I’m so afraid of people dying.
Every one is, I guess.
Every parent’s worst nightmare is losing their kids.
But now I entertain the thought, where for so long I haven’t. And it cripples me.
It’s not just the thought of losing my kids. It’s the cold, pristine terror that comes with the thought of losing my Amazing Man. It’s so difficult to trust what we have between us, and not because of him.
Because I don’t trust the Universe. I want to believe that he could never possibly die. I want to believe that there’s some guarantee that I will never suddenly be without the people I love.
I can’t believe that. Simply because I know it’s not the truth. The random element of everything, the fact that really bad things happen to really good people all the time… that scares the sh*t out of me.
I keep writing and rewriting this post. Re-reading my words and deleting whole chunks of them because they are not quite right. I attempt to justify this to myself- why I’m so afraid of death now. Why it’s become so unpleasant and debilitating the last few months, when it’s always been there.
It takes me quite a few rewrites to get it, to find what I’m looking for by writing all of this out.
I’m afraid of losing people- isn’t every one?
But I’m more afraid of not being able to handle losing someone. Of cracking at the pressure points and becoming little more than a gloop of a person, with all the things that hold me in shape- all the things that make me who I am- falling away and skewing.
Which is ridiculous, really. Because if I know nothing else, I should know that I’m more than the sum of what holds me together. And if I have to rebuild, I will. I can.
Besides… what’s the point of having awesome people around if you can’t love them completely?
What’s the point of loving people at all, if you allow fear to colour everything you feel for them?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
This is the thing that scares me most about being a mother, I’m terrified of losing my kids. My husband has cancer and that is hard but it’s not crippling like I imagine it would be if it was a child of mine. And it’s a totally selfish feeling on my behalf, it’s me I’m worried about really, and my ability to go on without them. I hate being that vulnerable! I try not to think about it, push the thoughts away when they come.
I am going through some similar feelings. It’s hard. I’m so proud of you for still trying x
It’s the PSTD…the seeming inability to unclench.
But recently, I have had a few very specific, very unusual things happen (they were good…very good things) that have made me realize that my anxiety and my fear have had ZERO effect on the outcome of things.
All they accomplished was wrinkles and a sore jaw from clenching my teeth.
You just need a few more good things to prove you wrong about anticipating something bad.
Marianne recently posted…Stone soup
I used to have this fear too. My parents died suddenly when i was young. I comfort myself with the logic that the universe is done with me. My bad shit has happened and now I deserve the charmed life. 20 years on – so far so good.
I get this fear so much – and not even because I have any experience with deep loss, but maybe because I haven’t? I don’t know. I think the concern comes if you stop yourself from loving because you are afraid of losing people.
Fuck fear, man. Me, you, so many people I know, we are all just consumed by it. I’ve heard that people don’t live their lives afraid of everything. Who are these magical creatures? How do they reach that state of grace? Jerks. Lucky jerks.
Wish I had any answers, but like always – there’s just more questions.
(And don’t get me started on the ‘it happens for a reason’ crowd. That’s such shit. Things happen for entirely no reason and it’s awful. I guess what would be more awful was if they DID happen for a reason… what kind of fucked up reasons would make people suffer so much?)
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…The Draw of the Hometown
Ah, yes, you’ve touched on something there that drives me crazy. “It happens for a reason.” I saw a friend post on facebook after some natural disaster that “God willed it to happen so we would all learn to work together” – and I thought, the fact that I’m not religious aside, WHY would you want to believe in a being that murders others for a pre-school lesson like “sharing”. I just can’t deal with that view on things.
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