The worst of it was knowing.
This neighbour on my doorstep,the look in his eyes… I knew.
“Is she dead? Is she dead? She’s dead, isn’t she? Is she dead?”
He asks me if my husband is there and that feels like a punch in the guts. My mate Bunny is there, thank goodness, and he goes with the neighbour to retrieve my dog’s body.
I am shaking and breathing fast and in the middle of a massive, rolling flashback. The words coming out of my mouth, that sick feeling of already knowing… I’ve very much been there before (“He’s dead, isn’t he? He’s dead, he’s dead…”)
And it intensifies as I walk quickly to my neighbours- again, blessedly, my son is asleep. I talk to the nice neighbours nice wife, crouched in her driving, crying.
I’ve been there before too.
It’s almost a relief when I realise that this is a flashback… it’s nt my husband dieing all over again. These emotions, they are not as painful and intense as that flashback would have me believe.
Bunny buries Scarlette in the backyard, crying all the while. I buy a lavender plant today, and plant it over her grave.
It’s a relief, again, that dogs are buried quickly and have so little- a bowl, a bed, a stick and a ball, and that’s it. A bag of dog food to be passed on.
My son takes it so much better than I expected, so much better than me. The resilience of this child fascinates and terrifies me. He tells me it’s OK, Scarlette is in Heaven with Daddy now, and how can I not smile at that?
Later in the day, it plays on his mind, and he asks me- is he going to Heaven soon? What about me, his sister, the cat? No, I assure, we are not going to Heaven for a very, very long time, we are staying right here.
And I feel like a liar. Because I promised him that about his dog, just six months ago.
Thank you all so much for your support and love, as always. I’m still a bit flabbergasted… seriously, what the f*ck?
On the upside, the Bumpy thing had an absolutely fabulous birthday party. Evidence here provided by my lovely Sarie….
Cute, hey? More on the Bump soon. She’s a big girl now.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I've only just read this now… and I am so sorry.
After losing her Poppy this year Lacey is constantly scared of death. If we get a sore toe, or a headache she frets that we're dying. It's so hard.
I just wanted to share that, because I know it's nothing like what you or your children are going through … but it's something. And sometimes there is comfort in that. xx
She is so beautiful! Glad she had a super birthday.
xx
Lori, I've been reading your blog for just a few months now…but I've read all of it. Every post…from Before…and After. And I couldn't quite put into words what I wanted to say…until today. Part of what I want to say is: No one can tell you how to mourn. You've said yourself you've never had to grieve or mourn the loss of anyone before Tony. So how are you supposed to "know" how to "do it the right way"?? There is no right way! Everyone deals with loss in thier own way. However YOU need to grieve or deal with the pain or cope or mourn is FINE!! Don't let anyone tell you that you have done or are doing anything wrong. You aren't. You're surviving a traumatic, tragic, event that 99% of people have never experienced. So fuck them if they don't understand. I think about you and the kids all the time and I pray that where you've moved, you have more emotional support around you. I'm so sorry to read about your dog. My pets are my children and I'm facing the reality of losing one of my cats within a year or so (untreatable heart disease). Perhaps you should all go pick out a puppy together? From a shelter of course. Fuck puppy mills and petstores. Or maybe a cat, could snuggle with the kids as they sleep..or maybe you. Sometimes all we need is a good snuggle through the night. God Bless.
Lori,
Just read your latest entry and watched your video and I am in awe of you. You are amazingly resilient with everything that is going on. Thanks for sharing and being so inspiring. I will am thinking of you three.
Best,
Natalie
The Bump looks so pretty! Glad her party went well!
I'm glad that Chop took it so well. He's right, you know. She's up in Heaven with his daddy. I'm glad he understands and accepts that as comfort, however I agree that someone his age shouldn't have to be faced with such knowledge.
As always, I'm praying for you (every time I'm here, I always say a prayer for you, good days and bad, and every time you pop into my head, I ask God to be with you) and I love you.
Hi Lori, I'm really sorry you and your kids have to go through losing your dog as well. Your poor dog. That's so sad, losing a pet can be every bit as devastating as a human death in my opinion because they are a part of the family. Best wishes x
I'm thinking of you and your family in this really crappy time. I just want to give you all a big squeeze.
That is some serious cute going on there!!
So sorry to hear about your Doggy.
They provide such love and companionship.
Aww the Bump looks like a rainbow fairy princess! Glad to hear she enjoyed her day, and hope that made your heart feel better for a while….
Oo My Word, you've got your hands full there. That look says it all…she's living life to the full
There would be a seriously emo comment from me here but I'll spare you. Bump looks gorgeous x
Ahhh Bump is ADORABLE. She seems like a lot of fun!
Ugh. Fuck death. It's got to be the hardest thing to talk about, to kids, to adults, to anyone, at any time. It's just such a fucked up thing.
Thanks for the update, I was wondering how you and the kids were getting on. I'm getting lost for words, I keep starting and deleting sentences. Just know you're in my thoughts. xxx
FMIDK
So sad
my girls often ask how long our dog (3) will live and it breaks my heart to tell them the truth (maybe another 10 years, at most). Why don't they live longer? 
Your little pumpkins are adorable! I pray that in spite of all the storms, you will find incredible grace and strength within you to carry you through.
Love and hugs to all three of you!
You know, your resilience is pretty remarkable, too
I can't imagine how awful and scary that flashback must have been – you have amazing presence of mind.
Looks like the Bump had a great birthday – despite the sad circumstances.
Your little girl is gorgeous! Im glad she had a fun birthday
Im so sorry to hear about your dog, thats so sad xxx Ive been thinking about you & your kiddies a lot lately (hope you dont think thats weird?)
Your Bump is absolutely beautiful, and I'm glad to hear she had a happy birthday.
I hold you all in my heart, Lori.
That child melts my heart, she does!
The Bug and I have conversations about heaven too. We've talked about it often when she's ask about my dad and my nan but Candy's death has made heaven a hot topic. She doesn't understand how my heart skips a beat when she innocently asks if she can go to heaven too. Bless their curiosity but there are just some things that I don't want to talk about x