Free Fall.

by Lori Dwyer on March 28, 2011 · 55 comments

Eventually, if you’re going fast enough, you are going smack straight into the wall.

I’ve run, and run… and here I am. There’s no further to run, from this point.

There is nowhere else to go.

I’ve left my life behind, and I have to start again.

This is just too fucking difficult, right now.

I’m exhausted. The reality of what has happened, what is happening, right now…. it’s sinking in.

I’ve never felt so alone, so afraid of the future, in my whole life.

What the hell am I doing here? The surreal quality of being here, of living in HomeTown again… it just adds to the vertigo.

Free falling. Life, as I knew it.. it’s over.

And while the rush of the free fall is exhilarating… it’s lonely out here, in the stratosphere.

What the fuck? How did this happen? Is this really me, living this… surely it has to be a bad dream?

I miss Tony so much, right now.. but it’s different, easier here. Easier to grieve for him. Easier to remember that he loved me, without a thousand people thinking he didn’t.

I’m a broken woman. I think of an adjective to describe myself right now… and ‘broken’ is the only one that comes to mind.

The adrenalin, the strength, the bravery… all that, I feel like I left behind at the Purple House that isn’t purple anymore. The reality of living here, in this tiny Cottage…

It’s beautiful, and relaxed. It’s a lovely place to live. We have kangaroos on our front lawn, and a handful of beaches to choose from. The kids and the dog adore it, having a big yard, and so much space. We have family just a few doors down.

But then there’s so much to do. Phone calls to make, mail to be redirected. Unpacking to finish. The Internet connection is slower than dial up, the TV reception is non-existent, and I don’t have a freaking dishwasher. I’ve moved the contents of a three bedroom, two storey house into a four bedroom, one story house, but no matter how much stuff I get rid of, it still refuses to fit in the storage space I have.

I know, petty, useless concerns, especially compared with what I’ve already been through. But I am so tired, so overwhelmed, so shell shocked by what’s happened- take away my creature comforts and you’ll floor me. I’m sick of being brave, being strong. I’m sick of getting on with it. I’m sick of having to make all the decisions, do all this stuff, when it was not so long that I had my big, strong husband here to help me, to do the hard stuff for me, to allow me to feel weak and vulnerable and miserable if I needed to.

I don’t really have that option right now.

And that’s all I want to do.

Curl up in a ball, and sob, and sob, with someone’s strong arms around me.

And wait for the bone crushing thud at the end of the free fall.

post signature

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }

Maxabella March 31, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Lori, you don't need the strong arms around you, they are attached to you. x


iMags March 30, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Lori, hope your new house is helping you apply some much needed band aids to your broken heart.

I just read a post elsewhere where we are discussing media silence on suicide, and it contained this link. Maybe there is something there that will become meaningful for you, be it help for you, or help for their cause from you.

Take care of yourself, Chop and Bump.
Lots of love from us.


Being Me March 30, 2011 at 3:02 pm

It might feel like 1000 people thought that about him (you). But it's only a very few, in reality. If there is annnnything I can impart that is useful at all to you today, please believe me when I say: focus on the scores of good people in your life – good readers, good family members, good friends and supporters – and not those very few. I know it feels like a thousand. And it will continue to feel like they are the majority ruling (when in reality they are not) unless you put them outta mind as much as they are now (mercifully) outta sight.

And, what Kellogsville said xxxx Love to you and a gentle hug.


Fe March 30, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Just breathe, lovely girl.

As we talked about at AUSBLOGCON… I spend a lot of time in your new neck of the woods.

Want me to bring the boys down for a visit?

Fe xx


Andrea March 30, 2011 at 7:22 am

What watershedd said reminded me of something – you teach yoga right?? Try Viparita karani …..your adrenal system could probably do with the help. Geeta Iyengar says if she could get the western world to do any yoga pose it would be this one….

just a thought. hug


Watershedd March 29, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Adrenalin is immensely draining. It keeps you going, but when it goes, you are exhausted. Being in hometown is good, somewhere that teh adrenalin is not needed so much, somewhere you stil have postiive feelings about. Sit there a while, where you ahve other who care for you all. The sea is amazingly healing. Wishing it brings you peace. Me and my GOFA.


Suz March 29, 2011 at 9:17 pm

love just love Lori x


Stinky March 29, 2011 at 8:57 pm

leaving some love . . .


Cate March 29, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Hugs and love from across the ditch xxx


Justine March 29, 2011 at 7:39 pm

hun, don't underestimate the impact of all those 'little' things – they are actually huge! and on top of all the awfulness you've been going through. Hugs. We're thinking of you…


Watercolor March 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Slow down if you can now and just breathe. Hugs!!!


Leanne March 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

*Sigh*. I have no words. Just virtual hugs.


E. March 29, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Nothing much to say here but really wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.


Lillian2611 March 29, 2011 at 10:30 am

Lori, I'm about to move, too. I'm driving about 4,500km, from the east coast of Canada to the west, and I've had to make the same decisions you did about 'things': do I pack them, do I donate them, do I store them, do I sell them? It's been the most stressful two weeks of my life.

And that's despite not having any children and not having grief and guilt and all the rest.

What you've done is extraordinary and you'll see that soon enough. Do not have any doubts about how hard your move is/was. You've done something that required remarkable strength.


Andrea March 29, 2011 at 10:03 am

Park the kids with the relies down the road…and go down to the beach and let go for a bit. Yell, scream, Cry, sob, then stand up and breath the ocean air, breath it in deep….arms out, chest up and shoulders back and breath deep, run around even, get dizzy, fall in a heap….just make sure you breath in ocean air.

If it makes you feel a bit better…then maybe find your inner silly crazy woman and run into the water fully clothed and get wet, or just park your bum in the dunes and stare at the ocean. Think of the timelessness of whales moving through the ocean. It's whale migration season soon. In a few months they will head up the coast. Probably they will head past your stretch of coast too.

Who cares what anyone thinks. You've done really well, making big decisions, putting it all into action, getting to home town, keeping on taking one step at a time….

You deserve to let it go for a bit!

Sending you a big hug.


alliecat March 29, 2011 at 9:44 am

Moving is stressful at the best of times, and this is of course far from the best of times. give yourself time, it doesn't matter if boxes lay unpacked for a while.

Thinking of you, sending you strength. In the meantime, maybe venture outside with those kiddies and dog, get some sunshine, some sand.



Leanne March 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

When I moved from my small country town back to the coast, I was so homesick.

You have been through so much and worse and you are now in a new place. That place can and will become home, but go gently and give yourself time.

Sending huge love and hugs and support, even though you don't know me.

Leanne xo


Photographer Mum March 29, 2011 at 8:42 am

Prayers and wishes to you. I hope Home Town gives you the peace, love & support you need right now. Take it slow and just be.
Lots of love


Lavender Hearts March 29, 2011 at 8:06 am

If I had one wish right now, it'd be for you to have those strong arms around you. Fall safely Lori, know that, even if it's a poor second, we're all here, willing you on and sending you love.
Gayle x


ss2306 March 29, 2011 at 7:59 am

Just say "FUCK IT" Lori. Fuck it all! And then just sit and breathe for a bit. It'll all wait for you when you are ready. Hope that feels a tiny bit better. xxx


Kelloggsville March 29, 2011 at 5:07 am

Just stop still for a moment. Moving house is one of the most stressful things on the list of stressful things to do. Add that stress to your current stresses and it's gonna hurt really bad. Take the kids to the beach, ignore the boxes and the internet and stop trying to sort it all out. It doesn't have to all happen immediately, you don't have to prove you can do it all effortlessly because it's bloody hard work. Ripped knuckles and heavy boxes and out of routine kids and shops different, it's all hard. Take a timeout and you may find some inner strength to regroup and start again. Oh how we wish we could send you those wrap you up arms. Sending wrap you up prayers today and always xxx


In Real Life March 29, 2011 at 2:56 am



Cassondra March 29, 2011 at 2:51 am

I've run into that before. How does my two bedroom apartment worth of stuff not fit in this three bedroom house? I ended up making a junk room out of one of the bedrooms that lasted over two years. I would go in and try to sort through stuff occasionally, and on a good day would clear two square feet of floor space. I finally made it through, but I wish I'd done it faster. Don't worry, even if you have to have a junk room, or junk something, it's ok. I kept having people tell me that at the end of a year if I hadn't used it then I should give it to Goodwill, and a lot of it did get donated. I have faith that you can clear your junk space faster than I did.

