I eat my feelings, swallow my emotions in great big gulps. I sit on them to muffle their sharpness.
Because it’s easier than dealing with them.
I am breaking my mother‘s heart, moving so far away, and I hate myself for it.
Never mind, there are boxes to pack.
In the back of my mind, I corrode myself with worry over what will happen to this relationship of mine, that feels as though it’s never been tested by real life.
But I’ll think about that later. There a dozen phone calls to be made, right now.
Suddenly, I am seeing my friends all the time. We are soaking up each other’s company before I leave.
And days keep ticking over, tumbling forward one after the other.
I watch my son’s excitement become coated in crystallised apprehension. I watch as he, like me, eats his feelings without chewing them, and swallows them down.
And I do my best to ignore it, because I’m not sure how else to cope with it.
Reality will come later. Right now there is packing to be done, lists to write, organising to do. A hundred reasons to not have to face what’s painful.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I do exactly the same thing, its part of the reason why I write on my blog. I try to processmy ffeelings that way.
Sometimes, especially as a mother, we have to switch over to an autopilot of sorts. ticking things off of very long to do lists so as to ignore the swirling emotions inside of us that threaten to eat up days and weeks of our very busy lives if we let them pick at us all too soon.
Miss Pink recently posted…Sometimes
Mums worry. It’s what we do. (You know this, too, as a mum.)
I’ve moved across the ocean twice now, from my mother, and she has forgiven me both times.
But really, there is nothing to forgive, for she knows that this is our path right now, and the love never ends, and the distance makes the hugs that much sweeter when they happen.
Have as much fun as it is possible to have, packing and moving! It will be ok.
Just breathe. Take a deep breath and breathe, my love. Moving is hard at the best of times! But moving interstate, away from your mum who has been such a massive support to you is just huge. But look at yourself lori! Couple of years ago who would of thought this is where you’d be. I know it’s scary but look at all the beautiful new and exciting opportunities for you! Think of how exciting it will be when your mum visits you in your new abode! Or when you go back and visit her with the kids! ITs all very exciting! I know though, from many moves myself, until you are there, boxes unpacked and you can put your feet up, you will feel stressed. As for your relationship, we all know that your relationship could fall apart just as easily without a move as it could with a move. Unfortunately with anxiety we like to be able to control EVERYTHING. And when we can’t it throws us into a massive massive spin. Just remember to what your shrink would of said to you a thousand times babe. Focus on the NOW. You can do this. Hell, you ARE doing this.
I think when this all works out your mother will have great peace. To witness her beloved daughter and grandchildren living a life with love and joy will compensate the physical distance between you. You all will have Skype and visits to look forward too. I hope this turns out to be one of the best things you’ve ever done with no room for anyone to have a broken heart. xox