The Man

by Lori Dwyer on January 29, 2011 · 87 comments

I’m going, this weekend, to spread Tony’s ashes. In a peaceful, beautiful place. the place he wanted to be.

I may a different person, again, when I return.

If you like, if you could, to remember The Man this weekend, have a look through the many posts The Man featured in.

Especially the first one I wrote about him. Great big dork that he was.

Right now, I’m not angry. Right now, my overwhelming emotion is simple.

I miss my best friend. I miss my soul mate. I miss the other half of me.

I pine for the one I love.

I miss my man. He made the world feel like a more wonderful place to be. And I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, missing that.

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{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }

boomerang jane January 31, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Thank you for sharing all The Man's posts with us. I loved reading them, feeling like I got a chance to know him better, but feeling sadder for the loss. Your Chop and Bump are just so incredibly beautiful. He lives on in them that is true. XX


Cate January 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Thinking of you


Kimberly January 31, 2011 at 10:06 am

Love you Lori…and the Man…thinking of the both of you.


Anonymous January 31, 2011 at 9:30 am

Huge, huge love to you Lori, from a lapsed BB girl over in the UK.

May the light that makes you beautiful, special, incredible Lori continue to shine so brightly for you and your children, and to shelter and protect you all in dark days as your soul and your life finds a way through all this.

Whatever happens this light that makes you Lori will ALWAYS shine, even through the deepest pain and heartache. I can see that in every word you write.

Huge love and thoughts with you, Lori.


Jen D. January 31, 2011 at 7:59 am

I just came across your blog today and read through every post tagged The Man. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

You and yours are in my thoughts.


alexdonald January 31, 2011 at 6:26 am

So many people are sending you their positive thoughts from around the world and I just wanted to join in from Ireland. There is no doubt that this is probably the most painful period of your life and I hope you have tons of support and love to help you get through it. With lots of love and hugs.


Gretchen January 31, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Just sending love, support and prayers. You are amazing and I praise you and your strength, courage and balls to let it all out on here. Share it all, who cares what anyone else thinks, write because it heals you. We are here to read and love you through it.


bekkles January 31, 2011 at 1:26 am

Wishing you much strength and moments of cherishing the love and happiness that oozes out of all of your "the man" posts.


Tenille @ Help!Mum January 30, 2011 at 11:04 pm



Suz January 30, 2011 at 10:42 pm



Leesa January 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Thinking of you :( Words can't express how sorry I am for your loss :((((


whatsinemmasbrain January 30, 2011 at 9:47 pm

xx Love xx


Grace January 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Thinking of you and your precious family. Love and peace xoxo


Kathy January 30, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Thinking of you all this weekend.


Courtneyb January 30, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Sending you love, hope his spirit is a peace with his ashes spread where he wanted to finally rest. love you Lori. Always. x o x


Trik82 January 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

All my love to you Lori xoxo


Melinda January 30, 2011 at 6:39 pm

My heart breaks for you and what you have had to go through. I send my deepest sympathy and lots of hugs. You and your family are in my prayers.


thelexhex January 30, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I know that "I'm sorry" isn't of much help, especially from a total stranger, but I can't help it — I am truly sorry that you and your family are going through this. You have my deepest condolences. Additionally, I feel that you deserve mad props, because of how strong you have been during this horrible time — you're awesome. Stay strong :)


Veronica January 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I hope you're not doing too badly now that this weekend is over. xxx


Alison Kathleen January 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I am bipolar, and my husband also at times goes into spaces where I do not know who he is – I know that he is not the man I married however. Your story is a story all to familiar to so many people. I just hope that others can maybe learn something from this. I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and heart.


scorpiochick January 30, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Lori, I found your link through EB and I have been reading ALL day. You are an amazing woman, I have so much respect and admiration for you. The way you write is so honest, raw and non pretentious. You are so talented and you have touched me in a way I cannot verbalise. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine the grief you are experiencing. I talked to my partner today and I told him that if he had any thoughts of not being able to cope (and we have a lot to deal with at the moment) that he is to tell someone…..anyone about it. Your story has hit a nerve in my heart and I want you to know that you are not alone. Thank you for your honesty and sending you lots of love from Canberra xxxxxxxxx


l-tek-4 January 30, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I read all the previous posts about The Man, your Tony and your love for him shines in every one. I hope when you scatter his ashes you are given a measure of peace and healing.


