No way! That doesn’t happen in real life! **Not for the squeamish**

by Lori Dwyer on March 30, 2010 · 12 comments

Monloguing to y’all,

Now, before I begin, I really do not want to lose mahself anymore Followers. Therefore, please take note of the disclaimer….

This one is not for the squeamish. I mean it. It involves girly things including vagina’s and lubricant. Read on at your own risk.

And, just to set the scene, here is a lovely bit of early Nineties sexual health imagery for you, complete with gerbera. Hey, at least it’s not a tulip.

*’hem, hem*.

I don’t know if any of you are Sex and the City tragics like me (surely, one or two…?). But even if you’re not, you may recall one of the more memorable episodes, way back in Season One, where one of the girls has an unfortunate incident with a certain contraceptive and enlists the help of her friends to get her out of the somewhat awkward situation…

“But I just had my nails done!”

If anyone is brave enough, apparently the episode can be downloaded here. Or something. I couldn’t work my way through the migraine-inducing Flash to find it. Whatever.

You see, I remember watching this episode with my flatmate, having a giggle, then engaging in a succinct discussion about how, amusing as it was, it was a situation unlikely to occur in the other world known as Real Life.

As it turns out, we were wrong.

Here’s a lesson to you all. When using a new diaphragm, for the first time ever, for your own health and safety do make sure you put it in the right way up. Just to make sure it doesn’t get… erm… shall we say… lodged.

At least, I think that was the problem. I’m almost not game to try it again. But hormonal contraceptives turn me into a psychopath of the bunny-boiling variety. So my options are very much limited.

And here’s another piece of advice, for free. When you are on the phone telling the fore mentioned flat mate about the fore mentioned incident, and she asks “So, how did you get it out?” and you reply “Lots of lube“, do make sure that you are not in direct in earshot of the three 20-something year old guys that live next door to you.

And that’s another two for the Stupid Things Lori Does files. Tell you what, it’s been a Barry Crocker of a week.

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

MMBB November 14, 2010 at 8:58 am

bahahaha, I didn't get to read this post when it went up coz I wasn't in blogland yet!


scone July 6, 2010 at 3:49 pm

I've never used one.. but ever lost a condom 'up there'? Tell you what – THAT is a nightmare getting out !


Lori March 31, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Hmmm. How to explain it without getting too vulgar? The problem wasn't so much getting a grip on it- I could *just* get my fingers on it- more actually getting it to move from the position it was stuck in.
If you what i mean ;)


alliecat March 31, 2010 at 11:09 am

Okay, just to be clear, I'm not looking for MORE information…


never having to deal with one of these myself, I am curious…

wouldn't 'lots of lube' just make it more difficult, AKA slippery and harder to get a grip on to remove??

Just wondering out loud…..


Jen March 31, 2010 at 8:45 am

rofl Lori. This is the point when I say that girl, you sure have lived! (I have sure been sheltered! I think I even missed that SITC episode :o )


Mee2 March 30, 2010 at 5:25 pm

You are so funny. I love you. I really do. Hey, if I lived like in the same country as you, I would have helped you get that bitch out. :o) I hope my swearing doesn't lose you any readers either.


Amy xxoo March 30, 2010 at 10:55 am

I remember the episode your talking about – and i'm so embarrassed for you! I'm also so glad that the Pill works for me without turning me into a demon…


Brenda March 30, 2010 at 9:36 am

Jaysus Lori, that would have freaked me out!!

Also, I'm now tying to do my best to erase that mental image of you maniacally groping your own lady bits. I may need to drink my vodka rocks.


lori March 30, 2010 at 9:33 am

Wow, that must not have been fun. Despite the complicated workings of our innards, I still would rather have our problems then that dangling hairy thing the guys have.


kbxmas March 30, 2010 at 5:24 am

OMG. This happened to me once, long ago, and I had to go to my OBGyn to get it removed. Yeah, that's right, I paid a professional to do the job. Go you for rocking the at-home removal.

Also, they never really worked for me (something about a tilted cervix) and the hormone things wacked me out too. Which explains why I walked down the aisle 3 months preggers. Guess who couldn't be arsed with condoms?


Kristy March 30, 2010 at 3:45 am

Love it! Can't believe you lose followers over funny stuff like this. Duly noted. Will avoid inserting right side up. Good to know!

I got some criticism for calling my son an asshole, and I exclaimed, "But that was one of the funniest wisecracks on Sex and the City – when Samantha calls Miranda's baby an asshole!"

People take themselves waaayyy too seriously sometimes! :)


Kakka March 30, 2010 at 12:26 am

OMG – like you I can't take the pill – but never went down this path either. We just played russian roulette (hence my 4 children I suppose) as obviously, as my children think, we only had sex 4 times.

Glad you got it out as that must have been sort of scary (oh and that you can laugh about it now – you are laughing aren't you??)


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