Soul Cancer.

by Lori Dwyer on June 5, 2011 · 56 comments

Update: Sadly, due to time constraints and one very sick babysitter (I know you would have done it anyway, Kitten, but you were green), I had to cancel on the filming of Insight last night. Altogether now- Awwwwww. Sorry to dissapoint….

Hey jellybeans,

My Aussie readers will be able to catch me on TV this Tuesday night- SBS, 7:30pm, on Insight. They are having a debate on suicide- the reporting of suicide in the media, the education and resources that are offered. (Yep- part of me, terrified. Other part of me says “Meh, how hard can it be,after this…?”)

Obviously, we know what my spin is going to be. Speak. Talk, and talk, and talk, until the silence evaporates and the shame starts to go away.

For those of you not in the know, the law in Australia prevents suicide from being reported in the media. That was one argument thrown at me for why I should not be writing so graphically about what happened with Tony.

A year or so again, there was a situation where a man committed suicide by throwing himself off the top floor of one of Sydney’s largest, busiest shopping centres. It was reported in the media as a malfunction with the escalator system, hence the closure of the centre. An American tourist leaked footage he had taken with his mobile phone onto YouTube, claiming some kind of conspiracy theory. No conspiracy theory, just the law.

I’m guessing the main reason behind this is a fear of copycat suicides, a phenomena that does exist and has been recorded. But, at that article shows, it’s not so much the fact that suicide is reported. It’s the way it’s done.

Conventional media likes to break things up into thirty seconds stories and quick sound bites. There generally isn’t time to show the devastation that suicide leaves behind,the graphic ugliness of it… it’s glossed over, reported, forgotten about.

I struggled with that, a little bit, when I first wrote that Ugly post, months ago now. But really, when we look at it- there was nothing nice about that post. There was nothing nice about the journey Tony took towards death, the four days he spent in intensive care. I don’t worry about people copying what my husband did. Because this is real, every bit of it. This blog shows the long, long trail that a suicide drags behind it. It doesn’t end with you.

Since Tony’s death, I’ve been inundated with emails and comments from people who have lost loved ones to suicide. The silence around it is deafening, and it’s only when you break that sound barrier that you start to hear how loud the problem is.

Two good friends of mine have lost parents to suicide. I never knew that, until Tony died. I knew they’d lost parents young, but I’d never heard how they’d died. If it had been cancer that had taken them, would it have been mentioned…? Quite probably. Someone’s mum dies of cancer, and we all wear pink and march in the sunshine to raise money for a cure.

Someone’s mum dies of suicide, and we speak of it in whispers. And parts of us thinks, how terrible she was to leave her children so young.

And there in, I think, lies part of the problem, another reason why we need to talk, to let the words rush out until this glass bubble bursts. I’ve heard how selfish Tony was, so many times. And God knows, I think that, too, and I’ve said it plenty. I can’t help with it, the emotional investment being what it is.

But, really, suicide is no more selfish that getting cancer or MS or freaking pneumonia is selfish. This is an illness. Let’s call it soul cancer.

And let’s speak about it, to remove the stigma. So maybe people will ask for help before it gets to the point where they are psychotic, or suicidal.

Men. Especially men. I’ve raved on about that before. Women, we talk in emotions and feeling and colours. Men speak gruffly in terms of ‘She’ll be right’, of honour, of doing the right thing even when it’s so, so wrong.

I worry sometimes about how graphic my description of Tony’s suicide is. Then I remind myself that this is the InterWebs. Type suicide into the front page of Google and you’ll come up with worst things that this. Type in ‘how to kill yourself’ and the information is there, in shocking detail, photos and all.

While this blog isn’t something I would want my kids reading at the ages of twelve or thirteen, I don’t worry too much about kids reading my blog, about putting this information out there. To start with, I don’t think “Random Ramblings of a Stay At Home Mum” is something that would appeal to a lot of kids.