Giving Back Girl January 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I hope this is a special time thinking of your special, gorgeous man and all your special, gorgeous memories. Thank you Lori.


Drama Queen January 30, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. My ex-husband has bi-polar disorder and I can understand the feeling of waking up one morning and not knowing who the person you married has become. It is a very scary and sad situation. You are in my thoughts.


Melissa January 30, 2011 at 9:59 am

my thoughts and prayers are with you today.


Bringing Pretty Back January 30, 2011 at 8:59 am

Lori-I am at a loss for words. What can I – a stranger – possibly say to give you any comfort? I am sorry. I wish I could write something that would help. would eat this pain even a little.


Bernie January 30, 2011 at 7:56 pm

oh hun.. i found ur blog via another fellow blogger..

my heart aches for ur loss..

I have a hubby who suffers from depression.. and ive seen him become a difrent man…

please know u are loved by ur community. and by ur fellow bloggers..

xoxoxo much love and peace


Curvaceous Queen January 30, 2011 at 8:40 am

I hope you can find some peace today and feel The Mans' love wash over you


Michele January 30, 2011 at 5:37 am

Wishing you peace… much peace.


lori January 30, 2011 at 5:31 am

I wish you peace and will be thinking about you and your beloved Tony.


JallieDaddy January 30, 2011 at 4:40 am

Thinking of you here too, in England. Hope the ceremony is a fitting one x


Anonymous January 30, 2011 at 3:02 am

I'm thinking of you today over here in Tampa, FL and sending you all of the positive energy I can muster.



Stella January 30, 2011 at 2:19 am

Thinking of you, Lori.


Michelle January 30, 2011 at 12:38 am

Many hugs Lori. I will be thinking of you and your family.
It may not feel like it, but you are moving forward to a place where the sun will shine again. One step at a time……..


TrishaMaree January 30, 2011 at 12:11 am

Dear Lori, so many years have passed since I have been through what you are now experiencing, but after having read your posts, it seems like only yesterday.
To this day I feel like I could have done something, said something or held him closer .. but after many (many)counselling sessions, I now realise that the unexpected and un-charicteristic violence, the expressions of hatred and the gun pointed at me were not my loved one, but rather the illness which possesed him. There are so many questions left unanswered, don't waste your life seeking the answers. YOU.WON'T.FIND.THEM. Move on beautiful lady, you are worthy of a future beyond this grief.


Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 11:04 pm

You are never out of my thoughts Lori. Be safe. Sophie xxx


Mummahh January 30, 2011 at 9:54 am

sending you my Hugs and thoughts xx


Brenda January 29, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Love and so much love to you my darling girl.xxxxxx


Julia January 29, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Wishing you, your children, family and friends a peaceful weekend.


Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 9:49 pm

I have started this post and erased it so many times, wanting to make sure the words were right and wont be miscontrued. I wish you comfort in your sorrow. This is the worst that life can throw at you, but you WILL crawl your way through it. You already know that it is going to be long, hard and lonely. Grief sucks. It hurts like a white hot poker. If it didnt you would be certified. Write it all down while it is fresh, you might find later on that there will be parts that blank out of your memory. Write it down so that you don't have to recycle it over and over in your head. Get it out of your head and onto the paper (screen). One thing I did make sure I did especially at the beginning was to spend some time every night before bed just remembering with my kids – they call it bedding down the memories. Stupid little things like weren't Daddy's hands big and strong, how he loved to hold you with them and the big specific things. Hurts like hell, but worth it.


