I don’t consider myself married anymore.
Two months, and I’ve taken my wedding ring off.
Partly because it was just too painful to leave it on.
It would be different, I think, if Tony had died in an accident. If he hadn’t meant to leave us, leave me, with this.
I don’t think he did, really. Not the Tony I knew.
But he did leave us. He left me. And he meant to, he did it on purpose.
It feels like a divorce. Like he didn’t just leave me, he left me broken and alone and afraid and he did that out of spite.
And there’s nothing to forgive, but at the same time how can I ever forgive him for that…? For that spite, that hatred?
A divorce, then. A cutting of ties. Wedding vows, broken, stomped on, disregarded. In sickness and in health. he was there for me in my sickness…. why couldn’t I be there for him, too?
He just wouldn’t let me.
Our weddings vows were so short, sweet, simple. To love and care for one another. to keep life interesting.
For as long as we both shall live.
And that’s the difference here.
Part of me feels like we didn’t die, still married.
He broke those vows, divorced me, the second he put that rope around his neck.
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori i just stumbled on your blog and i'm heart broken for you and your children. I don't have and words of wisdom for you or good advice. i cant say i have ever been in your shoes or close to it. I do know by reading your posts that you are a strong person and i hope someday you will look back at these post and realize that.
I'm sure that although this feels like a divorce to Lori (which I totally get, in the early days, I was thinking to myself that it must feel this way, but didn't want to upset her by saying it), that doesn't mean that she's saying she isn't upset about Tony anymore, or doesn't care anymore.
If this were a divorce where Tony was still alive, I'm sure no one would bat an eyelid if she were to take her ring off in the same space of time. I'm 100% with Sarah on this. Some people wanted her to move on, now she's actually showing signs of it, it's all, 'how could you!?"
He made a choice to leave her in a really horrible way, and although she owes him nothing for what he's put her through, she still loves him.
Just because you were Tony's friend doesn't mean that Lori's feelings are any less important or valid. She's the one left to pick up all the pieces, and I say good on her for giving it her best shot.
Also, I've learnt over the years that people who don't deal with their grief well, usually find some poor victim to take their anger and grief out upon.
All I can say to those of you on here who are obviously doing that, is move along. Go face your grief honestly and stop kicking a woman when she's at the lowest point in her life
Hey Anon, "…this post WOULD break his heart" – my caps. 'Would' is the operative word here. By considering the departed's 'feelings' above the one left with the biggest mess to clean, you are essentially prioritising your own feelings. Why in blue fuck should Lori walk on eggshells out of deference to a heart that doesn't beat any more – let alone have the capacity to break?
Admit it. It hurts YOU to read this stuff. Simple answer – don't read.
I have been through what Lori is going through, and 10 years on, I'm still angry. Feelings don't always heed logic or dissenting opinion. You can SAY any manner of things to assuage others, but then you'd be lying to them – and most importantly – yourself.
This kind of purging, raw honesty to self is exactly what it takes to heal healthily. Lori's readers are not her responsibility. If you have a problem with this – HER virtual House of Words – I would advise taking ownership of your own reactions. She doesn't do this to you – you do it to yourself by reading. Making this about you actually seems rather narcissistic.
I understand you are hurting. I'm sorry you are hurting. Try your best to heal without relying on how another's mode of healing makes you feel.
Dear anonymous bastards (I think you know who you are) if you really are Tony's 'friends' and 'family' (as opposed to just random disturbed weirdos) then I'm not surprised he didn't feel like he could share his problems with you. If I was surrounded by people with zero compassion, negative empathy, who would rather any uncomfortable truths were swept under the carpet and Were unbelievably judgemental even in the face of the most horrific tragedy I wouldn't exactly be dropping by to share my problems either. Has it occurred to you that if you were a better more supportive friend he might have talked to you? Has it occurred to you that what would be hurting him now is the callous behaviour of his so called friends towards his grieving widow when complete strangers are doing their best to support her? No? What's that? You don't like being judged and blamed for your 'friend's' suicide? You don't like people telling you how you should behave? If you don't like what you're reading close your browser window. If only Lori's problems were that easily solved.
thepixiechick
Love you Lori.
