It’s Mothers Day in Australia, and it hurts so much I can hardly breath for the pressure on my chest.
Easter passed with barely a shudder- it’s only eggs, to me.
But today, the pain is real and sharp and cuts wicker-snicker through the fragile fabric of pretend peace I’ve made.
I miss my husband.
This morning, I missed him so much.. for a moment there, eyes closed and warm beneath my doona, listening to the clutter in the kitchen of my best mate making me breakfast…
I could have been back home.
Upstairs, in my wide bed, in my Purple House, curled into the sleepy warmth Tony left behind.
And the house would have gone quiet for ten minutes, a trip through drive thru for hotcakes and Coke (“At this time of the morning, babe…? Really?)
And, in the cold air of my bedroom this morning, I could hear him…
“Yay, go wake Mummy up!! Say ‘Happy Mother’s day!!’”
And we would have curled in bed, the four of us, and spilled syrup on the sheets and laughed at the Bump stuffing herself while the Chop bounced around the room. And he would have leaned over to me, and smiled “Aren’t they awesome, darl? Rock and roll. Happy Mother’s day.”
And the rest of the day would have been laughter and smiles and love and dinner, tonight, with his family, or mine.
Because Mother’s day was special, and he treated it with reverence. The same way he treated me, when it came to being the mother of children.
(Mother is the name for God on the hearts and lip of children.)
And it scares me, that this time next tear, I may not remember that quite so clearly. I may not be able to picture that scene, remember the feel of my bed once he’d left… hear his voice in my head.
Oh God. He’s my best friend, and he’s gone, and some days that just stabs me all over again, leaves that gaping whole of weeping pain in my chest.
The love of my life… and it’s almost he existed only in my imagination.
I’m not the only one, I know. There are thousands of us, women and men, in pain today, every day, but especially days like today.
And I think my pain may be minimal today. Compared to those mothers who are feeling the weight of empty arms, of babies that should be there. Hearing the silence of bedtime stories that don’t need to be read, because their little ones are gone.
Mothers, missing their children, in the same place I am- hell, alone with a pain that does nothing but corrode and eat at the softest part of their soul.
And, again, others, people missing their mothers… mine, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I remember how it felt, as a child, to curl in the warm softness of her lap and breath the scent of her.
Tony’s mother, how she must be hurting today. Missing her own mother. Missing her baby boy. My heart just breaks for her.
My heart, is breaks for all of us.
Happy Mother’s Day… to all of us mums and moms and grans and nans. Especially those who are missing someone they love dearly.
Someone who should be here.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Mother's Day will forever be a hard one for people like us. I wasn't a fan of my Mother's Day either. Thinking of you Lori x
Oh you'll remember sweetheart. You'll always remember, trust me. Some things are a part of your soul & the memories that you need to keep will always stay with you.
Love Sophie xxx
What a hard day:( Thinking of you
yep, that's what I was thinking – all those people for who Mother's Day is intensely sad… Hope today was better Lori. Good work on the writer's centre awardy thing too, well done. xx
Have been lurking for a while Lori, your insight is amazing and I love the way you say exactly what you feel. For me, I am one of those who has never, just because of circumstances, been blessed with children. Funny how everyone thinks it was a conscious choice. This year as I head on towards menopause I think it has really hit home that for me, my own children will never be. I really do feel a kind of loss. Thank you for reminding people that there are many mothers who really feel the heartache during this time due to their own circumstances, then there are those who have never experienced the joy of motherhood. I don't feel sorry for myself, just a little sad. E
What a raw, heart wrenching yet beautiful post. I felt your words in my gut! Thinking of you and so many…
You were in my thoughts yesterday. I did read your post last night but had to read it again today and here I am sitting with the most painful lump in my throat. I am heartbroken for you. xxx
I agree with Suz. You will remember. You'll remember it like it was yesterday, especially if you've written it here.
Thought of you today as well wishing you comfort and peace as you navigated the day.
