I never used to believe in trauma. I thought the human mind to be a wholly elastic thing, a hard drive with limitless space and capacity that was capable of accepting and integrating information without kinks and burrs, without any reason for distress.
It’s the way I’ve been bought up. My family is stoic by nature, tough by nurture, and emotions are entirely separate from one’s body– feelings a simple flight of fancy that could be overcome by a strong mind and pulling one’s socks so far up they fucking suffocate you.
It’s been a learning curve, discovering how very wrong that is, and how deeply ingrained it is. It’s where a whole lot of that guilt comes from… Do not wallow. Get the hell on with it. Emotional weakness is not desirable, helpful or attractive.
It’s the reason I kick my own arse so hard when I can’t help but grieve and mourn and cry.
But– double edged sword, as most things are– it’s the reason I’m still standing.
But I know now, what I didn’t before… Emotions are as powerful as viruses and bacteria, for effecting the body and the way it runs.
Trauma, it can be like… not quite like cancer, I don’t think, because it just doesn’t eat that quickly, and it’s not that ferocious. It’s more like chronic fatigue syndrome.. it’s a condition that people are skeptical of, that slowly ebbs at your body, at your strength and resources, and leaves you exhausted and in pain.
But no one can see it, and everyone thinks you should be better by now. If you have CFS, a late night or a hard day or a glass of wine can leave you flat on your back for a fortnight.
With trauma, it’s the same… Only it might be an afternoon of punctuated sirens, a medical story you hear where someone’s face turned purple, an ad for CPR on the TV… Any one of those things might be the trigger for your body beginning to weep lactic acid into your muscles, for the world to turn grey, for your sense of self to to be disassembled all over again.
If you need living proof that trauma exists, then I’m it. It’s worse now, around the anniversary of his death, than it has been in a while… I am tired but wired, jumpy but exhausted. People sneaking up on me unintentionally cops them an earful. I find myself in the middle of ugly flashbacks that are heat and bright sunshine and the silence of a suburban afternoon, a baby in my arms and my husbands shirt beneath my hands, the dead weight of him and his face, later that night, in a bed in the ICU swollen and discolored.
That unending frying loop of a circuit in my brain… The way my whole body aches as if I’m coming down with an infection or the flu… Don’t tell me that’s not related. Don’t tell me that this is a product of my mind, or that nothing could possibly be that bad. It happened in the space of three seconds, but it’s burned on my brain like the bright light from a camera flash, the physical reactions exist deep within my muscle memory.
This will follow me forever.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I recently found your blog, and have read about the Event, your reactions, the emotions.. My dad passed away just over a year ago – a degenerative brain condition that affected most functions of his body; one morning he didn't wake up. The trauma for our family is far, far less than what you're experiencing, and I don't in any way mean to lessen your experiences, because they happened and they were real and the effect on you was what it was. Is. I'm sure you've heard before that the grief you've expressed sounds completely 'normal' – expected – reasonable – for what you've been through, and on some tiny scale, it all sounds very familiar. Even the unending loop in your brain, playing over those last days, minutes, interactions.. The triggers – the really weird, unexpected ones.. They do burn into your brain, and in a weird way I don't want to forget them – for me, that would cheapen his passing, be disrespectful to his memory. In time, the intensity of the feeling that goes with each memory has faded, or at least I've learnt to mute it. I don't expect that would happen for you for a long while yet, and to say that I hoped it came quickly would be to reduce your trauma to an insignificant 'just another day' and be heartless and cruel. But I do hope that some day, the flashes of memory won't bring the trauma with them quite so loudly. There is no rush. Only you know how to deal with your life, in your time, in a way that's best for you and your family. I guess I just wanted to say that eventually the trauma will fade or at least the volume will turn right down – it will follow you forever, but not in the same way.
Trauma is an awful thing. I never really used to think about it. But now it's something my husband and I live with every day. We suffer from PTSD, and it affects our lives in a huge way.
(((hugs))) Lori, it's all related, the mind is a powerful thing and it holds great sway over our physical body as well as our mental state.
You're always in my thoughts xxx
Oh Lori, it kills me to read, "Don't tell me that's not related. Don't tell me that this is a product of my mind, or that nothing could possibly be that bad." I hate to think that people say such clueless things to you, or that they give you that impression.
Of course what you're experiencing is real. And horrible. And unimaginable.
Hold on, dear girl. Yes, it's all real, and it all sucks. But I hope and pray that as you move away from the anniversary that the horror will lessen, at least become more manageable.
Lots of love.
I wish there was no such thing as trauma. It is wonderful though that you can identify and express your feeling.
so true an theres little triggers everwhere that keep bringing it back when you dont expect it to
Yes. It is real.
Thoughts are with you, Lori. Esp during this, what will probably always be, difficult time of year for you.
xxx
Trauma is definately real Lori and anyone who doesnt think so I would hate to be in their heads right now because they would have a lot of hidden stuff about to explode.
One sentence that makes me blow my top these days is "is big girls dont cry". Like you I grew up in a family who hid their emotions and I remember on my dads funeral my mother syaing dont embarras me. WTF emotions are normal. Everyone has it no matter where they are. Why not express them…….maybe if we learnt to express them and not hide them……..there would be less mental health issues.
The anniversary is damn hard because you do relive it but it does get slightly easier.
I admire you just so much and so many people could learn from you
Shit Lori. And we've all been posting that CPR video on FB. I'm so sorry, I never even thought. I'm usually so careful about what I share, I dont' know why that didn't occur to me.
I'm a strong believer (even more so of late, after talking to my specialists) that trauma does, in fact have an enormous physiological affect on our bodies. My Doctors, in fact believe that much of my illness (not the diabetes, but the rest) is the cost my body is paying for years of trauma. All of it bottled up by stoicism and 'get on with it'.
Thinking of you. Always.
Darling Lori, I'd love to say that trauma passes I know from personal experience it doesn't. You do get more resilient and do learn very slowly to live with it. Somedays I'm fine other days it just won't leave and although working with behaviour I know the techniques I should use to deal with it -somedays that doesn't even work, so I let it wallow inside until it moves on. Be kind to yourself Nx
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God I wish that there was no such thing as trauma! Then there would be no such thing as PTSD and all the things associated with it…
The trauma and the way your whole body remembers doesn't stop, what changes is how you recover from it. For me that has been the case. In honoring myself and allowing myself time to feel, each time it passes a little less all consuming. It's when I fight it and push against it that my body rebels the most.
The wound in your heart is still healing Lori . Be kind to yourself. Xxx
You are so right Lori, it is real & it is raw, crashing into you from directions that you never expected. Giving in to it is ok, there is no time limit, only the one we put on ourselves.
You are very much in my thoughts at the moment.
Lisa xxx
You are so right Lori, it is real & it is raw, crashing into you from directions that you never expected. Giving in to it is ok, there is no time limit, only the one we put on ourselves.
You are very much in my thoughts at the moment.
Lisa xxx
Yes is my gut response. Your counselling will have laid the path for the future of living with your reality, is that how they say it s going to be too? I guess that's why we are prone to the 'pull your socks up approach' because the bare faced reality is just too hard to contemplate. tomorrow is another day. Curl up and cry through this one, tomorrow may be easier. Love x
Oh yes, trauma is real. Completely real and I am not surprised that it's worse again now of all times for you. Meaningless as it is to say, you're much in my thoughts atm, I remember the first few anniversaries of my childhood trauma as incredibly grey and difficult times. Over 20 years later it is not as strong or bitter but I still am aware of it every late September.
Yes, it probably will. I can only hope that there are ways to soften and smooth out the edges of the pain. I hope that time makes it better… I wish that people would "get" how painful this is. Hang in there tight, Lori.
Yes, it probably will. I can only hope that there are ways to soften and smooth out the edges of the pain. I hope that time makes it better… I wish that people would "get" how painful this is. Hang in there tight, Lori.