Hear Mum Roar January 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I wish you strength, love and healing for this important chapter in your grief. I think you have some beautiful memories of the man you loved so much.


marketingtomilk January 29, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Yes, i will Lori. x


Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Hello Lori, I think you are so brave and have a kind of strength that only shows in times of intense hardship.You are a rare special person.I think very few people are like you Lori.I have no doubt that through this crushing pain you will still be an awesome mother and you have blown me away with the beautiful honesty that you have expressed to all of us through your lowest times.I think your writing is tragically beautiful.Tony was not the man that you loved at the end.A very dark place had replaced the gorgeous man that you married and i hope and pray that you will see this.I have so much admiration and respect for you Lori.


TheBoyandMe January 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm

What beautiful photos, and those are the ones that will come the forefront of your memory in time. Hope the scattering is a little healing for you


fatbetty January 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm



Kristina Lynn Little January 30, 2011 at 6:04 am

I am new to your blog, I followed a link from Jenny Larson's, a woman who can always make me laugh even when I want to cry.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. As someone who was a hair away from taking her life I can say, with honesty, that its people like you who helped me to see the light almost 11 years okay. I needed to hear it was okay to be broken before I could seek help. I know that your words are touching others now and that they will be helped through your message.
Again my thoughts and prayers are with you.


Katherine Jenkins January 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Sending love your way on this day….peace to you!


MaidInAustralia January 29, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Just thinking of you sweetheart. Just hang in there, and write and do whatever you need to do to get through this. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Much love, xo


Lavender Hearts January 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm

The Dutch would wish you "Stertke" on a day like this, literally "Strength". I hope you find enough. Sending you much love.


Jodie at Mummy Mayhem January 29, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Thoughts are with you, hon. Praying for strength for you. xxx


deardarl January 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I wish you strength as you scatter Tony's ashes. It is a hard thing to let go ….I chose Greg's grave marker yesterday … it's taken me nearly 11 months and it feels like I'm letting him go just a little more.
So I'm thinking of two husbands and fathers who aren't here but who should be….


Cate January 29, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Much love Lori xx


Kellyansapansa January 29, 2011 at 4:23 pm

You are in my thoughts every day Lori. xx


overthetoporiginals January 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Thank you for sharing your heart. Another stranger who has been lurking this past week. Sending you the hugest cyber hug. May you be wrapped in a blanket of peace as you farewell your wonderful man.


edenland January 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I love you Lori.

I've already read all those posts – the other day, when I was struggling to comprehend. Wanted to reach in through my computer screen, yank him back to you, tell him what was about to happen, tell him to avoid all the horror. Tell him that nothing, NOTHING! Is ever, EVER worth killing yourself over.

Your honesty has pierced me, Lori. Please keep writing.


I read this blog post title and smiled. He knows how much you love him.

All my love always,


Trish@Show and Tell January 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

You are providing such open, honest valuable insights for other people at such an indescribable time of grief in your own life.
You may well be saving other people's lives through your honesty.
Hold on Lori. We are here.
And bless The Man.

Trish@Show and Tell


Megan January 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm

So much love for you this weekend. Love and peace.


Karen January 30, 2011 at 2:23 am

Find peace, if only for a few moments. I wanted to tell you too, I think it is wonderful that in all the chaos and horror, you were able to give life to others with Tony's organs. He lives on in who knows how many people, who would have died but for him and, especially, YOU. Many hugs!


april January 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Love hugs and more – just as Gina I don't know you, I only read your blog occasionally but I want to help and I can't.
But I am here and here I will stay in for the long haul, to witness and send love to someone amazing.


Gina January 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Sending you lots of love. We don't know each other at all, but your story has touched me in so many ways. I am so sorry.


