Still…no….internet. Dear God. It’s been six days already. Not sure how much longer I can take this.
All kinds of triggering. Discussing suicide, method and all that jazz. Consider yourself warned.
In my head, that long piece of orange rope (eight foot? Nine…?); it’s a snake.
It sat, coiled in the darkness of my garage for months. Unseen. But watching.
I know that sounds insane. Maybe it is. But I can’t drive that image from my head. A thin orange snake, coiled in the darkness, in a box or the back of a shelf. Harmless. Just a goddamn piece of rope.
But playing on whatever darkness was in Tony’s mind to start with.
Someone who has known Tony his entire life told me that he was always fashioning ropes into the noose knot, whenever they were in his hands; for something to do. That might sound odd, but knowing him as did, it doesn’t seem odd to me. His hands were always busy doing something, making and moving and sorting and fidgeting.
Did I never see him tie a rope into a noose knot, or did I just never notice?
My mum tells me that my step father saw that orange rope, with a noose tied in it in our shed months before This Happened. He mentioned it to Tony, who shrugged it off… and they assumed it was something for the car he was working on. I would have thought the same.
Did I not ever see that snake coiled in my garage… or did I just never notice?
Charlie the shrink suggested buying a length of orange rope, tieing it just so, then just leaving it sit there. Desensitising myself to it. Proving that a rope is not a snake. It has no control over one’s thoughts. It cannot get into a person’s head and eat away at the decay in a big dark hole, exposing the raw flesh underneath.
As we know, access to method and means is prime risk factor for suicide. But it’s not the only risk factor. It’s not the thing that makes you take your life, right?
It’s not rope that does that.
The jury’s still out on the “Do I go to Bunnings and buy a big-fuck-off rope?” issue. I’ll keep you posted.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Mmmm Lori – so many thoughts going through my head, so many questions for you to pose to yourself about this, so many good suggestions by those who know you better than I do. I'm thinking "Do you need to desensitise just yet", "Can you settle in a bit longer & feel more familiar in your surroundings?", "Are your support network close at hand if you need them"? "Can you look at the colour orange (forget about the rope)"? "Can you look at a piece of thread"?. Mmmm…. yes, there a lot of questions to think about before considering a rope. Time, my dear, give yourself a bit more time. (X)
I'm sure your therapist knows more than I do, but I don't think I could desensitize myself to a rope like that. I don't think I'd want to leave a rope with a noose tied in it laying around for my children to find. Not that I have kids, just thinking, and knowing I don't know what's best. Praying for your healing.
I'm not gonna lie, sweetheart. The idea of you having a long piece of rope in your home at this point terrifies me. Utterly leaves me cold.
I can understand what he's saying, about desensitising. But as someone who has more than once contemplated suicide…it feels like tempting fate (not that I'm a believer in fate, but the expression fits).
Love to you.
Glow, as always, is right on the money I think. Baby steps & if you feel like you can't do it yet. Don't.
Hoping the internet gods shine down on you & you're back online very soon xx
it's strange sometimes what the mind chooses to hold onto, that serve as reminders of pain. Do what you feel is right – and I agree with glowless, take baby steps. Confronting the rope is hard and you can take it slow. go gently, lori. thinking of you. xxxx
No, it most certainly isn't the thing that makes you take your life.
I say buy the damn rope, bring it home, and cut the entire length of it into 4-inch pieces. Leave them all in a pile to look at. You are STRONG, stronger than you ever thought possible, and this would be a visual reminder of your power to live.
I don't think I could take the rope home with me. I could see myself buying a rope and then taking it to the beach and burning the bloody thing but I'm not sure I would want to take all the feeling home with me again. only you will know what may or may not come from it, so many mountains you keep having to climb. XXX
In thinking NO on the rope. That would just serve as a BAD reminder of what you are alreay reminded of each day already. Why poke the bear? And I also hope that you are not feeling horribly bad, if you are, you know where to go! And if you are not on some meds, I think it may be a good idea to try.
I cannot live without them.
xoxo, Lisa
Glowless took the words out of my mouth.
It holds no power on it's own, the thoughts, ideas need to be there first. It is just the weapon, you make it do what you want, good or bad.
If it were me? I wouldn't go the whole hog. I think it would be too…easy for me to want to use it the same way Tony did. But that is me, and I am not you, and I do not know where you are at and what is going on in your head.
*hugs*
I think this time Charlie's idea is not so sound. But if you feel you must follow instructions, use something much smaller than a rope. Still orange, but maybe a short length of wool or cotton thread, something that can't possibly harm you.
I'm with Lyndal – are you okay Lori? Please call someone you can reach out too if you are feeling the dark thoughts. Sending you love xxx
I had a visceral reaction reading that suggestion just based on how you feel about the rope, not surprised the jury is out! Best wishes while you decide how to tame the snake.
What about instead of doing it on your own, could you try it with your therapist in the office?
You always leave me speechless with how you express yourself in your writing. And I never know what to say. Except that I think of you often.
You always leave me speechless with how you express yourself in your writing. And I never know what to say. Except that I think of you often.
You're right. A rope doesn't lead to suicidal ideation. It has no power… unless we let it have power.
How about baby steps of desensitization?
You don't have to go the whole hog straight away. Go to bunnings and just look at the rope, then leave. When you can do that without having a panic attack, buy it.
Then just let it sit there. When you can look at it without freaking out you can tie it just so etc and realize the power is with you and all you have done to SPEAK.
Baby steps, lovely, baby steps. xxx
Lori, are you thinking these suicidal thoughts ? ?
Call for help, lady, where are your people ?
I hope I misread something…. (Lynda@LMI.net)
That's a big one. Do you think it will help you?
My view is you have faced the worst, so the damn rope can't hurt you anymore.
xxx
(((HUGS)))
You will defeat the rope, Lori. Just give it time.
I so get what you're talking about. Fucking stupid rope. Plastic piece of shit.