And let’s be honest- there’s not a lot on the Net I would want my twelve or thirteen year old to see. Compared to what’s out there, this is tame.

Do you remember your concept of suicide, as a teenager…? I do. It was so bloody romantic. Because of this culture we have of not talking about suicide, except in cold whispers and not around the children, please; the only suicide I’d ever read about was Romeo and Juliet. What a grand freaking idea. We won’t discuss suicide with teenagers at all, but we will have them study the most romanticized fictional suicide there is.

So maybe, teenagers would benefit from about it too. Let’s tell the truth. There is nothing romantic about suicide. It’s ugly. Show them pictures of what you’ll really look like when someone finds you. tell them about the week you may spend semi conscious in the ICU, unable to tell your loved ones you’re sorry before you die.

Hell, make them all read this. Suicide, it’s not always an end to a problem. Sometimes it’s the beginning of a much bigger one.

And let’s tell them, tell everyone, about how quickly suicide can happen. About how you shouldn’t bluff, because you just may hit a nerve you never know you had.

About how a psychosis can skew your perspective of reality, your risk perception. About how, if you’re feeling that stressed and out of it, that depressed and anxious, there is no shame in asking for help.

Suicide contagion is real. A catch 22, hey? It is contagious. If we talk about it, it can spread.

But if we don’t talk about it, more people die. And it just spreads faster, and more silently.

Soul cancer.

Surely the spread of it is faster, more intense, by touch than by sound?

So… I guess that’s what I’ll be arguing tomorrow night. Hopefully not from an over emotional perspective.

Let’s remove the silence. But do it in a way that removes the romance as well.

Thousands of people die in this country from suicide every year. It’s the end result of an illness, but the stigma and shame behind it are terrifying.

Remove the romance. Remove the shame. Remove the stigma.


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{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }

Janelle August 2, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Everytime I hear on the news that someone died and death was recorded as "not suspicious" I yell at the TV. I find it devistating that even in death a person isn't heard, is silenced. This is Australia, doesn't feel like a free country when you can't even say suicide on the Media, who made that rule? Why is it legal? It seems go against democracy, too much censoring.


SaraMG June 13, 2011 at 10:07 pm

This is a beautifully written post, so poignant in so many parts. My husband's mother killed herself when her kids were 6 and 16. And mostly, the family has been quiet about it or tiptoeing around it, like it was dirty talk of an affair etc. My sister-in-law didn't find out how her mother died until she was 14, and of course then it was a big shock to her and marred deeply her teenage years. There has to be more talk about it, maybe not of suicides themselves, but definitely we need more openness about the aftermath


Frank June 10, 2011 at 5:21 am

This is very off-topic, however after reading Ugly a few weeks ago I just keep coming back now.
I was wondering what your take might be on article I read that talks about the depression many writers have struggled with and gave voice to.
Time and again you speak to your conviction that a conversation about this is therapeutic and keystone to recovery, for your sanity and maybe ours who now share this with you. If you suddenly dropped off, I for one would be worried. How do you think as a writer, the process of self examination could be used to evoke change in the law of silencing this issue in the media. I for one think it should be.


theKatieKitten June 8, 2011 at 5:28 am

Hey, I look great green around the gills!


Emma. June 7, 2011 at 11:37 pm

I watched it, not realising you weren't going to be on…but I think they did a good job, even without you there! Your presence would no doubt have increased how good it was, mind. ;-) But the overwhelming feeling I got from it is that people honestly believe the same as you – that it must be talked about, brought out into the open and the shame of suicide be removed. I watched it, nodding away, and feeling that you'd be happy with how it went.

