Fuck You Too.

by Lori Dwyer on February 1, 2011 · 176 comments

Edit– And thanks to the fucking awesome commenter who left this one. Please, as I said, Fuck Off.

No, I haven’t wondered why suicide isn’t reported in the news. I know. I’ve studied siocial work, if any of you think you know me that well, you would know that.

Go, Google fucking LifeLine if you have a problem. Call them. This is my space, my life, my FUCKING REALITY. And it is fucking real. And I’m sorry- not, actually, but whatever- but anyone else’s mental health is not my fucking consideration at the moment.

After what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen, you expect me to be able to show in depth consideration on the sociological ramifications of talking about suicide?

Maybe that’s half the fucking problem. We don’t talk, not ever. This is too real, too fucking difficult. 

Well, as I said- fuck you.

I have blogged, honestly, every day, for over a year a now. About everything.

You expect me to stop because a subject is taboo?

You really don’t know me at all.

Oh, and by the way, my shrink- the professional, the one who does know all the in’s and outs of this- assures me, in no uncertain therms, that this is morte likely to help people, than hurt them. That mentioning, or talking about suicide, doesn’t set it off, but instead releases the pressure.

And she says- fuck you, too.

My awesome mate Jodie blogged about me this morning. Thank you, Jodie. I love you.

This post is in response, partly, to the email Jodie received, which she has updated her post about.

I’m sure that emailer is not the only one who thinks that way.

Excuse me while I say, with all rationality and clarity, whether this person consider themselves an online ‘friend’ of mine or not- Fuck you.

You really think reading the ugliness of reality, of suicide is going to trigger someone? Thanks so much for putting that out there. Really. For a person with zero self esteem like I have, that fucking helps.

Is it better to speak, or not to speak? Is it better to be silent? Would you rather me pretend this didn’t happen? I take no responsibility for anyone’s else’s actions. No one is so powerful that a blog post can prompt someone to suicide if that weren’t already at that point.

Do you not fucking get that? Have you read fucking nothing I’ve written? Why should I be quiet? Why should I not blog this, the way I have with the rest of my life, over the last year? Do you expect me to keep it quiet?

This is my reality. This is my truth. I don’t give a flying fuck what you think, if it makes you uncomfortable, if you, from your righteous, all-knowing point of view feel the right to judge that.

Go where I’ve been. Walked where I’ve walked. Watch your husband fucking hang himself, and then you may judge me and what I write.

And as for anyone’s concerns over my children- a much bigger- FUCK YOU.

I am their mother. They are three and one year’s old.

Do you think, by the time their old enough to research this, that they won’t know the details of their father’s death? Do you think this will be kept a secret?

Do you think I won’t tell them the fucking truth?

What harm will it be, to know their mother was human? To know that their mother hurt, and pined, and this was an awful, awful thing?

Do you think they won’t know that already?

Once again, do not judge me. Any of you. Don’t you dare. Walk where I’ve walked, been where I’ve been, be who I am, and then you may judge me.

Until then, your concerns are pointless. Worth nothing. You know nothing of my life, but what I blog here.

I refuse to be held responsible for other people’s actions. (Fuck you).

My children are my children, and my fucking concern. I know I am the best possible mother they could have, to get them through this. Why is everyone always so fucking worried, about our children seeing what we write on our blogs? Aren’t they people, too? One day, they will be older, and have their own emotions, perspectives and ideals. And I don’t mind the thought of them knowing mine, years down the track, when their old enough.

Feeling the way I am is nothing to be ashamed of. The fucking reality of this is nothing to be ashamed of.

One day, my children will have their own truth. This will always be a part of it.

This is my fucking truth, and I refuse to hide from it.

Again, cordially, fuck you. Your concerns are worth nothing. You see what I show you, don’t patronise me by thinking you know better, here, in this situation, than I do.

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{ 176 comments… read them below or add one }

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Jade February 8, 2013 at 10:36 am


I’ve just found your blog, and I’d like to say one thing.

Thank you.

I have severe depression that is only helped by everything going completely to plan. For the last two weeks, my baby has been completely unmanagable, not sleeping and generally just driving me to the edge. Reading your posts have made me realise what I’d be doing to my husband, to my kids, if I did give in.

No one ever thinks of the ‘survivors’, but you have made me think of it.

The only way we’re going to beat this is by talking about it.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.


Anonymous February 8, 2013 at 4:18 pm

Jade- thanks for your comment. Hang in there. Please. xxxxx


Anonymous January 7, 2013 at 7:45 am



Anonymous October 29, 2012 at 10:31 pm

This is a long time past when you wrote this blog, but it is still helping … I'm thinking of showing it to my husband, then HE might realise, how I feel… He's been having depression episodes for 3-4 years now,and although he's under the car of a good shrink, he keeps expecting the shrink to 'fix' him… He nee to do the work that is set for him, or he will never get better. I KNOW coz my own depression needs constant vigilance against triggers…

THANKYOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU, For not only blogging this but leaving it here, raw and REAL xoxo


s August 22, 2011 at 1:17 am

A-fucking-men, Sister.

I am so tired of the idea that anyone's truth about anything should be hidden.
When I've been the closest to a suicide, I always want to hold up the aftermath to the world and say LOOK – THIS IS THE REALITY OF WHAT COMES AFTER.
If you are thinking about doing this… see what the people left behind go through. If you can't hang in for yourself… hang in for them *until* you can manage to hang in for yourself.

You are awesome, Mama.


Brooke Farmer April 15, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I know that I'm late to the party, but you get to write whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. And you're right. No one gets to judge you for it. Even if they HAVE been through the same things. Their reality is still not yours. You do whatever it takes to make YOU okay.


Anonymous February 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I wanted to reiterate what at least one other person has said. These posts have done the exact opposite for someone who at various times has been suicidal. You have shown me just how much mess is left to clean up afterwards. That no matter how easy it might sound, it is totally fucked. That no matter how much I think my husbad doesn't love me (despite KNOWING that he does) he would be devastated, torn apart and lost if I ever did such a stupid thing.

Thankyou for educating a depression sufferer who has on many occassion thught it would be a whole lot easier for everyone else if I just wan't in their life.

edaj from BB


Farmers Wifey February 11, 2011 at 12:27 am

Actually I can see you getting stronger with each post..you may not feel it (or maybe you do), so who would dare judge you for writing…Eff them indeed xox


Marissa tries to breathe February 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm

You know what I say? Fuck em. This is yours, To be honest I like your 'new' writing better than your old. Why? because it's real, honest, lucid.That's how life is. It's real. People wanna say your posts aren't for the faint of heart? Well, LIFE isn't for the faint of heart. I applaud you for not holding back, Through every detail, fuck word, and heartbreaking post, you have kept it real. You're situation is heartwrenching and terrible, but you keep writing exactly how it is. I wish you the best of luck and send my wishes. You know you'll be okay, so there is no reason for me to say it. :)


JallieDaddy February 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Well said


Publicly anonymous February 7, 2011 at 8:39 pm

To whomever thinks that Lori blogging honestly, openly and rawly (if that's a word) about her husband's death and its aftermath is triggering or in anyway wrong I say fuck you too – I don't wish to take over someone elses blog or comment stream, but if it hadn't been for the graphic re-telling of exactly how her husband did what he did along with the reality of what has followed it may very well be my family trying to cut that rope right now, or worse still planning my funeral.
For as sorry that I am for the pain you are experiencing Lori, I am also greatful for it as it just may have saved me from doing something truly stupid and trying to end what will ultimately be a short term problem with a permanent, unchangeable solution. thank you


Nel February 7, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I feel incredibly privileged to be allowed such a raw, honest view into your life…thanks so much for your honesty and openness. Keep talking, we need to hear it!


tinsenpup February 6, 2011 at 1:34 am

Maybe if we all talked about it, people might start to realise that suicide is not something that just happens to other people. It took me ten years to write about my partner's suicide. Ten years of emotional stuntedness and stockpiled grief because it made other people uncomfortable to hear about him. Well I'm with you. Fuck them.


Andrea February 5, 2011 at 9:39 am

That's me in the background, cheering, clapping, wolfwhistling (although i can't whistle). I encore the standing ovation.

You say your self esteem is low right now, and I hope the positive energy of those that love you, and the blog world can help build you up and help you build yourself up, because from where I stand everything you write shows a very powerful woman in there.

The fact that you are able to articulate anything at this point is bewildering. I echo what so many others are saying, if the writing helps you process and articulate what you are feeling, if it helps you grieve, and if it helps you come out safe on the other end – then that is what you must do.

I have one thought for you though, I may be out of line – but if the negative comments are not helpful….is it worth finding someone to 'moderate' them for you so you don't have to deal with them. It is just an idea,hopefully there haven't been too many.

