Internet Dating 107- Black Widow.

by Lori Dwyer on November 23, 2011 · 22 comments

Who are you, in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty...? 

“How do you not just… blurt it all out, the second you meet them?”

It’s not a sharp pain this time, just the dull ache of disappointment.

I mentioned I had another Internet date just the other day, and I said it wasn’t the dangerous type…. I was wrong.

I’ve been hurt again, and I’m kicking myself, because it’s my own stupid fault.

Too vulnerable, too much, too trusting, too soon.

A lovely first date, where you laugh and smile and kiss and there’s butterflies and warmth and connection.

And then… a second date. And things get more emotional, and we talk.

And talking is where I make my mistake. I confess that I’m needy and I’m still hurting, that I’m vulnerable. That I’ll probably need compliments, and love, and someone to take care of me.

Because, really, that’s all I want. Someone to love me. Someone to be strong for me.

And what a stupid, stupid thing to do. Trust this man who I feel I know so well. How many times must I be kicked in the face before I learn to trust no one?

Because, no, it’s far too much. What I need, what’s happened to me…. the state my emotions are in. The horror of my head.

I fucking deal with this 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I’m searching for someone who I can trust, someone who is willing to enter my head for a few hours every day or so. I know it’s a horrible place to be. I try to be sunny and happy and optimistic, for my own sanity, but mostly for the people around me…. if I am emotional, people leave. It is too much to deal with.

And that’s just what happened here. He’s sorry, really sorry, and he feels like an arsehole, he should have known what he was getting himself into, but he didn’t realise the reality of it. And he doesn’t want to hurt me.

Too late.

And please, no one tell me it was better to have found out now. I know that. It doesn’t make it any easier. Doesn’t make me any less dissapointed.

At least I know it’s not just me. There are a few of us… I won’t link, because I wouldn’t know where to link to. But it seems amongst young widows, suicide widows in particular, this, like skin hunger, is quite common.
Black widows, who carry the deepest pain of rejection around with us, ready to spill out on those we find comfort in. Please, I know it’s well meaning, but don’t tell me this simply means I am not ready, I am moving on too soon… I don’t think it would matter if I waited twenty years. I doubt that this would dissipate just because it was locked away.
Besides, taking someone lost, and making them feel safe… isn’t that what love is about? Finding someone you care enough to do that for?


After a third date, then umming and ahhhing over it for a while, going hot and cold, taking me by the hand then pushing me away again.. this guy ended up dumping me, by text message, three days before my birthday.

I’d like to say I was devastated, heartbroken… but as I’ve said before, it’s more disappointment than anything.

I have to stop this, I can’t keep letting myself get hurt like this. It’s time to let the idea of seeking a date pass, I think. If the universe has a man waiting in the wings, an impossible one liked I asked for, stashed somewhere nearby…. then surely he’ll find me?

I don’t know why, when I’ve decided to give up, but just after my birthday, just after my visit to the medium, I log on to that nasty internet dating website one more time… I think my intention is to close my account, hide my profile for a while.
And then someone’s picture, scrolling along the line of ‘online and available men’- generally a scrawling freak show, a moving example of why internet dating is a bad idea, but today… soemone’s picture stands out.

I’m not sure why, it’s not a great photo, and out of focus. It’s something about his startling blue, very kind eyes.

Of course there’s more to the story, isn’t there always…? Stay tuned. You know I’ll keep you posted.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Livi December 13, 2011 at 6:05 am

Bless you for being so amazingly strong. I haven't been through anything even half as traumatic as you and I just can't bring myself to date at all, that trust is gone


Shellye December 5, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I agree with Anonymous. Everyone is needy in some way. It doesn't matter if it's the same or different needs, we all are needy, sometimes more so at one point than another.

Someone who breaks up with you in a text message…that's just wrong and selfish and immature.


Oldie November 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Trust no one?

Sadly.. it would seem to be the case.. but it is more about information sharing and boundaries…. in other words, all information has to be on a need to know basis.

There is no rush to blurt it all out on a first or second date… people could just take more time and lern to enjoy the company without Expectations.. become Friends.

