Strange and Unusual Punishment for Small Children.

Howdly doodly,

As we know, if we’ve been reading along, I worked at the Baby and Toddler Show last this weekend a while ago now, peddling lovely soft pretty cloth nappies (diapers, whatever). I was also paid in cloth nappies (diapers, whatever)- the joy!! And I got to spend the entire day talking to people about cloth nappies (diapers, whatever. I’ll stop that now, it’s getting annoying, yes?). People who actually wanted to listen (most of them) and didn’t just roll their eyes at me and say “Whatever, Lori.”

That’s why I like my blog so much, really. I get to talk and talk about crap and you all listen to me. And if you don’t, I’m blissfully unaware of it.

Anyways. Because the Man decided to have attitude and p*ss me off when I rang him on my lunch break, and because I was wearing an empire line shirt and about 400 hundred people asked me if I was pregnant, I decided to go shopping once my shift finished. Real shopping, window shopping, and sample shopping. Awesomeness.

I came away with quite a haul. I won’t bore you the details. What I will bore you with is a list of the strangest, most bizarre and useless products I found today (well, not actually today, but it was today back when I wrote this. If you catch my drift.). Products that you will pay a small fortune for, use twice and then wonder “What was I smoking when I bought this…?”

The towel apron. So good in theory. So expensive, cumbersome and make-you-look-like-a-wanker in reality. But at least you look like a wanker* in the privacy of your own home.

Children’s Beach Poncho With Attached Hat. I’m quite disappointed I couldn’t find a link for these, or a picture of them. And I didn’t want to ask for a pamphlet because the woman selling them looked damn scary. Suffice to say, they are beach wear for your toddler that looks almost like a burqua with a brim. They are another one of these ideas that are great in theory, but make you- and, more importantly, your child- look very much like a wanker. And this time, it’s out in public.

Baby Wings. For baby BatMen, obviously. These are the equivalent of a half-straight jacket with a hole for a dummy.

The Woombie. Evidently, this is the full version of the baby straight-jacket. The people selling these actually had a real, live baby on display table, wearing his straight-jacket Woombie. With a sign saying “Yes, this is a real live baby!”. I only wish I’d taken a photo.(And we worry about exploiting our kids on our blogs…)

Electric Nasal Aspirator. I can only imagine how terrifying this must be. Every time I saw the Snottie people (seriously…?), my mind make the connection to ancient Egyptians pulling brains out through people’s noses to prepare them for mummification. I’m still not sure why.

Child Tracker. Sadly, these guys weren’t at this show, but I did see them the last time I went. I’m imagining-nay, hoping!- they’ve gone out of business. Helicopter parents, unite,  hover, and beep your children as soon as they pass the point where the eyes in the back of your head can no longer see them. Your child may just end up with a strange, maternal aversion to alarm clocks and microwaves when they hit their teenage years, but that’s OK. At least you know they were always, always very safe and didn’t get into any potentially scarring, adventurous mischief as a three year old.

Baby Water. Like dog water, kind of, only not. It’s water specially for pregnant and breastfeeding women. And, obviously, babies. Although the women at the stand assured me her husband drinks it too. Odd.  It’s bloody expensive. The woman at this stand also spoke of the evils of tap water. And went strangely silent when I asked about fluoride.

The Belly Bed. Another one that is so good in theory. And I could just see the swollen, tired pregnant women salivating over it. But really, for this to be economically viable you need to have about 38 children. And that might get uncomfortable.

And that’s the list, my jellybean-ers. Crap guaranteed to suck your money, be used for a maximum of six months, and have little to no resale on EBay. The make-you-all-crazy-like pregnancy hormones contribute to rampant consumerism, and make you an easy target for thinking you need all of this stuff.

So, tell me. Are there any products I’ve missed? Are any of these really necessary? Are they all really, really crap, or am I just being a prize bitch with an attitude problem because the Man won’t let me have another baby even though I’m all clucky after having been at a baby expo all weekend? Is it actually possibly for a size 6 woman to look pregnant in an empire line top?

*Thinking about it literally, this might actually make wanking quite difficult.