Take care, ..I was going to say stay strong, but actually, if you need to crumple, crumple. You have an inner strength…that will carry you through without the 'outer stregth'. Go to pieces 100 times a day if you have to, but have faith in yourself. You are a powerful woman, and you will i am sure endure~!
love from a new member of your blogosphere support crew.


Elinor February 5, 2011 at 3:22 am

Talk about this, yell it from the roof tops, scream until everyone knows, if that is what is right for you and your family. You are amazing and strong and as sad and horrific as your story is–that you continue to move forward, into whatever your new reality will be, should be commended. Also, here in Ottawa, Canada, we are having a city-wide day (Feb 8) of talking about suicide. Of reaching out and sharing stories. Because that is what is most likely to help people. Remove the stigma, shame, and stereotypes and realize that suicide happens and our strategies are not working–it is time for something new! I think your talking about your husband and your reality is amazing and I believe you are helping others even if your only goal is to help yourself.
I hope you find some comfort.


Allie February 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I've been where you are (kind of. god, it felt like it.) and it's a dark, dark place. but no one knows what it's like until their significant other has committed suicide. "oh i had a friend-" yeah, no. they have no idea.

and you know what? i hope that someday my kids will be able to look at my personal blog and read every word of what i said when i was hurting and angry and happy and hateful. Because you know what? That's how I really felt, and who I really am. Anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves.

I blog because if I didn't then I would keep silent, and my thoughts would drive me nuts. I'm not going to censor myself because something is touchy or kids might think I'm a bad mommy because I cried into my pillow over the loss of my dead soul mate.


Marla February 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

There is no right way/wrong way to grieve. It is what it is, uniquely our own for each of us.

Peace and comfort to you, dear Lori.


Cate February 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Speak your truth Lori.

Those of us who truly care for you are listening.



Kelloggsville February 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

your space, your words, your life, your kids, your rules…take on board what helps and feeds you strength and throw away what doesn't help.
My Prayers


Trisha February 4, 2011 at 8:43 am

Hi Lori,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I applaud your courage and your openness.

Your post did trigger me…but it triggered me to get help, to admit that I need help. To acknowledge that it's ok to feel the way I feel but that people can help me through this irrationality, that what I am feeling is not real…and that the world is not such a terrible place.

Blessings and strength to you.


cbs111 February 4, 2011 at 6:14 am

Delurking to applaud you. You are going through unimaginable things to the rest of us, yet are brave enough and smart enough to have an outlet for your feelings. No one has the right to judge that!


Erin February 4, 2011 at 5:08 am

Woo Hoo! You are awesome!


renee February 4, 2011 at 1:07 am

i would argue that lori is doing the wrong thing by writing about it, i would very strongly argue that point.
my husband suffers from depression and after reading lori's blog i have realised for the first time how truly dangerous depression can be. i am never going to dismiss my husbands depression again and am going to do everything i can to support him. it gave me a big kick in the backside.
i also think that her children will appreciate this information when they are older. it will be sad and painful to read but it will help them put the puzzle together.
i wish you all the best lori.
keep doing what you need to do


Helena February 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

it's a dedly fucking silence when no one speaks about suicide. You're an incredible woman. Know that we're all behind you; wherever you go and however you grieve.

insensitive comments have no place in this blog. it's an exercise in futility to try and ease the pain of your grief, but we're here for you none-the-less; come hell or high water.


honiebuk February 3, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Christ all fucking Mighty – how the hell do I start a comment to someone who has been through what you have (that's me being honest) and that's the answer (with honesty).
When Tara posted a link to your story, I thought "do I want to see what's behind that link – do I?" The answer is Yes, because it's a huge part of me to 'listen' (but God can I talk).
And I did read and I did listen. I can't know your pain (no matter what mine has ever been). I 'can' respect you for your honesty and I can relate to needing to find strength – thank whoever (if there is a God) for the need to be strong for our children. But hell Lori, you need to take some time for 'you' sometime and I hope that when the time comes, you find the strength to do that.
Once upon a really shit time in my life (and prior to listening better to my own clients)my Dad once said "you can't save a man from drowning when you are drowning yourself" (crap choice of words for the moment – but that's what he said) and he meant that I had to look after ME, to be able to look after HER (my then 3 yr old).
You are amazing! You are honest! You are angry! You are absolutley right to tell it like it is! You have scared the shit aout of so many people – but that's not a bad thing. I imagine that every woman reading your blog will today and every other day hug their man and hold him for a little longer.
For reasons not the same but a loss witnessed over a long period of time – my heart goes out to you and my desire to want to take the pain away is immeasurable. Loss like this screws your brain and takes time to deal with and come through. You will – 'come through' and it sounds like you know that already. Forgive me for saying so, but a part of me wants to tell you that even now, after all of this, he is making you the person you need to be – he is and always will be your angel!


Andrea February 3, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Fuck the lot of them!! You and your writing rocks!!


Alienne February 4, 2011 at 8:04 am

I saw Being Me's post and came over to see what you had said. I have walked in your shoes, Lori. My husband hanged himself 3 years, 4 months and 18 days ago. I have 2 children, they were 13 and 15 when their father died. I have not suffered from depression as such, but I have been depressed, if that makes sense. Time is, as they say, a great healer and my dark days are fewer and far between. Children are stronger and more resilient than many give them credit for, and my daughters are doing really well, the elder is at university now. I still cry but I do most of my crying in the car these days. I did today. I relied on being able to talk to close friends and family initially – and my daughters, I have always talked to them, not to dump on them, but to share thoughts and feelings. He is still very much part of our lives and always will be and we talk about him often.

I didn't start my blog until about a year after his death. The most personal post I wrote on suicide I have never posted. Writing it, rereading it, refining it. That was enough for me. Perhaps it was partly the distance from his death, perhaps I don't really want to share some of my darker thoughts. I don't know. I doubt if I will ever hit the publish button now, but I do still re-read it from time to time. I have moved away from writing about what happened and my feelings; in fact, I am currently wondering whether I want to carry on blogging at all, although there are plenty of blogs I would still want to read.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that each of us has to deal with our grief and the aftermath of personal traumas in the way that suits us. We are all different and we all cope in different ways, and no one, no one, has any right to judge how we deal with our own personal grief. If writing about it is what you need to do then that is what you must do. A blog is a personal thing and it is entirely up to the owner of the blog what they publish. I self -censored, but that was my choice. I gather you have not, but that is your right. If others do not like it they do not have to read it, but they have no business writing cruel or unkind things as comments or to other bloggers. You are in a really hard place right now and it will take time to dig your way out. Don't let mean minded people get you down. Keep going for your own sake and for your children. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. I can see it now.

I have not gone back and read your early posts as I don't think I could right now. I am crying as I write this. But I will, another day. And in the meantime, I will be thinking of you. Stay strong, you are not alone.
If you want to reply – though please don't feel you have to – you can e-mail me: alienne@btinternet.com


Heather February 4, 2011 at 6:42 am

I don't know if you're able to read all the comments but I wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one who thinks this is a subject that needs to be brought out of the shadows. I'm in Ottawa and a former NHL hockey player (now assistant coach) recently lost his teenage daughter to suicide. He and his wife made the decision to make that information public and have launched a campaign (in her honour) to encourage parents to talk to their kids about mental health. Here's a link to more info: http://senators.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=551450

You, too, are a role model for what you're doing and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.


Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Lori, your blog has made me cry for you, and your honesty has shocked me, but it has shown me two things:
Firstly, you are a wonderful person, who is able to care for her kids and continue to love her husband despite the most horrible loss I can imagine. And secondly, I now understand the aftermath of suicide like I never really did before. And you know why that is so important? Because I suffer from depression (medicated now, thank god), and when it appears I start to get the idea that I am a horrible person and those who love me (including a blended family with 5 kids, and a husband whose been through depression himself and understands all too well) would be better off without me. Your blog really, truly scared and shocked me and I will NEVER be able to tell myself that again. So write what you need to, and know that you are not hurting anyone, but you might be saving a few people like me.
Thanks Lori. I think about you a lot, and hope the hurt gets better for you.


Abby February 3, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I think you are fantastic Lori.. Sure your post left me reeling with HOLY FUCK!! Of course it was shocking, but I think it is amazing that you speak your truth.. Suicide and the after math is nothing to be ashamed of, I think it's great that you can see reality as clearly as it is.. I don't know what else to say Lori.. You're amazing just doesn't cut it.. Many hugs to you and your kids xxx


“Lil Ol’ Me” February 3, 2011 at 11:06 am

Raw. Truth. What is needed. Seriously…what is needed! For me. For others. For those who struggle with suicidal ideation, thoughts, whatever it might be.



Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 10:49 am

It's disgusting how much of a politically correct world we live in. You're not supposed to say this, or use that word, or think this thought…it's like people think if they pretend like everything is perfect then magically things will be. But that's not how the world works, life happens regardless of what people try to censor. Instead of dealing with it and adapting, we're all so busy trying to cover it up that when life DOES happen to us, no one knows how to handle anything and people feel isolated.