There is plenty of time before anyone needs to get into the deep and meaningful discussions… so try tojust enjoy the company, not having to see it going anywhere yet.. so it can be what it is supposed to be for you.


Library girl November 24, 2011 at 8:08 am

Don't give up. Don't not trust. Be who you are, warts and all. Yes, you're going to meet some real assholes but god, the very NEXT one could be the one! Don't push your feelings down. Be honest with them. If they can't handle it, that's their loss. It's so terribly hard now. And you think it will never happen. But trust me – believe me – it will. Life is far too wonderful to stop loving! You'll make it.


Anonymous November 24, 2011 at 2:46 am

I too am a "suicide widow"..the difference being I'm a lesbian, and we hadn't yet had children..

(I since have, by myself and then met someone wonderful who I plan to spend my life with!)

It's an enormous thing for someone new to deal with.
I was incredibly lucky that I met someone who loved me & was my rock for those first few months.. I unfortunately felt nothing but friendship for her & we have since lost contact because I couldn't return her feelings…

My beautiful girl once said to me, people enter our lives for a "reason, season or a lifetime"… I felt that her leaving was ensuring herself a "lifetime", because I would love & remember her for the rest of mine.

And that special friend who took care of me for all that time came into my life for a "reason" & I (& my family) will be forever grateful to her for that..

I wish I could have felt the same way, but I truly believe she came into my life at that particular time to carry me through my darkness..

<3 Lori you make me laugh, cry, scream & want to hug you all in one breath! Keep on keeping on darling!! xx


Melissa November 24, 2011 at 1:36 am

Hey Lori – so sorry another buffoon stumbled through your life. Don't give up, the right one is out there. Be who you are – even though it will scare the weak ones away. You are amazing and you might as well lay it all out on the table – and a good man will scoop you up :)


Annabellz November 24, 2011 at 1:31 am

Lori… honestly you are amazing. Don't forget it. You are on track. To bear your soul and to be ready and open will take you "there" but "here" is where you need to be.

I have not been where you are as a widow but when I was looking painfully after a horrid life of solid hurt I was looking for the "mate" soulmate or otherwise I was on a mission. I prayed on day for the man and I asked that I be led to him. Little did I know he was there for a few years already and one day I realized it. He was a man I worked with and then suddenly after we had not worked together for a few years we dated rather out of the blue and haphazardly we met up more than once… fate had it in for us (in a good way)… please don't give up and don't fear you are wrong by holding yourself to what you want.



MummyK November 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I hope one day I can help you find the one for you. I really do. I've set up two couples who got married. Maybe I still have some powers left for you.


georgi November 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm

'are you sure you're not gay' – made me laugh! totally understand that sentiment.

let yourself feel. i am so sorry to hear you got hurt. he's not the right guy for you; he seems a bit corwardly..

go easy on yourself. xoxo


Canadian in Glasgow November 23, 2011 at 9:01 pm

There is pain in trying…but there is also pain in not trying.

Just keep being you…keep being honest…and when the right piece to your puzzle comes along, he won't be scared off. Or run away. Or hide his face from you. He'll get it.

Are you sure you aren't gay? Because as a whole? Us women are a fuck of alot nicer and stronger. Sometimes I get genuinely pissed off I like boys.


Anonymous November 23, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Hi Lori

Well I've had the phone call & the letter break up before (bad enough), but never the SMS! (Slack)…So I'm now thinking, do or did you reply? (Could just pretend you never got it) & if one does reply, what do you reply with? … “yep no worries” or “get far away shove it where the sun don’t shine”? Sort of thing….or is there a vernacular like OMG & LOL for just this sort of thing?????…So many questions, I know, but as I said, you’re got me thinking & commenting for the first time.

I heard once & have never forgotten (which is rare for me)…. LOVE is putting the other person’s needs in front of your own. So as like a lot of others have said, you have done no wrong in my eyes…Just saying.

Now for a bit of fun/mystery/spice things up (not in a stalker type way) for all us Jelly Bean’s (Keep em) or maybe just a test to see if you do read my 1st time comment & other’s caring comments from some wonderful caring people out there, (I know you read them), or maybe the devil is in me??…….When are we going to catch up??……OMG time, I think, who could it be???

