I think being a parent involves having your heart tweaked and fractured every so often. It’s impossible to protect yourself from your children’s hurts. Your own coping strategies are less effective when it’s someone else’s pain.
My daughter attends her first day at daycare yesterday, and when I pick her up there is something not quite right about her; something off about my sunny, bubbly girl.
The reason was as basic and simple as it comes. She’s toilet training, she had an accident at school. The other little girls wouldn’t play with her.
Oh. Ouch. Ouch.
She misses her old school, she tells me, and her friends that were there.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
***
My son is, if nothing else, a coper. He’s stoic and strong and he rarely shows it when he’s sad. I witness his pain in tiny slips of his innocent tongue- the things he says without realising he’s saying anything at all.
Playing with his sister, doubled together on a ride-on bike, they’re discussing imaginary destinations.
“I want to go to Heaven“ says my boy. “With God. And Dad.”
He thinks nothing of it. Both my children continue on with their game.
Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
***
At the moment, it’s all exasperated by that general overwhelming feeling of sadness. I miss my mum. It’s a hollow ache every time I think about it.
If I’m missing her so, I can only imagine how much my kids must be missing their Nonna. How much she must be missing them. We talk on the phone, and I hold back tears, seeing how happy my little ones are just to hear her voice.
Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }
I haven’t been around the Blogosphere, Lori, so I had no idea this was all happening. I’m glad that you’re settling, but of course it takes time. If, in a parallel universe, Tony was alive and the two of you decided to move to Melbourne as a family, the kids would struggle for a little while there too.
But families move. They grow. They change. And the adjust. It’s not all neat and tidy pieces. But it is what it is. Life going on. <3 <3 <3 <3
Keep doin wot ur doin Lori.u n ur kids r beautiful!!!!xx
Just clicked through to this one from your most recent post. Wow. Some people really are interesting, aren’t they?!
I hope the positive responses and passionate defences below buoyed you far more than the negativity got you down. And just in case, here’s some more positivity: YOUR KIDS ARE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. And what is more, they probably know it too.
And now that we’re locals, feel free to drop me an email if you want to catch up with someone who speaks blog. x
Emily recently posted…Tiredness vs exhaustion
Sending you MUCH LOVE across the miles/kms!! If I had a penny for every for every time someone told me how I “should” feel, I’d be a millionaire (and insane!!) Listen to your heart, as you already have so honorably and well…
Hugs from Ohioooooooo!
Valerie
There are opinions, and there is condescension. Perhaps Ruby is a martyr for her children. That’s not parenting Ruby, that’s submission. To suggest you would *never* uproot your children from what they know is a crock. I’m sure you would, given good enough reason. But I guess for now, you are pious. So perhaps you could pious off and rant at the Baptists or something.
Griff recently posted…The Garden Is Healthy
Thanks for the laugh Griff…! ;)))
Seventeen years ago – almost eighteen, actually – I moved to Sydney from Perth for ‘a few years’. Yup. Still here.
I live with a daily dose of guilt that I’m far away from my parents – robbing them of (yet another) daughter and that my kids don’t get to hang out with their grandparents/uncles/aunties/cousins on a regular basis.
You will have days where you’ll feel guilty and sad for moving away (sorry – just finding out now – I’ve been a bit busy and absent from the blogging world!). But if you’re happy and the move has made you happy, I’m sure your Mum will be nothing but happy for you, and eventually, your kids will adjust. They will. No question. I always remember my Mum saying, when she first visited Sydney, “I’ve never seen you this happy. Sydney suits you.” I know she understands that this is where I’m meant to be.
And I’m still a BIG believer that a happy mum makes a happy child/children.
xox
PS – Love, love, LOVE your blog look these days, hon. AWESOME!
Hi Lori,
Ouch indeed. But, you will all grow through this experience. Of course, it is going to be an adjustment and painful, growing always is. But you will get through this, and your family will be okay.
And, I don’t think it is selfish to be sharing your thoughts, nor was the move.
