There comes a point, I think, when you know the worst of it is over.
It’s always going to hurt. We’ve established that. But, for some reason, it feels like there is a tiny little bit of sunshine.
The season has changed. Quite literally. It’s gone from Summer, to Autumn, overnight.
Thank God. Summer, it felt like hell. Again, quite literally. The pain, the shock, the trauma.. and the heat, the oppressive humidity.
If there is a Hell on Earth, maybe I’ve been there.
Or maybe I should not be so cocky. They say God punishes us for what we can not imagine.
He most certainly does.
But….
There comes a point, I think, where you get busy living.. or you get busy dieing.
Living. Sorting out the kinks in your life. Making limbo an OK place to be, where you have some control, until you know, financially, what is going on.
The next few months will be spent waiting.
But that’s OK.
I think we need time here, to grieve, to heal. In our Gingerbread House, which is still the Purple House underneath.
So… Lori. Of her essence.
Redefining my whole life.
Redefining what I thought about Tony, what I thought about me. Redefining my ideas on raising children, on dealing with raising a boy-child, on schools and locations and all those other little things I never thought I would be working out for myself. Redefining who I am…
Taking the bits of me, and sticking them back together. Incorporating this new person, this strong, sad person, into the rest of me. What’s left of me.
So,I gather up the pieces. The part of Lori that I left, screaming “He’s dead, he’s dead”, clutching her daughter in our back laneway… she’s back now, somewhere deep inside, being comforted by a part of my soul that makes cups of tea and teaches yoga and reads stories about fairies before bed.
In fact, it’s not just her. There’s quite a few pieces of me- a piece I left behind in the ER at the hospital, a piece I left behind in the ICU. A piece of me that grieves for my husband, another that weeps for the sunshine of my purple life. And another that is bitter and jealous, and misses being a ‘wife’, when she loved being married so.
All of them, gathered up. Along with five year old Lori, gobsmacked that her fairytale has come to end. Comforting each other, receiving comfort from the strength I never knew I had.
I’m stronger than I thought I was, I think.
Or maybe not. Strength isn’t optional, sometimes. Sometimes, you just have to keep going.
Because what else can you do?
Except hope, that if you keep going enough, keep pushing through the pain, eventually you are going to want to move forward… not just have to.
{ 101 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori,
You continue to amaze me with your strength and clarity. May the sun shine on you today & give you a reason to smile, even if it is for a fleeting moment, knowing that we will be smiling right along side you.
You are touching so many lives with your honest sharing of your world.
Sending you hugs. xx
Oh Lori.. this post really touched me.
Know that we are still listening. Still hoping for you and sending you pieces of sunshine, so that one day soon, your sun may shine on its own accord xx
I am just a small voice lost in the millions who admire you.
But I do.
For every reason you already would have heard a million times over and back again.
But for one more.
You are human.
It's an extremely admirable quality in a world full of people who try to hide that very fact.
xx
you do these posts but I don't think you fully realize how STRONG you are.
yes it is beyond horrible and you feel fractured
but you are still here, you are still able to write, you are still able to love, you are still able to remember good and bad.
you are still able to inspire
*hugs* from someone you have touched with your strength and courage
Lori, been reading along here for weeks, crying for you and praying for you. It's incredibly brave to be so honest about how you feel – both about the hell of your situation and about this cool breeze that is wafting through for you at the moment. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. If it feels like hell again tomorrow, that's entirely understandable… you don't need to say that things are better when they aren't… but I hope this gives you hope that some days will be better and there will be more and more of those days as time passes. Take care of yourself, you are precious.
“It seems that the longer we’re here experiencing the ride of life, the more life gives and takes from us. In this journey, our souls, like tattooed bodies, hold the patterns of brightly blooming, colorful pain that burns and slowly heals over time until it fades into the outline of our memory – still there, always there, but never quite the same.”
Dawn Mantas
The light of hope is a powerful thing.
I hope you go from strength to strength as you regroup and rebuild your lives (You, Bump & Chop).
I wish I knew you in person, but I want you to know I support you from afar (all they way from NYC) and have only the greatest respect for you. Stay strong, I am sending you my good vibes!
Lori – I haven't been able to post prior to this but I just wanted to say that you are an amzing woman.
You have experienced what no person should…..and you have hit rock bottom (who wouldn't) but through tenacity, strength and courage you have started the long slow climb back out of the haze.
We are all very proud of you!