Not to be known as Anonymous (what # are we up to now?), just call me Cheers for now; let me know if you need more clues who it is.


Carly Findlay November 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

You know what – we have similar barriers. People don;t take the time to get to know you because of your emotional state, and people don't take the time to get to know my because of my physical state. It is tough. I don't think you are asking too much, and plus, it is very easy to build trust when they are saying all the right things.

I also know what skin hunger feels like. I sent you a tweet, but here is the link. I yearn for touch so much. As a person that others think is contagious, or that they're going to hurt, touch can be rare.


Me November 23, 2011 at 4:59 pm

It is so hard not to blurt everything out and to hold it all in because that is so much a part of who you are.

I do think that a TEXT is just wrong – he should have had the balls to do it face to face with you – nobody deserves a text in that situation.

I'm sorry that I have no advice to give you – all I can do is send lots of love, hugs and positive energy – when the time is right, it will happen. It has to because you are an amazing human being (bean) who deserves to have someone special in your life.


Melissa November 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Lori –

The right person will love and care for you no matter what. And if they fall for you when you're not at your best, then that is a good idea that they will love you at your best too.

Your past is your past. It is yours to cherish, and yours to hold close. You aren't obligated to share the details, or any of it for that matter, until you KNOW FOR SURE that this guy is WORTHY of knowing about such important things. This gentleman was clearly not worthy.

You will meet the man, Lori. And when you do, it's not going to be a big deal to tell him about anything and everything in your life.

Much love as always.


Miss Pink November 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You're not asking too much.
You are not AT ALL. And you keep asking for what you need, what you want, because you deserve it all and there WILL be someone out there who is more than willing and happy to give it to you.
You just need to hold out for them, and hope that the toads have all been kissed and your prince is waiting.


Anonymous November 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm

The thing is…you ARE emotional, and needy, and vulnerable and hurting. You DO need love, compliments and someone to take care of you. And thats what being you, being Lori, being human is all about. And that's ok. Nothing wrong with it at all.

Anything else would be contrived. And there's nothing quite so exhausting as trying to be who you are not.

And if, while being you, and being true to yourself, the dreams seem to appear, only to fade away, then they just weren't yet right, weren't meant to be.

So, the disappointments will come and go, and yes, they are damn sore when they happen, but you still just have to stay true to yourself, your values and priorities and hopes. Don't lose hold of that, please.

– Mouse


KateOnTheGo November 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I'm going to divert a little here and rage on the page about the fact that he TEXTED you, rather than speak to you face to face. Spineless ar$e. Anyone that texts you his true emotions surely isn't mature enough to handle the weight of anyone's baggage (not just yours specifically).

As my friends would always say to me "shoulders back, t*ts out and……NEXT!"


Vicky November 23, 2011 at 10:47 am

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

I think that summarises it best.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, keep going. You can do it. I know you can.

Light love and lots of hugs. xxx
(and I'll put in an order to the universe for your knight in shining armour ;) )


Anonymous November 23, 2011 at 9:55 am

Everyone is needy in some way, and vulnerable and messy. It's called being human. It's an unevolved person who can't see that. It's just you said it, aloud, which is a bit unusual in the world of dating :)

Disappointment is universal, it doesn't belong only to vulnerability. I've tried to be so un-needy, so un-vulnerable, so teflon, and I was still disappointed and I wasn't me either.

Buggar this one Lori. You're on the right track to finding what you need. If you do find the man you seek, he'll pass you by unless you put yourself out there (on dating sites or whatever) messy self and all.


SirFWALGMan November 23, 2011 at 8:52 am

I hate to mention it.. but do you think your asking too much after three dates.. sure there is someone out there that will love you, and take your pain and make it their own… but after a handful of dates that seems like a lot to drop on someone. You need to build up trust and love and I think it takes time.. I dunno, just some of my own thoughts… I hope you find your peace and happiness.


Steph(anie) November 23, 2011 at 8:39 am

I think you are right that it will hurt even if you wait. And if you want it, doesn't that right there mean you're ready?


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