I hope we all get to that more open place, much sooner than later. I think you can do much more good than you perhaps realise, Lori – you have such a drive and commitment to this that people listen and really take heed of what you say, because it comes from your painful, honest truth. If you feel like it's something you could run with, maybe see if you can get in touch with some of the people who were featured tonight? Just a suggestion – knowing that I believe and believe IN you. :-)



mishaps and mayhem of a gluten free life June 7, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Lori I watched the show and I'm sure alot more people did because of your blog. I didn't know that there was restrictions n censorship of suicide in the media! Suicide is something that needs to be talked about awareness needs to be raised both to prevent it and provide support for the families and friends who are the victims. Keep on talking, keep on sharing your story, I have no doubt it's unbelievably hard to do but you are helping so many people and you have lots of support to help you do this! Xxxx


Kristina Hughes June 7, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Wow Lori – what a brilliant piece of writing. I totally agree with all the sentiments. What's that saying?…"You're as sick as your secrets"…Isn't that the truth?

Hope you'll get another chance to share your knowledge at some point. I think you could change a lot of people's perceptions with your brilliant, wise and honest words.xxxx


Peter June 8, 2011 at 3:04 am


Thanks for this, which ‘pushed’ several buttons with me. The first was the mention of gruff men and ‘she’ll be right…’. The following is a quote from an e-mail from my brother, writing about my sister, two months after her son’s suicide ‘[she]…seems to be getting over it all now’. What was rather funny about this comment is that he sent it in reply to an e-mail I had sent out with my new personal e-mail address – so it had gone to lots of people. For some stupid reason he had replied and hit ‘reply all’ so a hundred or so people, from academic acquaintances, to close friends, witnessed the glibness of my brother and I received several e-mails from friends asking me if my brother had had an emotional bypass or something! Six weeks after the death of your only son, who had been found hanging (by your husband – three days after the deed), and you were going to be ‘all right’. Two years on and she’s still not all right and we as a family will never be all right.

My cousin died two days ago – she was almost 30 years older than me, tho’ we’re first cousins (my dad was one of 8 children spaced out over 20 years – and I am the youngest of all siblings and my cousins). Hence when my own mother had to have a big ‘woman’s troubles’ operations (as they were euphemistically known in England up until the 1970s) when I was still a baby, my cousin fostered me for several months until my mother was better. Since then there has always been a bond between us and we have spent a good deal of time together. She was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer three years ago and told me ‘I’ve been told they can cure it.’ For several years I was a palliative/cancer care social worker and my thought was ‘no they can’t – not at stage three’ but played along with the family game that she would recover. I had presumed I would be very upset when she died. But I was shocked that I wasn’t. She was 75, she had had enough of chemo and wigs and endless visits to hospital, she had refused further treatment – which I think is wise, there are worse things than death; and it just seemed it was ‘her time’. The last time I saw her was at my nephew’s funeral and strange at it seems I spent more time yesterday getting upset about my nephew (I’m crying now) because thinking about my cousin move that slab of emotional sound-proofing to one side and once again I could hear the scream of pain and anger that his suicide has left within.

Like you say, I’m sure at my cousin’s funeral there will be some collection for a cancer or hospice charity – I don’t think any of us are up to marathon running! And we will all talk without too much restraint on the day. If my sister is there, I know some will try and avoid her – having the stain of suicide on your life is the social equivalent of being the drunk girl at a party – people are nice to your face, but fight tooth and nail to avoid you!

One last thing, when I worked in cancer care we had a suicide at the hospital (in central London). A guy (high flying, City banker) was told he had HIV, and immediately walked out on to scaffolding around the building, then in the middle of renovation, and jumped six floors, impaling himself on scaffolding poles (we were in the offices opposite and althlo’ didn’t see the jump, we saw the mess). The next day the newspaper headline read: ‘City Banker in Tragic Accident.’ The double whammy of the suicide and HIV were just erased – so even tho’ there is no law in the UK on the reporting of suicides, there is still stigma!

Thanks again for this.



