“How do you not just… blurt it all out, the second you meet them?”
It’s not a sharp pain this time, just the dull ache of disappointment.
I’ve been hurt again, and I’m kicking myself, because it’s my own stupid fault.
Too vulnerable, too much, too trusting, too soon.
A lovely first date, where you laugh and smile and kiss and there’s butterflies and warmth and connection.
And then… a second date. And things get more emotional, and we talk.
And talking is where I make my mistake. I confess that I’m needy and I’m still hurting, that I’m vulnerable. That I’ll probably need compliments, and love, and someone to take care of me.
Because, really, that’s all I want. Someone to love me. Someone to be strong for me.
And what a stupid, stupid thing to do. Trust this man who I feel I know so well. How many times must I be kicked in the face before I learn to trust no one?
Because, no, it’s far too much. What I need, what’s happened to me…. the state my emotions are in. The horror of my head.
I fucking deal with this 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I’m searching for someone who I can trust, someone who is willing to enter my head for a few hours every day or so. I know it’s a horrible place to be. I try to be sunny and happy and optimistic, for my own sanity, but mostly for the people around me…. if I am emotional, people leave. It is too much to deal with.
And that’s just what happened here. He’s sorry, really sorry, and he feels like an arsehole, he should have known what he was getting himself into, but he didn’t realise the reality of it. And he doesn’t want to hurt me.
And please, no one tell me it was better to have found out now. I know that. It doesn’t make it any easier. Doesn’t make me any less dissapointed.
After a third date, then umming and ahhhing over it for a while, going hot and cold, taking me by the hand then pushing me away again.. this guy ended up dumping me, by text message, three days before my birthday.
I’d like to say I was devastated, heartbroken… but as I’ve said before, it’s more disappointment than anything.
I have to stop this, I can’t keep letting myself get hurt like this. It’s time to let the idea of seeking a date pass, I think. If the universe has a man waiting in the wings, an impossible one liked I asked for, stashed somewhere nearby…. then surely he’ll find me?
I’m not sure why, it’s not a great photo, and out of focus. It’s something about his startling blue, very kind eyes.
Of course there’s more to the story, isn’t there always…? Stay tuned. You know I’ll keep you posted.