I read this post on Eden’s blog…
Once. Only once. I’m not sure I can read it again. It’s everything I’m afraid of, written down and real and happening to someone else’s family right now.
All I can think of is my boy. My sweet, precious, innocent, serious little boy. My son, and all that’s ahead of him.
We’re in a somewhat ‘pleasant’ lull of life right now, in comparison to what has been and what will be. Chop hasn’t asked the question, not yet, of how daddy died. He will. But I’m in no hurry to begin explaining, to begin building foundations and framework for what he will eventually need to understand.
I mourn for Eden’s brother, her Cam. I mourn for her and her sisters and this shitty reality they’ve had to face. Again and again and again.
It doesn’t end. It’s just taking your pain and transferring it on. It’s a chemical reaction, and the catalyst is a rope. A running car.
It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t stop, it doesn’t stop. The actions of one person who’s not here to see the repercussions just flow on and on.
It keeps hurting, even after you’re gone.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I have been thinking of you a lot since reading the posts from Eden. Just devastating.
Carly Findlay recently posted…Conversations with creatives – M’agapi
Musing on your post for a different reason, you’ve sure got me thinking. I am afraid for my son (15) and his potential for a different kind of death, a slow death that drags everyone down just as much as a fast death (I mean that with the greatest sensitivity, but clumsy words can’t always demonstrate the tone and emotion that I’m feeling, right?) His father is an alcoholic as was his father before him (and probably generations going back) and I’m doing everything EVERYTHING within my power to break the cycle. If 50% of my son is me, let it be enough to allow him to stay strong and not fall in to the same addiction. While we all live together as a “family” (a mistake, I believe) he sees very little of his father who is most often out drinking… who with, I’m not sure. Probably on his own. So we have all learned to make ourselves smaller almost invisible when he comes home late, drunk. He’s not violent, just a sad, soggy, foolish ASS of a drunk. He doesn’t see the problem and won’t get help.
What can I do to keep my son from repeating this life? I’ve worked so hard to make it not so, giving him honesty, trust, faith, real discussion and pathways in his life where he sees that different people (fathers) don’t always act like this. Being 15, I feel like the longer I can help him put off the drinking behaviour – typical high school experimentation stuff – the more mature and better equipped he will be to manage it. But what about 20 years from now, when he has a family, maybe a mortgage and a high pressure job? Will it be his escape, his out? Will he torment and abandon his son in the same way for want of a better role model? I also have two girls but for a variety of reason I don’t feel that they are at the same risk as Mr 15.
So, (sorry for the brain dump here) I think I understand that you want, more than anything, to find the way to help your lovely boy avoid the same … I think genetics has a part to play, but I believe that we can influence, model, and can help our sons find a better way. Never stop talking, express your fears and hopes, get help. I’m cautiously … very… optimistic that I’m showing him a better way. But ask me again in 20 years.
Dear FunMumX3
I feel for you, and especially because I’m talking from the other side of the fence. I am an alcoholic, just over 19 months in sober recovery. It took me a very, very long time to finally stop drinking after many unsuccessful attempts by myself. I put my family through hell and still cringe when I think of what I have done to them and realise that much of that damage can never be undone. But, the past remains the past and if we’re willing we can learn from it and try to move on with a better way of living.
If you want, I can discuss my personal journey with you another time. But this is about your life, your beautiful children and the future ahead for your shining boy. I believe that you will be able to get some very good support and help by getting in touch with your local Al-Anon group. These are family members of alcoholics, who have gone through what you describe with your husband and often still are, but are learning strategies to help heal their own lives and that of their families.
Let me wish you love and hope.
Ever since I heard about Cam, my mind has wandered to you. It must be frightening to have to read Eden going through what you had to (and still do) endure. Sending hugs your way.
K x
So true
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot recently posted…Game Walk in Magical Mana Pools, Zimbabwe
Just utterly tragic. No words.
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