I feel silly thanking you for your posts since this is your blog and you're writing to help yourself cope…but since there aren't really many other words, thank you for posting. Thank you for posting honestly.


WitWitWoo February 3, 2011 at 10:23 am

Dear Lori

We don't know each other – I'm 'just' a blogger from the UK, but I just wanted to add my condolences to what is such a terribly sad situation for you and your family. I'm due to start working in a Mental Health unit on Monday (purely in an admin role) but I do hope that I get to learn a little more about mental illness while I'm there. Much love from this side of the Pond.


Stacie February 3, 2011 at 10:11 am

There are far worst things being blasted through society than truth like this.


autumnraven February 3, 2011 at 6:48 am

Keep writing Lori…fuck 'em.

There is nothing else to say…but wanted you to know I tried.


Jess February 2, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Im just astounded that people even think for one second that they have the right to judge you and what you write.. now, while you are grieving or EVER. This is YOUR blog. YOUR space. YOUR life. People CHOOSE to read it… they are not forced.

Urrrghh. It makes me feel physically sick that you even have to deal with that sort of shit right now. As my Dad would say, Fuck 'em!


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Dear Lori,
Regrettably I only came to your blog After…regrettable because you are an amazing woman and I wish I had been able to share the good times with you as well as the hard ones. I write only to offer you support during this time, and to tell you that YOUR truth is the only truth. Whatever it takes to make it through this violent storm and come out at the other end is all that matters. Don't worry about the dickheads who judge…the only ones who matter are you and your children. To the people who question your children's response to your blog, all I can say is that from the blogs I have read since Tony's death, you have articulated a deep love for him. And while you are deeply angry with him and yourself, your love was truthful. Your children will recognise this.
The hurt will probably never go away, but the good memories will return in time. May the universe guide you and give you strength while you need it. My thoughts are with you every day.


Maxabella February 2, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Not worth it, Lori. x


emerald365 February 2, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Lori – I didn't read your blogs before – didn't know much about you but what you let out on BB. But hearing what happened and that you were blogging, I decided to read – both some of the stuff before, and much of the after. I can't believe any one is judging what you're posting – this is your life – if they dont' want to read, they don't have to!
I lost my cousin about 10 days ago – I don't know what the lead up was like for those closest to him but reading your blog, I guess I'm seeing it differently to simply hearing that he took his own life. I know we're all hurting and angry at him, but your posts have made me TRY to understand from his perspective – I will admit, I am really struggling, but I'm trying.
Keep doing whatever works for YOU to help you now. No one else can (or should) tell you how to manage your own grief.
thinking of you
Lee (BG from BB)


A Country Wife February 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Lori, mental illness is such a debilitating, relentless disease. It can bring the strongest of people crashing down, and forever affect those around them. I am so so so so sorry for your loss, and for all the heartache you have been facing the past 6 months. I was so moved by your post about Tony's suicide, and am now gobsmacked that those cowards who hide behind annonymous usernames are here trying to judge you for being open and honest. For talking about something that needs to be talked about, for trying to help others. We no longer live in the dark ages, mental illness should not be brushed under the carpet, nor locked behind closed doors like its something to be ashamed about. It will not go away if we ignore it, but if we bring it out and talk we may just save some lives. Thank you for being you Lori, and for sharing your tragic story. Try not to let the 1% bring you down xx


deardarl February 2, 2011 at 5:24 pm

So if we don't talk about suicide, does this make it go away???

I just can't understand the reasoning of some people.

Personally, I think the wake-up, slap in the face that is needed by potential suicides is having a look into the lives of the people left behind. The ones who have to keep living After.

So you keep doing what you are doing, beautiful Lori.

PS – can you imagine the number of dipshytes who send me info on road safety??? Not really sure what they are trying to say. The fact that Greg was killed through no fault of his own seems to have evaded them. Perhaps people think that car accidents can't happen to them because they 'never' speed, tailgate whatever….
Like I said – some people have no idea….


hamlet005 February 2, 2011 at 3:40 pm

So I just wanted to say that I have been so affected by your blogging about this. Most of the time, men do not think in terms of their own worth to our families…we think – well, _I_ think – in terms of whether or not I'm living up to being the man they deserve and need.

I've been through treatment for depression and manage it okay now…but there is something so powerful in your writing and sharing and speaking about this. I know that it is small and useless to say that you are helping me be a little better man…but you are…

So, thank you for writing so powerfully, brilliantly and fearlessly. I have come to grieve for the pain you and your family endure because you have chosen to share it and I just wish I could do something to provide you anything of comfort.


God bless.


Marianna Annadanna February 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Hi Lori. Keep it up. As long as it helps – you and others – keep on doing it.

As for your kids, having such an honest mom can only help them – my mom was brutally honest with me and it saved my life. Even when the shit we were going through was way too hard to handle. to this day she is the only person (aside from my husband) who i can say ANYTHING to – and who truly understands me.

And as for the media, when I was about 6 I was at my grandparents' house and I saw kid on 60 Minutes talking about being abused by his father. And I ran into the kitchen crying. I remember it vididly. When my mom came in after me, and asked me what was wrong, I told her that until THAT moment I thought I was the only one. That little kid on 60 Minutes helped save me. And my mom did the rest.

Keep it up. Sending you LOVE.


Artaud February 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Hey, we all have a choice whether to stand witness to your grief, or not. Nobody is being forced to read this. Fuck 'em.

As for your kiddy-winks…well, my heart goes out to all three of you but, when they get to an age where they can look this up…good. They can see that there is another way (which, of course they will already know). But they will also see a spouse's and a family's perspective of the shear devastation that suicide can cause.

I've never been through it and can't imagine the pain that you are going through. Just know that a chick in Oklahoma is sending you all the strength and love and peace that she can.

Be good to yourself chick.


Epskee February 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Ignore what they say about your kids reading this. There is a delete button if later on you decide that would be best. In the meantime, you do whatever it is that helps you cope. The most important thing right now is that you deal with this and be their mum NOW. Worry about "later" later. Just get there first.

The best thing you can do for your children as a mother, is be the best mum you can be. If that means you need to vent here so that you can get a release & go back to them refreshed, then do it.

There will always be someone out there trying to tell you you're doing it wrong, no matter what you do. Listen to those who know you best, as you are not thinking clearly yourself atm. Only listen to the trolls if those close to you agree – otherwise….. Fuck 'Em


Tamara February 2, 2011 at 11:57 am

Dear Lori,

When I first read your blog about your husband's death, my first thought was that I wanted to share it with my loved ones and friends, and anyone who has ever thought of suicide. Let’s face it, we all know of someone who has contemplated suicide at some time in their life. Your blog shows the absolute truth of suicide. And rather than prompt someone to end their own life, as one very uneducated blogger has suggested, I believe its rawness and honesty could literally stop someone in their tracks. It shows the aftermath of what is left behind. The absolute devastation and finality.

It shows just how much someone is missed. Just how raw the devastation is that is left behind.

Your story literally took my breath away.

It’s so, so important that we talk about suicide, and I thank you for sharing your story. Equally, it’s so important for people to understand the pain and heartache of what is left behind. And to understand the absolute finality of actions.

The second thing I want to comment on is your post about that feeling deep inside that something is wrong with you. Ah yes, that terrible monster lurking within. It made me feel so, so sad that someone as beautiful and giving as you could feel like that on the inside. Please, please know that you are not alone. Also try to remember the Tony that loved you. Loved you so much that he created with you the gift of two beautiful children who love you so much.

You’re helping so many people through your blogging, and I hope in some little way, our posts are helping you too.


Stacey McMillan February 2, 2011 at 11:55 am

OMFG….and thats all I can say.
Might make people go ahead and commit the act ..WTF…you have probably just saved some lives.
So big and brave about their comments they couldnt even say who they were, FRAK you would be the nicest thing I would be able to say.

And you know what Lori, thank you. For helping the ones that just need to read that people feel this way too. For sharing it with your children when they grow so if they ever feel this way they know they can talk, blog or sing and people will listen.


Alicia February 2, 2011 at 11:47 am

You are so brave and smart for talking about this and getting it off of your chest. I have such a hard time talking about anything but the fluff in my life on my blog and am so impressed by your honesty. Your kids are in good hands and screw anybody who thinks they know better than you.


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 11:18 am

To be honest, I have felt a bit uncomfortable with some of the language used but guess what? This didn't happen to me. It happened to you. And if this is the way you can best release those feelings of frustration and utter bewilderment, noone has the right to be telling you to write any other way. I think it's amazing that you are able to write anything at all because I'm pretty sure that I would be stunned into total muteness personally. It's simply not true that talking, or reporting, about suicides will trigger other suicides. As I saw with my friend, the suicide of her father and its effects on friends and family would strongly dissuade me from that path should my mind have considered it. However, not reporting it probably has more to do with considering the feelings of the families involved rather than preventing copycat actions. You are *not* a news outlet so you can write whatever you want.


