Well… hi. It’s been a while.
I’ve been afraid to write on my own blog, and I’m still not sure why. It’s bizarre how something that was my salvation now causes me a strange kind of anxiety.
I’ve been afraid of a lot of things over the last year or so. I kind of lost the ability to function in any meaningful way for a while there. Blogging is just part of it.
It felt like six months of falling deeper and deeper into a hole I didn’t even know was ahead of me. And it’s been six months of rebuilding myself. Step by step. Bit by tiny bit. You know how it can be- one step forward, two steps back.
I’ve been afraid of myself, and everything that resides within me. It’s taking a while, to get to know myself again.
I am angry at myself for thinking I knew everything. For not realising what an effect such a huge geographical move would have on me. I try not to think about it too much.
I have missed writing, and I feel the hole that it’s left. But I think about blogging. And that leads to thinking about the avalanche of unanswered emails in my inbox; the Facebook messages I haven’t responded to. Which ties in to the phone calls I haven’t made, the to–do list of things I haven’t done….
And it’s all downhill from there.
So I’m not going to worry about that, right now. I’m just going to write. It’s just fingers tapping on my iPad screen. It’s just writing. A few hundred words and nothing more.
***
Life is good. Life is laughter and school lunches and Sunday trips into the city, and late nights curled up watching TV in bed.
Life is normal. I feel normal. We- the Most Amazing Man, the Chop, the Bump and I- are a happy, relatively well–functioning little family of four.
Some days I’m still… not great. Some days I jump at little things. Sometimes the sound of sirens make my heart beat fast and a lump of dread sits like sour dough in my stomach. Some days I spiral into things I shouldn’t think about.
But that’s just life, and everything has something that haunts them. Everyone has bad days. These things just manifest themselves in different ways.
***
The Most Amazing Man is still pretty damn amazing. My children are gorgeous, beautiful, magnificent little creatures. It continually amazes me, how much I can love two people who drive me so absolutely fucking insane with their cheeky naughtiness.
There’s so much i want to tell you about them. About me. And I will, I’m sure I will…
Baby steps. This is one post. One post at a time.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Welcome back
Normal is good and happy is even better. So you just write when you feel like it and don’t worry about anything else.
Welcome back lovely. I agree with Danielle. Clean slate the shit out of your inbox and rebirth yourself fresh and clean.
Wow this is the first time I have found this hang in there girl, we are aligned it is spooky love to you and yours thankyou for your blog We have gone through the some shit at the same time. Through our husbands and we have SURVIVED what they did to our family we will never recover from but we are now so strong and they do don’t have anything except there past….not ours or theirs…..
Great to see you back
Welcome back. We are here with open arms to listen and support.
Welcome back you beautiful soul. So lovely to read your words again. Glad to hear you are well, much love xxxxxx
So nice to see you here again , you write so beautifully Lori x
Well done. One post a time. So nice to see you write again. Miss your smiley face xoxo
LORI! So glad to see you making words on my screen.
You do what you need to do, write what you want to write, be awesome and we’ll all still be here, wishing only the best for you.
x x x
Marlee Jane recently posted…Notes on the Last Day of a Writers Workshop
Welcome back x
I often wonder how you are doing, I’ve noticed your absence! I’ll bet your just loving this Melbourne weather…I’ve lived here my whole life and it’s really bugging me this year. Can’t wait for daylight savings and hanging washing on the clothesline again!
Glad to see you back! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The biggest tip I can give you is to wipe it clean. Your inbox, your Facebook inbox and start a fresh. If it’s important they will reach out again and you will have a fresh start.
RRSAHM! exclaimed I, when I saw you in my RSS feed. Missed you! Glad for one post to read or many. Just made a huge geographical move myself (including leaving my husband after discovering his year long affair). Day by day (and post by post), on we go. So glad your little fam is happy!
Missed you! Glad to have you back! My kiddo is leaving the nest tomorrow!!!! We move her into her dorm. I am ONE. HOT. MESS. right now.
I’m glad you’re considering blogging more often! I love your writing! Remember that people all over the world have come to care about you and yours through your blog. Also? You have helped A LOT of people by describing your progress through your own struggles. I know. I’m one of them.
Big hug and a big ole smooch from all the way over here in Alabama!
Marianne recently posted…Put in perspective…
Welcome back, I’m glad you’re still putting one foot in front of the other! Here’s a tip for your (overwhelming?) inbox – delete it and start fresh. Chances are you’ve already dealt with what needs dealing with anyway, and the sheer numbers of unread mail gets to be paralysing. I’ve been there. Trust me, trash it and it’ll be a huge weight off you.
Take care of you xx
I like the delete and start again approach