Much love,
Trisha
Trisha recently posted…Living with Depression: Some of my coping tips
Oh for fucks sake I get so sick and tired of people who can’t handle truth.
I love what one of your peeps said below, Lori ….. about LOVING to have their families history written down in such a way. I would too! I would LOVE it.
I just sat with my brother yesterday for four hours straight. Talking about everything – all our mental health shit, the suicide of his father. I sat there telling him details about the day of the suicide – really full-on details, and some petty ones that nobody has ever told him. He NEEDS to know this. He sat there lapping it up. And he is almost 33 years old.
I think people may have forgotten that you were HOLDING the Bump, on That Day. That Chop was inside (thankfully!). That your children will be a part of what happened, forever.
I cannot imagine having to deal with what you have had to deal with, Lori. It must be So. Fucking. Hard. And you come back to here, your space, time and time again, and document it. Good for you. It helps – god knows I know it helps. Wishing your new little blended family EVERY love and success.
I would move to Melbourne in a flash.
XXXXXXX eden
edenland recently posted…Street Talk: The Average Mental Health Patient.
Wow, I don’t visit for ages and the gremlins invade!
It takes time hun. They’ll adjust, and they will find all the things they love, and the friends that will be their buds forever – in kid terms
My lot have had three big moves in their lives, it took us all a bit of time to adjust to it, but we did. And they are as happy as pigs in mud since finding their ‘best buds foreva’
And since realising they have been more places, and done more than other kids they know.
Things can only get better
… Oh frick me, now I have that dumb song in my head!
Big love Lori xx
MC xxx
Miss Cinders recently posted…if only you knew
All I can say is, remember why you made the move, the kids will settle, get into a new routine, and life will be good (hopefully) and eventually boring (unfortunately). I’m in Melbourne too, whereabouts are you? Vaguely, of course, North, South, East, West? I’m in the Eastern suburbs.
Try not to read the negative comments. XXXX
It’s a proven fact – moving is one of the top 3 most stressful things a person can experience – next to death…and shit Lori…you’ve gone through all of that.
Ignore those that judge – haters, people expressing their own opinion, whatever. They’re not going through what you’re going through.
For those who are “expressing their own opinion” – just give her love and support rather than judgement. Really, is it THAT hard to do???
Just keep going, Lori. Head up. Back straight. Wipe the tears. Just keep going. xxx
Lori, everything will be fine. I love reading your observations and anecdotes, the crunchy and the smooth. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t miss someone who is in “heaven”, at least kids are honest about it. Hugs to you, I know Melbournia will be wonderful for all of you, and those Tiger flights will be happening soon enough for visits to and from Grandma x ps I felt like my lad was toilet training for about 17 years but within a few months everything was under his control – Bump will have it sorted soon and a whole group of new little friends, in fact it’s probably happened already!!
Lori, I am so proud of you for having the strength to get to where you are today. All these feelings are normal and it will take time for you and the kids to settle. I know every decision you have made over the last few years has been in the best interests of your kids. You are awesome… Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise xx
Lemme just say do NOT judge Lori as you have NOT walked in her shoes. There is a story behind every person. There’s a reason they’re the way they are. Think about this before you judge someone. Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are!
Lori I relocated with my only child then 7 (now 20) from Melbourne to Brisbane to be with my soul mate. How you are feeling at this time is normal sweetheart. Do not numb yourself down for the peanut gallery (who may or may not have been as lucky in love)
PS – 13 years later my blended family in Brissy is rock solid and all kinds of awesome
Truthfully? You really want to sit and judge?
Private diary? Yup. Good one. From someone that has read this blog?
Clear, factual conversation?
With Chop? There is nothing but facts with Chop.
Bump is magic in a tutu. If YOU don’t know these kids…consider yourselves completely out of depth to comment on how they are parented behind closed blog doors.
Lori allowed you to see her hurt. Selfish is not even registering what the consequences are of your actions. Think we can clearly see that she has thought about it before the move and after.
Express yourself. Drop the accusing and go for it.