Michelle February 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

Well said Lori. You should be able to write what you like & share your feelings.
If someone doesn't like what you are saying then they should bugger off & stop reading it.
Keep going & get them feelings out.


Kristy February 2, 2011 at 11:00 am

You are right. Absolutely right. It is amazingly awful how people think it is ok to say things and judge people, especially when someone is dealing with very extraordinary circumstances. Last year, my best friend unexpectedly lost her husband. There were many who judged her reactions in the days following, and I would constantly say, "You are not in her shoes!" Do not judge, people, you are not in her shoes.


Carol February 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

Hi Lori,

I'm an ABC journalist and presenter, and yes, there are strict guidelines on us reporting suicide.

However, 20 years of interviewing people with all sorts of experiences has given me this belief:

We all benefit from those people who are courageous enough to share with us their stories. Their TRUE stories. Of love, happiness and success, but particularly those of hurt, despair and trauma.

I have been reading your blog and I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through, and will continue to go through. But I have interviewed a beautiful woman who HAS walked in your shoes and will be on Australian Story next Monday night.

Please don't allow yourself to be silenced.


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 10:39 am

Fuck them indeed. My father committed suicide. I strongly believe if there hadn't been such a stigma around it, he may have felt more able to seek help. I work now with an organisation involved in suicide prevention and they certainly don't shy away from talking about the issue in the media. Neither did the last Australian of the Year, Patrick McGorry. There is nothing to be ashamed of here, sickness is sickness – mental or otherwise. So, yeah, fuck them good and proper. Good luck with healing Lori. You have a lot of people behind you.


Veronica February 2, 2011 at 10:37 am

I dunno L, it sounded like they were worried about you, not judging. Of course, I didn't read the email, so I can't say for sure.

I can't see how talking about suicide could ever be a bad thing. Bringing it out into the open isn't going to make someone do it, if anything, being able to hear the pain from the family afterwards would be a deterrant.



hollyjcurtis February 2, 2011 at 10:31 am

Good on you Lori! Fuck them. I agree with everything you have said in this post – amazing that you can write with such clarity and logic when dealing with such an illogical and tragic circumstance xx


Draft Queen February 2, 2011 at 10:24 am

Tell the fuckhead to come see me because your words have helped me.

Fucking jerk(s).



Michelle Twin Mum February 2, 2011 at 10:02 am

I'm with you Lori. Do what YOU need to be doing.

Mich x


KidLit February 2, 2011 at 9:43 am

This is your blog. Your journal. Your diary. Yes, anyone can access it. Anyone can leave and not read it too. As for your kids and anyone else being harmed by it? Bull shit. This needs to be know. The aftermath needs to be documented and available for all. The rawer the better. Why document such pain? Why is it important? Because people who contemplate suicide need to know. They… no, WE need to know. We need to understand what that "quick fix" IS quick, but far from a fix. It just makes things a hell of a lot worse. I PERSONALLY need to read this and keep it in mind when shit gets bad and I feel like I have no other option. Like Jenny the Bloggess has said (not verbatim, but more or less) our kids need us, broken or not. The documentation of your personal hell won't possibly save lives… it has. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT! I know you post your pain, as a way to cope and any benefits to others are a bonus, as it should be. Life may never be as it was, but you will redefine normal for yourself and eventually, you will find your new self and with it, a new shade of purple you will love. Keep strong mama! You will make it through! :0)

Oh, and…. fuck you to all those who posted something negative! You have no clue.


Leanne Moffat February 2, 2011 at 9:34 am

I second all that! If you don't like it, don't read it. And further, if I read about theft, I don't steal, if I read about rape, I don't assault, etc. All that shit has to be IN a person to do it. Keep on. Get it out, let it flow. And at worst, if your children read this, they'll know in a concrete way how much suicide hurts loved ones, and they will know how much their mum loved their dad. I do. Thank you for letting us all bear witness to the unspeakable pain. This is important to all of us. Love to you and yours.


LucidLotus February 2, 2011 at 9:29 am

I used to be a child & family therapist in another life and I can tell you that what you are doing here with your blog is for you, of course. But it is also for your children. So that if they do read it someday they will know that it's ok to be mad at him and it doesn't mean betrayal. So that they will know that it's ok to speak their mind and say what they feel and not keep it all bottled inside.
You are an AWESOME mom and you're making decisions for the future well being of your family. Don't let the hatred get you down. There are many more people out here to build you up.


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 9:13 am

Rock on Ms Lori and move on to our Fuck You commentator! Write your way though this girl and thanks to the asshole who helped you and a whole lot of us let of some steam! Keep writing, its your journey, something that you can look back on one day with amazement and pride. Luv ya from out here in Sunny CA.
Anonymous Me


mommyodyssey February 2, 2011 at 8:47 am

Hear hear! I commend you for every single word you post. Anyone who says differently is an ignorant asshole. Big virtual hug!


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 8:38 am


I don't know you IRL. But through your writing, I feel like I do. You are never going to please everyone no matter what you do in life, no matter how small and insignificant it might be. And what you're doing, it isn't insignificant- you are telling your truth and coping with a terrible and horrible situation that no one deserves. You are also talking about something that not enough people are brave enough to talk about openly and honestly, and that scares people.
Focus on the love. Focus on how much you are inspiring people (I am one). I am only 21 years old and have lost three people close to me to suicide, and found one of them. I honestly wish I had the strength to write openly and publicly about this when it was still so raw. That is what gets to people and can hopefully incite some change.
And from a kid who lost her Mom to suicide- if or when your kids ever find your blog and read this, they will be sad and it will be hard but it will also be something that is invaluable for their healing process as well as yours. They will treasure this and be proud of their mom.

Sending you lots of love, Lori. Please remember that there are people who believe that you are sensational. x

– Elise


Barbara February 2, 2011 at 6:09 am

I had stopped commenting, only because I was fairly sure that "I'm so sorry", which is the only thing I can think to say, would be getting kind of tired by now.

But, I am still reading and thinking of you. I really think, no, I know, that what you are writing is helping other people as well and if it helps you, then just keep bloody writing.

I think you are amazing and (sorry, but here it comes) I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through. (((Hugs)))


JenGid February 2, 2011 at 4:38 am

Where else on earth could you get this many people supporting you 24/7? Never ever let anyone tell you that your coping method is wrong. I am astonished at the nerve of some people. I think you are being about as brave as any human can.


Erika February 2, 2011 at 4:05 am

I found you through the Bloggess. I just want to say that I am proud of you, and in awe of you, and I know that you are doing what is right. Jsut keep on keepin' on, honey, and you do whatever it is you need to do to get through this. And all these others… who feel the need to CRITICIZE you at this time… Fuck You isn't even strong enough. Can you concentrate a FUCK YOU a million times and then pour it over their heads? Because that is what they deserve. We all have our trials, and some of us have more to dael with than others. Sadly, your cross is heavy, heavy. But over, under, around and through you will go, you are going, you will pass through. I don't even know you but I love you. Take care of yourself. I will pray for you (dunno if you believe in that or not, but putting good vibes in the universe for you.) You will be in my thoughts. Much love.


Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 3:49 am

To all those people out there following Lori's blog and reading of the awful events that have happened in the last few weeks, I say this:

Please, if you are moved to send her love, kindness and support PLEASE do so.

If you cannot cope with what you are reading. If it upsets you and you don't agree with Lori. PLEASE keep your thoughts to yourself and don't make things any harder for Lori by giving out to her in such an unkind way.

PLEASE find other blogs to visit that are more to your taste.


William February 2, 2011 at 3:41 am

I have been following your struggle since Jenny at Bloggess mentioned you, and I would like to chime in, if I may. First off, a caveat; I am not in any way a professional (well, maybe a professional asshole if you check with the wife), but not a counselor of any stripe. Just someone who is captivated by your choice to bare your very soul to the world at this incomprehensibly difficult time.

Kudos to you. Personally, I think that your writing is helping a lot of people out here; but even if it were not, I believe that it is helping you; and right now that is good and right and absolutely defensible. Fuck ‘em all if they can’t see it.

I would like to provide some thoughts concerning your post from yesterday; I was going to add a bit of something about today, but I think you have it covered well!
I read this yesterday, and it tore at my soul:

“Because, I think, I'm sure- there was something ugly about me, something fundamentally ugly and wrong and distasteful about me, that makes people turn away.

I thought that, for years. From the ages of about fifteen to twenty four, I had that feeling. That no matter how perfect I was. there was something Wrong with me. Not something anyone could see as such, or articulate. But it was There, and it made people turn away. Made people not love me, not want to be near me. Made be chronically, compulsively Unlovable.”

There is no doubt in my mind that you believed this to be true. I get the idea that suddenly you are wrestling with it again. Lori, no matter how deeply you believed it then, and no matter how strong the urge to return to that mindset now, please believe me when I say that it is a lie. If you do not believe me, listen to the echo of hundreds of supporters who are posting here and standing behind you. You, dear heart, are chronically, compulsively Loveable, and that is the end of the argument. There is something intrinsically beautiful about you, your heart, your soul, your courage to face all of this and to Stand and Fight rather than to cower and whimper. I see it. It is there. And, though I did not know you Before, I know that it has always been there.

I know it will take time for you to work through all of this; I am damned impressed at the fact that you can actually be coherent right now; I have little doubt that I would still be at the gibbering stage. I am glad that you have a group of people close to you right now. I am very, very glad that you have chosen to be stronger than your Tony could be, and that you are asking people to help you. Your example is an inspiration to others.
Be strong, Lori, and know that you have hundreds, maybe thousands of people who are behind you, amazed daily at your strength and tenacity, and ready to hold you up when that strength fails.



Elizabeth February 2, 2011 at 3:34 am

Came here from Bloodsigns… you do right in writing about all of this. Silence about suicide and the stigma around it cause so much harm. My cousin committed suicide some 15 years ago, the same years my mom made an attempt on her own life as well. Afterwards I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline as part of my own healing and I learned SO MUCH through that – about the pain that people live with daily, especially those battling depression, and about the importance of TALKING about suicide. It is such a lie that talking about suicide plants the idea in people's minds or in any way prompts people to attempt suicide. WE ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT and talking about it, as other commenters have pointed out, provides a relief and release – makes it ok to talk about those feelings, and to find the support we need. I say we because I've had suicidal feelings too. I think the majority of people have at one time or another.

I'm so very very sorry for your loss and the incredibly traumatic way it all happened. Please let us be there for you even though opening yourself up to support through the bloggy world can make you vulnerable to comments from idiots as well. I think the support will outweigh the idiots, at least I hope so. Big hugs from across the oceans.


Michele February 2, 2011 at 3:07 am



Toughie February 2, 2011 at 3:00 am

It is so easy for people to talk about things they don't know anything about. What you're writing, and saying will help so many people. And more importantly, it's what you need. I hate how so many people think it's not okay to talk about suicide and addiction, and whatever else they think is inappropriate; hiding things behind the idea that they're shameful doesn't help anything. I really think you have to name the dragon before you can slay it, and what you are doing is brave and true, and I say "fuck you" to anyone who says different.
Trudy xo


bloodsigns February 2, 2011 at 2:32 am

Hi Lori,

Let me assure you, had my mother had a diary that she'd written in after my father's murder — and had she shared that with me when I asked –rather than telling me to keep it a secret "that people just wouldn't understand" I would have been given a gift rather than the burden of silence– that silence, that shame — was more devastating than any truth.

The truth always brings the light.

Love to you,



Dazee Dreamer February 2, 2011 at 2:10 am

I think it is good to talk about it openly. My grandfather committed suicide when my mom was 7. She would never talk about it. It's a taboo subject even today. It has affected her life. I wish she would be open about it like you are. Thanks again, and my thoughts are with you.


Kevin February 2, 2011 at 1:41 am


That's right, fuck them. There isn't a damn thing wrong with what you are doing, not that you need my validation or anyone else's to talk about this or anything else. Good for you, Lori.


WittyUsername February 2, 2011 at 1:32 am

I have read enough testimonies here from people in a similar precarious mental state THANKING you, to believe that you are doing amazing benefits in the blogosphere. They are the voices you should listen to.
I have yet to read a single comment stating that your raw posts have encouraged anyone.
BUT, that is not what your blog is about. Your blog has always been your reality, so you keep it that way.


Sheri February 2, 2011 at 1:30 am

Amen! Found your blog…heck have no idea how, but I'm so glad I did. Hang in there and know that a lot of us reading are behind you completely. Some folks just need to deal with their own shit instead of harping on others.

So many problems would be solved if folks would just speak. Not hide it behind the whole "I don't want to offend someone" I'm glad you're putting this out there. Maybe it'll give others the courage to speak.


Doodah February 2, 2011 at 1:20 am

You go girl!


flask February 2, 2011 at 1:00 am

like i said, i came late to the story.

i do sort of feel i know you because you write your story well, but also because, well, just because.

there's too much stigma on mental illness, too much on suicides and the survivors, and too much pain in your heart.

i don't have to know you to know about it, unfortunately.

people who don't like how you write about YOUR life can just stop reading.

maybe it's no consolation, but there's someone alive today because they read what you had to say about it.

too late for you, too late for your family, but soon enough, maybe, for someone else's family.

and i'm still really sorry. and i'm sorry that there are people who think it's ok to invade your grief to tell you how to do things better.

sometimes people are asses.

i'm sorry.


bekkles February 2, 2011 at 12:31 am

In the words of a very wise woman who I have no doubt is saving lives…

You speak.

Miss Lori

You speak.

Here's to stopping the deadly silence


Courtneyb February 2, 2011 at 12:18 am

So Many, SO MANY! PEOPLE ARE BEHIND YOU LORI! we support you However you choose to deal with this reality thats been thrust upon you. Your Honesty is rare in this world where people live behind such ridiculous facades.
NEVER let a dickhead or two get to you. NEVER. have them walk a mile in your shoes. fuck watch them break, and crumble.
Asshole, whoever chose to judge you.
You are HELPING so many people. Because this is lifes Dirty Little Secret. If there was more media coverage of this topic it would open up the conversations and help so many people.
Love You Lori x o x o


Keri February 2, 2011 at 12:00 am

Lori, I found your blog through the Bloggess and I want to commend you on blogging through the heartache and loss. I don't agree with the comments from others suggesting you hide your emotions, or not blog for the sake of your children when they are older.

As a child, my mother's boyfriend died. As an adult, I wish I could have seen my mother's heartache, if only to know that my siblings and I weren't the only ones that felt loss. Now that I am grown, my mother doesn't talk about it.

Thank you for your honesty.


Life in the Mom Lane February 1, 2011 at 11:32 pm

My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. In the early 70s, a devout, Irish Catholic man and the stigma surrounding it was so strong that the only people in the family who ever knew it was suicide were my father and grandmother. The coroner knew, obviously, and maybe the priest, but they lied about it so he could be buried in the Catholic cemetery. There is nothing that can trigger suicide or even stop it if a person is intent on doing it. And anyone who thinks keeping it silent is a GOOD thing is completely batty. You are helping so many people by sharing your story. People need to see the aftermath. The destruction left behind. You are so honest and brave. Anyone who doesn't see that should just keep their ignorant comments to themselves.


jmasher February 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Until someone has walked in your shoes they have no right to judge how you live your truth, for you and your children.

Although there may be many with similar experiences, no-one can ever have walked in your shoes, because they are not you!

So no-one has any right to judge how you live this journey. Those that judge speak from ignorance not truth – truth is what you have in abundance. Be proud.


E February 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Umm….then why the hell are they reading your blog if they find it triggery or offensive or what-ever-the-word-of-the-day-is.

People are stupid. Please don't let that asshole get to you. God knows you are going through enough, too much for anyone to have to ever ever ever deal with.

And whoever is worried about your post "triggering" other suicides, well they obviously aren't concerned about your mental health are they? Writing about this is helping you in more ways than you will ever know. The brain and the heart NEED to express these things or you will never begin healing.

So from me to your fellow worthless anon tips who-don't-know-a-fucking-thing….fuck you too!!



cassey February 1, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I think that it's great that you can get all your words out, and I think your children will be glad for it later on.


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Here Here Lori. People should know how you feel. Why should people hide their emotions? Suicide is a taboo and bloody hell it needs to be talked about so people know and I believe you can save a life by writting this.

As for your children you are their mother. I dont know how people think you can hide this from them. That is a ridiculous thought. The best person to help them through this is YOU. Your a wonderful mum and doing the best you can with what you have right now.


Lori I am so damn sorry but keep talking and writting.


SJ February 1, 2011 at 10:31 pm

You're a champion Lori.


Belinda February 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I join you in a big fuck off to those that think they know your situation better than you. You are right about the importance of truth. Secrets hurt … especially those surrounding suicide. There are also so many misconceptions out there about suicide and mental illness. Your truth is helping to shatter these misconceptions. I don't always have the right words to leave a comment, but I'm always reading and sending you love x


Smudgeblurr February 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Dear Lori,
I agree with other commenters that it will be wonderful for both you and your children to have this record in years to come so don't be silent – your words need to be heard by everyone and don't let anyone tell you different.
Hugs to you and yours.


Jen February 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Lori, I too think your blog is the bravest stuff I have ever read. Big FUCK YOU to anyone who can read this heart-wrenching blog where Lori rips open her chest & lets us see her heart struggling to beat and can then sit back 'tsk, tsk-ing' about what she writes. Are you serious?? Keep writing Lori. This is YOUR space. Love Jen xox


Hear Mum Roar February 1, 2011 at 10:00 pm

It's funny isn't it? If what you're writing is so distasteful, why are the trolls still fucking reading it? Really??