Robyn January 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Thinking of you…


In Real Life January 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Thinking of you! *HUGS*


Naomi @ Under the Yardarm January 29, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Thinking of you this weekend. Surrounding you with love and light. x


Lucy January 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm

It's such a rollercoaster. Missing them is the most intense and bittersweet and painful of the grief stages.



Apfel January 29, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I can hardly sum up the courage to comment on here because I am at a huge loss of words. Hugs.


DanniiBeauty January 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Thinking of you always. May peace be with you and Tony.


Sophie {Red Dust Love} January 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Will be thinking of you and your family this weekend Lori. xo


Dorothy January 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Thinking about you and your Man. He is at peace now. One day you will be too. Remember all the good times, acknowledge the bad times. Let yourself grieve. Let us soak up your tears….


Sharnanigans January 29, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Hi Lori, I awoke in the night last night and thought of you. Your story is affecting a lot of people, and a lot of people are feeling for you, many of us strangers. I wish you strength and peace as you scatter Tony's ashes.
Sharni xx


juliecottle January 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Wishing you a weekend of peace and healing.


Being Me January 29, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Still catching my breath from reading your last post and now this one. Dear, dear Lori. Words fail me. But please know I am crying for you as I send you the biggest imaginary hug possible. xxooxxoo


THE Bird January 29, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Honeymoon Bay, MY childhood stomping ground, my MOTHERS childhood stomping groung, my GRANDPARENTS place of retreat….

Such a peaceful, powerful, amazing, magical & most spiritual place…. So many ghosts…

where else would anyone wish to lay…?

Love you Tony Dwyer. So glad you came into this world. Love you Lori, for loving Tony… xxx


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow January 29, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Thinking of you today and every day x


bigwords is… January 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Big hugs and kisses to you. May love surround you this weekend and every weekend, gorgeous xx


x0xJ January 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

<3 Hope this helps you feel a bit more at peace by spreading his ashes <3


suburp January 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

beautiful, Lori and thank you. again.
many have probably, like me, researched your blog to (re)read posts about Tony.. the Man :)
He sounds lovely, and damn, a lot like what I have at home, for so many reasons your words is a reminder for all of us to not let it slip away.. and TALK to each other.. x hugs x


Joni Llanora January 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I feel for you Lori. Keep strong :)


UncleChilliMan January 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I didn't want to comment, but had to give you *hugz*. Can't vocalise heartbreak easy, but mortally fear the thought of losing my soulmate. I know a song that may or may not be cathartic for you. Feel free to ignore the link if you wish.

Just hugs 4 you. I am sad for you for the loss of your man.


Donna @ Nappydaze January 29, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I still cant comprehend how this could have happened to you, after reading your older posts… Yet my heart breaks everyday for you that it did. I'd miss him too, he seemed larger than life.

May this momentous day bring healing and hope into your world xx


Tina ~ tina gray dot me January 29, 2011 at 11:53 am

{great big squeeze} xx


Wanderlust January 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

Love love and more love xoxoxoxoxo


thepixiechick January 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

that is all


tonymcfadden January 29, 2011 at 11:49 am

Your posts are must reading for anyone who is going through greif. You write with no filters. It's heartbreaking, an healing and real. You should be proud of yourself for how you're coping.

And it's a beautiful day in Sydney. A good day to remember the good times.


Good Golly Miss Holly! January 29, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Love to you sister x


Mary January 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Peace. Thinking of you.


Alison Triffett – Style Counsel January 29, 2011 at 1:12 pm

You are surely helping so many others with your honest, heartbreaking and heart-touching posts. So brave. So real. I just pray you get through this weekend as memories flood your heart and mind. I know you will do more than simply "get through it" but what a lovely way of sharing the memories of good times with your man. This next phase will change you forever; How can it not? But with love and support you can do anything and I hope/trust you have that in abundance… Hugs Al xx


Toni January 29, 2011 at 12:01 pm

My hearts aching for you Lori. This is the very last thing you can physically do for Tony, to lay him to rest.
I'll be thinking of you.


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