The Rules Of Modern HouseWife Ettiquette

Howdy doody-lio,

This is a Public Service Announcement from RRSAHM. I have taken the time to compile a list of the basic Rules of Modern HouseWife Etiquette, specifically to avoid situations where you may be labeled as bad hostess, housewife or guest, therefore effecting your social standing with the mums at preschool. I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. You better. I slaved over a hot keyboard for this.

Rule One- Always return borrowed Tupperware.
This has been known to end childhood friendships and cause lifelong family feuds. If you, as hostess, request of people to “bring a plate” and someone leaves their Tupperware at your house, for the love of God, wash it and return it. Do not put it in your cupboard, even if you have the best of intentions of fishing it out again. We all know this will not happen.

Rule Two- Borrowed clothes shall not go anywhere near the vicinity of the dryer.
No if’s, buts or maybe about it. Tumble dryers can do atrocious things to clothes. I’ve invented this catchy ditty to help you remember.

‘Item is borrowed
And you didn’t buy it?
Don’t be a fool,
Line dry it!’.

Like I said, catchy.

Rule Three- You must offer guests a cup of tea or coffee within five minutes of entering your house.
Even if it’s forty degrees outside (Celsius people, that’s hot). I’m not sure why, but every time I have neglected to do this my mother has sent me telepathic messages using her patented ‘Teacher Guilt Face” concerncing what a bad, bad hostess I am.

Rule Four- If there is a pile of shoes next to the door of the house you are about to enter, or the host is not wearing there shoes, you should offer to take yours off.
I know, I hate this one too. And it doesn’t happen at my house. But it’s the rule, and I don’t make the rules. The only exception to this rule is, of course, if your feet stink like you’ve been wearing $10 ugg boots. In which case you can stay the hell away from The Purple House anyway, stinky footed person.

Rule Five- Choose topics of conversation wisely and conservatively.
While vagina discharge, children’s poo and childcare fees are all acceptable topics of debate amongst modern mothers, circumcision, breast vs formula feeding and Nestle may not be. OK? OK.

Rule Six- Always offer the hostess a hand in the kitchen.
Popping your head in the kitchen and saying “D’ya need a hand?” is the height of Aussie housewifery good mannered-ness. Hostesses should accept or decline the offer, dependant on the following factors

* If the Nutrimetics party/ housewarming/first birthday is pumping and mingling is happening, and you already have plenty of hands making light work, then this is obviously a token offer,and the hostess should politely decline.
* However, in the event of a small gathering where the social separation of “men outside at the barbecue, women inside with the salad” has occurred, the offer of help should be accepted, even if it not really needed. failure to do this can result in one women far out-testostorened and unable to keep with the tong twirling and beer drinking, and may alienate her from your social circle for good.

And there you have it, housewives and hostesses. Lori’s Rules of Modern HouseWife Etiquette. Print out a copy and keep it in the pantry next to your Twiggy sticks, Shapes biscuits and french onion dip. Because you just never know when guests will drop in.