Love and prayers,


thatblogyoudo March 29, 2011 at 1:13 pm

My thoughts about you, my best wishes for you, sending you cyber hugs. PS get that bike back ASAP.


Marianna Annadanna March 29, 2011 at 1:36 am

If the children love it, and if you feel a little calmer, a little less on edge, a little more free to be *yourself*, that's a good thing.

The rest will fall into place, bit by bit. But if you can find at least *some* tranquility in Hometown, you can build on it. And I know you will.

Sending Love, Strength, and Peace,
xo Marianna


Catherine F. March 29, 2011 at 12:42 am

Hey beautiful one, all I can say is to focus on what's in front of you …. next meal, next box to start unpacking, next bathtime and know that each step you take is a huge achievement and is supported by all of us here in blogworld. Remember to breathe, especially that healing salt air.


Toots March 29, 2011 at 12:20 am

Oh honey, of COURSE you're crashing your body & brain have been in survival mode & now your instincts have got you somewhere safe, your system is letting the panic in. Ever has a relief migraine? Or known you were getting sick but somehow held it off until after some event? Same thing. Now you know you're in a safe, secure place & your babies are secure, your body is allowing everything that it's been staving off to come in.

But remember, this is happening because you ARE in the right place now. If you didn't instinctively know that, you'd still be in flight mode.

Love you awesome girl,
Sophie xxx


JulieCottle March 28, 2011 at 11:49 pm

You don't have to cope or be strong all the time, especially now. Fall, be caught by the people who love you and you'll be on your way back up again in your own time. I'm no expert but I think that just getting out of bed every day is a win so soon after such a traumatic loss.


Dorothy March 28, 2011 at 11:47 pm

The grief will catch up with you sooner or later… You just have to let it…. It's OK to stop being brave and let the grief wash over you. Get some time to yourself and let the tears flow and scream and shout and bang your fists on the floor. Eventually it will feel better… I don't know when, but it will… (((Hugs)))


Melissa March 28, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Oh this post is so heartbreakingly sad. Hang in there, dear girl. Moving is so hard – even under the best of circumstances. Hang in there – it will get better, that's for sure. Just hang in, hold on – one thing at a time.


Carly Findlay March 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Hang in there Lori. you can do this. it will be hard. but you can do this.
take it slowly, be kind to yourself xx


thelexhex March 28, 2011 at 11:12 pm



E March 28, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Here's hoping that little cottage brings you lots of healing. xoxo


SJ March 28, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Best wishes times infinity.


Melissa March 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I have nothing useful – just another voice among the masses, thinking of you still. Every day.


robyn March 28, 2011 at 9:42 pm

No words…. but I'm really praying for you and thinking of you.


Sarah March 28, 2011 at 9:33 pm

You must be so exhausted Lori – all that adrenalin, all that coping, the packing up, moving in, caring for your babies, surviving. I hope the fresh air and the beaches and kangaroos on your lawn and family round the corner all conspire to give you a safe place to slowly, gently, little by little, mend.


edenland March 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I want to come and visit. I want to make you laugh inappropriately again. I want to just sit with you, as your mood and aura changes from bright to dark to ok to black. To ok again.

And I won't even flinch. I want to reach back in time and give Tony a slap. I want to reach back in time and give Tony the biggest hug. I wish he poured his heart out to someone – anyone. It would have made all the difference in the world. In your world.

I want to reach forward into the future and look at your beautiful smile and see how it lights up your whole face. Then I'll know that you are ok.