We often don't know our strengths until we are challenged. Some challenges are just so unfair (like this one) yet you have proven that you had it in you to work through it and so will you continue to do so for many years, decades to come!
Welcome back! Peek around the corner and then step out into the sunlight when you feel ready – and not a moment sooner!
Kim
Yes, that's it…keep going….you've reached a turning point. xx
You really amaze me. You're the strongest person I know, hands down. As of now, you are part of my every prayer and every inspiration.
xxx
My gawd, it is just flowing out of you and it is beautiful. It may not feel beautiful, but it is priceless in its truth.
This post reminded me of lyrics from an Indigo Girls song, Fare Thee Well:
so fare thee well my bright star
last night the tongues of fire circled me around
this strange season of pain will come to pass
when the healing hands of autumn cool me down
Hugs. Sending you love to help you keep finding that strength and rebuilding. xx
Hi Lori,
I'm so glad to come here today (after checking in every day) to find you are back & you are feeling slightly more positive about life. Hooray! I'm just so glad you're back, let alone the glimmer of hope! I wish I could do something for you in real life, but all I can do is hold you up from a computer screen a long way away. Sending lots of love xox Winter from BB
You got it, hon. You *are* strong, but it's totally ok not to be that every day.
But I feel, from here, you get even stronger. Little by little. Baby steps.
xxx
So happy to know you are feeling more positive, feeling a little sunshine. Enjoy it beautiful!
Lots of love xoxoxo
In the words of my favourite quote:
What lies behine you and what lies before you are but tiny matters compared to what lies with in you"
sending you love and light, and warm hugs hunny. xoxox
p.s yoga….I didn't know you taught yoga…I truly hope you have been doing yoga these last months…it is so healing. If you haven't been….maybe it would be a good thing to slowly start again. ….just a thought.
hug.a
<3 And you're doing wonderfully. Regardless of what anyone else says or think.
Peace, Lori, and you too Nicole. My wish for you both.
Lori, you have expressed such clarity in this post. I really admire you.
I am excited about meeting you at the Aussie Blogger's Conference in March – we are talking on a panel together!
Carly
Sigh.
Yes, you ARE strong. Amazingly, beautifully strong.
I'm just so damn sorry that you had to learn that about yourself. That lesson never comes cheap.
Thinking of you.
Like other, I keep checking in as well. To see how you are, to see what words I can offer you, although they don't seem like much.
I'm glad to have read this post today, you sound like you have turned a slight corner, and may it continue to feel easier, over time.
Thinking of you and your kiddies always
Bec x
I love they rays of positive hope I see shining through this post. I am relieved. I cry tears for you Lori and now for Nicole and her family. Take it step by step girls. Only you can know how it feels, but we are all here to help you along, even if it is through the distance of the interwebs
x
Champion
Lori – you amaze me so. Your strength has been visable to all of us through this, you just needed to find it for yourself.
Keep on and take care of yourself and those children. Much love xo
That was a great line, Lori "Strength isn't optional". You're right it isn't. Somehow, we just keep going. We gather the grief, the memories, the dreams into our heart and look up. Somehow we have to keep going, to feed our children, to wash their clothes, to drive them to school, to help with homework. Somehow all that stuff doesn't just stop when we do…
But then grief catches you in the most unexpected moments and you find yourself howling at the injustice of it all in the middle of kithchen, on the floor, in the darkness.
Accept all that you are and have been and will be. There is only this moment….
Wow..I just read Nicole's comment and both of you are such strong women. To carry on with life, as if it's part of your DNA. I salute both of you, and want this positivity to be a permanent part of your lives.
Oh, love. This may be the saddest post of all. x
Oh Lori,
So glad you're having a good day. When you have another bad one, read this post back to yourself. There is always a light waiting for you on the other side. Hope *always* floats.
Everyone of us in this little online community of yours never doubted your strength. We can tell that you are in unimaginable pain, but also that you are a remarkable, talented, and wise woman with the pure *will* and *drive* to survive this. Many of us don't even know you in real life, but we can still tell.
You are an inspiration.
Love and continued strength,
Marianna
Indeed. Hugs!!
Lori,
There a bad days and some better days.
It has been 12 weeks on Tuesday since Me and my children lost Phil to suicide.
I laughed out loud the other day…….and meant it.
I am back at work.
I am home today as I lost it at work this morning, the police rang needing to add to my statement.
Tomorrow i will go back to work. Like you, I am strong because the alternative would be my death and I won't do that to my children.
