please,not for anyone else!big hugs.xx (Susan Thompson)


flibbertigibbet April 1, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Just like to say that whoever did that on Facebook is absolutely sick. I've just started reading your blog and its so inspiring :)


Christine April 1, 2011 at 9:06 pm

As someone else said right at the beginning of this page… your'e getting it right!!!


edenland April 1, 2011 at 8:54 pm

There is something incredibly freeing about living in All Bets Are Off Land.

I fly to it often. Fuck you, world.


Doodah April 1, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Amongst all the trauma you've experienced, you've also become a single mum (as you've said before) and we all need time away from the kids – especially single mums! I love it when my ex has the kids for a couple of days and so should you.
Can't believe the fb thing!


Kymmie April 1, 2011 at 8:41 pm

You have the right to live outside the rules right now. Who cares about Chop's dummy or the toilet training? Let's get through the big stuff, and the small stuff will take care of itself.

Hugs to you. I've been a terrible blogger of late, and haven't visited you in a while (but have been keeping up to date with your move and life on Instagram). Hope your littlies enjoyed Wiggles and that the move went okay. There is so much going on in your life. Do what you need to do. xx


deardarl April 1, 2011 at 8:39 pm

My boy (5 at the time)was *exactly* like the chop for months after Greg died.
One of his (idiot) teachers thought it might be a good time to have him assessed for ASD …. which the psych laughed at and said "kid is grieving normally".
But by GOD that kiddo could kick and punch and sob and cry and scream "go away" over and over again until he fell in an exhausted heap. I would hold / cuddle him or just stay with him until he calmed down.
It was heartbreaking.
he got better.
slowly the "tantrums" reduced to when he was triggered by someone.
and bit by bit, at a year out, he is himself again – intelligent, funny, focussed, adorable and *calm*.
The angry child still comes out when he's exceptionally tired, but that's no very often at all now.
So you are doing exactly the right thing for your boy in giving him a way of being able to calm himself down.


Melissa April 1, 2011 at 8:38 pm

My opinion, to whoever is dealing with a great loss (and yours is certainly one of the greatest), is this. Whatever gets you through. Literally, especially in those first months or more. Whatever lets you survive.

My love to you, Lori and to the children. I try not to crowd you – you have so many wonderful people on here. But not a day has gone by since you first posted that frantic message about Tony – that I have nto thought of you. Not a day goes by that I have not taken a moment to reflect on your loss and pray that you get through another day.



ss2306 April 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm

How dare anyone judge you! It makes me so darn angry. Tell em all to go fuck themselves. You do what you gotta do and fuck everyone else. Sorry for swearing on your blog but I'm fucking pissed for you right now :)


The Mummy Hat April 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Praying for you honey.
Stuff the haters, they aren't living what you are.
Sending you light and love


mott April 1, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Look, my 2nd is in Prep and he still sucks his thumbs. My eldest stopped when he turned 5. My 3rd throws massive tantrums every day. I too am damn bloody selfish, and do load my kids off to their grannies whenever I can. It's just what needs to be done to maintain OUR sanity, for the rest of their lives!


Watershedd April 1, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Normal is such a variable thing. My normal tends to blow most people's brains, including that of my family. Your current abnormal is something I hope I enver have to endure. It really isn't any wonder that your child is distraught. It's no wonder that you are. Keep doing whatever you need to get through.


Kat April 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Hi Lori,
I feel a little like an intruder, I found your page by the blogger awards.
I just wanted to tell you how I read your blog for 3 hour straight after I found it, how your writing and sharing has left a raw space in me that allows me to view my life differently.

I feel quite changed by feeling some of your pain through your words, only because you are such a skilled writer and willing to share.

Please please find your peace where you are, do not doubt that you need it… the idea that someone hacked Tonys facebook account is so completely disturbing and I just cannot start to think how someone does that to another person in pain.

I dont believe in god but I wish that you find your peace and new life out of this pain.

tears roll down my cheeks for your son, his loss and his pain.
I know you can rationalise the judgement but please know there are more than you that see this for what it is.



Zoey @ Good Goog April 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I can't believe anyone has anything to say about the dummy or about the tantrums for that matter. Mine still has a bottle at night and she's three in a week and has suffered nothing traumatic – she's just not ready.

For what its worth, I think you're giving him exactly what he needs – as much comfort, love and support as possible at the worst, most confusing, most hideous time in his life.

Years later, he won't remember how old he was when he gave up the dummy, but he will know that he is completely loved.


Brenda April 1, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Do whatever you need to do to ease the pain, my love.xxxx


Amy xxoo April 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I have a friend who lost her husband to a brain tumour a few years back and her then 4 yr old was the same as the Chop – holding on to his dummy for dear life, even though people berated her for letting him do it. He didnt give it up until he was a litle over 5, and only then because he was too embarrassed to take it to kindy ( thanks to his two older brothers ). Point is, my friend let him have the dummy – he couldnt have his daddy back, so the dummy was the next best comfort option. He's now a perfectly well adjusted 9 yr old – so poo to anyone who tells you things should be different!


Tracey April 1, 2011 at 8:05 pm

What kind of lowlife hacks into a deceased person's FB account and changes their status? Why would anyone even bother to do that? What would the point be? The world is truly made up of crazy people.