It’s not unwelcome. Being pompous is.
Until you know the pain of her life, you don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do. Just like any other situation in life.
Chin up, forget all these horrible, hateful, nasty comments and know that you have done the right thing. Welcome to melbourne! Enjoy this new adventure and chapter of your family’s life and don’t let any doubts or horrible, judgemental people get the better of you.
I think you are amazing. Some people don’t find happiness ever, you are taking it with both hands! I really respect that and you should be so proud of your self and your ongoing bravery! Just bcoz you sometimes doubt yourself or you think via a blog, does not mean you are not brave!!!
It will get better. I know, because I did it. I moved straight across the country, over 3000 kms from everything myself and my kids knew. They were younger, just 1 and 3. It worked. I hated it for the first 18 months, even though it was my choice to move. I couldn’t imagine existing without my family by my side, but I did. Almost four years later and we’re as happy as can be, and I love it here.
You’ll get through this, it’s just another speed bump. And everything you feel is very valid!
And, fuck anyone who thinks they have the right to judge you.
It’s a very difficult thing to move from everything you and the kidlets know and love Lori. Yes the kids will have moments of sadness and confusion but they will now have some new and amazing adventures to balance it all out.
The silver lining is that when they, and you, do get time with Nonna down the track, whether it be here or there, they will get quality time and a more meaningful one at that. They won’t ever take it for granted and those precious moments will stick with them even longer than the more frequent everyday ones that have been the norm.
I’m so sorry that I didn’t come and wish you farewell but I have a hell of a plate full at the moment. Snuggles for Floyd and hugs to you all!
You were so very brave to up sticks and move interstate. It has been a huge move for you all. The good thing is the children are young enough to cope with the change. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
Does your mum have a computer? If so, why not set up Skype and do video calls.
Have mum come down when ever she can to stay. I wish I could do that with my daughter and my grand children but they live in Belgium.
I wish you all the very best for the future. You. Can. Do. It.
Awww…lori. it takes time to adjust. Kids are far stronger than we give them credit…and yours are incredibly strong
I have read ur blog a very long time, well, since “before”…and I am so so happy for you! How wonderful it will be for you and “the most amazing man” to someday look back at this time in your life and KNOW that this was a trying, difficult, yet amazing, turning point in your relationship. And when your children are old enough to understand, they will be proud that you followed your happiness!
As a society we have a problem with people truly expressing emotions, good or bad. Lori your journey is amazing and your kids sound like wonderful human beings. I am glad you made the move for love as we all deserve it. Of course you will miss your Mum as would your kids but that is natural and you would miss her even if you just moved suburbs. Things in time will get easier and the kids will be happy as they are with you. Adjustments a bitch though! Stay strong.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and am so relieved to learn that healing can happen and there can be hope for the future. I appreciate that your writing is so real, your feelings are authentic, and you are not afraid to put it all out there. There are thousands, maybe millions of blogs full of sugar-coated bits of life, but yours is more what we all actually live. Your writing helps many of us remember that life isn’t all posed photos with matching outfits and perfect dinners and spotless houses, and we shouldn’t expect that of ourselves or others. While I wish you hadn’t had to endure all of the heartache of the past few years, I am glad you chose to realistically document it and share it with everyone who chooses to read it. I chose to keep coming back and am so happy for you that you are ready to open yourself up to this new adventure in your life. I live halfway around the world from you and only know you from your blog, but I suspect you and your kids will be just fine. xo
I feel very sorry for the people who are so narrow minded and pathetic that they cannot appreciate your blog and your writing for what it is, a glorious and raw account of your world. I don’t really understand how being attuned to your children’s emotional states and feeling their pain physically is ‘whinging’…I think it makes you a better parent than the obviously one dimensional haters who feel the need to tear you down…hope to run into you in Melbourne xox
Lori – please ignore the shit comments from small minded people who seem to enjoy saying hurtful things. You are a wonderful Mum. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your kids’ thoughts about the move. May the days ahead get better and better.