I still consider myself married (as opposed to widowed) but then, my husband died in different circumstances. I am going to have to come to terms with this at some point …. just not yet.
Anon needs to pull his/ her head in. Anon – your complete and utter ignorance, lack of common sense and compassion is showing. (In other news, so is your woeful command of the English language – learn the difference between homophones like 'we're', 'wear' and 'where' please!)
Ooh the anon poster strikes again.
People were hassling Lori to move on before Tony had been gone for 6 weeks & now? Now that she is, she's coping abuse again. WTF is wrong with you "anon" people? You will never be happy with this situation, never. She moves too slowly, she moves too quickly. Seriously Anon, how do you think she should be moving? In all honesty, what do you expect of her. You say you are a friend… Have you been there? Have you hugged her, asked her how her day was, offered to help? Or have you just sat on the sidelines cowardly writing anonymous comments that cause her even more grief? Anon commenters were telling Lori to grow up, I think you should do exactly that.
Lori hun, I think this is an amazingly strong move. I understand it completely, well as much as someone outside the situation can. You write it so it makes sense, so we can understand. We all know you love him dearly & will forever but some things you need to do.
@Anonymous – don't you think LORI's heart is broken to have to write this? and she is trying to heal it in the best way she knows how?? Don't like it don't read and stop hiding behind "anonymous".
Lori I have read and read and read for months and haven't posted because I have literally thought "this is fucked and what can I do". My heart breaks for you all every day but I wanted you to also know that I think what you are doing is SO important.
I listen to Triple J and yesterday on hack they talked about suicide prevention and mental illness. Suicide is our biggest killer of young people and we don't talk about it enough. Person after person came onto the program stating people need to TALK about suicide. Young people need to know there are choices there for them, they need to know they aren't alone and if they are affected by suicide in their lives they need to know there are others out there to support them when it impacts their lives.
The whole time while I was listening I thought of you. Strong, brave, outspoken woman who is doing exactly what need to be done to make an impact in our communities for men in particular who see no way out. I think as time goes on and continue healing you will continue making a significant impact on people. Small comfort when you have lost your soul mater, best friend and lover and I cannot imagine your pain or anguish but know that people are continually holding your hand. xoxo
Tanstar
You want judgement anonymous, what about who put her into the place she is right now. Choose your side carefully. And don't throw stones in glasshouses.
Lori – please please please, keep writing, keep feeling.
We are all still here
Leanne xo
"he was there for me in my sickness…. why couldn't I be there for him, too? He just wouldn't let me."
Oh, hon. That just brings instant tears. Very, very sad. I am so sorry for your broken heart. Ignore the ignorant. Please, just ignore them. You're on the right track, you know it deep down (even if sometimes you can't even see the path you thought you were slowly stepping). Trust that it's there, you'll get through this. Big hugs.
Anonymous- fuck off. i wish he hadn't hung himself. That broke my heart, and his mothers. If you don't like it, then by all means never come here again. I'm not going to stop writing what i feel. Again, fuck off.
Anonymous……don't read this blog anymore if it bothers you. I simply don't get people that read a blog that they say pisses them off, feel like they can criticize said blog and complain about how what they are reading here bothers them. Don't read it then!
This is Lori's way of healing from a horrible life event and she's doing what she can to try to live with the pain. No one, no one, can ever critize her for how she feels and how she handles it. She's entitled to handle her loss however she can. If taking off her wedding ring and feeling like she's divorced is helping her, then so be it. This may change in another few weeks/months, etc as she continues to work through her pain.
I think it's wrong that her husband hanged himself in front of her and her child and people are judging how she's handled herself since then. I would be writing my thoughts too, if someone I loved more than life itself decided to do something as horrific as that in front of me and my children. Writing is cathartic to many people and Lori has every right to put her thoughts out there for this- it can be very healing. If you don't like it Anonymous, don't read her blog anymore- all you are doing is upsetting yourself and that can be avoided by simply STOPPING!