Hear Mum Roar June 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Good luck on the show. I won't be able to watch it as we currently have no reception, but if there ends up being a video somewhere on the net, I'd definitely love to watch that


Jewell June 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

Lori! This is a stunning, insightful, and wonderful post. Easily one of the best ones you've written since. You are an inspiration to me, and despite the fact that you might hate that I say that, you are, and I'm sure I'm not the only one!

Makes me wish I lived in Australia so that I could have seen you on TV.


Tat June 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Good on you for taking action Lori!


whiterabbit June 6, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Lori you are SO brave, I really hope this goes well for you. Speak your truth, for it deserves to be heard.


Kim H June 7, 2011 at 5:24 am

I'll be watching, Lori. Love everything you write and say. {hugs} to you xxx


River June 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I'll be watching and i hope this goes a long way to helping people speak up about depression, mental health and suicide.
Remember so many years ago whn divorce was the hush-hush topic? Then later it was abortion? People gradually spoke up more about these things. The same needs to happen here. People need to know somehow, that whatever they are feeling can be spoken about, brought into the open, so that help can be given. The trouble with mental illnesses though is that each person feels that they are "the only one". In their rational moments, they know this isn't so, but when they're in the grip of an episode, they feel so totally alone and that no-one will understand, they're in a black hole with no light to show the way out, that they're better off gone.
If they are able to talk about it more before the black hole stage, we could find ways to help.
Speaking up doesn't make anyone less of a man, doesn't make you a sissy. It makes you more aware of your own feelings and of those around you who are willing and able to help.


Sam-O June 6, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I have lost 2 cousins and an uncle to suicide and I am amazed by how hushed up it is even amoungst the family.

A friend of mine struggles with depression and recently she told me something I had not known the entire time I've known her (15 years). Her Mum died when she was 16 (I knew this) she was her youngest child of 4 and the only girl. She was told it had been a Christmas eve car accident and it wasn't until 10 years later, when she was 26 and being treated for depression herself, that she discovered from her family in an awful way (is there a good way?)that she had actually committed suicide.

What is with this silence even with in the family? Who do they think they are protecting?

You go Lori! Your perspective is truly needed in this discussion.



SunshineRach June 6, 2011 at 2:08 pm

hey sunshine- you have been my friend for 9 years and during that time we've been inseperable and then distant (through no fault of each others just been busy) but i have always thought of us hanging out and laughed and i have always and perhaps secretly admired you the strong woman that everyone now sees is the one I have seen all along.

I am so proud of your voice in this fight against a usually silent killer, so proud of your writing and so proud that I get to say I know you.

Like chemo treats cancer lets hope words treat suicide.

Love Love xxx


Suzy June 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I love your description of soul cancer. The perfect description.

We have lost two friends to suicide in the last year, 4 months apart. Silence is deadly.

Speak out – I'll be tuning in to watch :)


Watershedd June 6, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Excellent post, Lori. What sometimes people miss or don't think about is, what if they do not succeed in ending their lives? What if they are resuscitated and but left with deficits? Brain damaged, paralysed or some other living hell that their families must then be left to try to manage.

I'm amazed that you have the bravery to speak so publicly about your loss and pain, especially so soon. Good luck tomorrow. You'll be fine. We'll all be watching.

Still wishing peace from me and my GOFA.


Miss Pink June 6, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I will be watching. Remember to smile!
What you're saying is so very very right. You don't even need to say how the person killed themselves, just that they did. You never hear about it so you assume it's not happening, and people need to see how messy this is, the "after", and that yeah they will be missed, that a life so small as their own leaves a giant gaping hole.


PinkPegasus June 6, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Very powerful. Very true. People need to know it does not end a problem, it does not end there. It is the beginning of something devastating. When you're in that dark place it can seem like a way out, a solution, yet the finality of it is brushed aside. In that moment. People need to talk, to understand, to see there is nothing 'right' or romantic about suicide. It is ugly and violent and destructive.

I think the lack of reporting heightens the feeling of shame for those left behind. It needs to be acknowledged, for it to be said, 'this happens, and it needs to be talked about.'. It shouldn't be treated as a 'dirty little secret'.


