December 2010

I wrote this post quite a while ago. It’s been sitting in my drafts folder ever since…

With physical pain, I am an animal.

You’ve seen this image before. You may not even know where, but it’s there, in the back of your mind. A dog, convulsing in agony, frenzied, pleading eyes rolled back, filled with the most basic elements of deep pain, and a desperate need for relief. Clawing. Snapping. Tearing at the hands that attempt to comfort them.

This is me.

My nan had to euthanize her dog not long ago. Her baby, her best mate. A friendly, fat and pleasant dog, who reminded me of a chubby toddler, full of bounce and eager to please.

He didn’t snap. Didn’t lash out. Not once. Not even when the cancer honeycombed his tiny hip bone, causing it to snap as my grandmother gently lifted him off the bed. He yelped, winced in pain, but did not sink his teeth into her flesh.

It was simply not in his nature; placid creature that he was.

Pain, it causes my facade to crack and crumble, to rot on it’s disciplined foundations. It shows the true landscape of my soul. I am not happy, not funny or kind, there is no optimism in me.

I am that first dog.

The rabid one.

The bitch.

Biting the hands that feeds me.

It’s not pretty.

Reeling, biting, gasping, contorting in pain. Yelling, snapping, behaving explicitly savage toward those who attempt to bring me comfort.

A lesson in empathy. A test of strength. The litmus test for future trials of the psychical nature, of a body that heals slowly and is aging quickly. A warning that I may need to be stronger than this, both physically and in character, to brace for future darkness.

Physical pain, it brings out the worst in me.

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On nom,

I don’t know exactly how I’ve missed this phenomenon. It seems I’m a little slow on the uptake. RRSAHM- Six months behind the cool kids. Or something. It happens a lot. Remember when I finally discovered Old Spice guy, quite a while after the rest of the interwebs? Yuhuh? Well, it has happened again.

Introducing, my new tv-man-crush…. Bear Grylls. You know- the guy who eats the head off live snakes from Man vs Wild.

*Ahem*.

Disclaimer- I saw this show for the very first time last night. Bear was eating the frozen, raw brains of a raw, frozen squirrel. In the snow, obviously.

Now, I’ve heard a lot about Man vs Wild, from various trendy trend setters who watch SBS and know what the go is. All the cool shoes are on SBS people- South Park, MythBusters, Man vs Wild. But for all I’d heard about it, I was expecting Bear to be… well.. old. A bit like Alby Mangel.

No one told me he was a spunk. A manly, useful, rugged, mountain climbing, snake eating, possibly-smelly-but-in-that-good-manly-way spunk.

*Sigh*.

The reason no one has told me this, I fear, is because the only person who thinks Bear Grylls is a total spunk is…. me. Highly possible. So, I’m going to totally rip off Mummy Mayhem, just this once, and do a poll…..

Hot…? ( He’d be good in a Holocaust, and could totally take care of you and keep you warm and I imagine he would be really good in bed).

or Not…? (He… erm…. eats some really strange things. And has been known to drink his own urine. But I’m sure we can ignore that.. right?)

Now, in the interest of integrity and all that good crap, I feel it’s only fair to let you all know that my mate Emma believes I only find Bear so devastatingly attractive because he is the spitting image- bar the accent- of the very First Guy I Ever Fell In Love With. I was tempted to pinch a photo from this guy’s FaceBook and put it up here for comparison, but decided that was probably not a good idea in this day and age of rampant litigation.

Whatever. What Emma says is true- Bear and the First Guy I Ever Fell In Love With are very, very much alike. Which makes the need for a poll even more pertinent. Or something.

Tell me, jellybeans…

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