Put on those red shoes Lori….kick those heels up to the haters and enjoy your new life.
Everything will work out hon.
Much love.Xx
Dear Lori,
Please don’t for one minute think that you are not courageous just because you are afraid. Please do not minimize your power just because you are feeling a little lost. Please do not believe that you are not on the right track just because you are in a bit of a slump….and most of all, please do not EVER think that you are the only one who has hard days, rotten days, weak days and even days when you feel like you have messed up everything, gone backwards or that all is lost. Even your greatest heroes and role models have days just like you have.
These feelings will pass. If all you can do is HOPE that these feelings will pass, it will be enough. Never lose hope. You made it to now, and you will make it to tomorrow. The clouds will blow over, the sunshine will come again and you will have learned a few new lessons along the way. BEING BRAVE does not mean that you do not sometimes feel scared, weak and lost….it just means you keep going anyway…..and that is what you do best.
You can do this, friend…you really can. Keep going……..don’t stop now!
You are so loved.
xoxo
All I can think of is what your children will go through when they read about all THEIR emotional vulnerability THEIR mother has shared with the world. Perhaps a private diary wld be a good idea? The poster who used the word selfish to describe you earlier is spot on. Put yourself in their place in ten years time… Or are you not capable of that kind of empathy. The only person who benefits from this outpouring of melodrama is you. I agree with Ruby.
Blah, blah, blah.. I do believe I’ve had this conversation before, and we’ve covered this one.
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
So you think it’s a good idea to teach children that feelings aren’t to be expressed? That emotions are taboo? That’s exactly the cause of so many problems faced in our society. It’s healthy for them to see someone actually openly expressing their feelings, especially as a way to overcome problems.
Not to mention that, taking myself back to my teenage years, I can’t imagine having any desire to even read a blog written by my mother. How bloody boring. They’d be more likely to read it once they’re mature enough to see it as an absolutely priceless family history. I’d kill to have my families story written down with so much raw emotion. Of course it’s possible that they will see it and won’t like it, but it’s hardly going to ruin their lives. In a family where the lines of communication are open, there’s no reason why the outcomes can’t be positive. Get over yourself.
Yes! Most certainly !! Cause lets all sweep suicide and mental health completely under the fucking carpet and ignore it…. while we’re at it, lets sweep sex abuse and domestic violence there too… let it be our dirty little secret … and lets make our kids fucking suppress their feelings and the things they’ve seen and the things they’re scared of … cause that won’t fuck them up and put them in counselling at all… will it…. seriously… get a fucking clue
Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I know the feeling is just shit. Moving to a new place can be really tough at first – at the end of the day, if they are with you, the mother that adores them, then they’ll be OK. Hit me up for a coffee soon, please! Welcome you to Melbourne with some serious coffee OD! (I think you are just down the road from me!) Kx
I think we might be close, Kim, I was thinking that the other day. We’ll have to catch up soon. xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
The great thing about kids? They are often so much more resilient than we give them credit for. It is completely normal for a boy to want to be with his father, a father who he loved, and who loved him. He doesn’t understand the meaning behind it quite like we as adults do, he just wants to see his dad. I hope that you all begin to settle in soon and the ouch moments begin to fade. You are doing awesome, don’t let arseholes get inside you head. Sending you love xx
Tegan recently posted…Keeping Safe
How dare you people pick on Lori. Anyone that has moved hours away from their family would feel this way. I have after moving four hours away from all my loved ones. If you had been following this blog for the last three years you would know how far Lori has come in that time. She is doing a great job. How dare you pick on her parenting because her son misses his dad. He knows his fathee is wiyh god and that his dad cant come back from there so obviously the only way to see his dad would be in heaven. You obviously don’t have children or you would know the types of things children say. Pull your heads in.
Ouch indeed. There’s nothing quite as painful as your own child’s hurt. Please don’t let some of these comments put you off of blogging about how you feel, you write so beautifully. Not that you’re asking for advice but maybe allow yourself to be sad whilst also going out and doing the things that made you want to move to this city. Thinking of you.