Hope’s Mama June 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

I agree with absolutely everything you say and will be tuning in for sure.
On a similar note, I have said the same thing about how stillbirth is so taboo (that's how my daughter died, a week past her due date almost three years ago). We don't talk about it, yet we can smother ourselves in pink for breast cancer, and there are as many stillborn babies are there are breast cancer victims each year. Saying that it is "taboo" or "too scary" to talk about solves nothing. Not the same as your situation, but just drawing on the similarities.
I think your voice and story will add so much to the discussion tomorrow.
Well done.


Lirio Jaguar June 6, 2011 at 11:20 am

I lived next door to one of the girls who hung themselves together about 4 years ago. There was so much angst in the community and media because it got a lot of coverage. It was an ugly business, of course, trivialised by the media's inability to deal properly with the issues at hand. 60 Minutes tried…and failed, though did one of the better jobs. The funeral was surreal because of the way the suicide was skirted around…ya know, the VERY reason we were there for the funeral of a 16yo! Anyway, just my reflections. Thanks for yours xxx


Wanderlust June 6, 2011 at 10:58 am

So wish I could watch you on TV. Dammit. And so proud of you. xoxo


ruddygood June 6, 2011 at 10:54 am

Won't be at home, but I will be thinking of you and cheering you on, sweetheart.

Beautiful, powerful ideas and words, as ever. I know you will strike a chord there, just as you do here.

Lots of love. x


Donna June 6, 2011 at 10:49 am

So proud of you are your stance on this. Many people would not be fighting this good fight as you are! Use words as your weapons and make a dent in this sad battle.

Will of course be watching and cheering you on x


agothinthesun June 6, 2011 at 10:46 am

Good on you Lori,
I have set the hard drive up to record it.You are brave beyond words.


beingbree June 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

You are one helluva brave woman Lori! And an inspiration to all who read / hear you speak on this topic (and many others of course). What you are doing – opening up – letting the world know what they really ought to – from someone who knows – not the politics of it – not the romance – the real deal… you are doing a wondeful thing that many people probably wish they could do but just can't. Love and hugs from Melbourne xo


Sophie June 6, 2011 at 10:09 am

Will be watching and supporting and sharing. xx


Good Golly Miss Holly! June 6, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I'm setting record on the IQ now. You never fail to amaze me, Lori ♥


Corinne – Daze of My Life June 6, 2011 at 8:14 am

I will be watching.

I lost a friend to suicide last year. I read here a lot but don't comment as often as I should. I think a lot of it's because I'm still processing his death.

I believe in talking, talking, talking too. I think your story is so, so important, as suicide is seen as romantic. I think a lot of people, men especially, forget about the trail of destruction and devastation suicide brings.

I can still hear the words and the pain of my friend's wife at his funeral. They're burned in my soul. And I know that everyone who was at the funeral felt the same way.

These words are so important: "Remove the romance. Remove the shame. Remove the stigma. Speak."

Well done, Lori. xx


Car June 6, 2011 at 7:56 am

Will try and remember to tune in this week, Im sure you will do a brilliant job. Your words are powerful Lori.
Good luck!


LJB @ crankymonkeys in london June 6, 2011 at 5:39 am

Wow, this was so well written and so spot on.


Claire June 6, 2011 at 5:31 am

Such an important topic to have out in the open. I am sure you will do excellently, and will be cheering you on from over here as you work on your mission.