We all have different comfort levels, we all have different ways of dealing with things, and we all have different approaches with our children.

You've warned us all every single time if something is triggering. What more can you do but be silenced to please others?

It's your grief, keep doing whatever it is you need to do. And just know that, we're all concerned about all three of you; you and your 2 beautiful children. Not because of your writing, but because of the trauma and grief you are all being put through. Most of us are just concerned because we love you and care what happens.

I trust your instincts as a parent, and sorry to the haters, but when you're a mum, it's mum's way or the highway, like it or lump it.


samanthacurrie.com February 1, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Well said.


Georgia February 1, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Dear Lori, keep writing if it gives you a sense of release and peace. Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Love Georgia


River February 1, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Well said Lori. Speaking out is much better than silence.


Tenille @ Help!Mum February 1, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Please don't let the small-mindedness of some people upset you Lori.

And to the anonymous twat who commented on this post; really? Fuck off back to trolling forums.

The Mindframe guidelines are designed to temper the insensitivity of large-scale media outlets looking for an angle that will sell, not to censor a woman who's just watched her life crumble around her.

How dare you question Lori's right to a voice.


lyndaal February 1, 2011 at 9:38 pm

thankyou. thankyou for writing everything you do – its releasing reading what you write, exactly as your professional person said, takes the pressure off, helps anyone suffering depression or whatever that someone else, that alot of people suffer the same thing. and yes sometimes i read and i will bawl for you and with you and for myself and my depression, regardless of where I am.. but it helps, and we need people to speak honestly about their journies, and their lives and their realities.

so im sending love, and thanking you for being you and writing, and refusing to let the fuckturds get to you with their hateful and spiteful and anonymous words and emails.


Kristina Hughes February 1, 2011 at 9:28 pm

People love to judge others – particularly when they feel like they're not being heard themselves. There seem to be lots of people who are so terrified of their own truths that they can't deal with the truths of others. There's a saying: "You're as sick as your secrets". You're doing what you need to do – it's raw and honest and sometimes difficult to read. But it's what you need to do – for you and your kids.

I write a blog about my son's autism. Some people disagree with the level of honesty I write with but it's not their blog – it's mine and they can blog right off as far as I'm concerned. None of their business to tell me their opinions.

You keep doing exactly what you need to, Lori – people are always going to have opinions – sod them! Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Be true to yourself. Keep writing. And a thousand curses to the arseholes who think that their negative comments are in any way appropriate here on your blog.

Lots of love to you, Lori xx


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Reading your thoughts has helped me more than I could ever thank you for. You have a story to tell , dont be silent.


Bee February 1, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Lori, until I started reading your blog a few days ago, I had never felt my heart break for someone I had never met. Like you said this, this is your truth and your life; this is your space. Anyone who doesn't feel comfortable with what you're writing should fuck off and let you get on with doing the best you can. Much love to you xo


Glen February 1, 2011 at 9:11 pm

It is better to speak – you speak! i for one am in no position to say what you should or should not be doing – even if it differs from what i think I would do.
keep going


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em sideways, upways, downways & every-which-ways. There's always some judgemental arsehole out there who thinks they know better. You know why, Lori? Because they're miserable. Arseholes.

I'm in awe of what you're writing here, I think it's the bravest thing I've ever seen. People need to know what happens after suicide. And I'm in awe of the amazing, overwhelming positive response it's getting. The power of your writing & the Internet is uniting hundreds of strangers behind you & no one in their right mind could ever, ever think that was a bad thing.

Love, as always. Sophie xxx


aussiebummummy February 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Again lori i take my hat off to you!! im only a fairly new follower to your blog but i admire your honesty and your strength. But honestly if you cannot vent on your own personal blog that you have created then where is it appropriate to do so ??
For someone to doubt the welfare of your children is sickening, you have just lost your husband, im sure you will deal with things as best you can just like any mother would do under these cirumstances <3 If people do not like what you write they have the option to not read it, for those of us who admire your posts, we know where your at..you do not need to justify ANYTHING
i wouldnt expect anything less from your blogs, so many bloggers have advised me to keep a blog honest..well lori your teaching me that, life can be shit its not all peachy!! thankyou for sharing your story with us (me)


Helen February 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I wish my Dad had written as you have, all those years ago, so I would know why my Mum did what she did. There is NOTHING to be gained by keeping silent about suicide – no matter how graphic or traumatic the story. It has to be told for the sake of those left behind.


Oscar’s Mum February 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Well said. If people don't like what others write they don't have to read it. I started following your blog only a few months ago and I don't feel like I know you, but your raw honesty has touched me very deeply and I commend you for having the guts to talk about this. Suicide needs to be talked about – not by the media but by those who are left behind to pick up the pieces, and who can tell the real story. Keep writing Lori.


Ami February 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Lori thank you for writing so openly & honestly. My sister-in-law is going through a terrible time with depression & anxiety & I know she gets by, by being able to talk about it. Even though I've never met you, I think about you & your family often. Keep writing & most importantly keep being you.


Tina ~ tina gray dot me February 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Ditto what Donna said. This is your space. Use this space. Talk it out. And if someone doesn't like it, click on the X and fuck off!


nadinewrites108 February 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm

To Anonymous who asked if we've ever wondered why they don't report suicides on the news:

Because they don't want to glorify it, make the deceased famous. If the useless media actually reported the truth rather than a catchy headline followed by a bit of sensationalist crap, if they reported the carnage that is left behind like Lori has been, if they told the WHOLE story, they probably would report it.

But the truth is too hard, too unsanitary for general consumption, too complex and frightening and confronting.

So keep writing, Lori. People need to know the truth.


marketingtomilk February 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Fuck you thrice.
WE ARE all entitled to our own opinions, we ARE allowed to have them, but if you have a smidgen of sensitivity you might like to keep some of them in your own head. Has this person never heard the words "unhelpful"?
For the record i think both these points are utter shit, and very condescending to you Lori, who i think has shown yourself to be unbelievably wise and strong throughout this whole tragedy.



Canadian in Glasgow February 1, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Lori, I've thought about you since being sent here via Jenny and reading about you, your pain…the family. Your Tony.
It scared me. Alot.
I met my Tony under very unusual circumstances (transatlantic Twitter romance) and we've been on the same continent, as a couple…since May. We've battled through alot. Alot of depression. Alot of dark times/days. They are still here. And there. They come and go.
I've had those dark moments. I know he has.

When I read your posts…I immediately sent him a message. I told him how much I appreciated him. How much I loved him. How proud I was of him.

Because even though we had fought bitterly…again…that morning, I could picture myself losing him as you lost your love….and it scared me.

I watched my father die in front of me.

I will be vigilant…I will be aware. And I'll think about you every day for the rest of my life.

Nothing you do or will do is wrong. Whatever it takes….it's right. Do what you need to and fuck the rest of the world.

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live through it.



Donna @ NappyDaze February 1, 2011 at 8:43 pm

This is your space, you have every right to do and say as you please and anyone who doesnt like it shouldnt bother clicking on it. As you say, unless we have lived your nightmare, none of us should dare judge you – whatever it takes to help you heal, you do.

You are saving lives – the ignorant fuckers out there that dont get it arent worth worrying about


Ratz February 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Honestly, Fuck them. You write Lori. This is your bloody space and you have every right for Pete's sake to tell the truth, to write whatever you wish to write. What you are going through at this minute, no one can describe and if by writing the truth, you are handling it, you go girl. You do it. Seriously.

When someone is brave enough to write about something in its most raw and true form, it gives strength to others to unveil the truth in their own lives. We are not living in a land of sugar candies and unicorns to hide the truth under the flowing chocolate river. The truth will be the truth, today and twenty years later. So, hang it there and write. We will read you.


Danielle February 1, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Lori :-)
your posts are helping me right now babe:-) xxx
I have had depression for 18 mths or so keep going love ya lots ((( HUGS))) and to that person yer fuck off! :-)))


Langdowns February 1, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I'm with Diminishing Lucy. If people don't like it they should "unfollow". I for one continue to follow. Writing is great therapy (well, for me anyway). Keep doing what you need to do, and those of us who support you will continue to follow …
PS Since all this happened, many people have started writing about depression on their blogs. I think that is a great thing. I too have actually confessed to not being perfect …. to my little demon that drags me down …
So for that I say thank you.


Cat February 1, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I also suffer depression, and am trying to write about it in my blog. I know that it is hard, painful and soul wrenching to do. I applaud you for your strength and heart, to survive this time and care for your kids.
You may be in the darkest time in your life, but you are an inspiration to many.
My thoughts and prayers go to your family at this time


Dorothy February 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Some people are just clueless. Not to mention incredibly small minded. The rest of us think you're amazing!


