I hate myself and I want to die. No, that’s wrong. Kind of.
I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to feel like this any more.
Self loathing is most soul-destroying part of depression. Feeling flat is one thing. Despising yourself is another.
Hating yourself is a slippery thing. It rolls over and over itself, gaining momentum and thunder as it does.
I look in the mirror and I don’t like who I see. She makes me angry, this stupid, hopeless, lazy woman who is getting old quickly and can’t be satisfied with anything. She’s unappreciative, and not quite good enough, and sad.
Those are the thoughts run in my mind while I look at myself. Somewhere inside, someone- that five year old who lives in my head, maybe- is sobbing at me to stop, stop being so cruel, be kind to myself.
Once you start feeling that way about yourself, it’s difficult to keep up with it. Your thoughts run away with themselves. They drip like lurid green poison into your soul, tainting everything. They stick and they stain, and it takes a long time to rid yourself of them, once they start piling up.
I look in the mirror… and I don’t like who I see.
***
But hey… I’ve managed to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on make up every morning for six days in a row now.
So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice. And I’ve had a good weekend. I found myself a new psychologist here and things are starting to feel… better.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Gorgeous, gorgeous Lori. I don’t like that you feel this way. Depression is soul destroying isn’t it? How do you get out of the funk? You’re doing well by getting up each day and looking after yourself. I hope you had a great Christmas and praying that this year will be a positive one for your health and mind. x
Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted…Driving Safely
Thanks so much for the comments on this one everyone xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…I Hate Grocery Shopping.
I read a line on a blog recently that truly reflected what I feel at times – you don’t want to die, you just want to not be.
I get that. Depressions sucks – sucks you right down into a vortex of self-loathing and abusive thoughts.
I do hope the psych helps – best thing that ever happened to me was a guy who taught me some excellent techniques (and drugs – when the spiral has you in its grips, drugs do help to loosen the hold – there should be NO stigma to getting pharmaceutical assistance)
jeanie recently posted…Food Bleurghing
Oh my…. you have nailed the self-loathing brain perfectly. I finally got myself on meds. Doesn’t mean I don’t “self-loathe” it just means I don’t loathe my self-loathing self…
((((hugs)))) you are beautiful.
Well I think you are wonderful – quirky , fun , daring and a wonderful loving Mum . That’s the Lori I saw on our trip to Borneo …and one day you will see this too ..Em x
Sounds like you’ve been in my head. It’s so hard to stop once you start.
I hope the new psychologist is helpful. I’ve started seeing a new one a few weeks and so far he’s been really good. Also, a man, and I never see men. But so far, so good.
Good luck!
Dorothy recently posted…There is a change coming
Honestly Lori, I have those feelings too and I don’t suffer from depression. Maybe it’s just a human thing? Or a woman thing? I can understand that depression would make it harder to keep going. I find it hard sometimes too, but I try to find joy in the little things.
I hope you can start to feel better soon. XXXX
I can relate, too. And what can make it harder is knowing that this internal dialogue isn’t really isn’t true – well, it wouldn’t be true if you / one was not making it true (i.e. for me, I know I can become boring, and someone to avoid if I focus too much on the fact that I am boring and someone to avoid – self fulfilling, which is somehow worse. No one to blame but myself). But the great thing is, as you have said, that this internal dialogue can change, with help, and with the same kindness to yourself that you bestow on others (as you do – your blog and the comments you receive show this, and hopefully are a great source of validation when you doubt yourself). Take care.
It’s a really hard road at times. I can relate to what you’ve shared here a lot myself. I hope that things do improve for you and there’s more joy and self acceptance down the track. I have written about my own struggles with self loathing, and some of things I find increase or decrease it. Perhaps something may be food for thought? http://skreece.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/i-hate-myself/
Sarah K Reece recently posted…Fear of the dark
Oh, Lori, I’m so sad you feel like this.
Being depressed is so fucking useless. I’ve been battling through it myself recently after my ‘big health thing’, but finally feel like I’m coming back up. I had to just wait it out, endure it for the duration. I knew that once my body healed and my hormones went back to normal, everything was going to be okay.
Fuck the whole self-hatred blergh. I get it too: the desire to punish myself for all the awful things I do and say and am. Marks to show myself that I know, see look, I’ve paid. Here’s a reminder so I’ll never forget how terrible I am. But that isn’t real, they are just momentary feelings and I know I wont feel like that forever.
I just know that things will get better for you soon. Just look at you, doing all the right stuff. Brushing teeth and hair and doing real clothes. Those are big steps! I hope things go well with the new Shrinky Shrink. In the meantime, treat yourself real nice. Treat yourself like you would treat someone else, someone you cared about, who was going through the same thing. You know you’d have all the compassion in the world for them. Have it for yourself too.
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…What’s the worst they can say?
Unfortunately I can relate to this a lot. It is incredibly hard to change the internal dialogue when you dont like what you see in the mirror.
Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted…Dealing with post natal depression
Lori I am so so sorry you are feeling this way. You seem to be angry at yourself for being x y and z and despairing of these thoughts. But where is the evidence that you are those things? And what about the evidence that shows all the excellent things you are. Could you allow some doubt in to ventilate those accusatory and hateful thoughts. Maybe? Yes practising kindness on yourself is a wonderful thing but if that’s not possible right now could you just get the evidence down on paper and test it with a friend/loved one. I’m not talking positive thinking but a plain old question – in what way is statement x y or z true and in what way isn’t it true? Even just thinking about the ways in which you are not x y or z might interrupt the negative wiring, might slow the looping right down. If you can – but if you can’t that’s ok.
But you’re not doing anything wrong Lori even in feeling what ur feeling right now. I think each time you go thru this you learn something, something that will help for the next time.
Thinking of you
Pene