Lynda Halliger-Otvos June 6, 2011 at 2:52 am

Interesting that suicide is verboten in your press; I never knew that…

Lori, all the love shown you in the comments I say again with Boldface-you help others who struggle, you help society by refusing to go quietly away, you help me personally as I struggle with losing two sibs in short period. You amaze and fill me with wonder at your strength. Stay the course; we are all here for you.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow June 6, 2011 at 2:00 am

I will have my pom poms ready to cheer you on, Lori xxx


Crystal Cheverie June 6, 2011 at 11:35 am

Amen. You are just so right. We need to get people to be comfortable admitting that they are sick and need help before it gets to the stage where they're jumping off buildings or hanging themselves. You aren't the only suicide survivor I've known, and seeing the ugliness of its aftermath has really taught me just how important asking for help when you need it really is. Also, a big, fat HELL YES to de-romanticizing suicide. HUG!!!!


Tarsh June 6, 2011 at 10:57 am

Talk, talk and then keep talking some more! I hate the media silence, I hate the silence everywhere. I hate that talking about my mothers suicide makes others so bloody uncomfortable but we all wear pink ribbons to celebrate my aunty loosing her battle to breast cancer…where's the ribbon for my mum loosing her battle with mental illness!

I love your blog, I love your bravery and I love that you are helping to challenge the terrible silence.


Mary June 6, 2011 at 10:28 am

If what you say tomorrow night is only half as powerful as this post then it will still strike a mighty chord. Love to you lori.. I'll be watching.


Suzi June 5, 2011 at 11:31 pm

So well said Lori. There should be public awareness, there should be rallies and fun runs and ribbons and there will be, thanks to people like you making a stand and speaking up. I am so incredibly proud of you for doing this, you are changing alot of peoples lives for the better.
Well done.


Caroline B June 6, 2011 at 9:25 am

We'll b watching.
Amazing post as always. You are such an amazing person & I'm sure you'll do awesome!


Heartpoet June 6, 2011 at 8:42 am


With stormy rain on tempest seas with squalls across all sails
We stagger to the decks awash to lurch with thimble pails
And as we bail the waters green and sew the canvass torn
We hear the whispers nature sends to herald every dawn
"Respect respect respect your life" a whisper through the dark
"Respect this life and let each storm amaze with lightning's spark!"



allison tait June 5, 2011 at 10:29 pm

You'll be great Lori. Talk from the heart, like you always do.


Lori @ RRSAHM June 5, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Oh wow- thanks Steph. I'll be sure to post a link to it afterwards. xox


Dorothy June 5, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I hope I don't miss it. I'm so bad with remembering to watch TV shows.

After each of my two attempts I realised that suicide is not a call for help, it's not a call for attention, it is the result of a sincere belief that the world would be a better place without you in it. Yes, even your children.

However, at that time, your beliefs are skewed, for whatever reason. You are not thinking clearly, even though you think you are.

In my case, it was the result of long-term psychological abuse by me ex-husband, his girlfriend and his mother. Between them they managed to convince me that I was not a good person. But I was just a very trusting, very vulnerable person.

I'm glad I woke up to the truth and I know that my children would never be better off without me.

I'm sorry that Tony never got a chance to wake up, that his psychosis had him in such a tight grip, that he chose such a violent way to go. And I'm sorry that you now have to pick up the pieces of your broken life.

Just know that you ARE helping others.

Thank you, Lori…


Brenda June 5, 2011 at 9:57 pm

I'll be watching with pride, Lori. Speak your truth!xxxx


Ms Styling You June 5, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I'll be watching Lori. Everything you said is true. We need to talk about suicide, about mental illness, about families left devastated … I'm cheering you from the sidelines.


Salamander June 5, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I'll be watching, sweetie. Watching proudly, and listening to every word. And I'll make sure my hubby is watching too, since he lost an aunt to suicide. Something which is rarely discussed in his family. Good luck, break a leg – you'll be awesome. I know it xxxxx


Heartbeatoz June 5, 2011 at 9:35 pm

As the Mother of a Teenage Suicide 13 Years ago I think it must be put out there in the Public no matter how uncomfortable it is and also to get across the hurt that is felt by the Family Survivors of Suicide still years after the Trauma, good luck and I will be watching.


Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song June 5, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I will be watching you on tv Lori and I know in my heart of hearts that you will be brilliant.
Of course you never imagined you would find yourself in this position, of course. But what you say now has so much power to effect change for good through your courage. You are already a magnificent advocate and it takes my breath away that you are only a few months down the track from the loss of Tony. Squeezing your hand from Melbourne and will be doing that on Tuesday night too xxxx


phonakins June 5, 2011 at 9:27 pm


All mental health issues need to be talked about more. But I can't seem to bring myself to publicly fully talk about my own.

Thank you


PinkPatentMaryJanes June 5, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I'll be tuning in. Every single word that you speak or write brings us closer to your hope – to remove the romance, the shame and the stigma. x


freefalling June 6, 2011 at 6:31 am

Yep – wow.
How does your brain work?!
How do you grab all those feelings and disjointed thoughts swirling around in there and form them so beautifully into perfectly expressed understanding?
You DO realize you have a gift, don't you?


cecampbell June 6, 2011 at 2:27 am

As a woman currently hospitalized in a mental institution for a psychotic break, i cannot tell you how much your writing has SUSTAINED me, not pushed me further into soul cancer, as you so aptly describe it. When the demons are yelling in my ear, and everything tells me my son amd husband would be better off without me, i pull up your blog, and say NO. And then i speak-i tell my doctors, my husband, that the darkness is back, and they reach in and pull me out. Right now, it's a daily struggle, but hey-i'm around for each new day, right? And some day it won't be this hard,

Lori, i know people keep telling you this, but you are saving lives. You are saving mine.


Chocolatier June 5, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I'm fourteen years old and I read your blog. I was linked to it in early January, when I was thirteen. Yes maybe most kids wouldnt be attracted to this kind of blog. To be honest, I probably wouldn't either, normally. But I read it because I feel it's important for me to see the trail of horror and despair suicide leaves behind.
When I was ten years old, I started showing signs of OCD and social anxiety disorder. The SAD worsened until I became diagnosed with depression. I would plan committing suicide at night in the kitchen by using a knife, or maybe by jumping out the window in my room. I didn't have any desire to live anymore, and I wasn't even eleven years old.
Luckily, I could never bring myself to actually commit suicide, and in june of my fifth grade year I started taking medication. I'm no longer depressed, but I still do have a bit of SAD. I feel like no one likes me at least three times a week, and I feel like killing myself just to escape the disliking at least once every two weeks.
People don't think about how depression can affect people below the age of fifteen. But it can. So for anyone who thinks kids shouldn't be reading this, I think it is very important. As you say, suicide is a bit romanticized. No one ever talks about the aftermath, the suffering of loved ones. I certainly didn't fully comprehend how my parents and grandfather would have suffered. And if I had committed suicide in fifth grade, I never would have gone to Israel that summer and met my dad's mother and sisters. I never would have had my first kiss (I still haven't, sadly) or graduated elementary school.
I like your blog a lot. I wish I could watch you on TV this tuesday, but I live in the USA. Anyway, thank you for writing about this, I appreciate it. And I really hope you read my comment–I don't know if you read every comment but I hope you do.


Toni June 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I'll be watching too, Lori. How could I not? Having watched helplessly as you begin this awful journey, I so want to see you use what you've lived and learned.
I totally get that this is not something you asked for, that you're just playing with the hand you've been dealt, and that you don't think you're brave.
But you are. You're a hero. You really are.


Steph June 5, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Hi Lori, I have followed your blog for quite a while, and believe with all my heart that you are one of the bravest people I know. I have never commented before as your awesome readers always do a great job of "leaving some love". I just wanted to let you and any other readers outside aus, like me (I'm in Chile), that insight is available online, maybe a day or two after the actual broadcast. I have watched episodes before so I know for sure that it is not geographically restricted to aus:

Good luck on the show, it is a HUGELY important topic, especially when it comes to our "big strong men", and your input into the conversation will be invaluable. <3


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