Today, I am really not fucking OK.
All that numbness that was going, is gone. Everything is in Technicolor, vivid shades of pain and despair and loneliness and heart ache.
How loud do I have to scream? What’s the point of telling people to speak up, but when I do, I’m still ignored?
Do you need to go hospital? I’ve been asked that a few times today, when I’ve rang people, unable to stop crying.
No. How fucking stupid. I need people. I need company. That’s all. I just need people to talk to.
With the exception of my lovely Sarie– who has just come of pregnancy bedrest and still offered to jump in her car and drive three hours to me if I needed her, bless her and every part of her soul- most people in my real life seem to suck a bit.
I think I reached a new low of loneliness when I actually offered to pay a friend to have the day off work and come and be with me- just freaking be with me, nothing else, not even do a thing for me or my kids- and it’s still too difficult.
I know, there are a million people online who offer company and support, and I adore you all for that…but I’m sure you’ll understand when I say that I want people I know and love and are already familiar and comfortable with. (I had an interesting conversation the other night with some bloggers over whether people would be as supportive if I knew you all In Real Life- but that’s another post, for another day.)
As my bestie Emma said on the phone to me today- I just really want to people to give a fuck about me. I just really want someone who loves me to care enough about me to see that I am really, really, really not coping right now. And I don’t need a hospital or any more drugs. I need real, physical, practical support.
I have trouble asking for help.
It makes me feel weak and selfish. I always feel like I am burdening people, putting them out.
I don’t ask for help very often. The last six months, I’ve done this on my own. The help I’ve asked for involved taking care of my kids. And I always feel as if I ask a little too much, too often.
A couple of days a fucking fortnight.
But people are busy, and tired, and they work, and all of those things are more important than me, no matter how badly I’m hurting.
I think I’ve been hurting for too long now, maybe? Hurting for too long, expecting too much.
It just breaks my heart. I scream for help. No one cares. I’ve heard it before, so many times- people have their own lives to live, they can’t put themselves out for me.
But I don’t ask often.
Only when I really, really need it.
And that’s now.
My mum is coming tomorrow. And I will hold out until then. I just wish I didn’t have to.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori –
I haven't been on your blog in a while. I was spiraling downward in depression due to a situation with the US military and I was limiting internet time for my own sanity.
I am also too proud to ask for help. I've paid for companionship from my friends – offering a days wage or even more just to get them to hang out with me. I don't want to seem weak or something else to them. How silly is that? I have to pay my "friends"…
My husband is in the military – I have been so fortunate that he has come home to me – but I have been pretty much going it alone for the last ten years. I can relate to your loneliness.
I have to remind myself to breathe when the kids (6 & 2) wonder where their daddy is. I have a tangible location to tell them, but that is usually all. I pretend to understand how it is for you because time and space mean nothing to them.
Anywho – I am there with you, despite not knowing me. I have read your journey and so much of it has hit home. I suffer from depression and have PTSD due to being alone and under such uncertainty for so long.
I just want to offer my support. I wish we were closer and could trade company without feeling guilty and that we had to pay for it. It would be a nice change.
You are an amazingly strong and candid woman. I admire and appreciate you for all you are doing for so many lives.
Thank you again,
Lauren
It's not much to ask at all. I feel impotent being so far away when I do nothing all day and could easily come over and just be.
Also feel like a douche for not seeing this post earlier, but hey, we can't be good at everything, right?
Oh Lori, I completely empathize with you. I know EXACTLY how you feel about needing someone and not wanting to ask for help because of how it makes you feel. I've been told to go to a hospital or try Xanax for panic and my weakest moments at the worst of my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I've been made fun of, I've been abandoned, I've had to go through things alone because my husband is in school and our marriage is on the rocks mostly because of that, and when times get tough, I have nowhere to go. I had one friend offer to let me stay with her, but she's a young married woman with her husband of not quite two years and they have as much, if not more problems than I do. Lori, if I didn't have my book to write, I would go mad. My book is what is keeping me from going mad.
I know that our situations are not the same at all, but I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes all you need is a friend. All I have is my book. It's sad that I can't just come to Australia and just stay with you for a while so we could each have a real, tangible friend.
Thankfully the characters in my book all like me…
Who is that bitch that refused to come help you when you offered to PAY HER???? That aint no friend in my book.
