Possible Indicators That You Have PMS And Everyone Should Clear Out and Go To Hell

by Lori Dwyer on August 9, 2011 · 25 comments

A post from the Before… I’ve hesitated posting it, for reasons that will become obvious. But, clearly, it was written- last November- very firmly tongue in cheek.

My husband… I loved that bloke. With a passion.


Working Titles- 
I Have PMS. Everyone’s An Idiot.
My Husband is a Moron.
Very Severe F*cking Language Warning.


I have PMS. It should be obvious, once I’ve said that, but- ta da!- the f-word is used a whole f*cking lot in this post*. I know. Lowest common denominator. Whatever.

I can tell I have PMS by consulting the following list of PMS Indicators.(I need indicators, OK? Remember, it’s been a while. Two months back into the cycle of things, so to speak, and I completely retract that entire blog post) If you happen to find any of these occurrences…erm… occurring over the period of longer than 24 hours, then congratu-f*cking-lations. You are the proud owner of fully bitchin’ case of PMS. The Seether.

Possible Indicators That Lori Has You Have PMS And Everyone Should Clear Out and Got To Hell
  • Most people are f*ckwits.
  • Most people walk far too f*cking slowly.
  • Most people talk far too f*cking slowly. My husband and my three year old are the worse for this. When I ask a question, I expect it to be an answer now. Not in five seconds time. NOW.
  • My one year old doesn’t answer me at all, which is even more frustrating.
  • Have I mentioned most people are f*cking idiots?
  • You feel the need to talk slowly and patronizingly, through gritted teeth, so that all these fucking idiots can understand…. what…. you … are…. saying. You go that, bucko? Or do I need to f*cking repeat it, you MORON?? This also translates into typing in italics. To get… your …point… across.
  • All  household appliances move far too f*cking slowly as well. How freaking long take it take for the computer to boot up? Seriously? Pathetic.

The final, and most prolific Possible Indicators That Lori Has You Have PMS And Everyone Should Clear Out And Go To Hell are…

  • Out of all the f*cking idiots on the planet, your husband is the biggest f*cking idiot of all.
  • Swearing under your breath is a valid, acceptable form of communication, and if people want to hear what you are saying, they should… listen… more…. closely. Idiots.

Oh my, yes. Apart from a lack of chocolate or foodstuffs dripping with grease and salt, the biggest problem of any women with PMS is her husband.

Do you want to hear the conversation that led to these final two conclusions? Of course you do. I would vlog it, but I’d end up breaking that f*cking stupid, slow webcam, so I … *ahem*… won’t.

Me: “See that women, Man, who walks past our house very day with different dogs? I’m fairly certain that’s what she does. She’s a professional dog walker.”

Man: “Seriously…? I don’t think they’re different dogs. I think one just a haircut, or something”.

Me: “Oh, of course. I f*cking live here and spend all f*cking day but I wouldn’t have a f*cking clue about what f*cking goes in in this place, would I? You, who is f*cking at work every day and doesn’t pay attention to f*cking anything anyway, would know much better. I tell you, they are different…. f*cking…. dogs, that women is a f*cking… dog… walker“**.

This is where the Man walks off in a huff. And, under my breath, I say something like “Oh, go on then, f*cking walk away, d*ckhead.”

So, there we go. Case in point. My husband is a f*cking moron.

And I, quite obviously, have PMS.

* I know, I know, I know, I will never ever get a blog sponsor using that kind of language. Whatthef*ckever.

**On closer inspection, the dog walker is probably not actually a dog walker. It appears her Pomeranian had, in fact, had a good grooming, and was now half it’s original size. Really, it’s a mistake anyway could make. And it does not change the fact that my husband is an idiot.

post signature

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Zoe Paige August 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

you are so fucking right! Argh! Husb to be is getting up my mother effing grill right now! You make me chuckle, Lori. X


MaidInAustralia August 11, 2011 at 1:28 pm

So glad you posted – hilarious take on PMS. Men should totally have to experience it at least once in their lives so they know why we get so fecking moody, needy, clingy, cranky and in need of chocolate and junk food.


Karen August 11, 2011 at 3:10 am

Funnneeeeee! I'm looking forward to menopause to be rid of it. I have PMDD…worse than PMS….it's a miracle I'm not in prison already for murder. :P


Naomi August 10, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Love it. Also, people breathe really loudly. AND they EAT REALLY LOUDLY, will they all just shut the fuck up?
ANd get me some chocolate, and chips.


