“Life is like a pipe,
And I’m a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside…”
Back to Black, Amy Winehouse
***
There’s this particular hopeless kind of melancholy that’s been seeming to wrap around me more and more, lately. I don’t know where it’s come from and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m not sure if it’s just… cyclic, if it’s just another part (maybe even the tail end?) of the long ebbing process of grieving. I’m not sure if its hormonal or behavioural, or my medication is messing with me; or if it’s low self-esteem, or if my own mind will always be my worst enemy, or it’s just the unwarranted stress of sole parenting…
Or maybe… feeling like this is just the next step up from not feeling anything at all. Because it feels like that, like finding someone who loves me has melted the ice I was existing in, created me from non–entity to real human flesh and blood again. And at first it felt like an acid trip, an ecstasy pill– the whole world was coloured again, sights and sounds and smells embellished and accentuated. And when I’m in the presence of the Most Amazing Man In The Universe, it always still like that. I only see him every few weeks, and when I do it’s the ultimate escapism– I allow the rest of the world to fade away and I drown myself in the scent of his skin. But then he leaves or I leave, one of us always has to leave, and it’s back to this… distasteful reality.
Once the ecstasy of simply being began to pale, there was anger and it hurt to be angry but it felt good because anger is passion, fury is life.
But now that and has burnt off, too, and he’s so much still here but it’s feels like there’s just… this.
Me.
And a burning, crying helplessness that makes the whole world a sad place to be. I know the name for this, I’ve had this before… this is depression and anxiety creeping in, more than grief, and I don’t know if the meds I’m on are helping or making this worse, and it’s a steamroller flat over every day and there’s nothing but anxiety and worry as far as my mind has foresight to think. It makes life irritating. It causes blogging to be difficult because I don’t feel passionately enough to write much about anything, I’m not sure I have the energy to dredge up and recognise emotions at all and all I really want to do is sleep so I don’t have to listen to my own mind anymore and the way it just loops around and around on itself…
***
there is something wrong with you and you are a bad mum and you are a bad person and your children deserve so much better than this and they used to have it so much better than this and you need to get your sh*t together and what the hell are you doing with your life and how long do you think you can keep pretending to be anything and he is going to leave you soon because you will push him away and you are a burden on your family and the people that still love you and it’s no wonder your husband left and that’s your fault too and no matter you do it is not good enough because there is something wrong with you and you are a bad mum and a bad person and your children deserve so much better than this….
***
I wrote this post a few days ago and it was only after reading it back and having a moment of ‘What the actual f*ck?’ that I realised just how bad things had gotten… I don’t want to sink, like this, after so long keeping myself afloat. The more I think about it, the more I put it down to lack of maintenance. I feel safe, loved, for the first time in a long time. And while letting my guard down is blissful, it’s had the unfortunate side effect of allowing me to be too easy with myself.
And I can be a very lazy creature, by nature, should I let myself be. I can forget to watch myself, watch my thoughts, get enough sleep, take enough time to just be quiet. It’s seems I’ve been underestimating the actual amount of effort it takes to keep myself stable- when I stop concentrating so hard, I feel like I fall to pieces a bit.
Or not. I don’t know. But the last few days, I’ve stopped floating along, skidding down the muddy slippery slope of my own thoughts. I make lists, plan things. I drink water and do yoga and force myself to stop procrastinating, to get things done.
So far… so good. I’ll let you know, of course, how things tumble out from here.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
You just keep remembering to look at yourself, Lori. You are right, that’s the key.
i don’t want to take away from any of the seriousness of the this post or your feelings or presume anything.. but could it be the seasonal lull, the beginning of Autumn, the (in many ways) quieter time of year as it gets cooler on this side of the planet? I know its something I notice in myself and people around me whether they may be aware of it or not. In the least patronising way I can possibly imagine, you sound self aware. And that (to an appropriate extent) is good. And you sound good. x
The worthlessness that you’re feeling couldn’t be further from the truth. You are worth so much to so many, and not a burden at all. Love doesn’t burden, and I really don’t feel you burdened Tony, I just think he just stayed quiet for too long, scared to burden YOU.
Ironic huh? When he has burdened you in the worst possible way by trying not to burden you.
I hope you keep your positive change. It’s far easier to work a little each day, to make lists and try to keep up, sure some days you won’t get as much done as you’d like, but if you keep at it it will be far less daunting than ignoring it all for a few days. And when things are so hard you’re losing that motivation? That’s when you call on your friends and family. We want you to tell us how to help. xx
Oh man, depression sneaks up on you before you actually realize it. Before you know it, you are (I am) saying mean things to ourselves, feeling nothing, sleeping afternoons away. One day, it hits you, and makes a bit of sense…
For me, it can be as simple as taking an extra hit of antidepressant…
This hit very close to home. I’m not the mum my son deserves either. Not the mum I’d planned to be. Not the woman I’d planned to be. And I waste so much time, sleeping and shutting myself away. All I have learned from this very hard time, is that depression passes. It comes back again, and again, but I have lived through it before so I know when I am at the very bottom, that it passes. I cling to that.
And today there is sunshine, and quiet. It stops me asking what am I doing with my life. Today I am listening to the world turn.
Hi Lori, I’ve followed your blog for ages now. I never comment, mostly because I have not been through anything remotely akin to what you have and I don’t feel as though I have much to offer. And I still don’t. But I just wanted you to know you’re awesome. And that people who don’t know you in real life admire your strength even when you feel the way you just described. That’s all
Doesn’t the constant maintenance get exhausting sometimes? The endless effort to keep ‘up’? I always find myself sliding back into laziness, complacency, bad behaviour, melancholy, exhaustion, etc… when I know that if I put the effort in everything will be okay. So why is it so hard to do the things you know are going to be good for you?
I’m sending you energy to get back on it, to get back into the routine of care of yourself. It’s hard but it will be worth it. Maybe I can get some of that motivation for being awesome back too.
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Make your lists my dear, do your plans, eat your chocy for breakfast and do your yoga. You are lovely, you are awesome, You ARE a good mum (i know those kids and they are brilliant little humans, you made them!). Bumping along is something we all tend to do… then when a girl gets it in her head to take this sucker life by the horns watch out! exciting and terrifying all at once. You will never truly wear out the once who love you the deepest. Just remember that! Take care of yourself Lori x o