Well, fuck.
You choose between being frozen and numb and relatively safe; or alive and able to laugh and be hurt and cry.
And while it’s lovely to be happy, when it hurts it’s excruciating. Pain is not just heartache, it’s magnified by what I’ve seen, by my own sucking black hole of neediness.
It’s not you, says a mate of mine. It’s fucked, but it’s not your fault. It’s just your situation– you’re reactive to everything, and that can’t be helped.
But eventually your situation becomes part of you. Reactions, to a certain extent, are so much out of your control.
It’s not my fault, I didn’t choose this, I didn’t do this. Yet it effects everything. It scares people, the horror of my situation too confronting. And no matter how much I try to hide it, my pain is a too real, too raw, still fresh and bleeding. While I’ve had so long to get to used to it, for other people it can still be a shock, even when they know me– they think they’ve seen everything, that they know just how bad it is, and then I’ll inadvertently reveal another facet, another hole it’s left, another horrible consequence of this event. And people will turn away, without meaning too, without realizing it– but I see it, every time, attuned to it as I am.
I am so sick of this. I wish I could forget about it, but I can’t. If I had divorced, a year… That’s enough time to be ‘over it’. When someone’s died, when someone’s taken their own life… It doesn’t matter how much how much time has passed, how used to the idea I am– for everyone else this is too much, too much, too soon, too full on, far too real to deal with. Me, and the events that took place, bound together and inseparable and painful. I can let go, as much as psychologically possible… But other peoples can’t, and how can I blame them? I know the horror of this, I know how fucking awful this is, I live it every day.
And do you know what it’s like, to live like this? To be frozen and feel nothing, want nothing, go through the motions, with the only thing you really ever feel being an ugly, deep, searing anger…?
Or the flip side of that tarnished coin… to defrost, just a little, to trust someone just a bit, quite possibly to be kicked in the guts because it’s just too much to handle; when I didn’t do this, this is not my fault… all I want to do is move on, but that’s far too difficult a request to ask of other people.
So you defrost, you get burnt, it hurts all over again. What choice is there but to freeze again? It doesn’t matter if that means you don’t laugh, don’t smile, that the only emotion you ever really feel is anger… at least it doesn’t hurt. At least you won’t be be kicked in the face all over again, reminded not to trust anyone.
Numb. This is no way to live. But people are idiots and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt like this.
This has eaten me, whole, and I can no longer function is the normal world.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a pretty good idea as to what happened.
Don't you think that you were playing with fire? Were you honest with people? If not, how did you think they would react if they felt you wronged them?
Accountability for your own actions. Practice this in your future daily affairs and move on.
Holly knows what she is talking about.
I don't function in the normal world. Other people (friends and family) found our reality too difficult to deal with, so they left. And we've found that it's easier for us to not-function when we're not surrounded by people who expect us to be the same as we were. To function as we did. But we don't anymore.
We function best together, because we are really the ones who know what we went through, and what we still go through. And we've met some new people. People who know us now, the "after-dead-children" us. And that helps. A little bit. To know there are people who accept us for who we are now.
I've lost a lot of "friends" in the last few months because they could no longer cope with my continued pain. It's been three years! Perhaps less when you consider how long the end dragged out. How long it took for all the betrayals to become obvious. How long it took for me to accept what has been done to me. I spent 18 years living a lie, living with abuse, how can three years be enough to "get over it"?
You're OK. We're here….
Love you xxx
Lori,
Stay strong and hang on. Things will get better, it will get easier.
~Christy
You ARE functioning in this world…and there is nothing normal about it. Nobody is functioning normally…they are all just doing it the best they can and wear masks to make it all seem like they are just the same as everyone else. Sometimes our masks just slip off and it makes everyone uncomfortable because it reminds them how easily their own masks can slip.
Stop underestimating yourself Lori, you are worth more than how much you sell yourself short. One day, one minute at a time. Just see what the future brings….it's always worth trying. Always.
Holly
Honey big hugs to you … remember you do not have to be anything for anyone except you and your two little ones. For the rest of them who are expecting you to be or act or do things in their timing tell them to go jump.
You have been through so much and are still standing. you are much loved by many (probably more than you know)reach out to anyone if you need help … or a hug or a cuppa.
Take care Lori and big hugs as this wave passes over you
Crap. I was meant to find this blog. I have had similar thoughts to your Tony. I'm glad I found you. If you need to read a light blog while you're feeling nothing, please find me at:
http://dilettantediva.blogspot.com.au/
I'm so sorry you are going through this Lori. For what it's worth, I can relate, I remember feeling so similarly, so very angry… A year really is so incredibly fresh… you think you should be over it, but grief is just so much more complicated than we ever guessed. It took me years Lori. Years. Nearly four years for me now and things are no longer a struggle, I have traction again. It will get better, I promise you it will. What you are feeling is perfectly understandable.
I'm so sorry Lori. Thankyou for sharing your journey. xx
Be strong. While it's no substitute for a proper hug from family or friends, feel free to drop me or (he states fairly confidently from the nature of the rest of the commenters) anyone else here an email – even if it just needs to be an outpouring to a receptive ear. There have been plenty of recipients of my bile in the past, and my trials have been nothing next to yours.
I'm not sure if you are a person of faith – I would not be surprised, given what you've been through, if your faith was shaken – but something that I believe is that God helps us through difficult times not by taking the difficulties away, but by making us stronger so that we can fight our way through it. And placing people in our way to help shoulder the load. Don't doubt that these people are around you – even if some of us are little more than strangers.
Oh Lori, I hear you. I feel you. It's so hard in the inbetween. Your true friends, the ones who have not turned away, run to them and let them love you. My love to you and your little folk too.
You do what you need to do to get thru each day, honey. If you have to be numb right now, then do it. its awful, bloody awful. But I get it. Numb is still alive. With alive, things can improve. And hey, i'm in a psych ward right now so I know how much pain can be: enough! No more!
Stay away from the idiots, stay numb for as long a you have to. Thaw as necessary. Xxxx
Lori, are you thinking of committing suicide? Are you safe right now? This post today has me very worried. xx
So much love heading your way. You may not feel it, but it's there.
A year wasn't enough or me. It took me many many years to come to terms with my divorce and 12 years on I can still cry if the memories are triggered. But in the end i also found a new parallel life. It's not a replacement, just different. People will let you down, people do that but don't freeze out the opportunity for someone not to. Have hope in your heart xxxxxxxx
I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish so badly that you didn't have to be hurt ever again.
Yes, all this is hard and ugly for other people to have to hear about.
But don't they realise that it's all in your head and your heart, 24/7?
And I expect you are very needy and very hard to be around — but do they not realise that you have to live with yourself and this situation all day, every day?
THEY get to not think about you, and Tony, and the Before, and all the rest of it. They get a break from it.
You don't.
So if you have to freeze for a while, chick, to survive, then so be it.
Just don't forget to thaw again.
Because love and acceptance, when you find them, they're worth it.
x