The Tribal Wives- Yummy Mummies in the Leafy Sydney ‘Burbs

Howyadoin’,

Okey dokey. There’s this ‘Tribal Wives’ series memey thingie- you may have seen it going round, yes? From what I’ve heard, it was started by Vegemite Vix, and it’s been carried on by a whole stack of awesome bloggers like Missy M, Emma, and Notes from LapLand, to name just a few. And then there’s this bitchy but undeniably funny run down on the dreaded mommy bloggers. Read at your own risk.

I’m jumping on the blog bandwagon, as it thunders past. This is what I do.

So, before we begin, a disclaimer or two. I haven’t been tagged in this one. I’m totally stealing ideas and stepping on toes. Hey, at least I linked.

And, as per usual, this is totally tongue in cheek. Please, no one get their virtual knickers in a twist. If you must send me hate mail, here’s the link, and do make it entertaining. Badly written hate mail makes Baby Jesus cry, mmmkay? I’m taking the piss here. Out of myself. And those around me. And I’m OK with that.

On with the show. An anthropological study, if you will…..

Latin name: Attractivus Feminis Playgroupus

Habitat: Their natural habitat of the Yummy Mummy is, of course, the leafy outer Sydney suburbs. Large housing estates, filled with identical houses and council-enforced green space. A man-made duck pond is desirable, as is at least one set of primary colored, fire-proof playground equipment; a primary school and small shopping center, preferably within pram-pushing distance.

Additional habitats of this tribe may include playgroup, baby swim lessons, story time at the library, and Gloria Jeans coffee shops.

Plumage and attire: The Yummy Mummies of the leafy Sydney ‘burbs generally have two different attires- a ‘stay at home’ plumage and an ‘out and about’ plumage. A ‘stay at home’ plumage may include tights, tracksuit pants and t-shirts but these must be in an acceptably clean and tidy condition when you put them on (the appearance of snot, vomit or mashed avocado at some stage during the day in unavoidable). This attire is acceptable for power walking with your pram, or transporting children to the local fire-proof playground; but must not be worn outside of the walking distance confines of the suburb.

An ‘out and about’ plumage can be identified by the inclusion of pants or jeans, a nice top and a cardigan. Dresses or skirts are reserved for holy days and mating rituals.

Dialect: Minimal use of swear words, and not around the children, please. Catch phrases may include, but not be limited to referring to one’s partner as “the hubby”; saying “This is so much better for the environment” in reference to just about anything; and the eternal “Which school is your child going to?”.

Acceptable children’s names include any one syllable names, such as Taj, Tai, Jack and Zac for boys (not Bruce); and old fashioned names such as Ruby and *ahem* Daisy for girls, or any name ending with an ‘elle’- Gisselle, Annabelle, Mirabelle (but not Narelle). Acceptable topics of  conversation include daycare, breastfeeding, toilet training, Gymbaroo, baking, carpet cleaning and learning difficulties.

Additonal anthropological information: To be classified as an arch typical Yummy Mummy, one should be a stay at home mum, or, ideally, work one or two days a week. A day a week in childcare so the Yummy Mummy can regroup, get her hair done and reclaim her sanity should not be considered a luxury, but a culturally mandated necessity. Yummy Mummies have, on average, two to three children and one to two mortgages. Acceptable modes of transport for two children include a sedan or hatchback. Three children require a LandRover or 4 wheel drive of some description. Four or more children entitles you to a mini-van and ‘Soccer Mum’ status.

Yummy Mummies drink wine. But not before 5pm. Both Xanax and Valium are acceptable coping strategies.

Yummy Mummies must be weary of disintegration into ‘Slummy Mummy’ status. This can occur through the gratuitous drinking of alcohol other than wine, especially during the daylight hours; having a protruding ‘muffin top’; referring to one’s children as “Bastards”; using wither the c-word or f-word in general conversation around the children or being a *gasp* *ahem* dirty smoker. (Won’t somebody please think of the children?!)

Well there you go, RRSAHMer’s- that’s the seedy underbelly of the leafy Sydney burbs. I am a self confessed Yummy Mummy, a card carrying resident of the leafy Sydney ‘burbs. This is reinforced by my huge all-wheel-drive and my collection of tailored track suit pants.

But it’s a very fine line.I’m sad to say I’m seriously in jeopardy of sliding into Slummy Mummy status if I keep on bake-failing the way I have been. Not to mention the dirty, filthy cigarettes. *Ahem * Cough* *Hack up lung*. Keep in tuned to this station for more on that one- it seems I’ll be quitting smoking soon, and won’t that just be a barrel of fun…?