Curvaceous Queen February 1, 2011 at 8:06 pm

How can we fear the truth????? When we speak of the unspeakable we begin to deprive "it" of the power it holds. If anything your voice will make one in that dark place question the consequences of their actions.

Fallback of course is "You can't put brains in statues"


Karen February 2, 2011 at 6:55 am

It is always so awful, the way one moron can come in and totally ruin a hundred supportive comments. Too bad there's not a Moron Filter available for e-mail and comments, so that all that support doesn't get undermined by one or two people who think they know better. Because there always seems to be SOMEONE. No one knows better than you do what you and your children need. When I blogged I got some comments that made my hair curl and the one thing I learned was that keeping them made me keep thinking about them and going back to them. I finally started to delete the fucktards and let the ones who loved me hold me up. You are the owner and sole arbiter of your blog. You have the power to use however you see fit. I always loved that the delete of a comment was a trash can. So very fitting.


x0xJ February 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Much much love to you.
I have to agree 100%, i just came here after reading Jodie's post (having not read your's first) and i said the same exact thing, that you would WANT your children to know the truth. And i LOVE that about you, after all eventually they're going to find out, why spend years lying to "protect" them, when they will just be mad you lied to them?
Keep writing hunny. As Jodie said you are helping MANY, and it's ok for people to not understand why you're blogging, that's cool, but to then start judging you and calling you names and talking about if you're a suitable parent? FUCK YOU. Definately, perfect words to give them.
Right now no one else matters but you and those precious kids, and you need to heal and look after YOU to be able to look after them <3


Mrs J February 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Well said, Lori.

If someone is so depressed that they will actually go through with it, it will be for their own reasoning, not because they read something that "triggered them off".

This person who emailed your friend must live in Fantasy Land where it's all sunshine, lollipops and unicorns shitting sparkles, and people only talk about nice things.

What I say to that person is, get a grip on reality mate.


12ontheinside February 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Lori, I haven't read you before this week – followed a link from The Bloggess. I have nothing useful to say, but thought I'd say it anyway – I am so very, very sorry for your loss. xo


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Did any of you ever wonder why suicides are NEVER reported in the news?


Being Me February 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Oh Lori, not this too? Ugh. How utterly boring of them.

Walk where I've walked, been where I've been, be who I am, and then you may judge me.

Sum total of what's true, right there. There are so many conceited do-gooders out there who know waaaaaaay more about you and your situation than you yourself. Thoroughly astounding. It never ceases to amaze me.


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

For someone that sees more dark days than light and has considered the easy way out,I'd just like to say that reading your blog has given me a reason to push on through the bad times.When it is yourself in the bad place you can't stretch your mind to think of how it would effect the ones you love.But it those people that give me a reason to get up and function each day and reading about your experience HAS given me a reason to push on Lori.Don't let anybody silence you.People like me that are clinically depressed need to see this.The ugly aftermath…As for your kids, well what better way for them to get a true account of the actual events and not be left wondering if all the stories they willl hear over the years are chinese whispers.You have my total admiration Lori


Suz February 1, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Dear Lori, I am stunned anyone would have the gall to judge you in this circumstance….as you say, how fucking dare they. Self appointed experts and moralisers with no fucking idea. The thing is Lori, the 99% wonderful majority who are here in your blogging world are utterly focused on supporting you wherever your grief journey takes you. Without judgement, with grace and acceptance and most importantly, with love and respect. And I say to anyone who is not able to do that, Fuck Off, and let the rest of us get on with what we are here to do. None of us and most especially Lori need to be expending precious energy on these kind of arguments. Love, love, love to you Lori and respect, so much respect xxxxxxx


Amy xxoo February 1, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Brava to you Lori – way to tell them!
As far as i'm concerned, if they feel that what you are writing is inappropriate well…. THEY CAN JUST STOP READING. Simple.
Also, the whole " reading about suicide will trigger suicide " thing? What a load of bullocks. From the ages of 16-20 there was hardly a week go by where i didnt think about killing myself, and what did i do my HSC Social studies thesis on? Youth suicide. And i'm still alive, even after all that study.
Blows that stupid theory out of the water, doesnt it?


TheBoyandMe February 1, 2011 at 6:55 pm

How bloody dare they! It is your blog and therefore you are entitled to say what the hell you want. This has happened to *you*, this is your life & your reality. You write what the hell you want. Personally I think it's a good thing. If it can highlight to one person the aftermath of suicide & therefore prevent it, surely that's a good thing. Feck em!


SawHole February 1, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Get fucked self-appointed experts. Unless you have lived with suicidal depression, like I have, you have no fucking idea what you are talking about. If anything reading Lori's posts would have stopped me from taking my life.
Her writing is honest and real. If you don't like it try the Home Shopping Network.


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I have only recently started reading your blog but feel I have to comment today. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. The way in which you write is very confronting…even for me after having some awful experiences but I admire what you are doing and how you are telling your story because it's yours to tell. You are not asking people to read what you write and so to those who find it offensive I say don't read it. If a movie or book isn't to your taste then you stop, don't you? Keep doing whatever it is that may help you move forward and hopefully develop some kind of understanding or acceptance. Sending you best wishes x


Seaside Siblings February 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I totally agree, if anything reading the devastation you are living with should put anyone who is thinking about suicide off, knowing how much it would hurt their family. As for your kids, I think if they ever did read this as adults, they would be filled with love to know that their mother walked through this dark valley and did her best to protect them from it.


Sophie {Red Dust Love} February 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Lori you are an amazing woman AND mother! You have every right to be here, blogging, venting, expressing and sharing of your life. Feel no resentment towads such half wits as they are worthless people with little better to do with their time!!! Know that I and many others support your decision and hold you up through the blogosphere as you manage this horrific time in your life. We have your back girl!


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow February 1, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Fuck Yeah!

I actually thought almost the complete opposite about your kids. I thought how great it is that there is something there that (one day, when they are much, much, much older) they can read if they are so inclined and you wish to share it with them.

As we get older we want to know more about our parents, more about their experiences and how they coped. I wish my parents had kept a diary of the trauma they experienced, so that now as an adult, I could understand them better.

As for the triggering part. I have a lot of triggers – but it is my responsibility to only read things that might make me upset when I'm strong enough to. If that means avoiding some things for a few days then so be it. If it was on TV, you'd change the channel, if it's on a blog, just click away. It's really not that hard.

I'll stop rambling now, sorry.


ward.hegedus February 2, 2011 at 4:41 am

No one should ever be silenced. Just because someone else is uncomfortable hearing/reading someone else's words. It doesn't mean they don't have the right to say them.

Completely unrelated: How am I posting this from the future?


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Go for it. Just every now and then take a really deep breath.


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I love your honesty. You put yourself right out there, and I like it ! I lost my ex to suicide, and patented our daughter alone till I remarried. I wrote a journal for years after to give her when she's old enough to want to know, and strong enough. Don't let others tell you what they think is best for your kids, who are Dealing with this, let them sit behind their anonymous keyboards and tell them to fuck off again, loudly ;)


Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Your posts didn't push me over the edge I was on; they did the exact opposite. Thank you for sharing your truth.


Kel February 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Don't like? Don't read. Simple. It's not bloody rocket science.
This is your blog, your life, your children and your coping mechanism. This is about YOU, not about other people's opinions or perceptions. You're doing a wonderful thing by being open and honest and helping to break the stigma surrounding a lot of issues, and that's something you and your children can be immensely proud of. x


ejay February 1, 2011 at 5:03 pm

If the unknown 'emailer' doesn't like what he/she reads on your Blog why the hell do they bother to continue to read it…..?????

Lori do what works for you…….


toushka February 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

fuck yeah! I can't believe anyone would criticise you right now – fuck them. you're awesome and they are clearly fucked. I also applaud you – standing ovation fucking applaud you Lori.


Ashleigh February 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

There are so many of us behind you Lori, not that you need it – you are such an amazing woman. Chop and Bump are lucky little ones to have you for their mum. As Toni said above "You rock."


Julesnjaff February 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Lori – i only vaguely know you through BB but i always liked your honesty with your posts. and now, through this worst time of your life you are still being totally honest. I can't believe people would have the nerve to judge you – that's awful and 'fucked' (using your words :-) )
I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it is not your fault and there really isn't anything wrong with you. I don't have a good way with words so don't comment on much but just felt i had to after reading that people have been judging you. not good. I think of you often and hope that things get even just a tiny bit easier for you soon xxxx


ruddygood February 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Honest to fucking god, I can't believe how sanctimonious people get in this shared space we call the Internet.

This is *your* life, your feelings, your reality, your children…

You chose to share it with us, and we should (and do, some of us)feel privileged by that sharing. Why do some people feel it gives them license to leave their humanity and compassion at the metaphysical door and tell you 'where you went wrong'?