You are ok.

That ridiculous saying … "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Well that may be true … but life certainly does. Life is an arsehole.


PS When's your girls weekend up here? I'm waiting.


Hear Mum Roar March 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

You don't have to have everything perfect in one day, babe:) We moved in here a year ago, and still have a couple of boxes that need unpacking. Give yourself time.

You'll get a little bit done each day, and in time, you'll be settled in. I'm glad you have at least a tiny bit of a relaxed vibe going on. Give yourself time to let that feeling grow.

Yep, you're still broken, but at least you have the freedom here to BE broken. Then, when you feel less broken, you can be something else next. You can be anything here. No one is judging you here.


cassey March 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Hugs, big ones.


Hope’s Mama March 28, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Grief is such an unrelenting bitch. I'm just so sorry you are living this nightmare. Different to my nightmare, but so much of this I could relate to.


Kristina Hughes March 28, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I'm not surprised you're exhausted – all that and a house move too. Perhaps rock bottom is a good place to start from. Like a little seedling unfurling from the earth, tiny and delicate to begin with, and then – as the roots get stronger – so will your new, fresh, different life. I hope that, in time, you and your kids will be able to reach up to the sunshine and find the happiness you all deserve.
Thinking of you


Brenda March 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Hugs and more hugs, honey.xxxxx


Becky March 28, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Hugs and love to you and your children xo


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow March 28, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I keep thinking this is a bad dream and I'm not even involved, so I can understand how you feel like you're in a perpetual nightmare.
Everything you're doing now, especially the writing, is feathering the landing & creating a softer place for you to land – it will help reduce the bone crashing thud to a bone-jarring thud.


Alex March 28, 2011 at 8:26 pm

You're so brave Lori. I admire your strength and attitude. One day it will be okay, until that day it's just one breath at a time.


Miss Pink March 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Oh gosh. I just want to come and cuddle you and hold you and let you cry it all out. Let you draw strength from me.
Maybe the lack of internet and television is a good thing? Might give you time to just be.
How are you support wise? Are you ok? Is there anything that i can do? I'm happy to give you my number if you want someone to talk to, to listen.


deardarl March 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I hear you.
My garage flooded last year. Repeatedly.
Greg had been dead for 7 months and I was doing OKish …as OKish as you can get in early widowhood …. and then the water came in again and again.
and it kept coming in every time it rained.
I spend the Christmas holidays sweeping water out of my house and resetting siphons and pumps every few hours. It was the flooding that drove me to the edge of sanity.
Slowly I got on top of it. I called a friend who put in a big drain. I am in the process of fixing more stuff so water cannot come in again.
I'm doing OK now. Me, my kids and I.
….and I hope … if by nothing more than the sheer force of my will.. that given time and a few useful friends, you will be OK too.


Lauren Finn March 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Love and light Lori. It will get better. I posted this on my blog for a friend battling cancer – its my abbreviated version of an Irish blessing – you need it too. It's not a religious thing – its just a thing.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.


Karen March 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

You are going through some of the most worst stress inducing things possible for all of us. Death (suicide worst, me thinks) AND a MOVE!
Nothing worse!
Take small steps, and breathe… We are keeping you in our thoughts!


Lucy March 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Oh babe. Get onto the property manager and get a dishwasher installed? I am skuppered to offer any real advice. Just know I am here if you need to talk. xx


Veronica March 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Love. xxx


Trisha March 29, 2011 at 1:20 am

Hi Lori,

It has been said beautifully but I just wanted to add another voice of support and tell you that you will get through this.

We are here for you.


Mrs Woog March 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Seriously, this is a good move for you. Might not seem like it now, but I have a good feeling about this Lori. Look at me Lori! It is all going to be ok. But just not now xx


Ðéví March 28, 2011 at 8:36 pm

*hugs* *more hugs*
There is a community around you, in Home Town. New people, maybe old, familiar faces. Draw them around you, don't do it all on your own.

You are doing something amazingly hard. *hugs again*


Previous post:

Next post: