“Some nights I stay up, cashing in my bad luck.
Some nights I call it a draw.”
Some Nights, Fun.
It eases. I know I’m far more ‘normal‘ now than I have been in the past. But it’s still here, bleeding into the edges of things.
Raised voices distress me, always. Male voices raised in aggression leave me a quivering, volatile mess. I’m eternally grateful that The Most Amazing Man does not yell, ever, because I’m not sure I could handle it if he did.
Disagreements are an inevitable part of life, I think, no matter how calm and loving a relationship may be. But any kind of disagreement sets me on edge. I shrivel with anxiety inside and my heart thumps to a rhythm of “This is all my fault, all my fault, all my fault”, even when it’s not, even when it’s nobody’s fault, and just one of those things that happen, occasionally, even when you’re being very, very careful not to let it.
And sometimes I see things, from the corner of my mind’s eye. Things that I know aren’t real, but make me shudder violently none the less.
Still on edge from a disagreement, I walk past the laundry in The New House, and in my mind I see my worst nightmare. It’s just for a second, just for an irrational flash of time. I see The Most Amazing Man suspended from the ceiling, a rope around his neck. His posture crumpled in that odd way that nobody’s ever should be.
It’s not real, it’s not real, its not real. God willing, it’s not something I will ever see again for real.
But it’s so much ingrained in me. There’s a sinking suspicion, the tiniest thought, every time I argue with anyone. It comes to me unbidden, for the space of seconds– maybe they are dead. Maybe I will open this door and find them hanging there and my insides will be ripped apart and the horror, the awful awful horror in that.
There’s not much for it, except to ignore and remind myself not to internalise it. It’s part of me, not all of me, and it will only get better with time, with trust, with the this new sense of self and happiness that I think I’ve found.
I need to find myself a new shrink. Stat.
It disturbs me, how much it this has burned itself into me. How I can’t quite leave it behind. It hurts to see how much of an effect that couple of seconds have had on the rest of my life.