There is something wrong with me.
I am incapable of having a normal relationship. I am incapable of casual coffees, once a week dates. I am full on– all or nothing.
I hate to be patronized. I’m thirty. I’ve been though enough by now to know how to play this game. I’ve had more relationships that I can count on my fingers and toes.
I know that men are just stupid, that they don’t hurt me on purpose, it’s just that they don’t see it… what hurts me would not hurt them.
I know, thanks very much, that I need to ‘love myself before someone else loves me’. I spent most of my early twenties solidifying that one.
I know that people are turned off, budding relationships ruined, by neediness and want and vulnerability. (What is that concept that we all seem to invest in? If someone is needy, we push them away. The more they need, the more we tell them to stand on their own two feet. I read this post at Glow’s place a while back and it just about broke me… why do we turn people away when they are begging us to hold them up?)
I know all of that… I always have done. But I’ve never paid any attention. I feel attraction with intensity. When I fight, it’s with fire. When I love… it’s with some irrational part of me.
I think I know why I fall so hard, so fast; why I’ve learnt those lessons a thousand times in the past and still choose to ignore them.
I’m looking for someone who’ll push past that. Who’ll choose to see me at my weakest, and be OK with that. Who’ll see the need and the hurt and think to themselves that, perhaps, they could just love me anyway.
No surprises. Whoever it is, the faceless dates I’m referring to, they need to know what they are getting themselves in to. They need to know, in the first instance, how fragile I am, how easily burnt I can be.
So if they need to run, they can run. If they want to bail, they have time to do so. I dare them… this is the worst of me... can you handle this…?
And most of them take the offer and leave… who wants to be with someone that intense? And really, there’s no one to blame but myself. What I do is irrational, and I’m only hurting myself.
But one day, I’ll find someone who will stay. And they’ll have seen the worst of me already. So it won’t be a shock when they discover what’s underneath… when they discover that black, sucking hole of need that lies within.
Someone with the strength to hold my hands, to stop the gravity of it from pushing me in. And who can keep their own feet stable on the edge of that abyss, too.
I refuse to believe that that someone doesn’t exist. I refuse to believe that there isn’t someone who will want me… messy, painful bits and all.
There has to be. What would be the point of it all, if there isn’t…?
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh hey I say go you. After all you'll adore your man when he comes at his weakest and messiest too. That's how it works, when it works. Jane
Keep believing Lori. Your time will come. Xx
Hi Lori, I e-mailed you after reading only 1 post because it moved me so much. Although I feel like a stalker (I suppose you blog for people to read so it's OK)I can't stop reading your posts. I've been reading about Tony's death and your aftermath, I mentioned I knew him a little and I wanted to fill in the gaps. There's nothing I can say that everyone hasn't said already, except I am awed at you, you are so much more than I expected, I don't have words for my level of respect and affection for you. I've read about some of the nasty things people have said and done (like you needed that after what happened!) and I would never say a word against you or how you coped, I am just amazed at you and don't think under the circumstances I would do as well. I'm glad Tink told me to read this blog & will thank her next time I see her. I'm not a cyberspacey-type person, I don't have a profile so will come up anonymous but I think you know who I am from my earlier e-mail. If you feel like getting out on the day of the Autumn Festival come down and say hi, I'm the one with the knitted toys stall. I would be honoured to meet you. Sorry this is such a long sycophantic rant, I'm not a psycho lesbian stalker, just old enough to be honest about how I feel about someone.
I get that in theory and have also done that and it has never worked. I wonder if we as a society are able to deal with it or is it too confronting, emotionally we (and particularly men) don't deal with raw emotion from someone we don't know well, I'm not saying that is right just that it is what it is. It like when your child has a new friend, you want them to show their nice behaviour so the other kid is comfortable and likes them and you cringe a little when they throw a tanty or refuse to share and then as they become friends you worry less about the "bad" (normal) stuff.
I have also noticed that when I have done this it is sometimes a way of ensuring I won't get hurt, a bit of a defence mechanism or a way of testing the person. I'm not criticising – just thinking out loud. My head is a bit of a crazy overanalysing creature at the moment too.
I believe he is out there. He just might be hiding at the mo…
You said they need to know how fragile you are. Maybe you need to wait until you are a little less breakable to seek a partner? I think of an egg. When raw, it's delicate. When boiled, it is easier to manage. I think you need to boil a little longer before you can share yourself with someone else. You sound a little selfish – the man isn't just supposed to be there for YOU but you are supposed to be there for HIM too. Are you able to do that? And maybe you are, you just never mention wanting someone so you can take care of him. It's all about you. When I was looking for my next mate I was desperate for someone to need me. For someone to cook and clean for. For someone to lean on me when there was a problem. Maybe if you thought of it more as 50/50 then you would get better results.
There there, Lori; they're there.
You won't find that person on your schedule, but they're there. And despite that, it'll be perfect timing, but completely out of the blue.
You are right! He is out there! You will him!
Don't lower your standards, and you should be honest with them!
I love the fact that you don't put on a false front. I think that you will have lots of guys run away, that's just the nature of the beast – but the one that can stay, he'll be in for the long haul.
My girlfriend once told me "he's out there, he's just being a typical male and won't ask for directions!". Funny, and I believe is true!
I generally hate those pithy little frames with words of wisdom we find on the internet but in this case, your post brought one to mind.
"Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."
You may have baggage but, as previous commenters have said, you live your life all out there, sharing the good and the bad with equal courage. Someday someone will come along who is willing to help you with those bags and who will love you for who you are: open and generous and resilient and fragile and honest.
Meanwhile, we all love you out here in the internets.
Stacy
I don't see anything wrong with this.
But then I have a pretty fucked up view on love that I have a post about sitting in my drafts. I won't share it for the fear that people will come down on me hard because I don't see the world how others do.
You deserve to be loved. Inside and out. Good and the bad. And why waste time with the facade when you are bold enough to strip bare and show people who you are instantly.
That takes guts. Guts I don't even have after almost 6 years.
He will come when you least expect it and you will be happy again, promise!
Lori you have a big heart. A huge heart. You live life with all of yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are honest, courageous and unashamedly yourself. A lot of people are afraid of those things. A lot of people can't handle too much reality. But when you meet the one who can, well, wow. That will really be something.
It is the only way – you are you. Leaving the unpalatable bits "out" only lasts but for a moment in time. These others who have seen you and left (& I speak of my life here too
are simply not good enough for you. Quite simply not good enough….and, through acceptance of all of you, and therefore of him too, surely there will come a healing of sorts that is fact beyond the "falling in love" we all aspire to?
There is. Trust me. xxx
You WILL find him. He is out there.
We all have that black sucking hole of need inside us, some people are just better at hiding it than others. There is most definitely someone out there who will love you in your entirety, I wholeheartedly believe that.
Those who say you are too intense, too full on, they don't know what it is to live life to the fullest. What you are living is every colour of the human experience. Many won't want to know it, many won't understand it but there will be the one that accepts it. And in turn, accepts every part of you. The good, the bad and the black.
He is out there. Stop looking so hard. xx