Oh hunny Im sorry
I was in tears reading this and cant imagine how you were feeling yesterday. xoxox
I hope it was a good day otherwise for you. That your children's warmth and love helped with that pain.
I've been thinking about you in the lead up to Mothers' Day… wondering how different it would be without Tony there to make a fuss of you.
You will remember next year – days like Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day will bring it all rushing back… and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. xxx
Sending some love to you today. I can't await for you to find someone else, your next best mate. Time will heal you, and you'll be happy again.
Stay strong, honey. we (us complete strangers) are all here for you
Just so sorry.
Been thinking of you today. I'm so sorry for how awful you're feeling today. I can't even imagine, but my thoughts are with you and your loved ones.
Happy Mother's Day.
On days like this it does not change. Each year the scab is pulled off and the memories flood back. It just bleeds a little less freely each time.
Lori,
You write so beautifully about what is so hard. I don't have words of comfort but much admiration.
Michelle xx
Days like this will always be hard, wish there was some way to make it easier for you. xxxx
Thinking of you today, and sending you love and light. The Internet is giving you a big warm hug Lori. Know that you're not alone.
I am so sorry. I wish I could have shared my mothers day with you. I only hope your babies snuggled into your lap and held you close. Their hearts beat with absolute love for you. And you deserve love. Sending hugs xxxxxxx
While I am grateful for my mother, I hate mother's day because I am one of those women who feels the weight of empty arms that you have described. While other mums wake up to the excited squeals, hugs and kisses, cold tea and toast in bed, I hear nothing but the TV and the drone of passing traffic outside.
Today must be awful for you Lori, I hope you are able to draw some comfort from your beautiful children. Tony the man may not be there with you physically, but a part of him lives on in those kids.
This morning i was cranky with my husband because I didn't like my gift. I spent the morning wondering why was this day special because I was still doing everything. Thankyou for making me realise I have everything. I'm sure you would love to take your husband for granted for just one more day. I'm sorry and you are in my prayers
I've been thinking about you today too Lori, and the other mums I know for whom mothers day is painful. And it is for so many.
I have a feeling you'll still have those memories for all your years to come. Love won't let you forget the beautiful moments.
Dearest Lori,
Although I don't know you you were one of the last thoughts in my mind last night and one of the first this morning. I wondered how it would be for you, how you would cope, worried for your day and how it would work out, thank you for sharing.
I shed tears for you and send you love, especially in your hardest and darkest of times!
Traci ~ Moodi Mumma
Well i got more than enough loving today from my family, so i'm going to send of mine to you Lori – all the extra loving i can muster, and bonus points for using of my favourite quotes from " The Crow "…
Thinking of you Lori x
Lori,
This sums up how I feel today……
'My heart is broken……but I have some glue' Anon
I lost my Mum suddenly from a DVT & this time of year is painful. My kids are my 'glue' & I hope that as you look at yours today, a little bit of your broken heart mends……
Lisa xxxxx
I thought of you so much today; hoping you would not be alone and haunted by the ghost of painful memories.
Every memory lives on in your blog, in your profound words; it is a time capsule you can retrieve and hold close any time you fear the recollections are fading away xx
These days are always so difficult. Whilst grateful for the family that I do have, and so happy to be able to celebrate with them, "special" days such as this can also be a painful reminder of all that 'could or should' have been. Another brave and heartfelt post x
So much love to you today Lori. You will remember sweet girl, you will, because you have written it here. Thinking of you xxx
Thinking of you honey
xxx
Hey, Mama.
I had a feeling today would be a tough one for you. I love holidays, but I'm not unaware of how horribly painful and empty they must be for those who are grieving and/or alone.
I want you to know I appreciate and admire all mothers, but most of all the single mothers like yourself, mothers who have suddenly found themselves on their own with small children to raise and who are able to find the strength to get up and do what they have to do for those kids every day.
HUG!
Thinking of you xxx
This one brought tears… So sorry it has been a such a sad day for you.