Thank you B xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
I’m sure it will get better, I know it will with time. You will make friends, your kids will make friends, they’ll find teachers they love (and probably some they hate, but hopefully not to many of those), and it will all get better. I know there’s a loss in moving, heck there’s a loss in finishing a bowl of ice cream, but you have to look forward to the new good things as well. I’ll keep praying that you’ll all find the right people, places, things to make this new house feel like home.
“…heck there’s a loss in finishing a bowl of ice cream”
Damn. I think I’ll be repeating this to myself from now on. How true.
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
I am glad you are posting through the transition. It must be hard to hit publish when you know that there are some out there just waiting to pull your words apart. I thought they would be tired by now – their message certainly is tired. Keep on going for yourself and for those for whom your story resonates.
“It must be hard to hit publish when you know that there are some out there just waiting to pull your words apart”
Yeah. That. xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
Seriously. I have major doubts about your parenting. Sorry, I do hope all this works out for you all and desperately do hope he is the most amazing man in the…whatever, can’t remember but I really hope so. What are YOU saying to these children to have a young boy think he wants to go to heaven to be with god and/or his Dad. Please please start talking in clear, simple, factual ways to your beloved children. Choose to love what YOU chose to do. I wish you all the very best, try and embrace it.
Love your comment! And I agree totally with you. Having said I do wish Chop, Bump and their mother all the best!
“What are YOU saying to these children to have a young boy think he wants to go to heaven to be with god and/or his Dad.”
Yes, because obviously Lori is telling her kids that they should want to die, right? The comment couldn’t be because a small child doesn’t fully understand that Heaven isn’t somewhere you go temporarily. And even if he does, he couldn’t *possibly* be talking about a hypothetical visit to someone he absolutely loves with his entire being.
For goodness’ sake, I’m 27 and wish I could go “visit” my lived ones in the afterlife. I’m agnostic so not even sure there IS an afterlife but I still want to see my son again, tell my grandparents I love them… I have major doubts about your ability to be compassionate. Seriously. Go away and turn your hateful comments on someone who deserves it.
Even though we read Lori’s blog it doesn’t mean we are not allowed to comment we choose. I for one have been reading Lori’s blog for a couple of years now and never felt to comment until now.
You’re very much entitled to comment. What I can’t comprehend is how you don’t have anything better to do with your time than read blogs written by people you don’t like, and write long messages filled with vile negativity. It must be fucking horrible to be you.
Areta do you know me? Ummm….no! It’s quite good to be me! And I would never do this to my kids, never ever!
Explain to me how this is your idea of a good time then? You’re pathetic. What exactly has she “done to her kids”? Seriously, get a life.
Oh Areta darling its quite funny how people like you get so het up about comments made on other people’s blogs. I would never of taken my kids from everything they know and love to a place where they are thousands of kms from those things. I would never of subjected my kids to such upheaval haven’t those two gone through enough in their short lives. Lori sorry if you class me as a hater, I am just expressing my thoughts on this post. Sorry if I have upset you in any way.
Ruby, you’ve just effectively said that being with their mother is taking the kids away from everything they know and love. That’s meanspirited and nasty.
Honestly, unless you’ve actually been in the situation, how can you really know what you would do? It’s easy to sit in judgement, far more effort to empathise.
Lol!Miss B you don’t know me!
Wow Ruby. If you asked most kids, I think they’d say they want their parent/s to be happy. Lori and her kids moved for a new HAPPY life, which they totally deserve. I don’t know Lori, and I rarely comment, but it strikes me that it takes a pretty twisted, negative person to find something horrible in something inherently exciting and happy. You make it sound as though Lori hasn’t even considered the difficulties her kids (and, hello, she) will face by moving. Give us all a break – OF COURSE she’s considered it. And typical of her strength, she’s gone ahead and done it, and will be there for her kids as they make the transition – and I have no doubt they’ll all come out the other side happier than they’ve been in a really long time – perhaps ever.
