I’ve been packing, all day.
The possessions, all the things, the stuff that made up our Purple Life, packed into boxes; to come to the New House, to go to the charity store, to be stored at relatives.
I cried, silent tears rolling down my cheeks to match the deluge of rain on my windscreen, after I dropped a load of baby goods off to be resold for a fraction of the price they were bought for. Clothes, a bouncer, walker, high chair.
Disappearing proof of life, the absence of which spells it out- no more babies for Tony and I, no more milky smelling newborns for me.
I find things, pieces of the past playing hide and seek. A pile of X-rays behind the bookcase. A framed movie poster in the cupboard under the stairs. A comic, carefully cut from the Sunday paper.
I’m surrounded by the whispers of ghosts. Fragments of laughter and conversation. Memories that seem to become more fresh, more vivid and colorful, as I pack them into an ever growing castle of boxes in my garage.
Some things, I pause over, run my fingers over, while my mind tortures me with the memory of my husband’s smile, my husband’s laugh.
I take pictures from the wall, pictures like this one…
…and I pack them, wrap them, deep in a box and tape it shut as tightly as I can. I’m not sure when I’ll open it again, whether I’ll have hooks on the walls for pictures, whether there will be room… whether I’ll ever want to open those (Pandora’s) boxes again.
Give it back, my Purple Life, and I’ll take it… the shit bits, the boring bits, the surbanness of it… I’ll take it back, trade it for this adventure, in a second. In a heartbeat.
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
I'm speechless… it has all been said here anyhow. Hugs!
OH goodness, I can't imagine how hard. A whole life in boxes. A whole life to go. Overwhelming.
Beautiful photo Lori, and hoping that through this traumatic, heart-wrenching period of packing & moving that you did get a moment of peace.
http://www.momentsofwhimsy.com
Wrapping you in a hug. I wish you could have it back, I know you'd take it in an instant xo
like living on a knife edge – the fine line. my heart hurts for you… but I'm glad that you are letting the tears fall. my best friend, in a time of immense heartache for myself, said to me that salt water is healing – be it from the sea, or the tears that you shed. …. so let the tears fall, swim in the sea and the healing begin. sending you love and light to wrap around your hurting heart beautiful woman. xoxox
Oh Lori. I'm just so. fucking. sorry. I'm clueless what to say for once, so I'm just sending tons and tons of love your way. And agreeing wholeheartedly with every comment above that has words like awesome, stoic, strong, amazing and brave. (Even if that word does make you want to throw a shoe at my head. See, the protection of the internet works both ways, mwahahaha!)
Thinking of you constantly,
Lots of love,
Sophie xxx
I wish I could give it back to you x
Hang in there. I believe you are moving towards a more peaceful time and place – even if you have to go through a bit more hell to get there.
Sending hugs and love your way.
Oh, love. The excavation of a life, moments of your past sorted, discarded or packed neatly away. It's like a slow re-living of everything.
Thinking of you. Loving you. xx
Happy Trails, Lori. Sending you strength and stamina!
xx
I fucking hate packing. I can not begin to imagine how you are doing this. Big, big love gorgeous woman xx
Ah, Lori. Such a hard thing to do. Such sadness. You've had a lifetime's share. Wishing you some peace and happiness on your new horizon.
Lori,what a precious memory to keep.
Your amazing hun….do all the crying you need too gosh you have been through so much,good luck with your move & your new place.
I feel your pain,it took me a very long time to pack my Son`s things away when he passed.
You have great friends & we love you….big hugs sweety.xx
A beautiful photo. I hope, one day, that you will be able to open that box and hang those precious photos xo
Lori – that photo is just gorgeous.
Oh hun.. I can only imagine how hard it is. Thiis is probably the best thing to do right now though. I hope you feel a lot better in the new house xx
hugs and love Lori. Packing sucks at the best of times but this is really really hard.
Honey I am glad that the good times are coming into your mind as you pack. Hold onto the good times, and say goodbye to the bad times. Your new life is coming in the new house, and you will soon be able to look at the good memories and smile instead of crying. Hugs.
Nothing to say just big big hugs.
Lovely photo Lori. A treasure.
One day, all will be better but in the meantime its going to be darkness with little pockets of light.
I think this is a great thing you are doing. Let the tears roll. Feel it all ((HUG))
Your pain, through the poetry of your words, is almost tangible Lori. And my hearts breaks a little more for you seeing that picture. I too would tape shut that Pandora's box for now, but hold out hope for you that one day you'll bear the strength to smaile at it again. May all the great things of the world await you xx
Hi mate theres not a lot left to say that you probably havent heard already, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us all, youve shown us that we are all capable of picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off no matter what….you might not think it now, but you are an inspiration to us…Di
Lucy is right, sweetheart – some people can't even think about touching their loved ones' stuff for years, let alone packing it away. I know you hate to be told you're brave, because you have no choice but to be brave. So instead of brave, I shall use the word 'stoic'. You are stoic, sweet girl, and amazing, and inspirational, and even when you don't want to be any of these things, you are. Sending my love as always xxxxx
Oh Lori – I do wish you lots of happiness in your new house. Good luck with the move. xxx
Such a beautiful photo of you and Toni. I hope your packing goes well. Hugs from me. XXOO
I hope the packing is in the least a little bit carthatic for you – i wish you every success with the next step in the dance…
That's a beautiful picture. I'm sorry you have to pack it up, but I'm guessing it would hurt more to have it out now. Still praying for you, still wish there were something I could do more than that.
It is sad that one day your life can be one way and the next it is all changed. Good luck with the move and stay strong. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I would save those pictures for the children but don't look at them for a while. It will just make you sad.
What a beautiful photo. xxx
It is a beautiful photo Lori and good luck with the rest of the packing.
A beautiful photo and memories to keep.
It's so hard, but I hope you don't feel like you're leaving it all behind for good.
It's ok to move forward, and still have all the memories of your purple life there, waiting for you, whenever you're ready.
Thinking of you and sending you love, strength, and peace.
xo Marianna
I agree with Casey, I'm glad you're keeping things and packing them away – whether you ever want to see them again is totally up to you. [hugs]
I'm glad you're leaving, hon. It must be incredibly difficult. They say the hardest things to deal with in life are death, divorce, and moving. You are dealing with pretty much all of those things, all at once. With other stuff thrown in too, for good measure.
I am so here for you right now. Text or call, if you need. Or smoke signal. Just think of something darkly inappropriate, and I'll be there
xoxox
You're amazing, Lori. I'm so glad I got to give you a big hug on the weekend. And to see you smile.
Step by step. Little by little. You're doing it, hon. And we're here with you – just like you said in your talk.
Gorgeous pic. xxx
This thing you are doing right now is something that most people who are grieving cannot attempt for YEARS. A mark of your gutsiness Lori. xxx
Packing is a bitch for anyone. But packing under these circumstances… I hope you have lots and lots of tissues. xxx
Such a lovely photo, packing things is a bit like therapy I think. x
Beautiful photo.
xxx
I'm glad that you're keeping a lot of the stuff, so that when you're ready they'll be there for you. I hope the packing helps you. Hugs
What a beautiful photo. So packing, packing away, good luck my lovely friend. big hugs.