Some days there just doesn’t seem much point to this.
The future looks very bleak. There’s not much to look forward to.
And I’m just so exhausted. And sad. And awfully sick of thinking.
Honestly, it would be such a pleasure to just… sleep.
It’s not I want to die. I don’t, particularly.
But living isn’t much right now, either.
The only thing that keeps me here, are my children. And not because I enjoy their company so very much- although i do, but every time I look at them, it reminds me of what I’ve lost- but simply because it would be so unfair. So chronically, unbelievably unfair on them.
They never asked for this, any more than I did. And I won’t burden them with more than they already have.
And,if I’m honest- and I am, here, always- I’ve considered taking them with me. So I could go, I could die, and not have to worry about what would happen to them…
We could all be a family again.
But such gorgeous little people, who enjoy their days so much.. how could I deny the world the chance to have them in it?
That would be unfair, a travesty to society. Because they are brilliant people, and will do amazing things.
So.. I discount trees and walls when driving, ignore them rather then turning the wheel toward to them. I walk straight past coils of sinister orange nylon rope at the hardware store, without stroking them longingly. Without even looking back.
I don’t want to die.
I just want to be with Tony again.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I had a friend who lost her husband. I remember her saying that she wanted it to end. Wanted to sleep, just like you. But then she didn't want to leave her twin sons. Oh, the quandry. She's still here. And her life is now far better than she ever imagined.
xx
Hey Lori –
I am so glad that you are aware of your thought process and so are able to confront it. You are an amazing mom but on the first read through of this I was so scared for you. Scared people would want to take your children from you.
As for the little ones, to me I think of how lucky they are to have a mom like you and how lucky their soul mates are. It's something people don't think much about but you are raising and nurturing such beautiful souls who will be able to be such engaged and good partners. Their soul mates are out there waiting for them lori. And they are going to be so grateful