Honestly people Lori is putting her words out there, your all allowed to have an opinion so here's mine, not everyone is going to agree with what she has to say all the time. As Tonys friend I know for a fact this post would brake his heart along with his mothers. I wish you wouldn't put such harse blogs up for all his loved ones to see, I mean isn't there a more private way to do your business? Speak to your mother, councilor friends other family members? If your so desperate for someone to know. I think it's wrong. There i said it I've been reading your blog since u started & never commented even though there have been Many times i have been beyond furious!
I can understand how you feel like this. For now, it's what is right for you and thats all that matters. As with everything, there is no right or wrong, only what works for you, what feels the most fitting.
I came over to see how you were doing and I'm feeling a little odd as I just got told about a work friend who finds herself in the same situation, last night her husband left her with their 3yo and her expecting their 2nd. And I just feel numb. Sorry, an unhelpful comment, sorry but I just can't understand and not sure how to help, or what to say. Maybe, over time, reading your journey could help her I don't know. x
Lori, my thoughts are with you. I totally respect you for writing this down, putting it out there, regardless of the fact that sanctimonious tossers like the first anonymous above feel the need to pour their selfish vitriol onto you. Keep doing what you need to do Lori, feeling what you need to feel and sod ANYONE else's opinions. This is not about them. It was your marriage – not theirs. Keep going, lady – you're doing good xxxx
To the first Anonymous,
(Lori I apologize if I'm out of line butting in on this)
You can't understand Loris thinking and wheres her loyalty? ffs Have you not read what this poor woman and her children are going through?
How dare you judge her until you've walked a mile in her shoes. I think she can do what ever the hell she likes really. My gosh how bloody rude of you.
Obviously, I meant to start that final sentence with "I'm not sure…"
To Anonymous above, I think you'll find marriage vows are usually "till death do us part." And given the extenuating circumstances I think Lori, in particular, is entitled to feel how she feels. I'm sure what good you feel posting such a hateful comment could do.
2 months and you consider yourself divorced I don't understand your thinking at all. You where with him for 5 yrs & it has taken you this short of time to move away from your commitment. Where is a wifes loyalty I ask. This sounds harsh but I dont even know how u could even consider it.
I also agree with Marianna Annadanna and Jaqi.
It's okay to put the wedding ring away, but never forget where it is.
Wow, I have just found your blog. I am not sure how I found it. I hope for you, I send my thoughts for your tough time. I send love from above.
Thinking of you still Lori. If you don't feel you can forgive something, who says you have to? Maybe you will in time, but there's no set agenda. Do you still sit in the garage & talk to Tony? Tell him you're pissed at him! Eventually you'll find you don't have the energy for the anger, because without realising it, your energy will all focussed on other stuff & when that day comes I will fly out there & do a little happy dance with you
But until then, just let the anger in, once a day, for five minutes. And then walk away from it until the same time tomorrow.
Love & hugs
Sophie xxx
Thinking of you today. I can't imagine the grief associated with your ring. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry. There is something to forgive. He hurt your horribly, and the fact that he's not around to ask for forgiveness doesn't mean he doesn't need it. Or maybe you need it. Or maybe it's just a matter of forgiving God for putting you through this. Either way I've found forgiveness is an important part of grieving.
Hope this helps, if it doesn't please ignore me.
i just want to say that i am still here, reading, thinking, praying and hoping. i support you.
i also agree with a couple of posters. the letting go of the need to forgive- not even permanently but just letting go for now- i think could be a relief. but its your experience and i again, support what you need to feel.
also… its like the man when he was ill became the opposite of himself. i dont think his actions were about you, no matter what he said- i think they must have been about him and where he was mentally, and maybe just needing some space or quiet. i dont think he got what he was doing….
i dont know if any of that helps.
i just wanted you to know that i am listening, and supporting.
much love
dear lori-
The Man i read about before almost seems like the exact opposite of the man who did this to you and your family. i agree with the others who think that it was not about him and not you, no matter what he said.
i do know that where ever he is, he is so sorry.
… i guess the whole point of this comment is to let you know that i think about you and pray for you so often, and that i am still reading and still hoping and still supporting.
much love.