Maybe I will laugh out loud again tomorrow.
We are moving forward but there is guilt attached to that, illogical, but there.
I am now smiling when i remember things where as before it bought tears. My love feels impotent but it will ALWAYS be there for him.
Smile, laugh, scream and cry. These are yours to own, and not to make excuses for. They are yours, feel them.
While the world goes on and they expect us to get on with it, stand proud. Stay in your limbo, go backwards, rage……..you do what you need to survive. DO NOT take peoples blame. Your Tony, like my Phil made these decisions in their moment of madness. THEIR decision, not anyone elses.
Shine through Lori, my heart aches for you and your children and for me and mine.
Nicole
I'm so glad hope has snuck back into your life. ♥
What a wonderful post Lori. Your strength is incredible and like someone here has already said – it sounds like you are starting to heal, even while still in the depths of grief. xx
Keep going Lori, you are going in the right direction, that is the direction you choose at the time you choose and how it feels right to you. Warm wishes to you
You are seriously amazing x
Keep going lovely. Keep going. xo
You rock Lori. You do.
xxx
As Sheryl Crowe sang : Every day is a winding road…. you get a little bit closer… good to hear some optimism Lori. We are here
Good girl! It is the start of the new 'normal'. You will take two steps forward – and then one back. That is 'normal' too. Take it slow girl – one breath at a time.
Hi Lori,
I'm pleased that you're feeling a little better today…or perhaps not better, but more hopeful. I think, like with most major events in our lives, you'll have to endure the 'rollercoaster' effect for a while, before things start to level out for you, and recent events don't seem quite so overwhelming. Just know, we're all here rooting for you, wishing we could help you mend the broken pieces, but knowing that you're the only one who can really stick everything back together to create a new kind of normal for you and your family. My thoughts are with you everyday.
I'm surprised at how few comments there are on this one. But when I started to comment, I didn't know what to say… glad it's a better day? Keep going?
Hi.
Never, ever doubt your strength, or that you will one day be strong enough to want to move forward. Never, ever doubt that you are beautiful, both inside and out, and that we all see your beauty shine through your writing. Never, ever doubt yourself. You will raise your son well. You will raise your daughter well. You will raise yourself again. And it will be lonely, and it will be tough, and it will eventually, be worth it. Keep going, sweet girl. I, for one, am barracking for you all the way. Sending much love xxx
Thata girl Lori, thata girl.
I've been following you all along and hoping the pain would start to ease just a little. This post is a rainbow of hope. Wishing you a world of sunshine.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit
you speak to my very soul, so much of what you write I relate to in many ways…
Keep it up, you are stronger than you ever thought you would have to be…
there has to be light at the end of the this long dark road… right now it might just look like a speck but a speck is all you need to give you hope to keep going …
The wanting to will come.
For some reason I keep thinking about a link that I'd seen through Eden's blog — and it referenced a Leonard Cohen song — and the words were something like "everything that's beautiful is cracked; that's how the light gets in" —
XO
Pam
I love this post Lori. It's like the eye of the storm, some calm. A ray of sunshine in the middle of a rainy day. Something. But I love it.
dear lori- i have tried to comment a number of times but it wouldnt let me. i am only telling you because strange as it may sound i felt like i abandoned you when you couldnt read my comments, and i knew so much about the pain you were going through. i need you to know that people were reading and caring
you are an amazing person, stronger than i ever dreamed a person could be. you are an inspiration. and it breaks my heart that you are one. i wish so badly that you had never been put in the position to show the world your strength. but you are saving lives and doing something so important with your writing.
i am rambling, sorry.
i think about you and your family so often. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
– nellie
Beautiful.
Bravo.
Lori
God doesn't punish us – really, he doesn't, sometimes we do have to face consquences of our bad choices – but God didn't take your husband -He's not punishing you for something by taking your husband honey…. He loves you! He loves you like a daddy loves their daughter, and the word says that He will never allow you to go through anything you can't withstand. You know what that means? He knows YOU are a strong woman, He knows you can get through this….
PS can i say that I love how you've taken control of your space here and are screening the comments. Keep those Trolls and Troggs out of your space, and eventually i hope out of your life, you dont need negativity and hurt, I mean EVER not just now. ou must have realised this though to make this move and good on you!