I've been there, Lori. I've been there for the last three years. It fucking sucks and it makes me want to ring up everyone I know and scream at them about how selfish they are.
And yet it wouldnt work, even if I did. People dont want to deal with ugly raw emotion, or situations that they find confronting. Like the pain of grief, or the emotional pain of chronic physical pain. People suck like that.
If I was there I would come over and just hang out. I'd bring my kids too. We could drink tea and I would make you cupcakes.
Don't forget, we might just look like a typeface, but we are all actual real people here too, people who care and will help. xxx
Mum's make everything better.
Dont stop asking for help; the ones who truly matter, who truly love you, will always help. Its cold comfort but while there remains a blog community, you will long be loved x
You asked for a day and got a no? Really?! I hate this for you.
And no, people like us probably wouldn't be there for you in real life as much as we are here because it's hard to do that. But some of us would check in and visit and be there at the drop of a hat. I would. I wish I could.
And don't forget we always have coffee, chocolate bikkies & cocktails
I cannot believe that some selfish person would say no to you. I'm sorry but for you to be in such need for a friend, to offer to pay someone to stay with you, I cannot believe that anyone could say no to that.
Our home is always open, for an afternoon, overnight, or six months. You know you are more than welcome to be here and we will drop everything to come down if you need us. Aaron almost packed up the kids when I was still at work yesterday to come get you!
We're worried & we care & we just want to be there in any way we can.
Love you loads chicky xxx
I hope the time passes quickly before your mum comes.
You've reminded me to contact a friend who, like you, is going through longer-term problems. I know she feels the same as you, that friends disappear and aren't as supportive over time.
When there is an immediate crisis it is easy to step forward with a few hours or days of support for a friend. To continue that support over months, while our own life and little daily stresses continue, is harder.
I hope that your friends reach out to you and step up a little.
(hugs)
It doesn't seem a lot to ask – I suspect that in fact there are real people there who care – it's just very, very hard for you to accept it ;;; keep on looking
Oh, Lori. Sending you love and fierce hugs from the U.S. I wish I could be there for you in the physical sense, I really do.
Wishing I could offer more than cyber-support. I hope you find someone to lean on, to listen and to hold you. Know that you matter. Know that we care.
Lisa
Wow – your emotion here is almost tangible. I wish someone could come and give you that hug and listening ear right NOW! Sounds like you need someone around you and your kids for a few days/weeks – just to give you the security of knowing you're not alone. Sending you a big British hug! xxxx
Nothing beats face-to-face. 100% get it. Thinking of you xx
Oh mate, I get this, I really do.
It is so hard to ask, and then so much worse when you are rejected. I no longer ask. I now know I HAVE to do it on my own or with my immediate family.
It is just so hard when all you really need, as your friend said, is to matter. You matter to me Lori, but I know that is not much comfort from a random on the interweb.
Hold on until your Mum gets there, please, just hold on. xx
I feel exactly this same way.
*HUGS*
I completely understand. I learned in college that people don't thrive with any less than three (or was it five? I don't remember, so obviously I didn't learn it well) hugs a day. We folks across the world from you just can't do that, offer the hugs you really need. It's a shame really. Instead of singing telegrams I wish I could pay someone to give you a hug from me.
I wish I knew what to say. I wish more of your friends would step up. I can't imagine turning away any of my friends if they asked for it and were crying. Hope time with your mom helps.
I can so relate to this right now.
Hugs to you xx
Nothing I can say to make you feel better…but I will pray that some (even 1) of your real life friends will come through for you!
I think you are so right about wanting people you know. They're the ones you want to let your guard down in front of. They're the ones who should be there for you. You are not asking to much to expect that – you would be there for them. And the rest of us (as much as we would love to take away all your pain with our magic wands) should use this moment to remember the people in our own real-lives that are hurting and need our support. But I really would wave my magic want if I could…
xxxCate
I wish I could fast-forward you over these moments x
If you lived next door, I'd come make you tea and give you a big hug – sending it over the interwebs xxxx
I'm sorry Lori.
I wish that there was something that I could do to make it all better.
So I'll just send you love.
I wish you didn't have to either.
I wish you had that familiar comfort and support.
I know that you know you have a tonne of people online who are here supporting you and many who are happy to transfer that over to real life in the flesh support, myself included. But for that to work you need to be ready to let those people in. And one day you will be (and maybe for some never at all?).