Hi Lori,
I have nothing that I can say that I can think would help you in anyway…what you are going through is entirely unfathomable to me, so I am just going to tell you that I am rooting for you (and so are lots of others)…and wishing you strength.
You know what you are going through and what you need to do, and do what feels right for you.
Much love,
Trisha
Hey Lori, been reading for a while but never commented. I just wanted to tell you that your writing is incredible – so raw and uncensored…you have a real gift.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs, Vicki x
Hugs
You don't need to forgive him pumpkin….you can be angry and hurt. It doesn't stop the love…it doesn't change the fact you loved and will always love him. He chose wrong, and sadly it wasn't a choice he could ever apologize for. But he's still with you honey….if he is as willful in the afterlife as he was in this one, he'll be sticking to you like glue…look for little signs of hope. Little points of joy…and he'll be there. He'll always be there. Just not in the way he promised.
xoxoxo
I don't know what to say except do what you feel is right for you.xxx
I'm so sorry, Lori. Having a partner stomp and crap all over your marriage vows stinks. I will never understand that.
really
I can't fathom the loss you're feeling – it must feel so empty – sadness mixed with anger, grief, love and devastation.
I know you will get through with your babies.
As Winston Churchill would say you have plenty of this: "Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities… because it is the quality which guarantees all others." It may not be much of a consolation but courage will get you through this. xxx
You have so many impossible emotions to deal with, that can't be an easy thing to do. I imagine it would always be hard, but I hope that it's getting a tiny bit easier for you each day. xox
"They" say that death is easier than divorce. I am not sure who "they" are. But I think that in yours and Tony's case, it is too horribly blurred to be true.
xx
I think the months that lead up to what happened must have been incredibly intense and torturing for both of you.
I haven't read every day but I suspect a LOT was going on and whatever way you find to deal with it is right, Lori.
I have had to separate very drastically from someone who meant a lot to me once. it was too bad. For me, that person is dead now.
Such an interesting concept – I wish I could offer more insight or wisdom. But I'm thinking of you…
I think there are some things we may never be able to wrap our minds around, and this can include the thought processes of someone who is in a space we've never occupied. I don't know what to say, other than I understand the need to try to work it all out. Love you, babe. xx
I'm with Marianna and Jacqui – this was less about you and more about him. For him.
Sarah xxx
I'd think Tony leaving you was less about leaving *you*, and more about freeing *himself*… escaping from all the pain and distress he was in.
Although he may have said some things to the contrary, you must know the real Tony, *your* Tony, wouldn't have wanted to punish you like this.
Still sending you LOVE, STRENGTH, and PEACE,
Marianna
*HUGS*
This is how you feel now.
Honor the feeling and the choices at the moment.
Put the wedding ring away but know where it is.
You never say never ..apparently & one day, you may choose not divorced.
Two steps forward, one back. Still cheering you on girl xxx
I understand right now that your trying to make sense of it all. You need a reason, a motive and answers! Lori, healing eventually will help you accept that no matter how painful or how mean it is, you might not get your answer.
You deserve one more than anything.
It seems like Perth has started to help you heal.
Much love to you gorgeous.
I always assumed divorce was worse than widowed because it is rejection rather than forced seperation. I had a friend whose divorced husband died from a heart atatck a while after they divorced she said for the children dealing with death seemed easier than dealing with split parents, they coped better, they were no longer torn between two parents. Is this relevant to you? probably not, just the train of thought you put me on. Love to you XXX
I agree with Marianna Annadanna. From all you've said, it seems to me you know him very well…you know he loved you and those babies. The man I've read about would never have wanted the three of you to hurt or want for anything. And he wouldn't want to hurt the rest of his family or his friends either. Sending you thoughts of peace.
one of the best things EVER I was told when I was dealing with extreme pain caused by my partner was that I should let go of the need to forgive. What he did was unforgiveable according to my code so why should I forgive? It didn't mean that I should hang on to my anger and pain – it just meant that I could let go of the burden of having to forgive. Fuck! The freedom I felt when I listened to that advice. It took a while but it did take me to a gentler place.
Not sure what to say Lori. It is still all so impossible to comprehend xo