“Some nights I stay up, cashing in my bad luck.
Some nights I call it a draw.”
Some Nights, Fun.
***
Some days it’s all shit, no matter how happy I am, and I hate my past and the way it just will not let me go. How long do you have with PTSD, before it goes away?
It eases. I know I’m far more ‘normal‘ now than I have been in the past. But it’s still here, bleeding into the edges of things.
Raised voices distress me, always. Male voices raised in aggression leave me a quivering, volatile mess. I’m eternally grateful that The Most Amazing Man does not yell, ever, because I’m not sure I could handle it if he did.
Disagreements are an inevitable part of life, I think, no matter how calm and loving a relationship may be. But any kind of disagreement sets me on edge. I shrivel with anxiety inside and my heart thumps to a rhythm of “This is all my fault, all my fault, all my fault”, even when it’s not, even when it’s nobody’s fault, and just one of those things that happen, occasionally, even when you’re being very, very careful not to let it.
And sometimes I see things, from the corner of my mind’s eye. Things that I know aren’t real, but make me shudder violently none the less.
Still on edge from a disagreement, I walk past the laundry in The New House, and in my mind I see my worst nightmare. It’s just for a second, just for an irrational flash of time. I see The Most Amazing Man suspended from the ceiling, a rope around his neck. His posture crumpled in that odd way that nobody’s ever should be.
It’s not real, it’s not real, its not real. God willing, it’s not something I will ever see again for real.
But it’s so much ingrained in me. There’s a sinking suspicion, the tiniest thought, every time I argue with anyone. It comes to me unbidden, for the space of seconds– maybe they are dead. Maybe I will open this door and find them hanging there and my insides will be ripped apart and the horror, the awful awful horror in that.
There’s not much for it, except to ignore and remind myself not to internalise it. It’s part of me, not all of me, and it will only get better with time, with trust, with the this new sense of self and happiness that I think I’ve found.
I need to find myself a new shrink. Stat.
It disturbs me, how much it this has burned itself into me. How I can’t quite leave it behind. It hurts to see how much of an effect that couple of seconds have had on the rest of my life.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Lori, when they say it eases with time, they never say how much time do they?
It’s better than it used to be, and it’ll keep getting better.
One day you’ll realise that you trust that it won’t happen again and it’ll just sneak up on you.
You’re amazing. Every day, you are amazing. xxx
Hon, your PTSD will eventually ebb. And your memories won’t be *so* sharp and jagged. Time will do that – a lot of time.
In the meantime, you are doing the very best you can and that’s enough. XXXX
I wonder if you have what I do, and that’s difficulty with conflict? I think it came from my late Dad, a sensitive and gentle intellectual, who was too soft for the harsh realities of the world, and would shush all of us at dinner, if ever he thought the tone of the discussion was getting just a little warm. I grew up with a terrible inability to approach conflict, and either respond by being emotionally aggressive or else by an inner panic. I consciously try to approach disagreements with preventive strategies in place, but that often fails.
I suspect it’s very hard to overcome long-established habits and ways.
How was conflict in your world handled, when your emotions were at their formative stage?
Oh Lori – I don’t even have the words to express how sorry I am this pain is still with you.
Reading about it helps remind me that no matter how depressed I get with my Bipolar 2, I will fight to never do this to my husband and kids.
I hope you can get some help down in Melbourne soon xx
Michelle Holland recently posted…Anxiety and the Need to Pee
Sweetheart that will never happen to you again, and I am so so sorry my son did this to you but you are becoming a very strong person and you are happy now so when you see that vision in your mind just shake your head and keep on walking singing or humming..
Remember me telling you way back then you will be happy one day again well I am tell you that will never every happen to you ever again.
Love you
Agree with you – really important. Does your doctor in NSW have recommendations / contacts? (might be good to have someone similar) – best wishes as you find the right one!
Oh hun
*hugs*
Miss Pink recently posted…Dust Yourself Off
I don’t think PTSD ever completely goes away. I’ve had it for 13 years now, and while the ‘symptons’ might appear to wane at times, it sometimes only takes something small to set it off again. It’s how you learn to react to a situation, and how you treat yourself that seems to have the biggest effect on the symptoms of PTSD, and yes – find yourself a good shrink STAT!
Whoa.
That is heavy. I CAN’T FUCKING IMAGINE what it would be like to feel that, to fear that, to see it when it isn’t there. Isn’t it fucked that having insight into it doesn’t stop it from happening? I hope you find a good shrink close by soon. You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
Whoa, Molly recently posted…Chernobleh