Just know all you have to do is speak up and people will be there. Those who shrug you off? They're losers. Idiots. They don't deserve you.
I completely understand feeling guilty about asking for help – I always do – but it is not selfish to do so. You have coped admirably for months – that you're not doing so right now is completely understandable, and I wish someone from 'real life' would be there for you right now. God knows you deserve it.
Obviously I'm not real life, and I'm still quite new to this blog so you don't even know me in that context, but if there was some way I could teleport myself to Oz right now, believe me, I would. Not to advise, not to seek solutions (as if there are any), but just to be there with you and hold you. You deserve someone to do that for you, and I hope someone sees that and acts accordingly.
You're a good person. You didn't deserve, and don't deserve, any of this. Ultimately, words are meaningless, but I wanted you to know that I care.
Lots of hugs
Pan xxxxx
Dear sweet brave Lori,
I really wish I could send someone over to you who could help you with everything you need and hold you when you need it most. Someone who knows you, loves you, keeps you save. All my love….and hang on in there until tomorrow!!
Wendy
Shit, that's hard to read Lori. It's hard to want to give the support you need and not be the one to be able to give it. x
I am so sorry Lori. I have been in a similar place, many years ago, where I just needed someone, and had no one.
I wish there was some magical solution, some way to have a support system in place all the time.
If there is anything that the online world can do to keep you company until your mum arrives, let us all know.
xxxx
I completely understand your frustration and I have learnt very quickly to depend on no-one but myself. I have moments of depression and feel isolated, but manage to get through it eventually. We have no family support either (they're interstate) and most of the time have issues finding someone to look after our son if, god forbid, we want to have a night out to eat dinner without whining, temper-tantrums and frustration. Everyone does have their own lives and sometimes they have their priorities wrong. I'm sorry but going out drinking with your other friends shouldn't take priority over hanging out with your god son when I only ask once in a blue moon. But it does. And you know what? I've just learnt to not depend on those people. I find so much more support in online bloggy and twitter pals. Sad as that is, it's the truth. I hope you find strength and happiness. You deserve it. And when your mum gets there tomorrow, she'll give you a big squeeze and things will feel so much better. Sending you lots of warm hugs over the interwebs.
Oh Honey – sometimes people just suck. Sending you big hugs xx
Yes, sometimes nothing can come close to an in real life person with in real life tea and tim tams or vodka. And it can be harder when you're trying to cope and it goes along the lines of coping-coping-coping-need help immediately with nothing in between.
Sending love and hugs your way Lori xxx
I'm sorry Lori. I wish you were awash in a sea of overbearing friends and family who would hold you up.
The sad truth is that people generally run from difficult, emotional situations. They don't know what to say or do – so they say and do nothing at all.
Asking for help is so hard, and not getting it when you ask is just total crap.
If there's something we (your online folks) can do – please just lay it out there for us. I know that I for one, wish I could do something for you.
Hugs
xxx
HUGS Lori… Just HUGS. xxx
Strength to you Lori, enjoy your mums company tomorrow – Poppy xx
Oh, Lori… If I were over there in Oz instead of all the way over here on the other side of the world, or if I had an extra few grand to spend on plane tickets, I would more than happily be taking myself over to your place to do exactly this. Just sit with you. The real bugger is, I know EXACTLY how you feel. There have been so many fucking times where I've needed to reach out to someone, more specifically my "best friend," but her goddamn now ex-boyfriend and the fact that she feels uncomfortable talking on the phone when other people are around took precedence over me and my pain. She didn't care about the fact that I might be calling her because I fucking needed to talk; no, she just cared that she didn't want to accidentally say something embarrassing in front of her now ex-BF's mom or her now ex-BF. She told me "oh, text me that you need to talk." Well, she doesn't pick up texts either! And all this when it is SO hard for me in the first place to admit that I'm not OK, that I need some help. It just makes me so angry, and it makes me angry on your behalf that there are people in your life that you should be able to rely on that aren't being there for you. I don't know if there's anything I can do for you from all the way over here, but if there is, please, please, don't hesitate to ask me. I promise you, with every breath that's in me, I will not let you down.
(((HUG))))
If I could I would jump in my car and drive to you right now.
And that is the issue – well there are two.
1. I am not someone who you know well in real life who you can just be totally yourself with ( I so get that)
2. And there is that "If I could".. kids to look after, being the main thing. I know you get the difficulties.
But god I would if I could. I really would.