I despise my own tendency toward chronic procrastination. Being bored and itchy–footed seems to have an ironic, inverse effect on me. Rather than rushing through tasks, crossing things from my to–do list in an attempt to prune old wood and allow refreshing, vibrant green growth to peek through; I find myself stuck in a psychological catch 22 situation, a trap of my own’s mind’s making.
The more I have to do, the more I flail and wail against it, and the longer the list of things I’m putting off becomes. Time fades and floats and rolls in on itself and before I know it I’ve spent the last four hours in a loop of procrastination, smoking cigarette after cigarette as I wander my garden or aimlessly surf the net or doze on the lounge watching movies with my kids.
Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with that (except perhaps the smoking of the cigarettes, of course). It’s just that the more I put things off, the more I beat myself up, and the more anxious I get. And I hate that burning, pushing, guilt–driven anxiety with a desperate passion. It’s that constantly bitching, nagging thought that I have not done enough– I have a ‘whole list of things that must be done’ that eats at the back of my mind, but, ironically, feeds and fuels that procrastination the longer it becomes.
I know how ridiculous it sounds, and it frustrates me to be stuck in such a useless cycle as much as I’m sure it frustrates some of you to read it. I know the simple answer…. just suck it up and do it, princess.
I don’t know why it’s not that simple.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh no, love, it does not sound rediculous! Count me as another who feels this post puts into words the exact description of my modus operandi.
Glad to know I am not alone. As a matter of fact that is what continues to keep me glued to your blog. Though I have not experienced the depth of pain you have, your thoughts, coping mechanisms, insecurtites, etc. shared in this space resonate strongly with me.
Cheers to one day breaking the cycle of chronic procrastinating!
~ Jill
I get stuck in that cycle all the time. I'm in it right now. I've kind of learnt to just go with the flow and run with mojo when it comes. Some days my house is a welcoming space of declutter and other days it's a giant pile of mess. The less I worry about it, the more I get done ironically.
I think in those moments it helps to have a good mate beside you who doesn't mind doing the brunt of the work to get you caught up and help you out. Once you're back on top of it it will be easier to maintain.
I'm totally in the loop right now. So much to do, the only one doing anything about it, and even that isn't much because there is so much to farking do!
Pass the iced vovos love. Wanna know what undid today? I changed the beneficiaries of my super – it had not been done in ten years. How's that for procrastination. We all do it. It will pass and the small victories and things crossed off will give way to more things as it gains momentum. You just have to wait
"… It's all there…. It's the vibe…" or words to that effect…
Sometimes, I can trick myself into doing something if I convince myself it's the LEAST important thing I'm meant to be doing. Like I'll post instead of clean because cleaning is important but posting to my blog isn't really… kindof.
I'm also really good at starting things (like cleaning, posting, researching, gardening) and then reaching this point where I'm JUST about to see some progress… then I stop and never go back.
I get that cycle and it is a terrible one to be in. It's also a very easy one to beat yourself over the head with and feed a depressive episode. Personally, I found the Pomodoro technique where you set a timer for 25 minutes and just focus on one task at a time to be a great help. Provided, of course, that you can get round to starting it of course.
I feel your pain.
It's never that simple. When you're stuck in that place, it is what it is. This too shall pass. Cliche but true. I get like this when I am unorganised. So much anxiety thinking about all the things I want/need to do. The guilt. The 'I have not done enough'. It's all about managing expectations. I sometimes fall into the trap that I need to manage the expectations of those around me but really, it's usually my own expectations of myself that I need to work on.
Oh, I hear you! It's like the more important the thing is, the more I am unable to do it. We shall together be the reining queens of procrastination. Bleh!
Hey! We are in exactly the same rut! Let's be besties and sit on the couch together stressing about all the things we should be doing while not doing any of them!
I'm too anxious about the to do list to talk to you about it, so we'd have to sit there in silence gnawing our teeth into little molar stubs.