I get sick of people telling me also that my little girl, who turned 3 the day after her grandfather's funeral this year, that she is too big to have a dummy. Why do people worry about crap like that, especially strangers? Perhaps I should be saying back to them 'why do you wear shitty coloured shirts?" But I have manners, so I don't.

Lori, I don't know you from a bar of soap – but all I can offer is that people need to rationalise and point the finger. It helps them make sense of non-sensical events. You are their target, but let's hope it only makes you stronger.

My mum is going through the grieving process as my dad died on Jan 1 – they'd been together 47 years. She is totally lost and having panic attacks. It's going to be a long road to recovery.

When I'm thinking about her, I am often thinking about you and your situation and I hope that the light finds both of you.


Miss Pink April 1, 2011 at 7:58 pm

What else can I do, what else would I do, when I feel like throwing myself on the ground and screaming just as much as he does?

That says it all. THAT.SAYS.IT.ALL.
I'd be acting just the way that Chop is and i've twenty four. Those who judge? Can get FUCKED. It is fucked up to lose a parent and at such a young young age? Let him have whatever he needs to cope. You're not turning him into a monster, you are comforting him in the best way you can and anyone who judges? I will happily kick their teeth in for you.


e012cef2-4f97-11e0-9cf8-000bcdcb8a73 April 1, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Well said Lori! It's all you can do to cope & everyone deals with grief in their own way. My daughter had a dummy till chops age & didn't toilet train till 3 & a half! So what?? She has had only one accident since so the later the better! Let him be a toddler, plenty of time to be a grown up later!! Hope you get your superfast broadband soon & enjoy your kid free time too! All mums deserve some! :) xx


Megan Blandford April 1, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Hope the move has gone well, Lori. So much respect here for how you're coping and surviving and helping your kids through this. xxx


phonakins April 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

I thnk you're getting it right, if that's worth anything


Ðéví April 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm

It's very, very hard to make decisions you know are right for you, when everyone around you is telling you that is the wrong things to do.

You know what is your "right decision". Good on you for being strong enough to go with it.


Kaye April 1, 2011 at 10:50 pm

My youngest son, now almost 7, had a paci until he was four and a half. He only slept with it the last two years, but he had one and it drove my in-law's and mom crazy! Me? Not so much. I looked at it like a blankie- my oldest son, almost 9, still sleeps with his favorite blankie and no one has ever said a word about him doing that. My youngest needed that comfort he got, just like a blankie, from having his paci at night. The only reason we ended up getting rid of it was because our dog got ahold of it and chewed it up and we had no extras. I concocted a long story about sending it to the Happy (his name for the paci) Cleaning Factory at the North Pole for a man named Rufus to fix. It's been there getting fixed for over two years. From time-to-time, when he gets upset, he asks about when it's going to be done getting fixed. LOL. Anyway, my point, after that long drawn out ramble, is that who cares that your child still has a paci- it's a comfort for him and he certainly needs it right now. As for the potty training? Again, who cares? It will happen when he's ready- no rushing.

Take care of yourself and tell everyone who judges you to fuck off.


Rebecca April 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm

These people who judge, and comment, they dont get it.
If it was their husband, wife, brother, sister, mother or father, and they were dealing with what you have to deal with, their judgments would stop, because they would somewhat understand

Not completely understand, but somewhat – because everyone deals with grief differently. Until they are in your position, they can fuck off.

As for hacking Tony's facebook page – why? How low can you go, honestly?
If I was you, I would delete all of these so called friends, set it all to private and leave it as a place for you that you can look and reflect on whenever you want. Facebook might not mean much to some people, but I'm sure there are happy memories and photos on there.

Thinking of you all

Bec x


Mrs Woog April 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I hope there comes a day soon where you do not feel you have to apologise or justify. Seriously. Fuck them. You know I know you and you are amazing.

Mrs Woog xxxx


Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures April 1, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Run when you can.
Let the wind catch your hair, and run.
No-one who matters will think less of you for needing time out. The kids are grieving. But after you've dealt with their's, you need time to deal with your's. Otherwise, you will be useless to them.
I wish you well, and I don't think you're a bad parent because the Chop has a dummy. He'll be rid of it when he's ready, for now, it helps him cope. That's all anyone could expect you guys to do. Cope as best as you know how xoxoxox


Ames April 1, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Fuck the haters. Seriously.

You have the right to be human. Guess what?! I think you are doing a damn fine job.

Someone hacking your husband's fb is fucked. I know people say facebook doesn't mean anything but you know what!? It does. If those people have any courage they will change it back then leave it alone. It's not their place.

Also, I sucked my thumb till I was 13 and if I had a dummy I probably would have sucked that instead.

Toilet trained? I wish I could poo and pee wherever I was (in a nappy of course). Why the hell would anyone want to be toilet trained? Especially, when such an upheaval has occurred.

Again, fuck them. You've said it before, no one has the right to judge you until they have lived your life and guess what?! No one can live your life. It's yours alone and you are living it the best you can.

PS I was totally serious about the toilet training. How many times have you had to go to the toilet and couldn't find any? Annoying to say the least.


Mumstrosity April 1, 2011 at 7:47 pm

For what it's worth, Monster is nearly 4 and still has a dummy, and we only just got him toilet training. Dummies are a comfort thing, like a teddy bear. You wouldn't go up to a kid and just take their teddy off them would you? No, they decide for themselves when to put it down.

I can't believe someone hacked his facebook page! That's just down right dis-fucking-respectful.


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