Also, to round things off, you give yourself away as totally clueless when you say “I never would of…”. It’s “I never would HAVE…”
Yeaaaah. Jean, I think Teni’s got this one perfectly. You’re a bit of a goose.
And please, stick your well wishes up your arse.
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
Yeeeah! Will Someone please inform this Ruby person THIS IS A TROLL FREE ZONE.
I know a pit-bull named Ruby but she’s a sweet-heart: loves everyone & makes sure they know it.
Suzy Mac recently posted…When I was a superhero…
Jean and Ruby – do you have children? a husband? a partner?
Get over it! It was your choice to move!
I really don’t like this note I see, from Ruby.
Well Mouse she did choose to move so she needs to stop complaining and get over it! Of course there will be teething problems. Only a selfish person would think her kids will be happy and settled. Sorry if I offended you with my comment.
Yup. And guess what… it’s my blog, and I’ll whinge if I wanna.
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
Not very mature Lori! You really have no right to whine. You should be happy! I mean you have finally found love. After the loss of the father of your children you were looking for love you have found it! Looks like nothing will every please you and that is very sad!
“You should be happy” !?!?!?!?!?
Who do you think you are telling someone they should be happy? Happiness is relative. Should we all just be happy all the time because we’re not starving and living on the street? I read this blog because I love the way Lori expresses her emotions with words. She has every right to feel each one of those emotions. If you don’t like it, fuck off.
Telling someone they shouldn’t be depressed because there are people who have it worse than them is like telling someone they shouldn’t be happy because others have it better than them. In other words, completely pointless.
Tegan recently posted…My week according to Instagram
Areta nice name btw! Again I am allowed to
post my comments on this. If Lori is depressed why did she move? Why didn’t she stay where she was and this wonderful man of hersmove up to be with her? Why knowingly move your kids from the things that mean the world to them. Especially after all that they have lost. Love how we that express different opinions are classed as haters….
Oh please Ruby, will you write a book on parenting? Maybe just on life in general?Cause you really seem to have it all covered. I would absolutely love to know how YOU supposedly think things *should* of been done in Lori’s situation. Are you Lori? have you been through the things that she has been through? No? Didn’t think so. So maybe you should continue to keep your comments to yourself seeing as they have actually no positive purpose what so ever. Don’t judge someone else unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. And I gurantee you haven’t, or you wouldn’t be on here sprouting such utter bullshit.
Moving house is not a crime. Ruby, you’re nothing but a snide, bitter person. Leave her alone.
“Why didn’t she stay where she was and this wonderful man of hers move up to be with her?”
——————
I did have that thought at first too. But then I realised there are so many reasons why they may have decided it was better for them, as a family, to live in Melbourne.
– Lori’s boyfriend may already have a good job there, so it would make sense financially, and for job stability, for him to stay in Melbourne instead of a regional town with less employment opportunities.
– Or Lori may want to one day go to uni, or pursue a particular career. I’ve lived in many different places and have found that Melbourne has the most (and best paid) employment opportunities for my particular field of work.
– Or the schools for her children may be better in Melbourne.
I guess what I’m saying is that there are a number of reasons why they may be better off in the long run, and I imagine they weighed up all the pros and cons before reaching their decision. As someone who’s moved interstate 4 times, I’ve never made the decision lightly.
Yep K, a lot of the above. I’m thinking I should probably blog about this- the reasons I’m here, rather than him coming to Sydney. xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Father’s Day.
Lori, you go girl! As my dear departed father was fond of saying she’s ” more to be pittied than blamed” he was a very generous man.
Lets just all feel sorry for poor Ruby being the way she is and leave it at that.
Wish I was still in Melbourne- I’d scoop you up and take you to South Melbourne market for some inspired retail therapy (and coffee with fresh jam donuts)
Xo
Suzy Mac recently posted…KookaKaraoke
It will get easier babe. I promise. It doesn’t feel like it. But it will oxo
Thanks Kirsty xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…Ouch.
Ouchie.