Sometimes I feel like I’m living the fractured splinter, the shard that cracked off a larger, better life when things went insane that hot afternoon.
It’s as if there’s another Lori walking around, parallel to me. I can see her, sometimes, a transparent ghost of woman…. she’s happy. Smiling. She looks tired, she thinks she has it rough sometimes… she’s ignorant.
But she has two children with her, and, about now, her belly might be starting to swell with a third. She might still live in the Purple House… maybe she’s moved somewhere else by now, somewhere in the same friendly, manicured suburb but a house with more bedrooms, a bigger yard…
She still has a dog, just the one cat. She’s probably got her daughter the bird her daddy promised her, and her son his fish. They’re different too- her son happier, not so angry, more secure in himself, not so craving of male company; her daughter less serious and observant, both less attuned to the emotions of others.
This other Lori, she doesn’t know herself as well as I do. She has anxiety attacks too, but it’s because she’s afraid of how she will cope when, inevitably, she loses someone she loves. Blissful ignorance- she trusts people, she believes that the world is good and everything will be OK. She’s preparing her oldest child for school next year, going to playgroup, swimming lessons….. being normal. She follows me around unintentionally on days that should be happy, days I’m trying to focus and connect with my children; innocently, simply living her life, laughing and frenzied and so blissfully unaware of this side of life.
Her husband, he’s with her. They argue and nothing’s perfect… but he’s there.
“An eternal optimist who trusts no one…? How does that work?”
My default setting is trust… I inherently believe that people are good.
I am proved wrong, over and over and over.
It’s difficult to learn not to trust… It’s never something I wanted to do. But it’s so necessary…. every time I trust someone, show them how I ache and bleed, they hurt me.
The rose, Tony’s rose… it died.
Where it was filled, covered with tiny green leaves and new shoots… a week or two later it was nothing but an ugly stick, default of life or greenery. I try to revive it, and I fail.
I’m not even surprised.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
She is stunned to learn from James' secretary that he is married. Upset, she disappears. Bi-fold doors Melbourne
Wise Woman once told me I was too involved in ther's lives. I gave too much of my heart and trust and thus invariably ended up battered, bruised and betrayed.
For a while I actually agreed with her. Tighten up, lessen impact of those with no honour.
But then I realised I was not truly living, but sheltering in fear. And so I put myself out there once more.
And let the sunlight in to mingle and leave shadows. But at least it was there for some of my life.
Trust in yourself my friend. The betrayals are of themselves, not you. xx
Oh Lori, I hear you…
Bet it feels like that other Lori is even mocking you some days. B!tch.
In my experience the other you fades into the background more & more (slowly) as more time passes…
I'm hopeful that eventually the glimpses of her will be far less frequent and less heartbreaking.
Big hugs, to both the Lori's…
Susan xx
The first part of your post reminds me of a movie I recently saw called "Another Earth". I think you would enjoy it.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1549572/
I am so sorry that you get hurt! But I still believe that we are all good, and that we do not do it intentionally to hurt somebody else – only out of self-preservation etc.
The trust stuff you wrote, it's like you took it from my head. I want to trust, I want people I can trust and who will love me warts and all. They will see me make mistakes or be imperfect and you know what? They won't care. They will love so much about me that that stuff doesn't matter and they will stay loyal and honest to me.
My head is in the clouds right?
People who can mean exactly what they say to me, and not go and backstab me? Yah. I'm dreeeeeeeaaammmin'.
Lori, it may sometimes feel like everyone is backstabbing you or letting you down, but not everyone is. There will be new people around the corner who are exactly what you need in the moment, even if they're not long term friends.
Plus, you've got my number and pretty sure you owe me a few visits. Even if it's to whinge. I'm good at the whinging
I'm sorry about the rose, Lori
Your writing, Lori, it just blows me away, each and every time.
I don't even know what to say, so I'll just say this: I'm listening.
xo
I'm so sorry to hear about the rose. Hopefully it's just hibernating for winter. xx
The rose might come back, mine have lost there leaves for winter nothing but ugly sticks a reminder of the beauty that was there a few short weeks ago, but they are reborn in spring to remind us there is always hope.
Xx
Dear Lori, another heart wrenching post….keep strong girl. Sometimes the moments when you’re most cracked is when the light streams in…
Yesterday you were strong and proud but you can’t stay long in that place when your heart is still broken and the daily grind and demands of single parenting and providing the next meal and keeping the car running, and, and, and…
I hear your torment as you cope with overwhelming feelings of grief and loss (specifically loss of trust) When you are person of deep integrity this is one of the challenges life presents us with, the daily ongoing struggle of balancing vulnerability and openness with the potential to be exploited. All I can gently suggest, because it seems inappropriate to rave on at length here, that as an older woman who had her own particular struggles – and the one about balancing trust and protecting yourself is very familiar to me! – in life you will make mistakes and be hurt and sometimes you will make right decisions and become stronger. Resilience is the key and it comes from developing the things that make you stronger. Two things I know you do exceedingly well are writing (which gives you the meditative skills of focussing and breathing) and networking. I get the impression you are also a great Mum and a budding social activist. When times are tough try to spend as much time as you can doing the things that sustain you.
No body expects the Spanish Inquisition. But know that splinterd Lori has thoughts an prayers consistantly coming her way from the States (Colorado to be exact).
~Jill