Thug in a Cocktail Dress August 11, 2011 at 2:38 am

woooooo hooooo….i found someone just like me!!!!!!!!!
i esp. like the appliance part and as far as you being the one at home every day, and him not paying attention to anything anyway…
i have that thought every day anyway…. it seems men are in some kind of oblivion…never paying much attention to anything….then later when I say, "You remember, we saw it, it was right beside the Wal-mart (or insert whatever object you desire)" he's like, No…we didn't see it…then they argue like they know…wth? they don't pay attention to anything, then want to argue a point????? BBBOOOOONNNKKKK….wrong answer.


Maya, Mo and Me August 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

hahaha I had a similar argument with my hubbie. I had stopped to get grilled fish, waited around for them to grill it and took it home for dinner. Hubbie goes – oh you got fried fish. I say No, it's grilled. He takes a bite and says um no its fried. I say NO ITS GRILLED. He pauses. It tastes fried. I yell out OMFG It's fucking grilled. Were you the one that ordered it, were you the one that waiting the 20mins for them to cook it, watching them grill it up, ITS FUCKING GRILLED!!!. He says chill babe I was just saying… MORON


Cara1979 August 10, 2011 at 12:22 pm

A.W.E.S.O.M.E – that argument about the dog walker…i swear to god i have an argument like that with my husband at least twice a week…PMS or no PMS…


S August 10, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I've said for years that PMS stands for "Punish My Spouse". This post made me pee. Seriously. Then again, I find my bladder is always a little weaker when I'm pmsing. Fuck off if you don't believe me. ;)


Ling August 10, 2011 at 11:28 am

When I have PMS, I am just like you LOL.


Eccles August 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

"I've only ever made one mistake, and that's when I thought I was wrong". Now pass the chocolate or just FUCK OFF!!!


Amy xxoo August 10, 2011 at 7:45 am

I think my lovely fiance is very happy i dont get PMS…. i get killer cramps and back pain ( oh the joy … ) but no mood changes…


Kelloggsville August 10, 2011 at 7:19 am

I hate it when I am like this and then the other person turns out to be right. There is no way I am going to admit it or apologise, I'll argue the point to the death even if I know I'm wrong because I have PMS…ahh no sorry, I'm wrong, I'm always like that LOL


Stinky August 10, 2011 at 5:42 am

Congratulations on making me more-than-lol at 7.30 in the morning. Hilarious


Kerry August 10, 2011 at 2:39 am

Hahahaha, awesome. I personally don't have this problem, but know plenty of women who do, and this sounds pretty accurate! =)


Shellye August 10, 2011 at 2:23 am

OMG, that was the best description of PMS EVER!! (The pics were hilarious too!)


Tone-in-Oz August 10, 2011 at 12:49 am

yep. let it out! men! great post, sympathise, and keep it up. hv u tried watching craig ferguson yet?better than the cookin fkn pom


Steph(anie) August 10, 2011 at 12:39 am

I've been known to call my husband the stupidest man on earth. Not to his face or anything, just to my friends.


angiedouglas99 August 9, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Nice work. I like the swearing. In fact I'm going in for a second read straight away now. Thanku.


Crystal Cheverie August 10, 2011 at 7:27 am

Hee hee hee! Thanks for the laugh, Lori. "I tell you, they are different…fucking…dogs, that woman is a fucking…dog…walker…" Awesome line!!!


Donna August 9, 2011 at 9:27 pm

You are one funny chick! Loved this, you nailed it x


Melissa August 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Oh Lori – I'm SO glad you posted this, it is absolutely HILARIOUS!! And unbelievably accurate. Thanks for the laugh :) :) :)


Jasmine August 9, 2011 at 8:51 pm

That is so me right now. All of it. Just sent my husband out for wine and chocolate, because clearly that is all he's good for.

Personally, I love this post. Humanity in all its *ahem* glory. Being able to lash out at someone and have them still be there tomorrow, that's love.


Aileen August 9, 2011 at 8:44 pm

haha love it! I am exactly the same when I have PMS and mine tends to last for about 2 weeks! Mike (my hubby) just needs to breathe a bit to loud and I will chop his f*cking head of!

I can understand why you were loathe to reprint this but don't worry about it! As much as we love the men in our lives, sometimes they are f*cking idiots and it doesnt mean we love them any less.

Hope you are feeling ok xxx


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow August 9, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Just remember that PMS is only one letter away from PMSL :P

PMS is a new thing for me. Never ever had it before. Now? Fucking watch out.


Miss Pink August 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

So…what if someone doesn't get periods and is like that every.single.f*cking.day.
Does that make me a plain old haggy bitch?


Previous post:

Next post: