The Twelve Days of the Purple House Christmas. Or Something.

by Lori Dwyer on December 21, 2010 · 19 comments


In the interest of togetherness and harmony and all that good stuff, I’ve decided it’s sing-a-long day here at RRSAHM. Awesomeness.

I’ve penned the lyrics myself. It’s to be sung to tune of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’. (Kinda. If you speed up some parts and slow down a few others, and ignore all the bits in brackets. Might help if you’re slightly drunk too. OK? OK.)

And -a-one-and-a-two-and-a-one-two-three- 

This Christmas in The Purple House, you can expect to see….

Twenty five Thirty one and a half metres of wrapping paper (and counting).

Six hundred drives to see the Christmas lights. (Blue lights are so fashion this year, have you noticed? Very Better Homes and Gardens, fused with Kings Cross public toilets).

Ten presents for people we don’t really give a damn about.

One present for under the KMart Wishing Tree. (Crap. Forgot again. I’ll get there next year).

A few bad cases of sunburn.

Four different houses to visit on Christmas Day.

Which means four separate meals, and four of those crappy paper party hats.

And two ooooover-tired children. (We’re up to the ‘five golden rings’ bit, yes? For those who are singing along).

One gluttonous, over-fed Man.

One cranky Lori.

Way too many toys.

And a fellatio angel** on top of a Christmas tree.

* The more I think about this song, the more it freaking annoys me. Animal cruelty and lords-a-leaping slavery, that’s what we’re dealing with here people. Good cheer be damned. Humbug.

** *Ahem*. This is the angel that tops the Christmas Tree in the Purple House. She is quite pretty. She was the first ornament I bought for my very own Christmas tree, ten years ago when I first moved out of home. And, for that reason, I’m quite attached to her. But ever since the Man asked what, exactly, she was planning on doing with that candle… well, that’s all I can think about when I look at her.

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Shellye July 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I thought of this song when I read this post:


Cate December 25, 2010 at 1:06 am

giving you (and your lovely angel) a shout out in my post tonight, or today (as it's already xmas- merry xmas btw)…you may have noticed I don't sleep a lot – I find it helps me to leave long and rambling comments like this one, where the point is so long forgotten that everyone else has already fallen asleep. Except me, of course, because I don't sleep a lot.
Hope santa brings you everything you want


Cate December 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Oh, laughing so hard one of my kids came over to see what I was laughing about!! Hmmm…
Too funny – Merry Xmas Lori


Kristy December 23, 2010 at 4:35 am

Lovin the fellatio angel. I just cleared out a bunch of toys yesterday while the boy was at daycare. Christmas is going to hit and we'll be back to our clutter near-hoarder status of toys! Argh.


Life In A Pink Fibro December 22, 2010 at 10:49 pm

I'm with the Man – the Angel is hysterical.


Bronnie and family December 22, 2010 at 10:15 pm

I always thought that song was dirty too … naughty angel! And thanks to Mrs B. the phrase 'walking round in women's underwear' is going through my head.


Maxabella December 22, 2010 at 5:11 pm

So, like, that soooo didn't sound anything like the 12 days of Christmas, but just one look at that angel and all is forgiven!!! Haahaahahahaha! x


Mrs B December 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm

PMSL see, I would have been the same, all innocent with the angel too. But now you've said that, it does look like she is about to do something else ;)

My Dad ruined Winter Wonderland for me the other day. It was on the radio in the car and he sings 'walking round in women's underwear'. Yes, he just ruined that song for me *sighs*. Its a male thing right?


Dorothy December 22, 2010 at 2:07 pm

The look on that angel's face is precious! Whatever possesed you to buy that?

What I'm hoping to see at my house is my two boys playing quietly together while I watch teh repeat of Carols by Candlelight on the telly. Even better, they might be plaing outside! Oh, and wine and/or beer may or may not be involved…

Merry Christmas!


Kel December 22, 2010 at 10:49 am

Bahahahahaha – awesome :)
I feel your pain regarding the wrapping paper. Next year I am so lugging all my crap to the local shopping centre, giving the nursing home fundraiser gift wrap people $200 and telling them to get wrapping!!


whatsinemmasbrain December 22, 2010 at 10:18 am

Ahhh the famous tree topper, Love it x


Amy xxoo December 22, 2010 at 7:35 am

Fellatio angel.

Two words i never expected to see side by side but, once again, you've shocked and suprised me Lori. Oh, and made my day – fellatio angle? Ha!


CourtneyB December 22, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Yaaayyyy Christmas light time in Mount Annan, (Now that we have moved out) I feel it is HIGH TIME to get my drink on, lug all my children and relatives around in my car with all the windows open, yell out merry christmas at the top of my lungs and encourage at LEAST 3 obnoxious children in the back seat to do the same, I am going to follow a tour bus up a one way street spend the next hour sitting still in the street with my reverse lights on wondering how in hell we are going to get out of this mess. After i have added to the congestion on the roads and realised that there is no more room to drive a car or even say an ambulance if there was an emergency, I am going to park my car up on someone's lawn pile out and wander round talking at the top of my lungs and wake up all the sleeping babies in the area, i will then throw my empty bourbon, rum, beer cans out on the lawn of the person where my car is parked, reaise it is now 11pm and take my crew home…. Ugh The Cascades I hate you still and don't miss you at all!!!!! BAAAAAARRRRHHHHUMBUG!


Good Golly Miss Holly! December 22, 2010 at 2:57 pm

BAHAHAHAHA fellatio angel, now I've seen it all!

Speaking of the Christmas lights, we are heading over to the Cascades tomorrow night for our 3rd visit *shudder*


EmmaK December 22, 2010 at 2:08 am

ha ha ha re the fellatio angel…I also did a carol about Gifts for New Mums are Full of Folly
Merry Christmas to you and Mrs Winterpepper – I think she deserves a bottle of extra-sweet sherry


Kimberly December 22, 2010 at 1:01 am

That angel is awesome. In our home we celebrate Father Christmas, also known as Santa. He sits on the top of our tree.
I wrapped a bunch of presents yesterday and most were for people that we don't normally talk to but since they get us a gift, we have to get them one. I'm all about giving but when do you draw the line you know?
Maybe if I buy them an angel like yours they'll stop.


Glowless December 21, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Wish my Angel was so talented


Kymmie December 21, 2010 at 9:37 pm

There's always a bit of a giggle here at Lori's place. And yes, while I sang out loud, I laughed out loud at your fellatio angel. Yes, I don't think I'd look at her the same again either. Merry merries Lori. xx


Eva Gallant December 22, 2010 at 3:08 am

Oh, my! The little one with the polka dot antlers is just way too cute!


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