You have incredible courage. Your healing process, and the healing and future understanding of your children, will be positively influenced by your ability to digest and process Tony's suicide, as honestly as you know how.

Learning how to deal with grief and loss and pain is not something that can be learned from a book, or taught in schools, but sharing like yours, as you experience your own grief cycles, can be incredibly illuminating for us as well as cathartic for you. That's a win/win in my book.

But you blog it as you see it, and don't worry what I think, or anyone else.

And fuck you to anyone who thinks otherwise…!

PS. Of course, they probably have a problem with people using swearing for emotional emphasis as well… :P


lori February 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Opinions are like noses – everybody's got one. No one has any right to judge you. Please don't let it upset you. You have lots of support and love, so take a deep breath and let it go. XXOO


Mich February 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm

So proud of you right now! You have awesome family, friends and an equally awesome online family that are behind you 100%.

To the dick that wrote the email FUCK YOU from all of us.


Lucy February 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Oh Lori. I am gobsmacked. Truly. As I have said on Jodie's post, I will say here – as I have said in relation to ALL blogging – if someone doesn't like it – unfollow. Simple as. (If only the rest of life were that simple. If only we could unfollow our own grief and pain. I am so sorry that it's not that easy.)

Huge hugs to you. xxx


apathy lounge February 2, 2011 at 3:38 am

No one knows what it's like to be in your shoes. Even every person left behind by the suicide of a loved one is completely different from every other one. No one gets to judge you. No one. Peace. New reader here…via the Bloggess. The Lone Star State sends our love.


Danielle February 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

agreed! if they don't like it, don't read it! you are actually doing what a lot of us are scared of doing ourselves – telling the absolute truth, no matter how bad it is – lots of things you have said have been my thoughts also yet I don't know that I'd dare to admit them and I applaud you for doing so! and I send love and hugs too hoping you can draw some comfort from these well wishes from afar x


Anna February 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm

You are doing a fantastic job. Your posts show just how terrible suicide is. Bottom line. Nothing on here could ever be a trigger. You write what you want to write.


Misfits Vintage February 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Wow. Sorry that was so long. Sarah


Misfits Vintage February 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Amen. This is YOUR story and those of us who are here to read your words in solidarity and support KNOW and UNDERSTAND that there is no way any of us can ever know or understand what you are going through. We can never walk your walk.

And I can't speak for anyone else but I WANT to hear your truth and your story and your pain right now. It helps me process my own because sometimes you say things that are just right, just DESCRIBE PERFECTLY how my pain feels. And that does the opposite of 'pushing me over the edge'… it HELPS me… and makes me feel part of a community, less alone in the world and in my pain and makes me wish that there was something, some little stupid thing that I could do to help you through your nightmare.

So please keep talking, keep getting it out, keep processing and venting and documenting because as much as this hurts me to read, it HELPS me even more.

So I join you Lori – FUCK YOU to anyone who doesn't get this… just move along and keep your judgment to yourself.

Sarah xxx


Jane February 1, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Well said. If people don't want to hear what you have to say, why are they reading your blog?!?!? Silly.

I totally support your need to blog your way through this. We're here for you xxx


The Mother Freakin’ Princess February 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm



Wanderlust February 1, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Right on, babe. xo


whatsinemmasbrain February 1, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Do you know why you are a great mum? because you are doing all you can to keep your shit together, through an unimaginable trauma… for your kids and if this is how you do it, then dont stop.

xx Love XX


Brenda February 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Just breathe, Lori. Breathe. That asshole is not worth it.xxxxx


Amy February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

It honestly drives me nuts when people complain about what's out there on the internet. There is heaps of crap on the WWW that's offensive or in opposition to the beliefs of others…that's what the X button in the top right hand corner is for- shut it down, and shut it out of your life. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. If you disagree…shut it off. Don't they have better things to do than criticize things they have no idea about?

(Previous comment removed and edited because I read it back to myself and realized it sounded like I was accusing your writing of being offensive…which I don't think it is!)


Amy February 1, 2011 at 4:20 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.


beckybiscuit February 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

a standing ovation Lori! not that you need to be justifying yourself at this point in time really, Fuck em, big time! xxx


KJ February 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Speak. Get it out, for you, for your kids and for everyone else. People need to know the truth about suicide, it doesn't end with the suicide (except for the one doing it). ♥


Stylish Mummy February 1, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Hear, hear!! You tell them, Lori! xx


Shelley February 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm

this blog i a heart breaking REAL look at the aftermath of suicide, thank u for having the bravery to put this out here and letting us see a glimpse into your world.


lustforlanguage February 1, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Hon, keep doing what you're doing. You're perfect as you are. Anyone who thinks otherwise, simply has their head up their arse. x


Mrs Woog February 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I think your blog will one day help you show your beautiful babies how much Tony meant to you and how you will ultimately heal from the extreme pain you are in. So keep writing girl. And I am always more than happy to shelter you from virtual morons if you ever need a moderator.
Love Mrs Woog xo


ezymay February 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Ppl have no idea. As you know, Lori my mother killed herself when I was 4. I never knew that til I was 12. I used to tell ppl she got struck by lightning just because as a child I had to have something to tell when people asked why she died. As a teenager and even now I know very little about my mum. A few years ago my dad found a travel diary of hers from well before she met my dad and having me. It showed signs of the sadness she carried her whole life. It was the closest I got to knowing her, no one else ever says much but I want to know more…everything!!!…no matter how hard (and some stuff I have found out is terribly hard). So for me a child who has been where yours are, I would be grateful for something like your blog. If when they want to know and are ready it's here for them.


Spiralmumma February 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Well said Lori-continue to speak your truth and be as honest as you like. I am quite positive most applaud you for it. And a big FUCK YOU to anyone who doesn't.


Breanne February 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

High five!!!!


Madmother February 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Just posted a somewhat similar reply on Jodie's blog. Should have known you'd already know it.

xx My friend.


Craig February 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

To be asked to hide the truth is to be asked to live in shame. "YOU SPEAK". I live with suicidal depression. Reading your blog hurts my heart for you, not me. It will NOT ever be the trigger for me to end my life. Anybody that thinks otherwise is a fucking idiot with an opinion but no understanding of what depression is.

So there are a few people out there who find your subject matter really really uncomfortable to read. Have they offered support or help. I doubt it. All these wankers want is a platform for their opinion. These narcissistic egomaniacs actually think their opinions are a community service. Dick-heads. They are not looking to actually help anyone. They are fishing for validation of their opinions. Cheap and easy.

One of the ways that I can tell my depression is on the improve is that I want to hurt those people more than I want to hurt myself. Thats a good thing.


Mrs BC February 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Lori, you are awesome. You are a great mum, and talented writer. I am happy to read anything you have to say on your blog, & I will stand with you to say a big FUCK YOU to any moron who thinks otherwise.
More power to you.
Mrs BC


Dee February 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I am a relative newcomer to your blog….and your hurt breaks my heart. But its good to see you sticking to your guns, this is your space to do and use as you please…if others don't like it then they don't need to read it.

You're strong Lori, you will get through this. My thoughts are with you and your family xxx


Toni February 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I wish I could say that I can't believe anyone would be so self-righteous, so pompous, but sadly I can believe it.
As you go through stuff in life, you learn that you have no right to hold an opinion on someone elses' life until you've walked in their shoes, and even then you'd better tread lightly because we all handle things differently and no experience is ever the same for any two people.
Lori, I wanted to applaud you when I read your reply. In fact, I'm damn well going to.
You rock.


lifeasmummymax February 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Good on u. I've only just started reading ur blog recently but you writing how u feel is a good thing not a bad thing. If nothing else it's raising awareness of an issue that is rarely talked about let alone told with all the truth.
These people who have an issue with it seriously…. It's your blog…not theirs!!


Good Golly Miss Holly! February 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

FAWSKOVNJOAEHFJOEW Grieving is different for everyone, I am tired of people telling you how you be grieving. They can take their unwanted opinions, misplaced concerns and shove it up their fucking asses. AARGH!


iamevilcupcake February 1, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Bravo Lori. Really. I'm so glad you feel this way. It's important to know and understand and accept that this is your grief and no one else can tell you how to think/feel/grieve.

And you are right. Fuck them. This isn't about them. This is about you and your kids. Nobody else.


Jo February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I think your writing is raw, real and honest. I hope it is therapeutic in some way for you. I live with a husband with significant mental health issues and suicidal tendencies. I am scared sometimes by what I read, but never ever want you to stop writing because it is the truth.
I often think about you, and can not comprehend what you deal with on a day to day basis. I wish you and your family all the best that life can give you.
Thank you for your blog. It's brilliant.


Mumstrosity February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

It's your blog. Your emotions. Your kids. Your life. You say what you gotta say. Your kids will be so proud to have such a strong, open and honest mother.
You shouldn't have to keep secrets. It's your story, and it will be heard by those who want to hear it. And we are all still here listening xo


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