Oh Lori, I'm so pleased to hear that you're healing and hopeful. Hugs and much love xx
You'll find you way Lori, Spread your wings and fly…
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warmly upon your face…
You are an incredible person your pieces and your whole,
big hugs, the kind that hurt your ribs
you have brought a smile to my face. i am so proud of you, and just so happy for you that you can see that glimmer of light starting to shine through the cracks, however small xxx
Dear Lori,
You ARE the strongest person I come across in real life too. I salute you! xo
drb
Hi Lori,
I have been reading your posts and feeling your pain but I knew that what you have been through noone could do your grieving for you. You have so much love around you and people really do care even when you have been at your darkest. I am so glad that you have had a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that it isn't the end of your journey but believe me it will get better. Always remember and feel the love that surrounds you.
It might be Autumn but today feels like a sunny day. So proud of you for getting to this point. It can only get better from here.
The break in the weather, the change of the season. I hope it can bring all the freshness of change for you, old leaves blowing away, days calming and cooling, and some autumn light to brighten the days. And with those autumn leaves, blow away some of the anxiety, and some of the pain. Slowly.
I'm very happy to read this post of yours, it seems it is not just the season that is changing. Your energy seems to be changing, little by little, step by step.
I know, as you put those pieces together, and the new you emerges, you will grow to love that you, and all her strength.
I'm sure of it.
Bring on Autumn.
And so it is Lori – you just keep on keeping on until, one day, you realise you've started striding forward again.
And you will – you'll find something you want to run TO, not run away FROM. It might take a long time, and most definately be freaking hard, but you'll get there in the end.
As the Irish say… May the road rise up to meet you…
So happy to read this and see some sunshine has seeped back into your world. The new Lori is more powerful, more wise, more aware and is already making a huge difference to the world with your lessons. I hope this feeling clings to you and propels you into the next season of your life x
So, so happy to read this. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. So much love to you my friend. xoxo
May you feel the sunshine on your face as you pick up all of the pieces you need to pick up on this difficult path.
My prayers are with you, Lori xx
I am SO happy to hear that you have come to this point. May it only continue. xo
I agree. When people say, you're so strong, i do think, but what is the alternative?
For now, the tunnel isn't quite pitch black, and i'm so glad Lori.
Keeping stepping
x
Written so vividly and beautifully, as always. I'm so glad that the part of you who makes tea, teaches yoga and reads fairy stories is watching over you now. She sounds like good people. Best to you, Lori.
Sounds like you are turning a corner Lori, you have weathered the most fearsome storm, now the sun is beginning to peek through the clouds again xo
Lori,
you are an incredible person. I truly admire your strength.
I hope the tiny bit of sunshine gets bigger.
You are in my thoughts.
Fine
oh hooray for a glimmer – hooray for a speck of sunshine – hooray for anything that isn't "worse"
I hope you get more and more rays of sunshine – slowly but steadily, heading in the right direction.
wow, what an uplifting post, I can almost feel myself moving forward as I read it. I guess there will be ups and downs for a long long time. This is an upward and I am really happy to see it.
Lori
Nothing but love for you baby
that is all
Lori, you are doing amazingly well, i have no idea how I would cope in your situation. I know you are advertising it on your blog but i have made a donation to your paypal account through Sarah's blog http://www.hawkercentral.com/sjh/…..I urge others supporters of your blog to do the same. Wishing you well over the upcoming weeks and months, one day at a time.
With each new day the pain dulls, with each new day strength is gained to go on. You will go on, you will grow, you will live; you ARE living. Sending a big, warm hug from St. Louis.
Lots of love to you ….. it sounds like you're going in the right direction!
Wishing you all the best,
Wendy
Lori maybe you can't see it in yourself yet but you are an amazingly strong person.
Like a baby learning to walk you have to take those first few little steps, trust you can do it and when you stumble or fall, have a cry and then keep trying to get back up and make it a little further…. As you said so much is new, no one teaches you to be a single parent, you do what you think is right and if something doesn't work you try something different tomorrow!
Please be gentle on yourself
Much thought and love being sent your way
Xoxo
The sun is starting to shine on you, I can feel it. And it's ok to turn your face towards it and smile. God does not want us to have broken hearts.
Beautifully put. So glad you are putting back the pieces. When you can feel that little ray of hope to keep on living you are over the worst.
Hey Lori,
I am so pleased that are you feeling better. Keep hoping and you are strong and we are rooting for you.
Still sending you lots of love.
This post blows me away. You are amazing. I continue to hope for new rays of sunshine in your life.
Lori,
I'm in awe of the way you manage to convey things perfectly. The little pieces of your soul – I'm so glad that you can see a way to bring them all back together, to redefine all those little things.
I know it's nowhere near the same, but I just found out that I have to have open heart surgery soon & suddenly it feels like someone's threatened my life. It looks like I'm handling it really well, but that's because I'm dealing with the little things, the planning & replanning of things I thought were already set. We can deal with these steps, because it stops us looking up & being overwhelmed by the fear.
Stay strong lovely. We are still with you, every step of the way.
Lots of love, Sophie
xxx
This is wonderful. You've found a hope that I'm not sure I could in your situation. I'm so glad. As I read your posts over the last month I really see that you're healing. I'm glad of that to. I'm going to keep reading, and keep praying for you to, and I wish you all the healing in the world at your own pace.
This. Is. Truth. Your clarity of vision is stunning, Lori. For twenty years I've tried to pin down a truth that I felt but couldn't quite express. You nailed it: "Strength isn't optional, sometimes."
My heart rejoices to see a bit of sunlight touch yours.
love this. keep going.
Winston Churchill said,
"If you are going through Hell, keep going"
Because it will burn you out if you get trapped there, I think.
And in the wise words of Dr Phil (giggle)
"Stand up and walk out of your history"
You know I'm never far…
*HUGS* I am glad to hear that you are feeling more positive. You are doing incredibly well. Wishing you all the best.
I'm proud of you, Lori.
I'm so, so proud of you.
Remember, you have so many friends here, even though you've never met them. So many people love you so much.
I cried when I read this post. (seem to do a lot of that, here, lately) but this time, tears of relief. You're gonna make it.
You will have some very bad days ahead, but those days will get fewer and further apart, slowly slowly.
There's a good life in store for you Lori. Not the one you planned with Tony, but still good. Just different.
It seems kinda weird to say I'm proud of you — but I am. I really am. You're amazing, girl.
I am so proud of you. Why? I don't know exactly why, but reading this post fills me with hope and love and sunshine for you and your babes x
Let the sunshine in. Let some time go by, it is almost March, WOW! So time is moving along and soon your spirits will improve even more. Actually this post is quite positive and it seems as if you are doing much better!!
I hope that continues. Focus on you and the kids, that is all that matters right now. Lisa
It sounds like you are slowly healing. You haven't finished grieving which is understandable, you will probably always grieve. But you are strong, and you are healing.
Much love to you and the kidlets.
Xoxoxo
Glad you're back posting, I've been "checking in" every day and sending you love and best wishes xxx
Hugs to you, so pleased you've spotted a glimmer of light at the end of your tunnel xxx
Thinking of you
Cass
xo Welcome back. Strength, love, and prayers sent from Canada to you & kidlets. Nancy (nancybass@live.ca)
I think your last sentence says it all. May the sunshine keep spreading into bigger and bigger rays for you:)
Lori,
You are strong! In fact you must be the strongest person I know.
With much respect,
Kevin
X
X
Exactly beautiful girl, exactly. xx
I "check" on you everyday Lori. Damn I wish I knew you for real and could help in more tangible ways.
I'm glad for the "ray of light" day's when the pain is a little less intense. I worry on the days when the darkness hits you hard. I oddly relate to so much of your truth… especially today when you talked about the places you lost part of yourself. I can tell you the exact locations where I lost of some of me. I have wondered at times if I went back to those locations if I could physically see some of the "old" me… the "before" me. Sucks to know those parts of who we were are gone. I don't know if it helps that many of us, your readers/friends, have been in the darkness before and relate to (though we never will KNOW) your pain. I remember people saying they understood and thinking "f-U, that doesn't make this any easier for me."
In some cultures they have a tradition that friends and family of an individual come and just sit with a person as they experience their grief. No words. Nothing. Just sharing the same space so the person hurting knows that they are not alone. I feel like reading your blog every day is sitting in the same space with you. I'll sit in this space with you, while you hurt, as long as you need to… you aren't alone.
A gentler, kinder, more loving and self-assured Lori…is the woman I read just then…she is climbing slowly up from the depths of the life before/after T… Suffered long & hard..peaceful for moments .. Now seeing chinks of beautiful light as Summer turns sweetly into Autumn..xx
The sun will shine again. Some days brighter then others. Some days will be a shit storm, other days will be a sunny picnic, and the entire time you will not be alone.
Love and prayers going out to you as always.
Julia