I haven’t written much about my kids, on this blog, in the After.
I used to write about them all the tim, just about every day.
But After, now.. it just hurts too much.
We are in pain, my Chop and I. We are grieving. My Bump, she is not old enough.. but she knows that there is Something. And she knows, of course, that her Daddy is gone.
But sometimes, I forget that before they were grieving children, they were just children. And they still are children, children like any other.
My little man, he’s three, and the spitting, cheeky image of his dad. He is a fussy eater- sandwiches and fruit- but he loves lollies and ice cream. He’s a daydreamer, a dawdler, always ten steps behind me when I’m walking… taking everything in. He listens, and watches- he’s smart for his age. He loves to sing, and dance, he loves the Wiggles. The Chop is very much a boy’s boy- he plays with car and tools and fixes things with his drill. His curiousity nearly kills me, he loves anything electoric and can tell you exactly how both the TV and antenna work, and his favorite word is ‘Mum’. He’s gorgeous, funny, passive, deep and sweet.. and my heart aches for him, every second of every day. Because I know how it hurts to lose your best mate.
And my little girl, my Bump? She was born in the sunshine, and it’s showed ever since. She’s happy, bouncy, funny. Always laughing and smiling. As she gets older, she just gets cheekier. She was the apple of her father’s eye, his princess, his little girl, and he adored her. I remember, he used to walk her round and round the block when she was tiny, and screaming with reflex. “Look,” commented our neighbours, “there’s Toz with his princess.” “You’ve heard her at this time of night, she’s no princess…”
But we were talking about the After, the now.
The Bump is a stirrer, with fiesty temper- she lashes out, smacks her brother in anger the way he never would have. She loves pretty things- dollies and hairclips and beads and her Dorothy the Dinosaur tail. She’s permantaley attached to a small pink doll’s stroller that she pushes around, and she eats anything and everything, especially pasta or strawberries, with gusto and relish.
I remember, in the depths of my own depression after the Bump was born, Tony saying to me “they’re such happy kids, darl, and I don’t want to do anything to ruin that.”
I’m doing my best. They are happy kids, still, but, in the same way I walk a very fine line between finding the happiness in one moment at a time, in the simplest things, and the falling down the rabbit hole into the very depths of blackness… so, I think, do they.
I’m doing my best, babe. The cards are stacked just slightly against me here- but our biggest goal, as parents, was to raise happy, resliant children. And that hasn’t changed.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Really a great post.I liked it and i will share it with others too.
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Really a great post.I liked it and i will share it with others too.
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They are gorgeous, well behaved, happy normal kids. I love them to pieces & you are doing a fantastic job with them. Don't ever doubt yourself mummy, you are doing great.
Oh, Lori….I cried when I read this. I just cannot imagine your pain but if I could share some of it and take some away from you, believe me, I would, just to help even if a little. I'm so proud of you for staying alive and braving this life for your kids. Don't ever give up, sweetie. Fall, if you must, but don't ever give up. Sending you all my love xoxoxoxox
You are great mum.All the best……………..
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You are all taking care of each other, and will help each other heal. They will never forget their father, but they'll also come to know they have a kick-ass, strong mother xx
Your little treasures are lucky to have such a loving mum. They will be fine because they have you.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, sweetie. Your kids will be okay. Kids are incredibly resilient. As long as you are okay, they will be okay, so take care of you. xo
And they are beautiful kids Lori. Such a pity that we weren't able to stay longer when we called in to see you on Sunday.
You are doing a great job and I take my hat off to you and your strength
You're remembering what's most important in life, and I think any mum who can keep sight of that is a fantastic mum. Much love xxx
Together with your precious babies you'll find your way through the pain and changes. You're doing so well Lori. Love from here.
You can do it! Hugs.
Oh this post makes my heart hurt. I look at my kids and worry about what life will throw at them – I want to shield them from pain, though I know I can't – but I can't imagine having to watch them grieve their father. It sounds to me like you're doing your best and that is all anyone can ask of you – including your children.
I totally hear how hard it must be – dealing with your own grief, let alone the grief of your children. But it sounds to me like you give them an ocean of love and understanding and, ultimately, that's what kids need. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, Lori xx
Mamas rock.
…the words of a great mum!
All you can do is love them, be there for them, and maybe let them lead the way now and again.
Hook into that purpose. xx
You are doing your absolute best, we can see that. Tony would be proud. Love to you and your babies xox
Oh Lori this post. Fuck.
Every time I see a snippet of a photo of your children – every time, I literally gasp. I can't believe this has happened and how young they are. And how extraordinarily hard it must be for you, to get through this world on a day-to-day basis – taking care of two small children.
I send you all my love XOXOX
They are wonderful. And they have a wonderful mum. They will make it out of this, and so will you.
love, strength, and peace,
xo Marianna
<3 Your kids are tough cookies. There are kids out there with both parents, who act up a lot more than your two. It's still early days, and your kids doing so well? That's all because of you hun.
You are such a great mum xxx
I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. My heart is breaking again for you and your kids. You are one amazing lady Lori and I know deep down that the stack of cards will shift and they will be in your favour.
That's right, Lori, you ARE doing your best. Never forget that. Some awful shit has happened to you and it must be dealt with in the best way you know how. And you're doing it…
Don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't allow others to do it either. Not even Tony….
*applause* love, love, love to you and your babies.
You keep giving your babies big hugs, love and your honesty and they will grow strong and know they are loved. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job xx
You doing the best you can do, Lori. Which is all any of us can do.
Take care of yourself and your babes and everything else will fall into place eventually. xxx
Beautiful description of her children from a beautiful Mum xo
You are a great Mum and your kids are going to be fine. And you are going to be fine as well x